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MRS.  PAUTINGTOX'S 


CARPET-BAG  OF  FUN, 


WITH    150    ENGRAVINGS, 


FKOM    DESIGNS    BY 


DARLEY,    MC  LEN.VN,    LEKCII,    PHIZ.    HENNING,    CRU1KSHA.NK, 
HINE,    DOYLE,    TENNIEL,    GOATER      CROWQU1LL,    ETC. 


NEW     YORK: 
DICK     &     FITZGERALD, 

No.  18  ANN  STREET. 


according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  One  Thousand  Eight  Hue 
dred  and  Fifty  four,  by  SAMUEL  P.  AVERY,  in  the  C  erk's  Office  of  lh' 
District  Court  of  the  United  State»  for  the  Southern  District  of  New  York. 


A  BOOK  without  a  preiace,  is  like  a  house  without  a  door,  a  pump 
:  without  a  handle,  a  man  without  a  nose,  meat  without  salt.  A  preface 
;  is  the  portal  where  one  may  stand  in  waiting,  anticipating  the  favorable 
i  reception  sure  to  follow ;  he  may  smell  the  savory  viands  that  he  will 
I  soon  partake  of.  j 

As  a  favorite  comedian  is  always  greeted  with  premonitory  laughter  j 
(( in  anticipation  of  the  capital  jokes  to  come,  so  we  expect  the  good-  j 
'  natured  public  (they  will  all  be  good  natured  after  they  have  read  our  { 
!  book)  will  wreathe  their  countenances  in  smiles,  and  put  some  extra  j 
j  stitches  in  their  buttons,  in  expectation  of  the  broad  grins  and  buttoa-  / 
disturbing  explosions  sure  to  follow.  If,  as  it  has  been  said,  "  the  | 


849060 


PREFACE. 


man  who  causes  a  single  blade  of  grass  to  grow  where  none  grew  before, 
is  a  public  benefactor,"  how  much  more  entitled  to  this  honorable  dis- 
tinction will  we  be,  who  sow  the  seed  and  gather  a  perfect  harvest  of 
grins.  We  present  (for  the  small  consideration  of  fifty  cents)  a  full  sheaf 
of  laughter  for  every  family — seed  for  everlasting  fun: — exemption  from 
every  kind  of  care  for  all  mankind — are  we  not  a  benefactor  I  We 
rather  think  so.  Reader,  shall  we  sing  of  laughter  t 

What  '&  the  use  of  sighing. 

Care  's  a  silly  calf — 
If  to  live  you  're  trying, 

The  only  way 's  to  laugh  \ 


Or,  shall  we  let  "  Jerrold  "  talk,  as  only  he  can.    "  Oh  1  glorious  laughter !  J 
thou  man-loving  spirit,  that  for  a  time  dost  take  the  burden  from  the  5 
weary  back ;  that  dost  lav  salve  to  the  feet,  bruised  and  cut  by  flints  j 
and  shards ;  that  takest  blood-baking  melancholy  by  the  nose  and  makest  \ 
it  grin  despite  itself;  that  all  the  sorrows  of  the  past,  doubts  of  the  J 
;  future,  confoundest  in  the  joy  of  the  present ;  that  makest  man  truly 
\  philosophic,  conqueror  of  himself  and  care  \     What  was  talked  of  as 
!  the  golden  chain  of  Jove,  was  nothing  but  a  succession  of  laughs,  a 
chromatic  scale  of  laughs,  that  renches  from  earth  to  Olympus.     It  is 
not  true  Prometheus  stole  the  fire,  but  the  laughter  of  the  gods  to  deify 


PREFACE. 


our  day,  and  La  the  abundance  of  our  merriment,  to  make  us  reasonable 
creatures.  Have  you  ever  considered  what  men  -would  be,  destitute  of 
the  ennobling  faculty  of  laughter?  It  is  to  the  face  of  man,  what 
synovia  (I  think  anatomists  call  it)  is  to  his  joints :  it  oiLs,  lubricates,  and 
makes  the  human  countenance  divine ;  without  it  our  faces  would  have 
been  rigged  hyena-like.  The  iniquities  of  our  hearts,  with  no  sweet 
antidote  to  work  upon  them,  would  have  made  the  face  of  the  best 
among  us  a  horrid,  dusky  thing,  with  two  sullen,  hungiy,  cruel  lights  at 
the  top — for  foreheads  would  then  have  gone  out  of  fashion — and  a 
cavernous  hole  below  the  nose.  Think  of  a  babe  without  laughter — as 
it  is  its  first  intelligence.  The  creature  shows  the  divinity  of  its  origin 
and  end,  by  smiling  upon  us ;  yes,  smiles  are  its  first  talk  with  the 
world — smiles  the  first  answer  that  it  understands.  And  then,  as  worldy 
wisdom  comes  upon  the  little  thing,  it  crows,  it  chuckles,  it  grins,  and 
shakes  in  its  nurse's  arms,  or  in  waggish  humor,  playing  bo-peep  with 
the  breast,  it  reveals  its  destiny,  declares  to  him  with  ears  to  hear  the 
heirdom  of  its  immortality.  Let  materialists  blaspheme  us  gingerly 
and  acutely  as  they  will,  they  must  end  in  confusion  and  laughter. 

Man  may  take  his  triumphant  stand  upon  his  broad  grins,  for  he  looks 
around  the  world,  and  his  innermost  soul,  sweetly  tickled  with  the 
knowledge,  tells  him  that  h«  of  all  creatures,  laughs.  Imagine,  if  you 
can,  a  laughing  fish  !  Let  man,  then,  send  a  loud  ha  !  ha  1 


through  the  Universe,  and  be  reverently  grateful  for  the  privilege.  All 
men  laugh  somehow  ;  the  false-toothed  man  is  never  done  grinning 
approbation  of  his  dentist ;  the  hearty  laugher  is  indubitably  honest ; 


I... 


VI  PREFACE. 

f 

the  false  man  seldom  gets  beyond  a  sneer ;  the  horse-laugher  is  a  vulgar  < 
bore ;  the  quiet  laugher  is  usually  acute  and  intelligent ;  sim]>erer9  inva- ' 
nably  think  themselves  pretty;  the  man  who  laughs  convulsively  has  a 
touch  of  madness ;  he,  who  IP.  laughing,  buries  his  eyes  in  fat,  and 
puckers  his  cheeks  into   a  sheaf  of  wrinkles,  is  always  a  merry  fellow. 
Sardonic  laughter,  like  the  wreath  of  Harmodius,  is  a  dagger  hid  beneath 
flowers,  but  a  benevolent  smile  is  the  fleeting  remembrance  of  man 
before  the  fall.     Reader,  we  intend  to  provoke  that  smile,  may  we  not 
also  count  on  the  benevolence  ;  we  anticipate  with  certainty  your  grati- 
fication, may  we  not  look  with  confidence  for  our  reward.     The  success 
of  a  couple  of  similar  works  prepared  by  us,  has  induced  us  to  again  j 
cater  for  the  public  amusement,  and  when  we  review  the  good  things  > 
(original  and  selected,  that  is,  "  begged,  borrowed,  and  stolen  ")  prepar-  \ 
ed  for  an  appreciating  community,  and  as  we  examine  and  laugh  (we  i 
can't  help  it)  over  these  side-splitting  illustrations,  "  got  up "  without 
regard  to  expense,  we  feel  confident  that  the  brilliant  success  of  our 
book  will  enable  us  to  say  with  truth  that  "  Republics  are  not  ungrate- 
ful"    We  might  dwell  with  much  emphasis  and  more  wind,  upon  this 
interesting  subject,  but  we  will  not  delay  our  (soon  to  be)  happy  readers 
from  the  treat  in  store  for  them,  particularly  as  they  may  accuse  us  of 


'BLOWING  OUR  OWN  TRUMPET."  S.  I*.  A. 


MRS.  PARTINGTON'S 
CARPET-BAG  OF  FUN. 


AV£RY 


MRS  PARTINGTON  ON  MORAL  TRAINING. — "Moral  training," 
said  Mrs.  Partington,  Si  is  the  best,  arter  all."  She  had  heard 
some  one  in  the  omnibus  speaking  of  moral  training,  and  her 
benevolence  gave  it  into  the  charge  of  memory  until  she  got  home, 
auu  memory  revolved  it,  and  pondered  it,  and  reviewed  it,  and 


8 


MRS      PARTINGTON     8 


fancy  construed  it  to  mean  something  about  the  military  training 
that  was  to  come  off  the  next  day,  "  I  hope  it  will  be  a  moral 
training,  I'm  shore,"  said  she,  "  for  I  see  the  gov'nor  is  to  be  there 
in  his  new  suite,  and  I  hope  they'll  make  their  revolutions  well 
before  him.  I  do  admire  the  millintery,  where  the  sogers  in  their 
j  fancy  unicorns  look  jest  like  a  patchwork  quilt.  They  wasn't 
j  moral  trainings  in  old  times,  when  men  put  l  enemies  into  their 
heads  to  steal  away  their  hats,'  as  Mr.  Smootli,  the  schoolmaster, 
used  to  say.  Your  uncle  Paul  had  a  good  deal  of  millintery 
sperrit,  sometimes,  Isaac."  Ike  had  remained  very  quiet  while 
she  was  speaking.  "  What  upon  airth  are  you  doing  there, 
Isaac  ?"  cried  she.  The  young  gentleman  readily  told  her  he  was 
painting  a  man,  at  the  same  time  displaying  an  animal,  nominally 
of  that  description,  done  beautifully  in  chalk,  which  he  appeared 
to  look  on  with  much  satisfaction.  "  But  what  are  you  painting  it 
with  ?  As  true  as  I'm  alive  you've  got  your  uncle  Paul's  chalk 
that  he  draws  what  he  calls  his  millintery  diadrams — all  out  of 
his  head  on  the  old  cherry  table  !" 


N  EDITOR'S  IDEAS  OF  BABIES. — An 
editor  who  has  been  married  about, 
a  year,  speaking  of  the  babies, 
says  : — "  The  delight  of  the  days, 
the  torment  of  the  nights— elegant 
in  full  dress,  but  horrible  in 
dishabille — beautiful  on  the  smile, 
but  maddening  on  the  yell — ex- 
quisitely in  place  in  the  nursery, 
but  awfully  out  of  place  in  the 
parlor,  or  railway  carriage — th« 

well-springs  of  delight,  and  the  recipients  of  unlimited  spankings — 
j  the  glory  of  '  pa,'  the  happiness  of  '  ma,' — who  wouldn't  have  'em  ?'• 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


A  REAL  RHILSHER  OF  A  JOKE. — A  man  lately  received  twenty 
lashes  well  laid  on,  at  the  whipping  post  at  Delaware.  The  cul- 
prit, instead  of  bellowing  when  the  constable  applied  tbe  lash, 
laughed  immoderately,  which  made  the  angry  officer  lay  en  with 
still  harder  force.  On  giving  him  the  twentieth  blow  the  angry 
officer  could  stand  it  no  longer.  "  Well,  here  mister,"  said  the 
offended  officer,  "  I've  done  my  duty,  and  I  can  lick  ye  no  more, 
but  I'd  jest  like  to  know  what  it  is  that's  so  funny  !"  "  Funny  !" 
roared  the  other,  "why  it's  excellent.  You've  got  the  wrong 
Smith  !  I  aint  the  man  that  was  to  be  whipped  !  It's  the  other 
one  !  Now  you'll  Iwve  to  go  it  all  over  again  !  Really  it's  too 
good  !  You  must  licl  the  other  man  !  Ha  !  ha  !" 


WIDOW  BEDOTT'S  MUSINGS. — "  He  was  a  wonderful  hand  to 

\  moralize,  my  husband  was,  (said  the  widow.)  'specially  after  he 

began  to  enjoy  poor  health.     He  made  an  observation  once,  when 

he  was  in  one  of  his  poor  turns,   that  I  shall  never  forget  the 

\  longest  day  I  live.     He  says  to  me  one  winter  evenin'  as  he  was 

|  sittin'  by  the  fire — I  was  knitfin',  (I    was  always    a   wonderful 

knitter,)  and  he  was  a  smokin'  {he  was  a  master  hand  to  smoke, 

j  though  the  doctors  used  to  tell  him  he'd  be  better  off  to  let  tobacco 

[  alone  :)  well,  he  took  his  pipe  out  o'  his  mouth,  and  turned  towards 


~7  ~! 


me — I  kno\v:d  sornetbin'  was  comin',  for  he  had  a  peculiar  way  o' 
lookin'  round  when  he  was  gwine  to  say  anytliin'  uncommon;  well, 
says  he  to  me,  says  lie,  'Silly/  (my  name  was  Priscilly.  naturally, 
but  he  generally  called  me  Silly,  'cause  'twas  handy,  you  know,) 
well,  says  he  to  me,  says  he,  '  Silly,'  and  he  looked  pretty  solemn, 
I  tell  you — he  had  a  solemn  countenance,  naturally — after  he'd 
got  to  be  a  deacon  'twas  more  so,  but  since  he'd  lost  his  health  he 
appeared  solemner  than  ever — and  certainly  you  wouldn't  wonder 
at  it  if  you  know'd  how  much  he  underwent.  He  was  troubled 
with  a  wonderful  pain  in  the  chest,  and  amazin'  weakness  in  the 
spine  of  his  back,  besides  the  pleurisy  in  his  side,  and  having  the 
ager  considerable  part  of  the  time,  and  bein'  broke  o'  his  rest  o' 
nights,  'cause  he  was  so  put  to  it  for  breath  when  he  laid  down. 
How  he  had  altered  since  the  first  time  I  see  him  !  That  was  at 
a  quiltin'  at  Squire  Smith's  a  spell  afore  Sally  was  married.  I'd 
no  idea  of  that  Sal  Pendegras.  Well,  that  was  the  first  time  I 
ever  saw  my  husband  ;  had  any  body'd  told  me  that  I  should 
marry  him,  I  should  have  said — but  law  sakes  !  I  most  forgot,  I 
was  gwine  to  tell  you  what  he  said  that  evenin',  and  when  a  body 
begins  to  tell  a  thing,  I  believe  in  finishin'  on't  some  time  or  other. 
Some  folks  have  a  strange  way  of  talkin'  round  for  ever,  and  never 
comin'  to  the  pint,  and  takin'  twenty  words  to  say  what  might  be 
told  in  five,  says  he,  '  Silly' — he'd  a  kept  on  say  in'  :  Silly'  from 
time  to  eternity,  'cause  you  know  he  wanted  me  to  pay  particular 
attention  to  him,  and  I  generally  did  ;  a  woman  was  never  more 
attentive  to  her  husband  than  I  was.  Well,  he  says  to  me,  says 
be,  '  Silly' — says  I,  '  what  ?'  though  I'd  no  idea  what  he  was 
gwine  to  say — didn't  know  but  'twas  somethin'  about  his  sufferins. 
Says  he  to  me,  says  he,  '  Silly' — (I  could  see  by  the  light  o'  the 
fire — there  didn't  happen  to  be  a  candle  a  burnin',  if  I  don't  dis- 
rernember,  though  my  memory  is  sometimes  forgetful,  but  I  know 
we  wa'nt  apt  to  burn  candles  exceptin'  we  had  company — I  could  , 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


11 


see  by  the  light  o'  the  fire  that  his  mind  was  uncommonly 
solemnized) — he  says  to  me,  says  he,  t  Silly,'  says  I,  '  what  ?? 
Says  he  to  me,  says  he,  *  We  are  all  poor  creatures}  " 

MRS.  PARTINGTON  AMONG  THE  ELE- 
PHANTS.— Mrs.  Partington  was  in  Woon- 
socket  when  Barnum  and  his  elephants 
came  there,  and  Isaac  and  the  old  lady 
went  to  see  them.    She  came  away  much 
excited,  and  on  arriving  at  the  house 
where  she   was   visiting,    her  feelings 
found  utterance    as    follows  : — "  Don't 
tell  me  about  the  knowingness  and  good 
manners    of    elephants,    for    I    shan't 
believe    it    arter    what's    took   place. 
Look  at  that  bonnet."     It  was  a  fabric 
of  rusty  crape,  high  in  the  crown,  with 
a  sugar  scoop  front,  upon  the  sides  of 
which  traces  of  a  crush  were  evident. 
"  I  never  was  in  such  a  flirtation  in  my 
born  days,"   continued    the  old   dame, 
trying  to  get  the  dints  out  of  her  head- 
piece.     "  You  can't  assuage  me  that 
they've  got  any  decency  or  mortification 
|  in  'em  at  all,  no  more'n  Ingen  salvages,  for  while  I  stood  looking 
|  at  a  dear  little  one,  that  I  took  at  first  for  a  black  leather  trunk 
';  that  belonged  to  one  of  the  big  ones,  one  of  'em  threw  his  arm 
over  me  and  jammed  my  bonnet  till  it's  a  sight  to  be  seen  ;  another 
one  put  his  arm  aronnd  my  neck  a  good  deal  too  free,  for  I  never 
was  used  to  such  treatment  when  I  was  young,  and  another  one 
put  his  hand  into  my  ridicule,  and  stole  a  ball  of  yarn,  thinking  it 
was  an  apple,  I  dare  say.     If  Isaac  hadn't  pushed  'em  away  I  do 
believe  they  would  have  made  a  sacrament  of  me  on  the  spot 


±j 


12 


MRS.     PARTING-TONS 


A     FRAGMENT. 

i  His  eye  was  stern  and  wild, — his  cheek  was  pale  and  cold  as  clay ; 

!  Upon  his  tighten'd  lip  a  smile  of  fearful  meaning  lay ; 

I  He  mused  awhile — but  not  in  doubt — no  trace  of  doubt  was  there  ; 
It  was  the  steady  solemn  pause  of  resolute  despair. 
Once  more  he  look'd  upon  the  scroll — once  more  its  irords  he  read--- 
Then  calmly,  with  unflinching  hand,  its  folds  before  him  spread. 
I  saw  him  bare  his  throat,  and  seize  the  blue  cold- gleaming  steel, 
And  grimly  try  the  temper'd  edge  he  was  so  soon  U  feel  ! 
A  sickness  crept  upon  my  heart,  and  dizzy  swam  my  head,— 

^  I  could  not  stir — I  could  not  cry — I  felt  benumb'd  and  dead; 

J  Black  icy  horrors  struck  me  dumb,  and  froze  rny  senses  o'er; 

( I  closed  my  eyes  in  utter  fear,  and  strove  to  think  no  more. 


CARPET-BAG     OF      FUN.  13 

_ 


#*##  #*## 

Again  I  looked, — a  fearful  change  across  his  face  had  pass'd — 
He  seern'd  to  rave, — on  cheek  and  lip  a  flaky  foam  was  cast : 
He  raised  on  high  the  glittering  blade, — then  first  I  found  a  tongue — 
<(1  Hold,   madman  !  stay  the  frantic  deed  !"  I  cried,   and  forth  I 

sprung ; 

He  heard  me.  but  he  heeded  not  •  one  glance  around  he  gave ; 
And  ere  I  could  arrest  his  hand,  he  had  begun  to  shave  ! 


A    DRAWBACK   TO   WEARING    IX)NG    HAIR. 

CRUEL  ANTICIPATION. — A  tip,sy  preacher,  in  Dumfries.  Scotland, 
was  saying  from  the  pulpit — u  What  was  it,  think  ye,  gude  people, 
that  swallowed  Jonah  ?  It  was  nae  horse,  it  was  nae  cow."  "  [ 
suppose,"  said  an  old  woman,  "  it  was  a  whale,  your  reverence." 
li  1  suppose,"  replied  he,  "  you  are  a  fool ;  you  might  as  well  take 
the  brede  oot  of  my  mouth,  as  the  word  of  God." 


OH  !  SQUEEZE  me.—"  Sal,'-  said  lisping  Bill,  "  if  you  don't  love 
me,  thay  tho ;  and  if  you  love  me,  and  don't  like  to  thay  tho, 
squeeth  my  hanth." 

SECOND  SIGHT. — "  Twins,  be  Jasus  !"  exclaimed  the  horror- 
struck  Irishman,  as  the  nurse  approached,  bearing  a  new  pledge  of 
affection  from  his  fruitful  helpmate.  "  Twins,  hinny  !"  cried  nurse 
— "  faith,  Murdoch,  and  it's  the  blessed  whiskey  that  make  ye  see 
double  this  morning  !" 


14 


MRS.     PARTINGTON 8 


IKE   AND   THE   OAT. 

The  boy  had  a  disposition  to  investigate  Natural  History,  and 
is  experimenting,  in  this  picture,  upon  feline  sensitiveness,  Mrs. 
Partington's  antique   ridicule    having    been  appropriated    by  the 
urchin  to  the  uses  of  experimental  science.     A  straw  is  used  by 
the    young    philosopher    to   demonstrate     the    exceeding    lack   of; 
patience  in  a  cat  under  difficulty,  and  from  ihc  good- luwio red  look  ; 
of  Ike,  it  is  evident,  that  however  disagreeable  the  operation  may  j 
be  to  the  cat,  the  result  of  the  experiment   is  very  satisfactory  to  I 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  15 


the  experimenter.  It  shows  the  selfishness  of  cats,  and  their  oppo- 
s.tion  to  the  march  of  science,  who  let  the  trifling  matter  of  per- 
sonal inconvenience  outweigh  all  considerations  of  benefit — what 
benefit  Ike  alone  can  tell.  If  he  is  willing  to  sacrifice  himself  in 
trying  the  experiment,  it  seems  unreasonable  for  the  cat  to  kick 
against  it. 


GETTING  DESPERATE. — "  Ahem  !  Ephraim,  I  heard  something 
about  you.' 

"  La,  now.  Miss  Sophrina,  you  don't  say  so." 

"  Yes,  indeed,  that  I  did :  and  a  great  many  said  it  too." 

"  La,  now,  what  is  it;  Miss  Sophrina  ?" 

"  0  dear,  I  can't  tell  you,"  (turning  away  her  head.) 

"Ola,  do  now." 

"Ono,  I  can't." 

"0  yes,  Miss  Sophrira." 

"La  me,  Ephraim,  y  iu  do  pester  a  body  so." 

"  Well,  do  please  te?  i  me,  Miss  Sophrina." 

"  Well,  I  heard  that-  -0.  I  can't  telt  you." 

"  Ah,  yes,  come  no\\,  do,"   (taking  her  hand.) 

"  Well,  I  did'nt  say  it,  but  I  heard  that—" 

"What?''   (putting  *n  arm  round  her  waist.) 

"  Oh,  don't  squeeze  *ne  so — I  heard  that — that  (turning  her  blue 
eyes  on  Ephraim's)-  that — you  and  I  were  to  be  married,  Eph- 
raim." 

DEGENERACY  OF  "  THE  MEN," — Mrs.  Partington  says,  that 
when  she  was  a  pal,  she  used  to  go  to  parties,  and  always  had 
beaux  to  extort  '>*r  home.  But  now,  she  says,  the  gals  undergo  all 
such  decliviti'j'?  :  the  task  to  extorting  them  home  revolves  on  their 
own  selves.  The  eld  lady  drew  down  her  specs  and  thanked  her 
stars  that  sV>  had  I'T^d  in  other  days,  when  men  were  more  palpa- 
!  ble  in  depreciatiu/.  \\  i  worth  of  the  female  sex. 


16 


MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


A  VERSATILE  MAN. — In  Norfolk,  England,  an  almost  countless  I 
scope  of  abilities,  collected  in  one  human  being,  is  thus  modestly  ' 
exhibited  in  verse,  in  Barrack-street,  in  the  city  of  Norwich  : — 

House  painting — rags  and  pickings  bought — 

Hogs  killed — and  hornpipe  dancing  taught — 

Small  beer — and  Godfrey's  cordial — yeast 

Sold  here — and  teeth  with  ease  displaced. 

The  itch — and  other  things  in  fashion, 

Both  cured  without  examination. 

Corns  cut — kibes  cured — shoes  made  with  list — 

And  leather  breeches  cleaned  and  dressed — 

Brick-laying  jobs — and  bleeding  done — 

By  Marshal  Purland,  No.  1. 


ATHER    INSINUATING. A     down-east 

editor  advises  his  readers,  if  they  wish  j 
to  get  teeth  inserted,  to  go  and  steal  < 
fruit  where  a  watch-dog  is  on  guard. 

CAN'T  BE  CHOKED  OFF. — "  Stop 
your  crying,"  said  an  enraged  father 
to  his  son,  who  had  kept  up  an  intol- 
erable "  yell  "  for  the  past  five  min- 
utes. "  Stop,  I  say,  do  you  hear  ?" 
again  repeated  the  father,  after  a  few 
minutes,  the  boy  still  crying.  "  You 
don't  suppose  I  can  choke  off  in  a 
minute,  do  you  ?;J  chimed  in  the  hope- 
ful urchin. 


A  SERIOUS  SUBJECT  TO  JOK.E  ON. — Marriage  has  recently  been 
defined  as  "  a  prodigal  desire  on  the  part  of  a  young  man  to  pay 
some  young  woman's  board." 


MRS.  PARTINGTON  ON  SPIRITUAL  KNOCKINGS,  &c. — "I  can't 
believe  in  sperituous  knockings,"  said  Mrs.  Partington,  solemnly. 
as  we  related  some  things  to  her  which  we  had  seen,  that  appear- 
ed to  us  very  mysterious.  "  I  can't  believe  about  it ;  for  I  know 
if  Paul  could  come  back,  he  would  envelope  himself  to  me  here, 
and  wouldn't  make  me  run  a  mile  only  to  get  a  few  dry  knocks. 
Strange  that  the  world  should  be  so  superstitional  as  to  believe 
sich  a  rapsody,  or  think  a  sperrit  can  go  knocking  about  like  a  boy 
in  vexation.  I  caii't  believe  it,  and  I  don't  know's  I  rtould  if  that 
teapot  there  was  to  jump  off  the  table  right  afore  my  eyes  !"  She 
paused,  and  through  the  gloom  of  approaching  darkness  we  could 
see  t)vj  determined  expression  of  her  mouth.  A  slight  movement 


18  MRS. 

was  heard  upon  the  table,  and  the  little  black  teapot  moved  from 
its  position,  crawled  slowly  up  the  wall,  and  then  hung  passively 
by  the  side  of  the  profile  of  the  ancient  corporal !     The  old  lady 
could  not  speak,  but  held  up  her  hands  in  wild  amazement,  while  5 
her  snuffbox  fell  from  her  nerveless  grasp  and  rolled  along  upon? 
the  sanded  floor.     She  left  the  room  to  procure  a  light,  and  as  soon  ! 
as  she  had  gone,  the  teapot  was  lowered  by  the  invisible  hand  to  ! 
its  original  station,  and  Ike  stepped  out  from  beneath  the  table, 
stowing  a  long  string  away  in  his  pocket,  and  grinning  prodigiously. 

HARD  TO  TAKE  A  HINT. — li  Pompey,  did  you  take  the  billet,  to 
Mr.  Jones  ?" 

"  Es,  massa." 

;{  Did  you  see  him  ?" 

u  Es,  sar,  me  jus  did." 

"  How  was  he  ?'' 

"  Woy,  massa,  he  looked  pooty  well,  'sidering  he  so  blind  !" 

"  Blind  !  what  do  you  mean  by  that  ?" 

"  Woy,  massy,  when  I  was  in  de  room,  a  gibbing  him  de  paper, 
he  axed  me  whar  was  my  hat ;  and,  massa,  perhaps  you  won't  be- 
leive  me.  he  wur  on  de  top  ob  my  head  de  hull  time," 

A  CHAPTER  ON  OMNIBUS  RIDING. — To  a  lover  of  comfort,  Life 
in  Paris,  when  a  revolution  is  breaking  all  your  windows,  and  you 
are  lying  down  flat  on  the  floor  to  avoid  the  shower  of  bul- 
lets, is  not  very  pleasant,  or  Life  in  Ireland,  in  a  district  where 
they  have  a  weakness,  just  about  quarter-day,  of  shooting,  not 
the  moon,  but  the  landlord  instead,  cannot  be  exactly  the  highest 
attainment  of  human  happiness; — but  still  we  think  any  one  of 
them  is  MAHOMET'S  Paradise  itself,  (providing,  of  course,  you 
escape  dying,  or  being  killed),  compared  to  the  LIFE  IN  AN 
OMNIBUS  with  twelve  insides,  two  babies,  a  bird  cage,  a  dog  j 


CARPET-BAG      OF     FUN. 


and  a  washerwoman 
smelling  strongly  of  rum 
and  yellow  soap  !  If 
DANTE  had  been  alive 
at  the  present  day,  (and 
we  can  only  regret  he  is 
not),  he  would  certain- 
ly have  placed  his  "  In- 
ferno" inside  an  omni- 
bus !  However,  there  is 
a  melancholy  pleasure 
in  smiling  over  the  an- 
noyances that  other 
people  stoically  endure, 
after  one  has  had  the 
courage  to  say,  "  I'll 
endure  them  no  longe* 


myself."     It  is  wrong  to  smile  ;  but  one  cannot  help  it. 


Now  the  action  of  putting  the  hand  into  the  pocket  is  generally 


20 


MRS.      PARTINGTON     8 


an  interesting  operation  for  the  mind.  Assistance  is  mostly  given 
to  a  man  who  shows  a  desire  to  perform  that  operation,  so  that  lie 
may  perform  it  with  the  greatest  ease  to  himself.  But  in  an 
omnibus  this  delicate  law  of  Anglican  nature  is  reversed.  The 
operator  is  wedged  in  so  tight,  that  it  is  with  difficulty  he  can 
move  his  arm  to  get  his  purse  out.  The  fact  is,  every  one  knows 
that  it  is  not  to  benefit  himself,  and  they  would  see  you  and  your 
purse  at  the  bottom  of  the  omnibus  first,  before  they  would  move 
the  thickness  of  a  wafer  to  help  you.  How  different  would  be  the 
behavior  of  these  very  gentlemen,  when  standing  behind  the 
counters  in  their  shops  ! 

This  same  sort  of  sluggish  selfishness  seems  to  take  possession  j 
of  the  driver  He  sees  persons  paying  such  little  attention  to  each  I 
other's  comforts,  that  he  learns  in  time  to  pay  no  attention  to  them 

himself.  The  truth  is, 
the  selfishness  inside 
gradually  acts  upon  • 
him,  and  he  grows,  at  j 
last,  as  selfish,  perhaps  5 
more  so,  than  any  one 
else.  He  notices  that 
the  universal  law  in 
omnibuses  is  "  Every 
one  for  himself;"  and 
accordingly  he  applies 
that  law  to  his  own 
benefit.  In  the  wild 
pursuit  of  it,  it  little 
matters  to  him  what 
he  does.  He  throws 

in  children  upon  the  mere  speculation  that  Ci  some  gent  will  p'raps 
have  the  kindness  to  take  them  on  his  knee  j"  he  takes  up  any 
number  of  women,  blissfully  unconscious  whether  the  omnibus 


Uwii. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


21 


will  contain  them  or  not  \  he  will  not  "  stop  "  a  minute  before  it 
pleases  him,  though  a  dozen  persons  may  be  tugging  at  him  all  the 
while  with  a  dozen  hook  sticks  •  and  he  will  think  nothing  of 
5  "  putting  you  down  "  in  the  middle  of  the  road,  while  the  passen- 
gers shout 


"  ALL  EIGHT  !    GO  A-HEAD  1" 

THE  DUTCHMAN'S  ESCAPE. — A  Dutchman  was  relating  his  mar- 
velous  escape  from  drowning,  when  thirteen  of  his  companions 
were  lost  by  the  upsetting  of  a  boat,  and  he  alone  was  saved. 
"  And  how  did  you  escape  their  fate  ?"  asked  one  of  the  hearer*. 
u  I  tid  not  go  in  te  pout,"  was  the  Dutchman's  placid  answer. 


22  MRS.     PARTINGTONS 


A  CHAPTER  ON  KISSING. — When  a  wild  lark  attempts  to 
a  kiss  from  a  Nantucket  girl,  she  says,  "  Come  sheer  off,  or  I'll 
split  your  mainsail  with  a  typhoon."  The  Boston  girls  hold  still 
until  they  are  well  kissed,  when  they  flare  up  and  say,  u  I  think 
you  ought  to  be  ashamed."  When  a  young  chap  steals  a  kiss  from 
an  Alabama  girl,  she  says,  "I  reckon  it's  my  time  now,"  and 
gives  him  a  box  on  the  ear  that  he  don't  forget  in  a  week.  When 
a  clever  fellow  steals  a  kiss  from  a  Louisiana  girl,  she  smiles, 
blushes  deeply,  and  says — nothing.  We  think  our  girls  have  more 
taste  and  sense  than  those  of  down-east  and  Alabama  When  a 
man  is  smart  enough  to  steal  the  divine  luxury  from  them,  they 
are  perfectly  satisfied.  In  Lynn,  Mass.,  when  a  female  is  saluted 
with  a  buss,  she  puts  on  her  bonnet  and  shawl,  and  ans  wereth  thus, — 
"  I  am  astonished  at  thy  assurance,  Jedediah ;  for  this  indignity  I 
will  sew  thee  up."  Our  New  York  Ladies  receive  a  salute  with 
Christian  meekness  :  they  follow  the  Scripture  rule, — When  smitten 
on  the  one  check  they  turn  the  other  also.  When  a  Bergen  girl  gets 
kissed  she  very  calmly  remarks,  ':  Hans,  tat  ifih  good;"  and  when 
a  Block  Island  girl  receives  a  buss,  she  exclaims  with  considerable 
animation,  "Well,  John,  you've  wiped  my  chaps  off  beautiful." 

WORLD  OF  PURE  SPIRITS. — An  inveterate  dram  drinker  being 
told  that  the  cholera  with  which  he  was  attacked  was  incurable,  ) 
and  that  he  would  speedily  be  removed  to  a  world  of  pure  spirits,  j 
replied,  "  Well  that's  comfort  at  all  events,  for  it's  very  difficult ) 
to  get  any  in  this  world." 


SCENE  IN  A  SCHOOL. — "First  class  in  geography  come  up. 
Bill  Toots,  what  is  a  cape?"  "A  thic.g  that  mother  wears  over 
her  shoulders."  "  What's  a  plain  ?"  "  A  tool  used  by  carpenters 
for  smoothing  off  boards.'  "  What's  a  desert  ?"  "  It;s  goodies 
after  dinner."  "  That'll  do,  Bill,  I'll  give  you  goodies  after  school." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


(    OUR  YOUNG  FRIEND    MR.  ROBERT  OUR    YOUNG     FRIEND    MR.    ROBERT 

!    JONES,    AS    HE    APPEARED    IN    HIS  |  JoNES,    AS    HE  APPEARED  WHEN,  FROM 
NEW     ELASTIC     PANTS,     PROMENA- 
DING  BROADWAY. 


SOME  UNEXPLAINED  CAUSE,  HIS  STRAPS 
AND     BRACES     RETIRED     FROM     OFFICE 

TOGETHKU. 


BOARD  OUT  WEST. — Trareller  dismounts  at  a  tavern.  "  Halloa 
landlord — can  I  get  lodgings  here  to-night?''  Landlord.  "No, 
sir  j  every  room  in  the  house  is  engaged."  Traveller.  •'  Can't 
you  even  give  give  me  a  blanket,  and  a  bunch  of  shavings  for  a 
pillow,  in  your  bar-room  ?"  Landlord.  c:  No,  sir  :  there's  not  a 
square  foot  of  space  unoccupied  anywhere  in  the  house."  Traveller 
"  Then  I'll  thank  you,  sir,  to  shove  a  pole  out  of  your  second-fleer 
window,  and  I'll  roost  on  that." 


24 


MRS.      PARTINGTONS 


MRS.  PARTINGTON  EXCITED. — "  Bless  me  !"  exclaimed  Mrs. 
Partirigton,  coming  in  out  of  breath,  and  dropping  down  into  a 
chair  like  a  jolly  old  kedge  anchor,  at  the  same  time  fanning  her- 

j  self  with  an  imaginary  fan.     She  didn't  say  "  Bless  me"  because 

i  she  was  in  want  of  any  particular  blessing  at  that  time ;  it  was 
merely  an  ejaculation  of  hers,  expressive  of  deep  emotion.  "  Bless 
me  !"  said  she,  "  I  don't  see  why  the  Water  Commissionaries  were 
so  much  worried  and  fretted  about  introducing  the  Cochituate 
water  for ;  I  think  it  is  the  easiest  thing  in  the  world  to  get  ac- 
quainted with.  Look  at  that  bonnet  now,"  holding  up  the  anti- 
quated, but  well  preserved  bit  o'  crape,  dripping  with  watery 
drops,  like  the  umbrella  of'Aquarius;  ':look  at  that  bonnet,  now ! 
ruined  to  all  tents  and  porpoises  by  the  pesky  water  works.  In- 

( troduce  it,  indeed  !';  continued  she,  ironically,  looking  severely  at 
the  wrecked  article  in  her  hand.  i;  taint  no  use  of  introducing  an 
acquaintance  that  makes  so  free  with  you  at  first  sight."  She 
arose  to  hang  up  her  bonnet,  when  Ike,  who  was  hanging  upon 
the  back  of  her  chair,  fell  heavily  against  the  window  and  thrust 
the  rear  portion  of  his  person  through  four  uan«»e  ~*  -'^s. 

,  Isaac."  said  «h«»  «-»mii'il  iw»  +i»«  -"•n»w««  «*  «*»*..  ..  •  was  r.oo  as 
Kr  osote  1  couldirl  stand  u 

BOUND  TO  BE  THAR. — A  foreigner  in  America  expressing  his 
surprise  that  the  passengers  on  board  a  steamboat  should  leave 
their  beds  in  a  foggy  morning  at  four  o'clock,  to  watch  till  eight] 
the  appearance  of  the  place  to  which  they  were  destined,  a  fellow 
traveller  replied,  "  If  you  knew  my  countrymen,  you  would  think 
j  it  but  a  matter  of  course,  that  in  order  to  arrive  at  nine  they 
should  rise  at  four.  Tt  is  the  nature  of  an  American  to  be  always 
in  fear  lest  his  neighbor  should  arrive  before  him.  If  one  hundred 
Americans  were  about  to  be  shot,  they  would  fight  for  precedence 
such  are  their  habits  of  competition." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


25 


A  MODERN  FARMER'S  WIFE. — A  young  lady,  recently  married 
to  a  farmer,  one  day  visited  the  cowhouses,  when  she  thus  interro- 
gated her  milkmaid :  "  By-the-by,  Mary,  which  of  these  cows  is 
it  that  gives  the  buttermilk  ?" 

AXE-ING  A  MAN. — Prentice  says  Mr.  Bently,  has  been  indicted 
for  severely  wounding  a  stranger  with  an  axe,  alleging  as  a  reason, 
that  he  didn't  know  but  what  he  was  a  robber.  "  He  didn't  know," 
adds  Prentice,  "  and  so  he  axed  him." 

A  FASHIONABLE  NOVEL. 

IN  THREE   CHAPTERS. 

CHAPTER  I. — THE  HORRIBLE  SUSPICION. 

f  •  Vl 

s  I  was  walking  in  the  out- 
skirts of  that  lovely  and  never 
to   be    forgotten    village   of 
Saratoga  in   the  summer  of 
185-  I  was  going  up  the  hill, 
and    involuntarily     agreeing 
with  the  poet,  "  how  hard  it 
is  to  climb,"  when  Itsaw  in 
the  distance  the  form  of  Sera- 
phina  Podgkinson.    But  might 
I  not  be  mistaken.     I  would 
not   credit    such    an    impro- 
bability for  a  moment  on  the  ( 
part  of  one  who  had  presented  | 
me,  only  on  my  last  birthday,  I 
with  a   magnificent   pair   of 
bead  braces  !     But  what  did 
I  see  ?     B>  all  that  was  false 
and  jilting  in  woman,  she  had  on  the  very  mousseline  de  laine  \  had 

5 


j  anc 


26 


MRS.    PARTING  TON 


brought  her  from  Paris.  It  was  the  very  same  sprig — the  iden- 
tical heart's-ease,  lacerated  with  thorns  ;  a  pattern  too  indicative, 
alas  !  of  my  own  happiness.  I  needed  no  further  corroboration  ; 
my  brain  polkaed  backwards  and  forwards,  and  then  waltzed 
giddily  round,  and  I  felt  vastly  like  one  who  had  lost  all  his  money 
at  cards,  and  is  conscious,  for  the  first  time,  what  a  fool  he  has 
been !  I  rushed  madly  away,  but  could  not  help  taking  a  farewell 
glance  before  I  turned  my  back  upon  her  for  ever.  .Would  1  had 
been  blind,  for  then  I  should  not  have  witnessed  with  my  burning 
eyes,  the  perfidious,  aristocratic  Seraphina  giving  her  arm  to  a  six- 
foot  officer  in  the  army  ! 


CHAPTER  II. — THE    TERRIBLE   ACCUSATION. 

HAD  burnt  my  braces.      I   had  endeavored  to 
purchase  forgetfulness  of  Seraphina's  falseness 
in  a  box   of  full-flavored  Havannas  !      I    had 
smoked  them  every  one  j  but  no. 


I  could  not  get  those  six  feet  of 
military  anatomy  out  of  my  head, 
nor  wipe  a\vay,  from  before  my 
eyes,  that  sylph-like  form  of  mous- 
seline  de  laine.  I  was  a  miserable 
man — I  got  fat — allowed  my  hair 
to  grow  as  it  liked — neglected  my 
once  dearmoustachios — drank  beer  j 
— let  my  whiskers  run  riot — went 
about  actually  without  straps — in 
fact,  did  not  care  what  becarn %/  of 
me.  My  friends  left  me  on  by 
one ;  I  cried  like  a  pump,  «  1 
was. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


27 


CHAPTER  III. — THE  MYSTERIOUS  DISCOVERT, 

WAS  killing  a  month  at  Saratoga  till  my  hair  had  resumed 
its  Rowland-like  luxuriance,  and,  having 
nothing  to  do,  in  despair  I  took  up  the  news- 
paper. Good  gracious,  what  did  I  see  !  A 
police  report,  in  which  the  name  of  my  well- 
beloved  Seraphina  was  mentioned.  I  invol- 
untarily ground  my 
teeth,  as  I  thought  of  ! 
her  perfidy,  but  still  I  ! 
could  not  control  my-  / 
self  against  unconscious-  j 
ly  reading  the  follow- 
ing : — "  Mary  Duggins, 
a  washerwoman,  was 
charged  with  having  on 
several  occasions  worn 
the  dresses  of  her  cus- 
tomers It  was  proved  that  she  had  worn  at  Saratoga,  on  two 
distinct  occasions,  a  handsome  mousseline  de  laine  of  the  lovely 
Seraphina  Podgkinson  of  Bond  Street.  Several  gentlemen  came 
forward  and  complained  warmly  of  the  indignity,  and  the  very 
great  annoyance  their  families  had  been  subjected  to  in  conse- 
quence of  the  innumerable  contretemps  that  had  arisen  from  Mrs. 
Duggins  wearing  their  daughters'  dresses. 

I  started  up  like  a  madman.     So  then  the  figure  I  had  seen  on  < 


a  Sunday  was  not  my  beloved  Seraphina,  but  merely  the  mocS  *ry  ( 
of  her  elegant  self — the  mere  inanimate  clothes  that  helped  to 
adorn  her  poetical  person  !    How  I  laughed  at  myself !    To  mistake 
a  washerwoman  for  her,    who  had  not  her  equal  on  the  earth  -' 
Not  to  distinguish   the   native   dignity  of  Podgkinson  from  the 


28 


MRS.      PARTINGTON    8 


innate   soap-suds   of  a   Mary   Duggins  !      Oh.   Jealousy !    what 
nincompoops  you  make  of  the  •wisest  men  ! 

The  following  day  I  was  in  the  arms  of  my  dearest  Seraphina. 
She  quizzed  me  dreadfully,  scolded  me,  inquired  how  many 
bumpers  of  prussic  acid  t  had  drank ;  and  the  following  day  rent 
me  a  curious  little  packet,  which  contained  half-a-dozen  of  the 
genuine  bears'  grease  imported  from  the  North  Pole.  Could  I 
mistake  such  undeniable  proofs  of  affection?  I  should  have  been 
a  Malthus,  a  Martineau,  a  stone,  a  mummy,  a  dummy,  if  I  had 
not  made  Podgkinson  the  partner  of  my  joys. 


NOVEL  ARGUMENT. — A  temperance  man  in  Cincinnati  argufies 
thus: 

If  wine  is  poison,  so  is  tea — 

Only  in  another  shape: 
What  matter  whether  one  is  kill'd 
By  canister  or  grape  ? 


ONE  OF  THE  FAMILY. — A  gentleman  whose  preaching  -we  have 

heard  on  a  Sunday,  went  to  Washington  Market  not  long  since 

and  purchased  a  goose  of  an  old  woman  who  had  a  lot  of  them  for 

j  .sale,  which  she  had  brought  to  market  from  some  town  of  West- 

}  Chester  county,  where  she  lived.     After  our  Reverend  had  paid  for 

'  the  goose,  he  observed  the  woman  was  crying. 

"  My  good  woman,  what  is  the  matter  !  If  I  have  not  paid  you 
enough,  I  will  give  you  more.  Only  say  so." 

"  Oh  no,  sir,  it  ain't  the  price  ;  but  I  can't  help  crying  at  parting 
with  that  favorite  old  goose,  which  has  been  like  one  of  our  family 
for  over  eighteen  years  !" 

BEAUTIFUL. — As  winds  the  ivy  around  the  tree  as  to  the  crag 
the  rnoss  patch  roots,  so  clings  my  constant  soul  tc  thee !  my  own, 
my  beautiful — my  boots  ! 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  29 


MR.  TWOMBLEY'S  MISTAKE. — Mr.  Thomas  Twombley  had  drank 
but  six  glasses  of  brandy  and  water,  when,  being  a  man  of  discre- 
tion, he  returned  home  at  tht  seasonable  hour  of  one  A.M.,  and 
went  soberly  to  bed. 

Mrs.  Thomas  Twombley  was  too  well  accustomed  to  the  goings 
and  comings  of  Mr.  Thomas,  to  be  much  disturbed  by  the  trifling - 
noise  he  made,  on  retiring  ;  but  when  she  discovered  that  he  had 
his  boots  on,  she  requested  him  to  remove  them,  or  keep  his  feet 
out  of  bed. 

"  My  dear,"  said  Mr.  Twombley,  in  an  apologetic  tone,  "  'skuse 
me  !  How  I  came  to  forget  the  boots,  I  can't  conceive,  for  I'm  je?; 
sobe'  's  I  ever  was  'n  my  life  !" 

Mr.  Twombley  sat  on  the  side  of  his  bed,  and  made  an  effort  to 
pull  off  his  right  boot.    The  attempt  was  successful,  but  it  brought 
him  to  the  floor.     On  regaining  his  feet,    Mr.  Twombley  thought  j 
he  saw  the  door  open.    As  he  was  sure  he  shut  the  door  on  coming  > 
in,  he  was  astonished;  and,  dark  as  it  was  in  the  room,  he  couldn't 
be  mistaken,  he  felt  certain. 

Mr.  Twombley  staggered  towards  the  door,  to  close  it ;  when,  to 
)  his  still  greater  surprise,  he  saw  a  figure  approach  from  beyond. 
|  Twombley  stopped ;  the  figure  stopped.  Twombley  advanced 
j  again,  and  the  figure  did  the  same.  Twombley  raised  his  right 
r  hand — the  figure  raised  its  left. 

"  Who's  there  !"  roared  Twombley,  beginning  to  be  frightened, 
j      The  object  made  no  reply.      Twombley  raised  his  boot  in  a 
menacing  attitude — the  figure  defied  him  by  shaking  a  similar 
f  object. 

i      "  By  the  Lor  !"  cried  Twombley,  "  I'll  find  out  who  you  be,  you 
'  sneakin'  cuss  !•'' 

He  hurled  his  boot  full  at  the  head  of  his  mysterious  object, 
when— crash  !  went  the  big  looking-glass,  which  TwombW  had 
mistaken  for  the  door  ' 


30 


MRS.     PARTINGTON     8 


A  BACHELOR'S  WOES. — What  a  pitiful  thing  an  jold  bachelor 
is,  with  his  cheerless  house  and  his  rueful  phiz,  on  a  bitter  cold 
|  night,  when  t'u'.  ^rce  winds  blow,  and  when  the  earth  is  covered  ) 
;  with  a  foot,  </  snow      :Vhen  his  fire  is  out,  and  in  shivering  dread  I 
he  slips  'ueuth  the  Mitels  of  his  lonely  bed.     How  he  draws  up  his 
toes,  all  cucased  ir>  y;nn  hose,  and  he  buries  his  nose  and  his  toes, 
still  encased  in  ya.n  hose,  that  they  may  not  chance  to  get  froze. 
Then  frje  puffi  anr'  lie  blows  and  he  swears  that  he  knows,  no  mor- 
tal on  earth  e.vr/  suffered  such  woes;  and  with  all's  !  and  with 
oh'-  !  and  ViM  iimbs  so  disposed,  that  neither  his  toes  nor  his  nose 
i/Jdy  be.  frfjy<    to  his  slumbers  in  silence  the  old  bachelor  goes 
in  the.  im.n    when  the  cock  crows,  and  the  sun  had  just  rose,  from  j 
teri"5itli  ti  c  bed-clothes  pops  the  bachelor's  nose,  when  he  hears  i 
how  lite  wind  blows,  and  sees  the  windows  ail  froze,  why  back  ( 


OARPET-BAGOFFUN.  31 


'neath  the  clothes  pops  the  poor  fellow's  nose,  for  full  well  he 
knows  if  from  his  bed  he  rose,  to  put  on  his  clothes,  that  he'd 
surely  be  froze. 


HO\T  FOLKS  DIFFER. — We  chew  tobacco,  the  Hindoo  takes  to 
lime,  while  the  Patagonian  finds  contentment  in  a  bite  of  guano. 
The  children  of  this  country  delight  in  candy,  those  of  Africa  in 
rock  salt.  A  Frenchman  goes  his  length  for  fried  frogs,  while  an 
Esquimaux  Indian  thinks  a  stewed  candle  the  ,climax  of  dainties. 
The  South  Sea  Islanders  differ  from  all  these,  their  favorite  dish 
being  boiled  clergymen,  or  a  roasted  missionary. 


A  HARD  STORY.  —  A  correspondent  writing  from  San  Jose  Mission, 
says  that  the  bulls  in  that  region  live  to  such  a  great  age,  that 
their  owners  have  to  fasten  long  poles  to  th*  end  of  their  horns  to 
let  the  wrinkles  run  out  on  ! 


MAKING  A  SHIFT.  —  Snooks  wonders  where  all  the  pillow-cases 
{  go  to.  He  says  that  he  never  asked  a  girl  what  she  was  making. 
|  when  she  was  engaged  in  white  sewing,  without  having  in  answer, 
!  *'  A  pillow-case."  Yes,  they  have  to  "  make  shift"  as  best  they 
jean,  and  answer  anything.  A  gentleman  once  asked  a  young 
|  lady  of  his  acquaintance,  "  What  are  you  making,  Miss  Knapp  ?" 

{  ;:  Knapp-sack,"  was  the  quick  reply. 

!_^__^__ 
OME  OF  THE  OLD  LADIES.  —  An  old  lady,  not  remarkable  for 
the  clearness  of  her  ideas,  describing  a  fine  Summer  evening,  said 
—  '•  It  was  a  beautiful,  bright  night  ;  the  moon  made  everything 
05  light  as  a  feather  /" 

A  GOOD  NOTE.  —  "Is  your  note  good?"  asked  a  merchant  the 
other  day,  of  a  person  who  offered  a  note  for  a  lot  of  goods. 
"  Well,"  replied  the  purchaser,  "  I  should  think  it  ought  to  H  j 
ever*-  body's  got  one  !" 


MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


LOVE    IN    ADVERSITY. 
BY   PROFESSOR   WIDES\VARTH. 


I 


When  life-storms  beat  in  fury  on  our  head — 

The  world  grown  cold,  and  fortune  darkly  frowning, 
No  plank  thrown  out  to  save  us  if  we're  drowning, 

And  hope  of  aid  from  out  our  bosom  fled : 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  33 


When  friends  we've  aided  in  our  summer  time —  • 

Whom  we'd  have  shed  our  life's  warm  blood  to  save—- 
Now turn  from  us  with  aspect  strange  and  grave, 

As  if  our  poverty  were  deepest  crime  : — 

Let  them  all  go — we'll  closer  cling  together, 

When  storms  essay  their  fiercest,  bitterest  might, 
And  deepest  blackness  crowns  misfortune's  night — 

Our  heart's  affection  yields  not  to  the  weather  ! 

Cling  we  in  storm,  like  yonder  girl  and  ':  feller," 

Who  snuggle  close  beneath  that  small  umbrella. 

AN  ILLINOIS  COURT  SCENE. — A  constable  that  had  lately  been 
inducted  into  office  was  in  attendance  on  the  court,  and  was 
ordered  by  the  judge  to  call  John  Bell  and  Elizabeth  Bell.  He 
immediately  began  at  the  top  of  his  lungs. 

<:  John  Bell  and  Elizabeth  Bell  ?» 

'.'  One  at  a  time,"  said  the  judge. 

"  One  at  a  time — One  at  a  time — ONE  AT  A  TIME,"  shouted  the 
constable. 

"  Now  you've  done  it,"  exclaimed  the  judge,  out  of  patience. 

li  Now  you've  done  it — now  yoii've  done  it — NOW  YOU'VE  DONE 
1Tj" — yelled  the  constable.  There  was  no  standing  this,  the  court, 
bar,  and  bystanders  broke  into  a  hearty  laugh,  to  the  perfect  sur- 
prise and  dismay  of  the  astonished  constable. 

STIRRING  THEM  UP. — A  Michigan  paper  publishes  the  following: 
Ci  Fellow  citizens  !  If  you  are  asleep — awake  !  If  you  are  awake 
— move  !  If  you  are  moving — walk  !  If  you  are  walking — run  ! 
If  you  are  running— fly  to  the  rescue  !" 


TEMPERANCE  OPPOSED  TO  MARRIAGE. — Why  should  a  teeto- 
taller refrain  from  marrying?  Because,  if  he  got  a  wife  his 
principles  would  not  permit  him  to  sup-porter. 


34 


MRS.    PARTINGTON     S 


Mamma.  WHY  THAT'S  YOUK    UNCLE  CHARLES,  JUST  COME  BACK  FKOM 
\  EUROPE,  WHY  DON'T"  YOU  KISS  HIM,  ELLEN? 
Ellen.  WHY  MA,  I  DON'T  SEE  ANY  PLACE! 


A  GOOD  REASON  HE  COULD  NOT  DO  IT. — Blitz  had  a  bright  little 
fellow  on  the  stand  to  assist  him  in  the  "•  experiments." 

"  Sir,"  said  the  Sigrnor,  "  do  you  think  I  could  put  the  twenty- 
five  cent  pieces  which  that  lady  holds,  into  your  coat  pocket  ?" 

"  No,"  said  the  boy  confidently. 

"  Think  not  ?" 

<:  I  know  you  couldn't,"  said  the  little  fellow  with  great  firmness. 

"  Why  not  ?" 

"  Cause  the  pocket  is  all  torn  out  \1: 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


85 


A  NEW  REMEDY. — "  What  can  a  man  do,"  asked  a  green  'un, 
"  when  the  sheriff  is  seen  coming  up  to  him  with  a  writ  in  his 
hand  ?» 

"  Apply  the  remedy."  said  another,  gruffly. 

"  Apply  the  remedy  !     What  kind  of  remedy  ?'' 

"  Heel-ing  remedy,  you  goose — run  like  a  quarter-horse." 


PAT   TOO   MUCH    FOR   THE   YANKEE. 

A  Pat — an  ">dd  joker — and  Yankee  more  sly, 

Once  riding  together,  a  gallows  pass'd  by  : 

Said  the  Yankee  to  Pat,  '•  If  I  don't  make  too  free, 

Give  that  gallows  its  due,  pray  where  then  would  you  be  ?" 

"  Why  honey,"  said  Pat.  u  faith  that's  easily  known, 

I'd  be  riding  to  town — by  myself — all  alone." 

WOMEN  BEAT  THE  DEVIL. — Query.  Would  the  devil  beat  his 
wife  if  he  had  one?" 

Ans.  Guess  not — for  women  generally  beat  the  d 1. 


MRS.     PARTINGTON     S 


QUAKER  INSPIRATION. — Miss  Drummond,  the  Quakeress  preacher, 
was  asked  whether  the  spirit  ever  inspired  her  witt  the  thought* 
of  getting  married  ? 

"  No,  friend,"  said  she,  "  but  the-flesh  has." 

SMART  BOY. — "  Sonny,  what  is  your  father's  name  ?" 

"  I  don't  know  what  it  is  now — it  used  to  be  Smith,  but  he's 
got  married." 

"  That  is,  I  suppose,  Smith  was  his  maiden  name  ?" 

"  Yeth  'urn  !" 

Smart  boy — we  shouldn't  wonder  milch  if  you  bought  a  lot  of 
oxen  some  day,  and  opened  a  dry  dairy. 

IRISH  COOLNESS. — "  How  is  coal  this  morning,"  said  a  pur- 
chaser to  an  Irishman  in  a  coal  yard.  "  Black  as  iver,"  replied 
Pat,  respectfully  taking  off  the  remains  of  his  hat. 


IRISH  INNOCENCE. — "  Molly,"  said  a  lady  to  her  servant,  "  I 
think  you'll  never  set  the  river  on  fire."  "  Indade,  ma'am,"  in- 
nocently replied  Molly,  "  I'd  never  be  after  doing  anything  BO 
wicked — I'd  be  burning  up  all  the  little  fishes." 


DROPPING  AN  ACQUAINTANCE." 


CARPET-BAG     OF      FUN.  37 


CALLING  THE  WATCH-HOUSE. — The  most  amusing  man  in  the 
world  is  a  Frenchman  in  a  passion,  "  By  gar,  you  call  my  vife  a 
voman  three  several  times  once  more,  and  I  vill  call  de  vatch- 
j  and  blow  your  brain  like  a  candle,  by  dam." 


THE   HARE   A-PAEENT. 


THE  ELEPHANT'S  KEYHOLE. — A  lady  in  a  menagerie  oeing 
asked  why  she  so  closely  scanned  the  elephant  with  her  opera 
glass?  replied,  that  she  was  "looking  for  the  keyhole  to  his 
trunk  !" 

TWELVE  AT  A  BIRTH. — A  country  editor,  in  speaking  of  a 
steamboat,  says — "  She  has  twelve  berths  in  her  ladies'  cabin." 

"  Oh,  life  of  me,"  exclaimed  an  old  lady  on  reading  the  above, 
"  what  squalling  there  must  have  been." 

LETTING  'EM  OUT. — An  Irish  tailor,  making  a  gentleman's  coat 
and  vest  toe  small,  was  ordered  to  take  them  home  and  let  them 
out.     Some  days  after,  the  gentleman  was  told  that  his  garments  j 
happened  to  fit  a  countryman  of  bis,  and  he  had  let  them  out  at  a ! 
shilling  a  week. 


38  MRS. 

A  GOOD  OL>  DARKEY.  —  A  negro  preacher,  referring  to  the 
Judgment  Day  */•  his  sermon,  said  :  "  Brethren  and  sisters,  in  that 
day,  the  Lord">Vl  diwide  the  sheep  from  the  goats  ;  and,  bress  de 
Lord,  we  kn»  r  which  wears  de  wool  /" 

A  HEAV<  LETTER.  —  "I  find  there  are  a  half  dozen  partridges 

i  in  the  levtfvy  '  said  a  gentleman  to  a  servant,  who  replied,  "  Sir,  I 

am  glad  y<>\i  havs  found  them  in  the  letter  ;  for  they  flew  out  of 

the 


Nor  BAD.  —  ::  Where  was  I,  Ma,"  said  a  little  urchin  one  day 
to  his  mother,  as  he  stood  gazing  upon  his  drunken  prostrate  Bather, 
"  where  was  I  when  you  married  Pa  ?  Why  didn't  you  take  me 
along,  I  could  have  picked  out  a  better  man  than  he  is  /" 

BRAYING  CHRONICLE  says  that 
the  man  who  would  systemati- 
cally and  willingly  set  about 
cheating  a  printer,  would  com- 
mit highway  robbery  upon  a 
crying  baby,  and  rob  it  of  its 
gingerbread  —  take  the  last  bit  j 
of  hoe  cake  from  a  starving  ne- 
gro —  rob  a  church  of  pennies  — 

lick  the  butter  off  a  blind  negro's  "  flitter"  —  pawr  the  false  whisk- 
ers of  a  dandy  for  liquor  —  skin  a  toad  for  his  hide  —  and  take  the 
clothes  of  a  scare-crow,  to  make  a  respectable  appearance  in  society. 

A  MISTAKEN  YOUNG  MAN.  —  "  I  hope  you  will  b*  >  able  to  support 
me,"  said  a  young  lady  while  walking  out  one  evening  with  her 
intended,  during  a  somewhat  slippery  state  of  the  nldewalks. 

"  Why,  yes,"  said  the  somewhat  hesitating  swain,  "  with  a  little 
assistance  from  your  father."  There  was  some  confusion,  and  a 
profound  silence. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


39 


"  I   GOT   SOME   SOOT   IN   THAT   BARGAIN,"    AS   THE   LOAFEE   SAID   WHEN  HE 
GOT   KICKED    DOWN   STAIRS. 

VERY  UN-LAMB  LIKE. — It  being  reported  that  Lady  Caroline 
Lamb  had,  in  a  moment  of  passion,  knocked  down  one  of  her 
pages  with  a  stool,  the  poet  Moore,  to  whom  this  story  was  told  by 
Lord  Strangford,  observed,  "  0,  nothing  is  more  natural  for  a 
literary  lady  than  to  double  down  a  page." 

"  T  would  rather,"  replied  his  lordship,  {£  advise  Lady  Caroline 
Lo  turn  over  a  new  leaf." 

A  BOY'S  AT-TACK. — "  Father,  do  ships  make  nails  ?"  "  No.  my 
son  ;  why  do  you  ask  ?"  "  Because  I  heard  our  captain  say  that 
the  ship  had  made  two  tacks  within  the  last  half  hfrn ." 


MRS.     PARTINGTON'S 


STOP  HER  !  STOP  HER  ! — <;  Halloo,  Mr.  Engineman  !  can't  you 
stop  your  steamboat  a  minute  or  two  ?"  "  Stop  the  boat  !  What 
for  ?"  "  Wife  wants  to  look  at  your  biler ;  she's  afraid  of  its 
bustin'." 

COULD'NT  BE  ANYTHING  ELSE. — The  mother  of  a  large  family, 
was  one  day  asked  the  number  of  her  children.  "  La,  me,"  she 
replied,  rocking  to  and  fro,  "  I've  got  fourteen,  mostly  boys  and 
girls!" 

A  DESTRUCTIVE  INDIVIDUAL. — The  following  toast  was  lately 
given  :  "  D — n  your  canals,  blast  your  furnaces,  sink  your  coal  pits, 
down  with  your  railroads,  away  with  your  electric  telegraphs,  and 
over  with  your  suspension  bridges." 

BEHIND  AND  BEFORE. — Those  who  are  much  bej  «•«,  are  gu'lty 


of  a  great  waste  —  of  time;  and  itoeo  vho  a*c 
make  it  up  by  a  bustle. 


should 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


41 


"  A    SQUALLY   NJdFTr. 

IMPROVED  COOKERY. — Catch  a  young  gentleman  and  lady,  the 
best  way  you  can  ;  let  the  gentleman  be  raw,  and  the  young  lady 
put  in  a  good  quantity  of  wine,  and  while  he  is1  soaking,  stick  in  a 

word  or  two  now  and  then  about   Miss  ;  this  will  help  to 

make  him  boil.     When  getting  red  in  the  gills,  take  him  out  into 

the  drawing-room,  set  h'm  by  the  lady,  and  sop  them  both  with 

green  tea ;  and  then  seat  them  both  at  the  piano,  and  blow  the 

flame  till  the  lady  sings ;  when  you  hear  the  gentleman  sigh,  it  is 

time  to  take  them  off.  as  they  are  warm  enough.     Put  them  by 

themselves  in  a  corner  of  the  room  or  on  a  sofa,  and  there  let  them 

1  simper  together  the  rest  of  the  evening.     Repeat  this  three  or  four 

I  times,  taking  care  to  place  them  side  by  side  at  the  dinner  table. 


42 


MRS.     PARTINQTON    S 


and  ihey  will  be  ready  for  marriage  whenever  you  want  them. 
After  marriage,  care  musv  be  taken,  as  they  are  apt  to  turn  sour. 

SORRY  FOR  THE  GAL. — "  Come  here,  my  dear  •  I  want  you  to 
tell  me  all  about  your  sister.  Now  tell  me  truly,  has  she  got  a 
beau  ?;  "  No,  it's  the  jaundice  she's  got — the  doctor  says  so." 

AN  IRISH  MISTAKE. — "  As  I  was  going,"  said  an  Irishman, 
"  over  a  bridge  the  other  day,  I  met  Pat  Hewins  •"  says  I,  "How 
are  you?"  u  Pretty  well,  I  thank  you,  Dolley,"  says  he;  says  I. 
"  That's  not  my  name."  "  Faith  no  more  is  mine  Hewins,"  says 
he.  "  So  we  looked  at  each  other,  and  faith,  it  turned  out  to  be 
neither  of  us  !" 


A  WITTY  DIVINE. — Those  two  celebrated  divine*  and  scholars, 
Drs.  South  and  Sherlock,  were  once  disputing  on  some  religious 
subject,  when  the  latter  accused  his  opponent  of  using  his  wit  in 
the  controversy. 

<;  Well,"  said  South,  "  suppose  it  had  nleased  God  to  give  you 
wit,  what  would  you  have  done  ?" 

NOVEL  EXIT. — A  shrewd  and  lively  young  belle  was  introduced 
a  few  evenings  ago  to  a  bombastic  little  youth,  about  as  diminutive 
in  his  person  as  a  man  can  well  be.  After  conversing  with  her 
for  some  minutes  he  turned  to  leave  the  room,  when,  as  he  was  on 
the  point  of  opening  the  door,  the  young  lady  innocently  observed, 
'•  Pray  don't  trouble  yourself,  there  is  the  key-hole." 

How  ARE  YOUR  STEAKS. — A  wealthy  butcher  was  playing  the 
game  of  ecarte  a  few  evenings  since  at  the  mansion  of  a  city  alder- 
man when  a  lady,  who  was  betting  on  the  game,  leaned  over  the 
back  of  his  chair,  and  innocently  asked  a  friend  opposite,  "  How 

arc  stakes  now?"     Mr. .  wholly  absorbed  in  the  game,  quickly 

turned    with   the   reply,    "  Very   cheap ;    rump-steaks   are    now, 
madam,  but  ten-pence  a  pound." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


43 


ALABAMA  SENATORIAL  ELOQUENCE. — lC  Mr.  Speaker  :  Sir.  our 
fellow-citizen,  Mr.  Silas  Higgins,  who  was  lately  a  member  of  this 
branch  of  the  legislature,  is  dead,  and  he  died  yesterday  in  the 
forenoon.  He  had  the  brown -creators  (bronchitis),  and  was  an 
uncommon  individual.  His  character  was  good  up  to  the  time  of 
his  death,  and  he  never  lost  his  voice.  He  was  fifty-six  years  old, 
and  was  taken  sick  before  he  died  at  his  boarding-house,  where 
board  can  be  had  at  a  dollar  and  seventy-five  cents  a  week, 
washing  and  lights  included.  He  was  an  ingenious  creator,  and 
in  the  early  part  of  his  life  had  a  farther  and  mother.  His  uncle, 
Timothy  Higgiris,  served  under  General  Washington,  who  was 
buried  ^v^^  after  his  death,  with  military  honors,  and  several  guns  j 


44 


MRS.     PARTINGTON'S 


were  burst  in  firing  salutes.     Sir,   Mr.   Speaker — General  Wash-  t 

i  ington  would  have  voted  for  the  tariff  of  1846  if  he  had  been  alive 

and  hadn't  a'died  sometime  before  hand.     Now,  Mr.  Speaker,  such 

being  the  character  of  General  Washington,  I  motion  that  we  wear 

crape  around  the  arm  of  the  legislature,  and  adjourn  till  to-morrow 

I  morning,  as  an  emblem  of  our  respects  for  the  memory  of  S.  Higgins, 


who  is  dead, 
forenoon." 


and   died  of  the   browncreaters  yesterday  in  the 


SCENE  IN  A  COUNTRY  COURT. — A  friend  of  ours  was  called  to 
give  evidence  in  a  court  held  by  a  justice  of  the  peace  in  an  ad- 
joining county.     Accustomed  to  the  staid  propriety  of  the  higher 
courts,  our  rea  ers  can  judge  of  his  astonishment  at  hearing  one  of 
j  the  lawyers  t    k  to  the  justice  after  this  fashion : — "  May  it  please 
\  your  honor,  !    iid  not  intend  to  become  excited  in  this  cause,  but 
(  you  are  so  infernal  stupid  that  all  efforts  to  control  my  temper  are 
unavailing." 

QUAINT  DIALOGUE  IN  THE  BACKWOODS. — A  passing  traveller  met 
with  a  settler,  near  a  house,  and  inquired,  "Whose  house?" 
"Moggs."  "Of  what  built?"  "Logs."  "Any  neighbors?" 
"Frogs."  "What's  the  soil?"  "Bogs."  "The  climate?" 

I  "  Fogs."     "  Your  diet  ?"     "  Hogs."     "  How  do  you  catch  them  ?"  \ 

\  "  Dogs." 


TAKING  HIM  AT  His  WORD. — An  advocate,   blind  of  an  eye, 
pleading  one  day  with  his  spectacles  on,  said,  "  Gentlemen,  I  shall  j 
use  nothing  but  what  is  necessary."     "Then,"  said  Minguay, 
"  take  out  one  of  the  glasses  of  your  spectacles." 

A  CANNIBAL. — A  ship  was  recently  lying  in  the  harbor  of  New 
Orleans,  when  an  Irish  emigrant  one  day  came  aboard,  and  thus 
addressed  the  cook,  who  was  also  Irish — "Are  you  the  mate?'' 
"  No  !"  said  he ;  "  but  I'm  the  man  as  boils  the  mate  !" 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


45 


HE  QUAKER'S  ANSWER. — 
"  Martha,  does  thee  love  j 
me?"  asked  a  quaker 
youth  of  one  at  whose 
shrine  his  heart's  holiest 
feelings  had  been  offered 
up. 

"  Way,  Seth,"  answered 
she,  "  we  are  commanded 
to  love  one  another,  are 
we  not?" 
"  Ay,  Martha  j  but  does  thee  regard  me  with  that  feeling  the 

world  calls  love  ?» 

"  I  hardly  know  what  to  tell  thee,  Seth.     I  have  greatly  feared 

that  my  heart  was  an  erring  one  j  I  have  tried  to  bestow  my  love 

on  all :  but  I  may  have  sometimes  thought,  perhaps,  that  thee  wan 

getting  rather  more  than  thy  share." 


FRESH  GREENS. — A  domestic,  newly  engaged,  presented  to  his 
master,  one  morning,  a  pair  of  boots,  the  leg  of  one  of  which  was 
much  longer  than  the  other.  "  How  comes  it,  you  rascal,  that 
these  boots  are  not  of  the  same  length?"  "I  really  don't  know, 
sir — but  what  bothers  me  the  most  is,  that  the  pair  down  stairs  are 
in  the  same  fix." 

WHAT  A  WESTERN  EDITOR  WANTS. — Wanted  at  this  office,  a 
bull-dog,  of  any  color  except  pumpkin-and-milk ;  of  respectable 
size,  snub  nose,  cropped  ears,  abbreviated  continuation,  and  bad 
disposition — who  can  come  when  called  with  a  raw  beefsteak,  and 
will  bite  the  man  who  spits  tcbacco  juice  on  the  stove,  and  steal* 
the  exchanges. 


46  MRS. 

TOOTH-PULLING  ILLUSTRATED. — Before  the  days  of  chloroform  (< 
(there  was  a  quack  who  advertised  tooth-drawing  without  pain. I 
|  The  patient  was  placed  in  a  chair,  and  the  instrament  applied  to  j 
his  tooth  with  a  wrench,  followed  by  a  roar  from  the  unpleasantly  ( 
surprised  sufferer.     "  Stop,"  cried  the  dentist,  "  compose  yourself.  } 
I  told  you  I  would  give  you  no  pain,  but  I  only  just  gave  you  that  j 
twinge  as  a  specimen  to  show  you  Cartwright's  method  of  opera- 1 
ting."     Again  the  instrument  was  applied,  another  tug,  another  j 
roar.     "  Now  don't  be  impatient,  that  is  Duraerge's  way ;  be  seated 
and  calm,  you  will  now  be  sensible  of  the  superiority^  my  method." 
Another  application,  another  tug,  another  roar.     "  Now  pray  be 
quiet,  that  is  Parkinson's  mode,  and  you  don't  like  it,  and  no  won- 
der."    By  this  time  the  tooth  hung  by  a  thread  j  and  whipping  it 
out,  the  operator  exultingly  exclaimed,  "  That  is  my  mode  of  tooth- 
drawing  without  pain,  and  you  are  now  enabled  to  compare  it 
with  the  operations  of  Cartwright.  Dumerge,  and  Parkinson." 

A  JOKE  ABOUT  THE  SHAKERS. — We  heard  a  good  story  the 
other  night  of  two  persons  engaged  in  a  duel.  After  the  first  fire, 
one  of  the  seconds  proposed  that  they  should  shake  hands  and  make 
up.  The  other  second  said  he  saw  no  particular  necessity  for 
that,  for  their  hands  had  been  shaking  ever  since  they  began  ! 

No  PEDLARS  IN  HEAVEN. — A  Pedlar  calling  on  an  old  lady  to 
dispose  of  some  goods,  inquired  of  her  if  she  could  tell  him  of  any 
road  that  no  pedlar  had  ever  travelled  ?  "  Yes,"  said  she,  "  I 
know  of  one,  and  only  one,  wThich  no  pedler  has  erer  travelled, 
(the  pe  ler's  countenance  brightened),  and  that's  the  road  to 
heaven.'' 

A  PHILOSOPHER. — A  young  man  who  has  recently  taken  a  wife, 
says  he  did  not  find  it  half  so  hard  to  get  married  as  he  did  to  get 
the  furniture. 


CARPET-BAG      OF     FUN. 


47 


'FAST    GALS. 


Sarah  Jane.  "  OH,  TOU  ORRID  DREADFUL  STORY-TELLER,  I  DIDN'T." 
Matilda.  "  You  DID  NOW,  FOR  I  SEE  HIM,  I  SEE  HIM  KISS  YER,  AND  HERE 

I'VK  BEEN  ENGAGED  TO  TOMMY     PRICE  FOR    YEARS,    AND  NEVER  SO  MUCH  AS 
WALKED  ARM-IN-ARM  WITH  HIM  1" 

THE  POOR  FELLOW. — A  young  lady,  at  an  examination  in 
grammar,  was  asked  why  the  noun  "  bachelor"  was  singular  ? 
She  replied  immediately,  with  much  naivette,  "  Because  it  is  very 
singular  they  don't  get  married." 


SLOW. — A  wag  in  Detroit  has  been  taking  liberties  with  tho 
reputation  of  the  Pontiac  Railroad.  He  was  asked  whether  he 
knew  of  an  accident  on  that  road,  and  replied  : — "  Never-— but 
once  a  middle  aged  gentleman  left  Pontiac  for  Detroit,  and  died  of 
old  age  at  Birmingham — half  way  !" 


MRS.     PARTINaTON     S 


A  CURE  FOR  DYSPEPSIA. — A  poor  fellow  who  took  the  overland 
route  to  California,  writes  back  that  he  was  so  hard  run  in  May 
last,  that  he  had  to  boil  his  cotton  umbrella  for  greens — for  a 
knuckle  of  ham,  he  had  to  use  his  old  shoe. 

BOARD  AND  LODGING  GRATIS. — Two  sailors  were  sitting  on  the 
gunwale  of  their  ship  drinking  grog.  "  This  is  meat  and  drink," 
said  Jack,  and  fell  overboard  as  he  was  speaking.  "  And  now  you 
have  got  washing  and  lodging,"  coolly  remarked  Tom. 

A  WHOLE  HOG  STORY. — "  Tis  Grease  !  But  living  grease  no 
more  !"  The  Buffalo  Courier  gives  an  amusing  account  of  a  gen- 
tleman who  mounted  a  barrel  of  lard  to  hear  and  see,  on  the  arri- 
val of  the  Mayflower  with  the  President  and  suite.  Just  as  he 
was  listening  with  great  unction  to  the  speeches,  the  barrel  head 
gave  way,  and  he  slid  easily  and  noiselessly  up  to  his  "  third  but-  j 
ton"  in  the  great  staple  of  Ohio,  exclaiming,  "  La-a-r-d  have,  mercy  ) 


A  SAILOR  WITH  TOO  MUCH  BALLAST  ON  HAND. — A  farmer 
hired  a  sailor  to  dig  a  batch  of  potatoes  upon  condition  of  being 
allowed  a  bottle  of  whiskey  to  begin  with.  In  about  an  hour  the 
farmer  went  to  see  how  the  son  of  Neptune  had  progressed  with 
his  business  of  farming,  when  he  found  him  holding  to  a  stump, 
the  bottle  lying  empty  at  his  feet,  and  no  potatoes  dug.  "  Hallo.  5 
you  rascal,"  said  he,  "is  this  the  way  you  dig  potatoes?"  "  If 
you  want  your  potatoes  dug,"  said  the  sailor,  hiccoughing,  u  bring 
'em  on,  for  I'm  not  going  to  run  all  round  the  lot  after  'em." 

LOST  HER  SUIT. — A  lady,  with  a  sigh,  exclaimed — "  Well,  I 
have  lost  my  lawsuit  !     "  Oh.  mamma,  how  glad  I  am,"  said  her  j 
child,  "  that  you  have  lost  it — for  it  tormented  you  awfully  !" 


OARPET-BAG     OF      FUN.  49 


GENERAL   ALARM. 

PITHY  DIALOGUE. — [A  schoolmaster  (somewhere  west  of  course) ' 
was  brought  before  a  magistrate  for  severely  beating  one  of  his } 
scholars.] 

Magistrate — How  old  are  you  ? 

Schoolmaster — Me  ?  I  am  about  35. 

Mag. — Married  man  ? 

8.  M.— Yes,  sir. 

Mag. — How  long  ? 

S.  M. — Two  years. 

Mag.— Pay  well  ? 

S.  M.— Not  very. 

Mag. — How  many  children  have  you  ? 

S.  M.— Ten. 

Mag. — What  !  ten  ?     How  is  that  possible  ? 

S.  M- — I  have  an  assistant. 

Mag. — You  must  give  bail  in  this  case,  the  Court  requires  it. 

OH  COME  ! — "  Captain  H.,  how  do  you  spell  oakum?  Mr.  V» . 
here,  the  ship  carpenter,  has  given  it  a  new  touch." 

"Why,  o-a-k  oak,  h-u-m,  hum,  oakhum,  of  coiirse,"  replied  the 
captain. 

"  That's  all  hum,  captain,  but  he's  rather  worse  than  you — he's 
written  it  in  one  place  in  his  bill  o-k-u-m-b,  and  in  another  o-c-u-m !" 


50  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


NECK  OR  NOTHING. — An  old  gentleman,  who  has  a  peculiar 
relish  now  and  then  for  a  glass  of  the  ardent,  not  long  since,  after 
taking  a  horn  of  good  Santa  Cruz,  thus  expressed  himself: — "  [ 
vow,  I  wish  my  neck  was  as  long  as  the  Androscoggin  River,  and  < 
twice  as  crooked  !" 

BROKE  THE  PLEDGE. — A  man  in  Orange  County  was  found  one 
night,  climbing  an  overshot  wheel  in  a  fulling  mill.     He  was  asked  j 
what  he  was  doing.     He  said  he  was  trying  to  get  up  to  oed,  but  j 
somehow  or  other  the  stairs  wouldn't  hold  still. 

MRS.  PARTINGTON  ON  GAMBLING. — "  Isaac,"  said  Mrs.  Parting-  j 
ton,  as  that  interesting  juvenile  was  playing  a  game  of  "  knuckle  j 
up"  against  the  kitchen  wall,  to  the  imminent  danger  of  the  old 
clock  which  ticked  near  by,  "  this  is  a  marvelous  age,  as  Deacon 
Babson  says,  and  perhaps  there's  no  harm  in  'em,  but  I'm  afeard 
no  good  '11  come  out  of  it — no  good  at  all — for  you  to  keep  playing 
marvels  all  the  time,  as  you  do.  I  am  afeard  you  will  learn  how 
to  gambol,  and  become  a  bad  boy,  ard  forget  all  the  good  device  I 
have  given  you.  Ah,  it  would  break  my  heart,  Isaac,  to  have  you 
given  to  naughty  tricks,  like  some  wicked  boys  that  I  know,  who 
will  be  rakeshames  in  the  airth  if  they  don't  die  before  their  time 
comes.  So  don't  gambol.  dearr  and  always  play  as  if  you  had  just 
as  lieves  the  minister  would  see  you  as  not."  She  handed  him  a 
little  bag  she  had  made  for  him  to  keep  his  marbles  in,  and  patted 
his  head  kindly  as  he  went  again  to  play.  Ike  was  fortified,  for 
the  next  five  minutes,  against  temptation  to  do  evil ;  but 
"  Chase  span,  in  the  ring, 

Knuckle  up,  or  any  thing," 

are  potent  when  arrayed  against  out-of-sight  solicitude,  and  wo 
feer  tti&t  the  boy  forgot.     There  is  much  reason  in  the  old  lady's  j 
fear. 


CARPET-tAGOFFUN.  51 


GENTLEMEN 'OF   THE 


THE  DUTCHMAN'S  HORSE. — "Hans,  where  is  the  horse?" 
"  He  broke  de  staple  door  into,  kicked  te  traces  open,  and  run 
round  te  lamp  posht  mit  te  corner  grocery,  like  der  divel." 

HORRIBLE  ACCIDENT. — "  Father,"  said  a  roguish  boy,  "  I  hope 
you  won't  buy  any  more  gunpowder  tea  for  mother." 
-;  Why  not?" 
"  Because,  every  time  she  drinks  it  she  blows  us  up  !" 

AN  UNANSWERABLE  ARGUMENT. — "  Come,  come,  come,''  said 
one  who  was  wide  awake,  to  one  who  was  fast  asleep,  "  get  up, 
get  up  ]  don't  you  know  'tis  the  early  bird  that  catches  the  worm  !" 
"Serves  the  worm  right,"  said  the  grumbling  sleeper;  "worms 
shouldn't  get  up  before  the  birds  do !" 


A  FAIR  JOKE. — A  chap  from  the  country,  who  visited  this  city 
"  to  see  the  Fourth  of  July,"  entered  one  of  our  hotels  and  sat 
down  to  dinner.  Upon  the  bill  of  fare  being  handed  to  him  by  tho 
waiter,  he  remarked  that  "  he  didn't  care  'bout  readin'  now;  he'd 
wait  till  after  dinner." 


MRS.     PARTINGTON8 


A   SMART    BOY. 

Fond  Mother.  u  WHY,  HE  DOESN'T  WRITE  VERY  WELL  YET,  BUT  HE  GETS 

OK   NICELY   WITH    HIS   SPELLING.      COME,  ALEXANDER,  WHAT  DOES  D.  0.  GK 
SPELL  ?" 

Infant  Prodigy  (with  extraordinary  quickness.)  "  CAT  1" 


No  Loss. — A  gentleman  was  condoling  with  a  lady  on  the  loss 
of  her  husband,  but  finding  that  she  treated  it  with  indifference, 
suddenly  exclaimed  : — "  Oh,  very  well,  madam,  if  that  be  the  way 
you  take  it;  I  care  just  as  little  about  it  as  you." 

'CAUSE  HE  COULDN'T. — "  I  wonder  this  child  don't  go  to  sleep/' 
said  an  anxious  mother  to  a  female  friend.  "Well,  I  don't," 
replied  the  lady.  "  Its  face  is  so  dirty  that  it  can't  shut  its  eyes."  j 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN".  5S 


"  By  those  cheeks  of  lovely  hue ; 
By  those  eyes  of  deepest  blue, 
Which  thy  very  soul  looks  through, 
As  if,  forsooth,  those  clear  blue  eyes 
Were  portals  into  paradise  ; 
By  that  alabaster  brow ; 
By  that  hand  as  white  as  snow ; 
By  that  proud,  angelic  form  ; 
By  t"hat  rounded  classic  arm  ; 
By  those  locks  of  raven  hair ; 
By  those  vermil  lips,  I  swear  j 
By  the  ocean,  by  the  air  ; 
By  the  ligtning  and  the  thunder; 
By  all  things  on  earth  or  under ; 
By  the  'lectric  telegraph  ; 
By  my  future  l  better  half;7 
By  our  vespers,  by  our  dreams; 
By  our  matins  and  Te  Deums  ; 
By  young  Cupid,  by  my  Muse  ; 
By — whatever  else  you  choose  ; 
Yes.  I  swear  by  all  creation, 
And  this  endless  l  Yankee  Nation,' 
That — I — love — you — like — tar-na-tion  !" 

[Whistles  and  styps.] 


FOl  LOWING    SUIT. 


54 


MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


HAT  AN  IDEA. — "  What  d'ye  think  the 
chaps  ashore  call  a  hat  ?"  said  a  jolly 
Jack  tar,  whose  vessel  was  lying  in 
the  harbor  of  Valparaiso,  to  a  ship- 
mate enjoying  a  pipe  by  his  side.  "  I 
don't  know,"  replied  his  messmate, 
'•'  some  outlandish  name  or  other  I 
suppose."  "  Why,  they  calls  it  a 
sombrero"  said  Jack.  "  The  cussed 
fools,"  said  the  other,  "why  can't 
they  just  as  easy  say  hat  at  once." 


A  GAL'S  WASTE. — A  school  boy  "down  east,"  who  was  noted 
among  his  play-fellows  for  his  frolics  with  the  girls,  was  reading 
aloud  in  the  Old  Testament,  when,  coming  to  the  phrase,  "  making 
waste  places  glad,"  he  was  asked  by  the  pedagogue  what  it  meant. 
The  youngster  paused — scratched  his  head — but  could  give  no 
answer,  when  up  jumped  a  more  precocious  urchin,  and  cried  out  : 

"  I  know  what  it  means,  master.  It  means  hugging  the  gals  ; 
for  Tom  Ross  is  allers  huggin'  'em  around  the  waist}  and  it  makes 
'em  as  glad  as  can  be." 

A  PUBLIC  TOOTH-BRUSH. — As  the  steamer  Connecticut  was 
passing  Blackwell's  Island,  on  her  way  from  Norwich  to  New 
York,  a  gentleman  might  have  been  seen  performing  his  ablutions 
in  one  of  the  marble  basins  in  the  wash-room  in  the  forward  part 
of  the  boat.  While  he  was  in  the  midst  of  his  task,  a  tall  and 
verdant  specimen  of  the  incipient  Yankee  traveller  entered  the 
apartment,  and,  after  staring  about  a  few  moments  to  assure 
himself,  commenced  a  conversation  with  his  fellow  passenger — 
"  I  sa-ay  yeou — kin  anybody  wash  himself  in  this  here  cooky  ?" 
"  You  have  a  perfect  right  to  avail  yourself  of  the  accommoda- 
tions of  the  boat.  You  can  help  yourself  to  the  water." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUK.  55 

"  Yaas  ;  but  this  here  pumpkin-shell  has  got  a  hole  in  the  bot 
torn,  and  the  darned  fasset's  knocked  all  askew.  I  swow,  yeou,  is 
that  brass  cock  made  of  solid  silver  ?  I  swanny,  this  wash-hand 
dish  looks  jest  like  marble  !" 

The  gentleman  quietly  placed  the  stopper  in  the  right  place,  and 
"  turned  on"  the  water  for  our  hero,  who  soon  c:made  himself  at 
j  home"  pretty  generally.  The  former,  however,  in  a  short  time 
\  missed  his  tooth-brush,  and  on  looking  around,  was  astonished  to 
|  perceive  the  Yankee  applying  it  vigorously  to  his  tobacco-stained 
j  ivory. 

"  My  dear  friend,  you  made  a  great  mistake  in  using  my  tooth- 
|  brush,"  said  the  gentleman. 

"  Your  what  ? — your  brush  ?    You  don't  mean  to  say  that  this 
|  here's  your  tooth-brush  ?" 

\      "  I  do,  sir ;  but  it  is  of  no  consequence  now.     You  are  welcome 
\  to  the  brush." 

The  Yankee  looked  puzzled  at  first,  as  if  he  suspected  a  trick, 
but  at  length  he  exclaimed  : — 

"  Here,  yeou,  take  your  confounded  thing-umbob  !  But  I  should 
like  to  know  what  in  thunder  has  become  of  the  tooth-brush  that 
belongs  to  the  boat !" 

THE  BEST  WAY. — Some  years  ago,  a  medical  student,  who  had 
paid  more  attention  to  billiards  than  anatomy,  was  brought  before 
a  Professor  for  examination,  when  the  following  questions  and 
reply  were  passed  : 

"  What  would  you  do  first,  in  the  case  of  a  man  who  was  blown 
up  by  gunpowder  ?" 

"  I  should  wait  until  he  came  down." 

A  SMALL  JOKE. — When  is  cotton  not  cotton  ?  Wh^n  it's 
down  . 


MRS.     PABTINOTON    8 


MORE    "  BITES*  THAN   FISH. 


PADDY    ON    BUGS. 

Muskathers,  the  erathers,  bangs  all  human  natrrr, 

They  blow  on  their  trumpits,  and  fades  where  they  plase ; 

And  the  bugs,  be  the  blazis,  the  run  quather  raeez, 

And  dances  kodrills  on  me  legs  wid  the  flase. 

Thim  bugs  has  a  savior,  of  mighty  high  Savior, 

They're  the  size  or  me  hand,  and  they  eome  in  big  throops ; 

The  English  they  raise  'em,  and  hoighly  they  praise  'era, 

For  illegant  attire  made  in  turtle  s'oups. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


57 


"TIS   FALSE,"   AS   THE    GIRL   SAID   WHEN   HEE    BEAU    TOLD    HEK   SHE    HAD 
BEAUTIFUL   HAIR. 


ELOQUENT  APPEAL. — A  number  of  years  ago,  a  young  lawyer 
was  employed  to  defend  a  culprit  who  was  arraigned  upon  a  charge 
of  stealing  a  pig.  The  case  was  not  one  calculated  to  call  forth  a 
great  display  of  eloquence,  but  as  it  was  his  first  case,  and  he  was 
panting  for  distinction,  the  young  advocate  resolved  to  give  the 
Court  and  jury  an  earnest  of  his  future  efforts,  and  convince  them 
that  he  "was  bound  to  shine."  Accordingly  he  proceeded  to 
deliver  the  following  brilliant  exordium.  "  May  it  please  the 
Court,  and  gentlemen  of  the  jury — while  Europe  is  bathed  in  blood 
— while  classic  Greece  is  struggling  for  her  rights  and  liberties  and 
trampling  the  unhallowed  altars  of  the  bearded  infidel  to  dust — 


58  MRS. 

while  the  chosen  few  of  degenerate  Iberia  are  waving  their  bur- 
nished swords  in  the  sunlight  of  liberty — while  America  shines 
forth,  the  brightest  orb  in  the  political  sky,  I,  with  due  diffidence, 
rise  to  defend  the  cause  of  this  humble  hog-thief" 

PUNCHING  His  WIFE. — "  How  can  you.  my  dear,  prefer  punch 
to  wine  ?" — "  Because,  my  dear,  'tis  so  like  matrimony  :  such  a 
charming  compound  of  opposite  qualities." — u  Aye,  my  lord,  I  am 
the  weak  part,  I  suppose  ?" — "  No,  my  love,  you  are  the  sweet  with 
a  dash  of  the  acid,  and  no  small  portion  of  the  spirit" 

NATURE  AND  ART. — "  Ah,  Eliza,"  cried  a  puritan  preacher  to 
a  young  lady  who  had  just  been  making  her  hair  into  beautiful 
ringlets  j  "  Ah,  Eliza,  had  God  intended  your  locks  to  be  curled, 
he  would  have  curled  them  for  you."  "  When  I  was  an  infant," 
replied  the  damsel  "so  he  did,  but  now  I  am  grown  up,  he  thinks 
I  am  able  to  do  it  myself." 


MELANCHOLY    CASE   OF   SUICIDE. 

On  a  log  sat  a  frog, 
Crying  for  his  daughter ; 

J  Tears  he  shed  till  his  eyes  were  red 

And  then  jumped  into  the  water — 

And  drowned  himself. 


CITIZENS    IN    TEE    STATE    OF    MANE, 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN 


59 


PERIPATETIC  PHILOSOPHY. — In  walking  the  streets,  the  man  who 
thinks  of  the  fuUvre  looks  upward,  the  man  who  thinks  of  the  past 
looks  downward  If  he  look  straight  before  him,  he  is  occupied 
|  with  the  present }  if  he  look  right  and  left,  he  thinks,  good  man, 
of  nothing.  If  he  cast  frequent  looks  behind  him,  lay  it  down 
as  an  infallibk  axiom  that  he  is  thinking  then  of  his  creditors. 


MRS.  PARTSNGTON'S  IDEAS  ON  LOVE. — Don't  put  too  much  con- 
fidence in  a  lover's  vows  and  sighs,57  says  Mrs.  Partington  to  her 
niece ;  "  let  him  tell  you  that  you  have  lips  like  strawberries  and  I 
]  cream,  and  checks  like  a  tarnation,  and  eye  like  an  asterisk,  but  ] 
J  such  things  oftener  come  from  a  tender  head  than  a  tender  heart." 

FIRE  UP  ! — The  following  orders  are  said  to  have  been  given  by 
'  the  captain  of  a  western  steamboat  when  he  was  about  to  engage 
|  in  a  race  "with  another  boat : 

"  Rosin  up  thar,  and  tell  the  engineer  to  shut  down  the  safety 
valves.  Give  her  goss.  Gentlemen  who  haven't  stepped  up  to 
the  captain's  office  and  settled,  will  please  retire  to  the  ladies' 
cabin  Ull  we  pa?s  that  boat  or  bust.  Fire  up  !" 


CO  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


A  LEGAL  DISTINCTION. — Two  prominent  adyocates  in  the  eastern 
section,  within  fifty  miles  of  Bangor,  were  once  engaged  in  a  case 
in  court  on  opposite  sides.  Their  feelings  were  very  much  enlisted 
in  their  client's  favor.  One  of  tLem,  in  the  course  of  his  remarks, 
made  an  assertion  which  very  much  excited  the  other,  who,  there- 
upon, sprang  upon  his  feet  and  exclaimed,  "  Brother  C.,  do  you 
say  it  as  a  lawyer  or  as  a  man  ?  If  you  say  it  as  a  lawyer,  it  is 

very  well,  but  if  you  say  it  as  a  man,  you  lie  !" 

(  

|      A  PUBLIC  EXAMINATION.  —  Teacher.    "  John  Smith,    where  is 
Africa  ?" 

John  Smith.  "  Somewhere  east  of  New  York." 

Teacher.  "  I  want  something  more  positive ;  I  want  its  location 
with  respect  to  the  other  parts  of  the  globe.  Next." 

William  Jones.  "It  is  surrounded  by  the  Mediterranean  Sea, 
Atlantic  Ocean,  and  the  Indian  Ocean." 

Teacher.  "  Very  well;  but  now  since  you  are  talking  of  oceans, 
Thomas  Stokes,  just  tell  me  what  an  ocean  is?" 

Thomas  Stokes.  "  An  Oh-shun  is  a  man  that  owes  a  great  many 
j  debts,  and  shun  is  his  by- word  ;  he  is  moreover  very  careful  to  get 
:  out  of  the  way  of  his  creditors." 

Teacher.  "  I  always  thought  you  were  a  lazy  lubber ;    please 

|  step  this  way,  and  I  will  pay  you  off  in  the  very  presence  of  this 

company ;  I  will  not  have  my  school  dishonored  by  any  such  lazy 

scamps  as  you  are."     After  paying  off  this  poor  fellow  for  his 

mistake,  the  teacher  bawled  out  for  the  spelling  class. 

Teacher.  "  First  boy,  spell  Population  ?" 

Billy  Bells.  "  P-o-p,  Pop— Pop—Pop." 

Teacher.  "  What,  df  you  not  know  that  your  father  is  not  here 
to  help  you  ?  and  if  he  was  I  would  expose  him  before  the  whole 
of  our  village  for  undertaking  to  make  his  son  appear  well  at  the 
examination." 

At  this  stage  of  the  examination  I  left. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FXJN. 


61 


A  MORNING'S  EXPERIENCE  IN  A  WATER-CURE  ESTABLISHMENT. 


WHEN  YOU  GET  UP  IN  THE  MORNING  YOU  GET  A  COOL  RECEPTION. 


BEFORE  BREAKFAST.          AFTER  BREAKFAST. 


IKE  PARTINGTON  A  FULL  BAND. — "  Don't  make  such  a  noise, 
Isaac,"  said  Mrs.  Partington,  as  Ike  sat  playing  on  a  jewsharp  and 
kicking  the  time  out  upon  a  sheet  iron  fireboard  with  one  foot,  and 
slamming  to  the  oven  door  of  the  stove  with  the  other.  He  was 
somewhat  noisy.  "Don't  make  such  a  noise,  Isaac;  my  head 
aches  as  if  my  skull  was  infracted  :  I  shall  have  a  suggestion  of 
the  brain  if  you  don't  be  still."  But  Ike  played  on,  and  the  sheet  / 
iron  fireboard,  like  a  Chinese  gong,  reverberated  through  the  house. 
He  was  rehearsing  a  new  overture  to  a  thunder  storm  about  to  be 
prDduced  by  a  juvenile  theatre  of  which  he  was  manager.  The 


62  MRS. 

old  lady  stopped  her  ears   and  continued,  "  I  shouldn't  wonder  if 
he  took  to  music,  and  then  I  don't  know  what  I  shall  do  with  him. 
Musicianers   are   such   people,    so  jealous    and   crustaceous   and 
pestilent  and  always  unhappy.     I  see  by  the  papers,  too,  that  they 
have  got  a  Meddlesome   Club,   as  if  they  were  not  meddlesome; 
enough  before."     Mendelssohn,   kind  old  lady  !     "  Isaac,  do  stop  j 
that  noise,  or  I  shall  go  raven  distracted."    Isaac  ceased  suddenly, 
the  thunder  storm  cleared  up,   the  gong  became  silent,  the  oven 
door  remained  mute  on  its  hinges,  and  stillness  reigned.     Ike  had 
broken  his  jewsharp. 

HARDLY  POSSIBLE. — "  When  I  was  a  child — a  very  young  one— 
I  osed  to  say  that  I  remembered  very  well  the  day  on  which  I  was 
born,  for  mother  was  down  stairs  frying  doughnuts  !" 

ROMANTIC,  VERY. — It  was  on  a  lovely  moonlit  eve,  in  "  golden 
robed  October,"  as  we  sat  by  our  open  window,  looking  out  upon 
the  cheering  prospect  before  us.  Lovely  dark-eyed  maidens  were 
continually  tripping  by,  and  ever  and  anon  a  sly,  *•  ilf-timid  glance, 
or  a  gentle  nod,  would  send  to  our  soul  the  flattering  unction  that 
we  were  not  yet  by  them  forgotten  ;  soft  notes  of  sweet  music  were 
borne  to  our  ears  on  the  gentle  evening  breeze  •  a  bottle  of  spark- 
ling champagne  and  a  box  of  cigars  were  temptingly  arrayed  on 
the  table  at  our  side ;  and  our  life  seemed  but  one  continuous 
j  flo\v  ing  stream  of  happiness,  pleasure,  and  delight.  But  hark! 
the  door  leading  to  our  apartment  is  softly  opened,  and  in  our 
presence  stands  a  mysterious  looking  stranger,  holding  in  his  right 
hand  a  carefully  folded,  but  much  worn  and  soiled,  slip  of  paper. 
He  advances  nearer  towards  us  j  we  tremble  from  head  to  foot;  ( 
we  feel  pale  as  death ;  and  now,  just  as  we  are  about  to  sink  back 
into  our  chair  in  a  state  of  complete  exhaustion,  our  fondly 
cherished  dreams  of  earthly  b]iss  are  spoiled,  by  having  rung  in  j 
our  ears  the  ominous  words — "  Can  you  make  it  convenient  to  settle  ' 
this  little  bill  to-day  ?" 


r 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


AQ      ' 


Mrs.  Partington  (log.)  "  BLESS  MY  HEART  !     How  SMALL  THEY  MAKE 

THE  EYES  OF  THE  NEEDLES  NOW-A-DAYS  TO  BE  SURE  !" 


DISAPPOINTED    AFFECTION. 

"  Ah,  must  we  part  ? — my  poor,  poor  heart 

Will  pine  in  mute  despair. 
Oh  !  ere  you  go,  to  cheer  my  woe. 
Leave  one  lock  of  thy  hair  !" 

Alfred  replied — li  It  cannot  be" — 

And  his  tears  came  rolling  big-  — 
"  I've  not  a  lock  to  spare  for  thee ; 
Dearest,  I  wear  a  wig  !;> 


64 


MBS.      PARTINGTONS 


O^ESAR    ASTONISHING    THE    NATIVES. 


Two  STORIES. — "  Did  yur  fall  hurt  you  ?"  said  one  hod-carrier 
to  aaother,  who  had  fallen  from  the  top  of  a  two-story  house. 

"  Not  in  the  laste,  honey  '}  'twas  the  stoppen'  so  quicK  that  hurt 
me/' 

NATURE.  —A  lady  hired  a  v»cstern  country  girl  for  a  family 
"  help,'-'  and  was  surprised  to  see  her  poke  her  head  into  the  parlor 
one  afternoon  when  visitors  were  present,  and  ask,  "  Marm,  did 
you  call  just  now  ?  I  thought  1  heard  a  yell !" 


WELL  SAID. — Once  upon  a  time,  on  a  Sunday  afternoon,  a  lad 
was  so  lazy  in  his  motions,  that  he  did  not  go  to  the  church  door 
till  the  congregation  were  coming  out,  and  he  said  to  the  first  man 
he  met : — 

"What!  is  it  all  done?" 

"  No,"  said  the  man,  u  it  is  all  said,  but  I'm  thinking  it  will  be 
a  long  time  before  it  will  be  all  done" 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  65 


LIFE  IN  ILLINOIS. — The  "  Suckers "  are  an  original  people,  and 
not  a  few  good  stories  have  their  own  origin,  rise  and  progress 
among  them.  A  gentleman  who  was  travelling  in  Illinois  some 
time  ago,  says  he  called  at  a  house  on  the  road  side  to  ask  for  a 
drink  of  water,  when  the  following  colloquy  took  place  between 
himself  and  a  boy  who  answered  his  summons  : 

Traveller.  "  Well,  my  boy,  how  long  ha,ye  you  lived  here  ?" 

Boy.  li  I  don't  know  sir  ;  but  my  mother  says  since  I  was  born." 

Tra.  "  Have  you  any  brothers  and  sisters  ?JJ 

Soy.  "Yes,  a  few." 

Tra.  "How  many?'7 

Boy.  "  Ten  or  eleven,  I  reckon." 

Tra.  "  Pretty  healthy  here,  isn't  it  ?" 

Boy.  "  Yes  ;  but  sometimes  we  have  a  little  ager." 

Tra.  "  Any  of  you  got  it  now  ?" 

Boy.  "  Yes,  a  few  on  us  goin'  to  have  the  shakes  this  afternoon." 

Tra.  li  How  many  ?" 

Boy.  "  Why,  all  on  us,  except  sister  Nance  •  and  she's  such  a 
darnation  cross  critter,  that  the  ager  won't  lite  on  her;  and  if  it 
did  she's  so  duced  contrary  she  wouldn't  shake,  no  how  you  could 
fix  it." 


i     APPARENT  FUN. — Whenever  a  wish  is  father  to  the  thought,  it 
j  will  be  a(p)parent. 


HATING  A  STAKE  IN  THE  COUNTRY." 


66 


MRS.     PARTINGTON     8 


STRANGE  CREATURE  •  OR, 
PAT'S  DISCOVERY. — A  gen- 
tleman travelling,  stopped 
to  see  a  friend,  and  left  his 
horse  tied  on  the  road.  On 
his  return,  he  found  the 
animal  had  slipped  his 
bridle.  While  in  pursuit 
of  him,  he  met  an  Irish 
pedestrian,  of  whom  he  in- 
quired, "  Have  you  seen  a  strange  creature  anywhere  hereabouts, 
with  a  saddle  on  ?"  "  Och,  by  the  powers,  you  may  well  say  that." 
"Where!"  "  Just  yonder."  "Will  you  show  me  the  place?" 
"  That  I  will,  in  less  than  no  time  at  all  almost,"  said  the  man, 
approaching  a  small  wood  of  young  timber.  "  Ah,  there  he  is,  sure 
enough,  honey  !"  The  gentleman  looked  up,  and  said,  "  I  do  net 
see  him."  "  Then,  by  Saint  Patrick,  you  must  be  blind — not  see 
him  !  Just  cast  your  two  good  looking  eyes  in  that  direction. 
Och,  by  the  powers  of  mud,  what's  he  about  now  ?  Only  see  how 
he  swallows  his  head!"  "Why,  sir,  that's  a  turtle,  and  not  a 
horse."  "  A  horse  !  and  who  the  deuce  said  it  was  a  horse  ?  Sure 
a  horse  is  not  a  strange  creature."  added  he,  pointing  to  the  turtle, 
"  and  he  has  a  saddle  on  j  but.  hang  me  if  I'd  bridle  him  for  the 
whole  kingdom  of  North  America  !" 


SAY  YES,  PUSSY. — A  gentleman,  not  long  since,  wishing  to  pop 
the  question,  did  it  in  the  following  singular  manner.     Taking  up 
j  the  lady's  cat,  he  said,  "  Pussy,  may  I  have  your  mistress  ?"     It 
!  was  answered  by  the  lady,  who  said,  "  Say  yes.  Pussy." 

SURE  TO  KEEP. — The  editor  of  a  newspaper  out  towards  Lake 
Champlain,  has  discovered  a  way  of  keeping  eggs  from  spoiling. 
His  method  is,  to  eat  them  i;hile  they  are  fresh  !  Bravo  ! 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  67 


"  OH,    MY    PROPHETIC    SOUL,    MY    UNCLE  !" 

Hamlet,  Act  1.,  Sc.  V. 

NOVEL  PRESCRIPTION. — They  tell  a  story  in  New  England  of  a 
man  of  property,  whose  health  happened  to  give  way  under  long- 
continued  intemperance,     He  consulted  Dr.  Spring,  of  Watertown,  ) 
who  said.   "  1   can  cure  you  if  you  will  do  as  I  bid  you."     His  \ 
patient  promised  obedience.     "  Now,"  says  the  doctor,  "  you  must 
steal  a  horse.     Yes — you  must  steal  a  horse.     You  will  be  arrest- 
ed, convicted,   and  placed  in   a   situation  where  your  diet  and 
regimen  will  be  such,  that  in  a  short  time  your  health  will  be  per- 
fectly restored." 

THE  SQUINT-EYED  BUTCHER. — One  day.  a  butcher  having  order- 
ed his  new  assistant  to  bring  the  victim  to  the  slaughter,  who,  not 
observing  that  his  superior  was  cross-eyed,  until  the  very  instant 
he  was  drawing  the  blow,  cried  out  in  an  exclamatory  voice,  "  Sir, 
do  you  mean  to  strike  where  you  look  ?"  "  Yes  !"  "  Well,  then, 
venerable  Nicholas  may  hold  the  ox,  I  won't." 


68 


MRS.     PARTINGTON     S 


"THERE  is  A  TIDE  IN  THE  AFFAIRS  OF  MEN." — One  of  the 
augumentative  hair-splitters  called  lately  on  the  respectable  and 
much  beloved  clergyman  of  the  floating  chapel,  and  asked  him 
seriously,  "  whether  his  was  to  be  considered  the  high  or  low 
church  ?"  The  answer  he  received  from  his  reverence  was — "  It 
depends  entirely  upon  the  tide  /" 

SHEEPISH. — An  agent,  soliciting  subscribers  for  a  book,  showed 
the  prospectus  to  a  man,  who  after  reading — "  One  dollar  in  boards, 
and  one  dollar  and  twenty-five  cents  in  sheep,"  declined  subscrib- 
ing, as  he  might  not  have  boards  or  sheep  on  hand,  when  called 
upon  for  payment. 

WON'T  BRING  INTEREST. — "  Wife,"  said  a  broker,  a  few  days 
since,  "  do  you  think  I  shall  ever  be  worth  fifty  thousand  dollars  ?" 

"  Aint  I  worth  that  to  you  ?"  said  the  confiding  spouse. 

"Y-e-s,"  hesitatingly  replied  the  other  half,  "but  I  can't  put 
you  out  at  interest." 


PAINFUL     SUSPENSE. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  69 


A  COMPARATIVE  BUSTER. — "Lizzie,"  said  a  little  curly-headed 
boy,  of  some  five  years,  "  isn't  Sam  Slick  a  buster  ?" 

"Why,  Charley?" 

"  Because,  the  grammar  says,  positive  buss,  comparative  buster  ; 
and  I  did  see  him  give  you  such  a  positive  buss."  Lizzy  swooned. 

A  FORGETTING  SUBJECT. — A  brave  officer,  who  had  been  wound- 
ed with  a  musket-ball  in  or  near  his  knee,  was  stretched  upon  the 
dissecting-table  of  a  surgeon,  who,  with  an  assistant,  began  to 
probe  and  cut  in  that  region  of  his  anatomy.  After  a  while,  the 
"subject"  said: — 

"  Don't  cut  me  up  in  that  style,  doctor  !  What  are  you  tortur- 
ing me  in  that  cruel  way  for  ?" 

"  We  are  looking  after  the  ball,"  replied  the  senior  operator. 

"  Why  didn't  you  say  so,  then,  before  ?"  asked  the  indignant 
patient  j  "  I've  got  the  ball  in  my  pocket !"  said  he,  putting  his 
hand  in  his  waistcoat,  and  taking  it  out.  "  I  took  it  out  myself," 
he  added  ;  "  didn't  I  mention  it  to  you  ?  I  meant  to !" 

A  CERTAIN  RECEIPE. — Hundreds  of  people  complain  of  being 
afflicted  with  bed-bugs.  The  following  will  be  valuable  to  travel- 
lers and  others.  It  is  simple  and  perfectly  safe,  and  is  approved 
by  a  western  philosopher : — On  going  to  bed,  strip  off  your  shirt, 
and  cover  yourself  from  head  to  foot  with  boiled  molasses.  Let 
every  part  of  the  body  be  covered  thickly  with  it.  On  coming  to 
bite  you,  the  bugs  will  stick  fast  to  the  molasses,  and  you  can  kill 
them  in  the  morning. 

A  MAINE-AC. — A  chap  stepped  into  a  store  down-east  where 

liquor  was  kept  for  "  medicinal  and  mechanical  purposes,"  and 

produced  a  large  bottle,  which  he  desired  to  have  filled.     Upon 

being  asked  for  what  purpose  he  wanted  it,  he  said  :  "  mechanical — 

|  he  was  going  to  make  an  ox-yoke  in  the  afternoon  !" 


70 


MRS.      PARTINGTON     8 


ASHORE   AND  AFLOAT. 


THE    CAPTAIN    BEFORE    STARTING,  ALL       THE    CAPTAIN    AT    SEA,    A    PERFECT 
MILDNESS  AND  AFFABILITY.  HEROD. 

How  TO  ENJOY  A  Kiss. — The  editor  of  the  Wilmington,  (Del) 
Herald,  who  appears  to  know  all  about  the  matter,  thus  discourses 
about  Kissing  : — Of  course  you  must  be  taller  than  the  lady  you 
intend  to  kiss.  Take  her  right  hand  in  yours,  and  draw  her 
gently  to  you.  Pass  your  left  arm  over  her  right  shoui-ler, 
diagonally  down  across  her  back,  under  her  left  arm,  and  press 
her  to  your  bosom. — At  the  same  time  she  will  throw  her  head 
back,  and  you  have  nothing  to  do  but  to  lean  a  little  forward 
and  press  your  lips  to  hers,  and  the  thing  is  done.  Don't  make 
a, noise  over  it,  as  if  you  were  firing  off  precussion  caps,  or  trying 
the  water-cocks  of  a  steam-engine,  nor  pounce  down  upon  it  like 
a  hungry  hawk  upon  an  innocent  dove,  but  gently  fold  the 
damsel  in  your  arms,  without  deranging  the  economy  of  her  tippet 
>  or  ruffle,  and  by  a  sweet  pressure  upon  her  mouth,  revel  in  the 
sweet  blisfulness  of  your  situation,  without  smacking  your  lipt>  on 
it  as  you  would  over  a  roast  duck. 

A  PUT-TY  STORY. — An  Alabama  paper  gives  an  account  of  the 
divorce  of  a  woman  from  her  husband,  a  Mr.  Put.  It  se-oms 
"  she  would  not  stay  Put ." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


71 


How  TO  FIND  ROOM  IN  AN  OMNIBUS. — Conductor.  "  Would  any 
gentleman  mind  going  outside,  to  oblige  a  lady '?" 

Unfortunate  Gentleman  (tightly  wedged  in  at  the  back). — a  I 
should  be  very  happy,  but  I  only  came,  yesterday,  out  of  the  ship 
fever  hospital,  at  Bellevue  !" 

(Omnibus  empty,  save  the  speaker.) 

POOR  FELLOW. — A  St.  Louis  paper  tells  us  a  story  of  a  discon- 
solate widower,  who,  on  seeing  the  remains  of  his  late  wife  lowered 
into  the  grave,  exclaimed  with  tears  in  his  eyes :  *'  Well,  I've 
lost  cows,  but  I  never  had  anything  to  cut  me  like  this.;i 


A  DIALOGUE  IN  THE  BACK-WOODS. — "  What  are  you  at  there, 
you  black  scoundrel  ?  Twice  you  awoke  me  from  a  sound  sleep  ; 
and  not  content  with  that,  you  are  now  pulling  off  the  bed-clothes. 
Get  you  gone,  sir." — "  Well,  af  you  won't  git  up,  I  must  htb  a 
sheet,  any  how.  coz  they're  waiting  for  de  table-cloth  !" 

BEAUTIFUL  THOUGHTS. 

(i  'Tis  sweet  to  hear  the  tree-toad  peep, 

To  chase  the  bat  when  day  reposes, 
To  see  the  youthful  bull-frogs  leap, 

And  j*rab  the  pollywogs  by  their  noses , 
But  sweeter  far  it  is  to  me, 

Myself  in  Sally's  lap  to  throw, 
There  let  my  home  forever  be, 

My  love — my  life — my  Sally  Snow  !" 


/~    1R/.'    .  DESEKVE  THE  FARE. 


J 


72  MRS.    PARTING-TON'S 


WHAT  AM  I  ? — [Scene,  a  stout  old  gentleman  and  his  wife  gazing 
at  their  children,  a  pair  of  twins,  who  are  encircled  in  each  other's 
arms  in  the  cradle.] 

Wife — Do  look  at  them,  husband  ]  aint  they  a  precious  pair  of  ) 
lambs  ? 

Husband,  (very  innocently,) — If  they  are  a  pair  of  precious 
lambs,  pray  tell  me  love,  what  am  I  ? 

RISING  GENIUSES. — Master.  "Fuss  class  in  jografee  !"  Scholars. 
"Yeth'm."  Master.  "  Tummas,  what's  the  biggest  river  in 
Ameriky  ?"  Scholar.  "  The  Tomfogbee,  zar :  Ike  keeps  a  pinchin' 
on  me."  "  He  pincht  me  first,  zur,  and  I  pincht  him  back  again.' 
Master.  "  Take  yer  seats.  Fuss  class  in  parsin !"  Scholar. 
Yeth'm."  Master.  "  Moses,  parse  Arkansas, — sixth  line  from 
top."  Scholar.  "  Arkark,  ans  ans,  arkans.  ass  ass,  Arkansas." 
Master.  "  Pronounce  it  Arkansaw  ;  but,  Moses,  you  aint  spellin, — 
you're  parsin,  child."  ScJwlar.  "O,  yeth'er  !  Harkhandsaw  is  a 
noun,  objectiv  case,  indicativ  mode,  comparative  degree,  third 
person,  and  nomitiv  case  to  scizzars."  Master.  "  You  havent  said 
what  gender,  Moses."  Scholar.  u  Feminine  gender."  Master. 

"Why?"     Scholar.  "  Corzitz "      Master.  "Next."     Scholar. 

"Corziz  a  shemale."  Master.  "Next."  Scholar.  "  Forgotten, 
zur."  Master.  "  Come,  David,  you  know."  Scholar.  "  Yeth'm." 
Master.  "  Well,  why  is  Arkansas  of  the  feminine  gender,  David  ?" 
Scholar.  "  Corzitz — why  corzitz  got  Miss  Souri  on  the  norf, 
Louisa  Anna  on  the  souf,  Mrs.  Sippy  on  the  east,  and  ever  se 
many  more  shemales  on  the  west."  Master.  "  Very  well,  David, 
you  may  go  to  the  head ;  you're  a  rising  genius,  and'll  make  a 
man  before  yer  mother."  Scholar.  "  Yeth'm." 

1 
ANEW  READING. — "Go  to  thunder,"   is  now  rendered:  Take 

your  departure  to  the  abode  of  the  reverberating  echoes  of  heaven's 
artillery. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  73 


CAN'T  DIE  BEFORE  YOUR  TIME  COMES. — I  knew  an  old  man  who 
believed  that  "  what  was  to  be,  would  be."  He  lived  in  Missouri, 
and  waa  one  day  going  out  several  miles  through  a  region  infested, 
in  the  early  times,  with  very  savage  Indians.  He  always  took  his 
gun  with  him.  but  this  time  found  that  some  one  of  the  family 
had  it  out.  As  he  would  not  go  without  it.  some  of  his  friends 
tantalized  him  by  saying  that  there  was  no  danger  of  the  Indians  • 
that  he  would  not  die  until  his  time  came,  anyhow.  "  Yes,"  says 
the  old  fellow,  "  but  suppose  I  was  to  meet  an  Indian,  and  his  time 
had  corne,  it  wouldn't  do  not  to  have  my  gun." 

SAL,  DON'T  FOUNDER  ! — At  the  celebrated  ball  in  Coldwater, 
after  the  dancers  began  "  to  get  interested,"  and  commenced  calling 
for  "  fast  tune,"  a  couple  who  had  been  particularly  industrious, 
and  were  very  much  warmed  up  by  the  exercise,  "  hauled  off" 
for  a  drink.  The  lady  drank  immoderately,  and  the  young  man, 
probably  having  witnessed  the  result  of  watering  too  freely  after 
"  fast  driving,"  in  a  voice  that  could  be  heard  ail  over  the  room, 
cried  out, — "  Sal,  don't  founder  !"  The  sententious  warning,  it 
is  said,  had  the  desired  effect,  and  it  is  possible  that  the  fair  one's 
life  was  saved  by  the  means. 

NATURALLY  ANSWERED. — "  My  dear."  said  an  anxious  father 
to  his  bashful  daughter,  "I  intend  that  you  should  be  married, 
but  I  do  not  intend  that  you  shall  throw  yourself  away  on  any  of 
the  wild,  worthless  boys  of  the  present  day.  You  must  marry  a 
man  of  sober  and  mature  age  j  one  that  can  charm  /ou  with  wis-  • 
dom  and  good  advice,  rather  than  with  personal  attraction.  What 
do  you  think  of  a  fine,  intelligent,  mature  husband  of  fifty  ?" 

The  timid,  meek,  blue-eyed  little  daughter  looked  in  the  man's 
face,  and  with  the  slightest  possible  touch  of  interest  in  her  voice. 
\  answered,  "  I  think  two  of  twenty-five  would  be  better,  pa." 


74 


A  POWERFUL  LETTER. — An  elderly  lady  and  gentleman  v/t-re 
riding  a  few  days  ago  in  an  omnibus.  Opposite  to  them  sat  a 
pleasant  looking  young  lady  with  a  fine,  noble,  chubby,  crowing, 
bully  of  a  boy  in  her  lap.  Conversation  arose  between  the  parties. 
A  steamer  from  Chagres  had  just  arrived,  and  the  good  looking 
lady,  with  the  chubby  juvenile,  wished  to  know  the  news,  remark- 
ing that  her  husband  had  been  away  fifteen  months  that  day,  and 
she  was  very  anxious  to  hear  from  him.  And  then  the  good  look- 
ing lady  proceeded  to  indulge  in  a  long  and  pathetic  dissertation 
on  the  discomfort  and  annoyances  of  wives,  when  husbands  go  off 
and  stay  so  long  from  their  homes. 

"True,  madam,"  remarked  the  elderly  gentleman,  who  had 
never  known  the  pride  and  pleasure  of  paternity :  "  but,  then, 
that  fine  little  fellow  must  be  great  pleasure  and  comfort  to  you," 
chucking  at  the  same  time  the  jolly  little  fellow  under  the  chin, 
who  crowed,  and  swelled,  and  stared  at  the  old  gentleman's  specta- 
cles ;  "  a  remarkably  fine  boy — what  may  be  his  age,  madam  ?" 

"  Just  three  months,  sir,"  replied  the  proud  young  mother. 

"Three  months?"  replied  the  elderly  lady,  "three  months?  I 
thought  you  said  your  husband  had  been  away  fifteen  months  ?" 

The  good  looking  lady  blushed  very  deeply,  but  soon  recovering 
the  momentary  confusion,  and  remembering  herself,  she  ejaculated, 
"  Oh,  but  he  has  writ  once." 

LOVE   VS.    ROAST   ONIONS. 

I  remember  the  hour,  I  remember  the  day, 

I  first  saw  thee,  my  love  ;  it  was  during  a  play ; 

We  were  there  introduced,  and  I  offered  my  arm, 

And  escorted  you  home  to  protect  you  from  harm. 

I  told  thee  my  love  ere  the  hour  came  to  part. 

And  strained  thee  with  ardor  close,  close  to  my  heart, 

But  there  came  from  thy  parted  lips  ere  mine  they  met 

A  smell  of  roast  onions  I  ne'er  can  forget. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUtf.  75 


THE  DELUGE. — A   Scotchman  and  an  Englishman  were  once 
disputing  about  the  ancient  origin  of  their  respective  families 
The  Englishman,  getting  out  of  patience,  exclaimed,  "  Pooh  !  my 
friend,  you'll  tell  me  next  that  your  ancestors  were  in  the  ark  with 
Noah."    "  I've  no  preceece  evedence  o'  the  fac,"  replied  the  Scotch- 
man;   "but  I've  a  shrewd  conjecture  that  they  were."     "  Very  » 
well,"  replied  the  Englishman,  u  all  that  may  be  possible,  but  to  i 
show  you  the  immense  superiority  of  my  family  at  that  time,  1 1 
would  inform  you  that  they  Jtad  a  boat  of  their  own  /" 


A  MISTAKEN  GOOSE. — A  Western  paper  tells  the  following  story  j 
respecting  a  gallant  widower  who  resides  at  Holley  Springs,  Mis-  j 
sissippi,  and  who,  it  was  said,  had  been  casting  the  sheep's  eye  of 
affection  at  a  certain  amiable  "  vidder"  in  the  neighborhood,  al- 
though others  thought  his  visits  were  covertly  paid  to  the  "  vidder's 
darters."     Be  this  how  it  may,  one  evening  he  called,  as  usual, 
and  found  the  family  party  hard  at  work  upon  some  garments  of  [ 
cloth.     The  girls  were  sewing,  and  the  widow  was  pressing  the  \ 
seams.     The  widower  "  hung  up  his  hat,"  and,  as  usual,  took  his 
seat  by  the  fire  ]  just  at  that  moment  it  happened  that  the  widow  had 
done  with  the  pressing  iron  (vulgo  tailor's  goose ;)  she  set  it  down 
on  the  hearth,  and  called  to  her  negro  man  in  a  loud  voice — 
"  Jake  !  Jake  !  come  and  take  out  this  goose  /" 

The  widower  started  up  in  astonishment,  not  knowing  what  to 
make  of  this  abrupt  order. 

"  Jake,  do  you  hear  ?"  again  exclaimed  the  widow. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  Mrs.  M.,"  said  the  widower  with  visible 
agitation,  v  but  pray  don't  call  Jake — if  you  wish  me  to  leave 
your  house,  I  will  go  at  once  without  the  interference  of  servants." 
The  ladies  roared  with  laughter,  and  it  took  some  moments  to  ex- 
plain to  the  chagrined  widower  his  mistake.  He  has  not  been 
known  to  visit  the  widow  M.,  since  that  memorable  night. 


76  MRS. 

^ 

NOTHING  TO  TAKE. — Hood  was  the  parent  of  that  unconscious 
remark  of  the  child  of  a  drunkard,  who  was  said  to  take  after  his 
father  "  Ah,  father  leaves  nothing  afterwards  to  take." 


A  FEELING  JUDGE. — An  individual  having  been  convicted  upon 
rather  slight  evidence,  before  a  judge  in  Hagarstown,  Md.,  pro- 
ceeded to  pass  judgment  as  follows  : 

"  Prisoner  at  the  bar !  You  have  been  found  guilty  by  a  jury 
of  your  countrymen  of  a  crime  which  subjects  you  to  the  penalty 
of  death.  You  say  you  are  innocent :  the  truth  of  that  assertion 
is  only  known  to  yourself  and  God.  It  is  my  duty  to  leave  you  for 
execation.  If  guilty  you  richly  deserve  the  fate  which  awaits  you 
— if  innocent,  it  will^be  a  gratification  to  feel  that  you  were  hanged 
without  such  a  crime  on  your  conscience.  In  either  case  you  will  be 
delivered  from  a  world  of  care." 

FLATTERING  PREFERENCE. — Two  natives  of  the  Marquesas 
Islands  have  been  carried  to  France.  The  story  runs,  that  on  the 
voyage  one  of  their  fellow-passengers,  fishing  for  a  compliment, 
asked  them  which  they  liked  best,  the  French  or  English  ?  u  The 
English,"  answered  the  man,  smacking  his  lips ;  "  they  are  the 
fattest."  "  And  a  great  deal  more  tender,"  chimed  in  the  woman, 
with  a  grin  that  exhibited  two  rows  of  pointed  teeth  as  sharp  as  a 
crocodile's. 


ALL    HANDS   TO   THE   PUMPS. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


77 


HUMBUGS. — "  Hallo,  steward  !"•  exclaimed  a  fellow  in  one  of 
the  steamboats  after  having  retired  to  bed,  "  hallo,  steward." 

"What,  massa?" 

"  Bring  me  the  way  bill." 

"  What  for,  massa  !" 

"  I  want  to  see  if  these  bed  bugs  put  down  their  names  for  this 
berth  before  I  did.  If  not,  I  want  'em  turned  out." 

A  SPOTTED  BOY. — Why  is  a  man  examining  his  boy,  to  see  if 
he  has  the  measles,  like  an  astronomer  ?  Because  he  is  looking  for 
spots  on  the  son  ! 

ALENTED  YOUTH. — A  good  anecdote  is  told 
of  a  house-painter's  son,  who  used  the 
brush  dexterously,  but  unfortunately  had 
acquired  the  habit  of  "  putting  it  on  a 
little  too  thick."  The  other  day  his  father, 
after  having  frequently  scolded  him  for 
his  lavish  daubing,  and  all  to  no  purpose, 
gave  him  a  severe  flagellation.  "  There. 
you  young  rascal,"  said  he.  after  per- 
forming the  painful  duty,  "  how  do  you 
like  that  ?"  "  Well,  I  don't  know,  dad," 

whined  the  boy  in  reply,  u  but  it  seems  to  me  you  put  it  on  a 

dara'd  sight  thicker  than  I  did." 

I/ISHING  FOR  A  TUNE. — Fisher,  the  celebrated  performer  on  the 
ob'<e,  was  invited  by  Lord  Kelly  to  sup  with  him.  In  the  course 
of  the  evening,  his  lordship  hinted  that  he  hoped  he  had  brought 
hi  J  oboe  with  him 

"  My  lord,"  said  Fisher,  "  my  oboe  never  eats  supper." 

TICKLISH  — What  shape  is  a  kiss  ?     Elliptical  (a  lip-tickle.) 


78 


Go  TO  GRASS. — A  country  clergyman  who  had  preached  many 
years  to  the  same  society,  told  his  hearers,  one  Sunday,  that  if 
they  would  propose  texts  for  him  to  preach  upon  he  could  do  them 
much  more  good  than  by  selecting  his  own.  "  Will  not  some  one/*' 
he  said,  "  give  me  a  subject  for  next  Sunday  ?"  After  waiting 
awhile  for  some  answer,  a  young  man  in  the  back  part  of  the 
house  arose  and  said  : — "  You  know  that  we  read  in  the  Bible  that 
Nebuchadnezzar  ate  grass."  "  Certainly,"  said  the  minister, 
"  we  do  j  and  now  young  man,  what  do  you  wish  to  have  explain- 
ed in  regard  to  that  passage  ?"  "  O,"  said  the  young  fellow,  "  I 
kinder  want  to  know  how  much  they  axed  him  a  week  for 
pasture.'*' 

DECIDEDLY  COOL. — About  two  o'clock  on  a  December  night, 
when  the  thermometer  stood  in  the  neighborhood  of  zero,  a  party 
of  wags  haited  a  farm  house  in  a  very  boisterous  manner.  The 
farmer  sprang  out  of  his  bed,  drew  on  a  few  articles  of  clothing, 
*nd  ran  out  to  see  what  was  wanted,  when  the  following  interest- 
»*ig  dialogue  occurred  : 

"  Have  you  any  hay,  Mr. ?" 

"  Plenty  of  it,  sir." 

"  Have  you  plenty  of  com  ?" 

"  Yes." 

"  Any  oats  ?" 

"Yes." 

"  Plenty  of  meat  and  breadstuffs  ?" 

"  Yes." 

'  Well,  we  are  very  glad  to  hear  it }  for  they  are  useful  things 
IK  a  family!" 

The  party  then  drove  off,  leaving  the  farmer  to  his  reflections. 

i  PIG  IN  A  PARLOR. — Why  is  a  pig  in  a  parlor,  like  a  house 
o*  fire  ?  Because  the  sooner  it  is  put  out  the  better. 


CORPORAL  PARTINGTON  BEING  ACCUSED  OF  A  WANT  or  "  PLUCK,"  COMES 

TO  THE  CONCLUSION  TO    LAY    IN    A    STOCK    OF    THAT  ARTICLE,  THAT  WILL  LAST 
HIM  THE  REST  OF  HIS  LIFE. 


SO  MRS. 

THE  WEATHER  NO  JOKE. — An  Excited  Editors  Opinion  of  a  Hot 
Day. — "  Yesterday  was  hot.     Fat  women  felt  fussy,  and  fanned 
furiously.     Lean  woman  leaned  languidly  on  lounges,  or  lolled 
lazily  like  lilies  on  a  lake.     Shabby,  slipshod  sisters  sat  silently 
r  and  sadly  sweating  in  the  shade,  while  soiled  and  sozzling  shirt- 
l  collars,  and  sticky  shirts,  stuck  to  such  sap-heads  as  stirred  in  the 
sun.     Babies  bawled  busily,  and  bit  bobbins  and  bodkins  till  bed 
time.     Literary  gentlemen  who  undertook  a  heavy  task  of  allitera- 
tion became  exhausted  in  the  middle  of  a  weather  paragraph,  and 
gave  it  up  for  a  cooler  day.     Yesterday  was  hot.'* 

A  SWEET  BOY. — A  little  boy  hearing  his  father  say,  "  There  is 
a  time  for  all  things,"  climbed  up  behind  his  mother's  chair,  and 
whispering  in  her  ear,  asked,  "  When  was  the  proper  time  for 
hooking  sugar  out  of  the  sugar  bowl  " 

TIT-FOR-TAT. — George  Coleman  getting  out  of  a  hackney  coach 
one  night,  gave  the  driver  a  shilling.  "  This  is  a  bad  shilling,  sir," 
said  the  driver.  "  Then  it  is  all  right,"  said  George,  with  his 
illimitable  chuckle,  "  it  is  all  right — yours  is  a  bad  coach." 

NOT  DRUNK  BY  A  E>ARNTI>  SITE  ! — "  Mrs.  Smithers,  where's 
(hic-cup)  my  shavings  'tensils  ?" 

"  Your  shaving  utensils  ?  What  do  you  want  of  your  shaving 
utensils  at  this  hour  of  the  night  ?  Come  to  bed,  you  brute,  yon're 
drunk." 

"  You  lie,  my  love,  Fm  not  (hic-cup)  drunk ;  but  I  want  to  know 
what  comes  (hic-cup)  of  that  blue-eyed  bonnet  what  wore  the  white 
silk  young  'oman.  Say,  where's  them  shavinsr  Hensils  ?  If  you 
don't  speak,  (hic-eup,)  I'll  take  a  door,  my  love,  and  burst  the  club 
in." 

When  we  left,  Smithers*  was  talking  about  the  constitution  to 
the  key-hole  of  a  bed-room  door. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


81 


WANTS    STUFFING. 


YANKEE'S  DESCRIPTION  or  A  TEETOTA- 
LER.— "  I  once  travelled  through  all  the 
states  of  Maine  with  one  of  them  chaps. 
He  was  as  thin  as  a  whippin'  post.  His 
skin  looked  like  a  blown  bladder  after 
some  of  the  air  had  leaked  out,  kinder 
wrinkled  and  rumpled  like,  and  his  eye 
as  dim  as  a  lamp  that's  livin'  on  a  short 
allowance  of  ile.  He  put  me  in  mind  of 
a  pair  of  kitchen  tongs,  all  legs,  shaft. 
and  head,  and  no  belly :  a  real  gander 
gutted  looking  critter,  as  holler  as  a  bam- 
boo walking  cane,  and  twice  as  yaller. 
He  actilly  looked  as  if  he  had  been  picked 
off  a  rack  at  sea,  and  dragged  through  a 
gimlet  hole.  He  was  a  lawyer  Thinks 
I,  the  Lord  a  massy  on  your  clients,  you 
hungry,  half-starved  looking  critter  you, 
you'll  eat  'em  up  alive.  You  are  just 
the  chap  to  strain  at  a  knat  and  swallow 
a  camel,  tank,  shank,  and  flank,  all  at  a 
gulp." 


THE  MODEL  HUSBAND. — Mrs.  Smith  has  company  to  dinner 
(  and  there  are  not  strawberries  enough,  and  as  she  looks  at  Mr. 
\  Smith  with  a  sweet  smile,  and  offers  to  help  him,  (at  the  same 
t  time  kicking  him  gently  with  her  slipper  under  the  table,)  he 

always  replies,   "No,  I  thank  you,  dear,  they  don't  agree  with 

me." 

WINDY. — Sentimental  Young  Lady. — Pray  Mr.  Charles,  how  is 
the  wind  ? 

Embarassed  Young  Gentleman. — Pretty  well,  thank  you  ma'am." 


82  MRS.    PARTINOTON'S 

FRIGHTENED  BY  AN  INFERENCE. — Mary  the  maid,  who  had 
gone  up  on  Monday  morning  to  make  the  beds,  came  flying  down 
stairs,  screaming  "  Murder !  murder  !"  and  staggered  into  the  break- 
fast-room, where  she  fainted  at  the  feet  of  Mrs.  Gotobed  and  Miss 

Ditto,  of ,  in  this  county.     The  ladies  thought  of  flight,  but 

their  knees  shook  so  industriously  that  no  other  motion  was  per- 
formable.  Mary,  beginning  to  recover,  sighed  heavily  ;  her  little 
heart  fluttered  and  beat  •  her  rosy  lips  parted  •  and  an  ejaculation 
escaped.  "  O-h-h-h  !  ma'am  !"  "  Where  is  the  villain  ?"  gently 
whispered  Miss.  "  Under  the  bed !"  Mrs.  and  Miss  uttered  a 

•  dreadful  scream,  and  Mary  screamed  in  sympathy.     But  no  suc- 

*  cour  was  at  hand ;  Mary's  first  cries  had  scared  the  poodle-dog  out 
'  of  gunshot.     "  Is  the  wretch  a  very  big  man  ?"  inquired  the  old 

lady.  u  I  did  not  stay  to  see  him,"  replied  her  maid ;  "  I  ran 
away  the  moment  I  saw  his  sword  behind  the  pillow  !"  "  Oh  ! 
you  young  fool  !"  exclaimed  her  mistress,  bursting  in  a  peal  of 
laughter,  "  I  put  the  sword  there  myself,  to  be  ready  for  robbers  F 
Mrs.  Gotobed  had  drawn  the  sword,  and  Mary  had  drawn  an 
inference. 


MOODY  REFLECTIONS. — Trial  for  Sleeping  in  Meeting. — "What 
do  you  know  about  John  Hartley's  sleeping  in  meeting  ?"  demanded 
Justice  Wilson,  of  a  witness  in  a  case  before  him. 

<:  I  know  all  about  it ;  'taint  no  secret,  I  guess,"  replied  the 
witness. 

"Then  tell  us  about  it ;  that's  just  what  we  want  to  know." 

"Well  (scratching  his  head,)  the  long  and  the  short  of  it  is, 
John  Hartley  is  a  hard-working  man  j  that  is,  he  works  mighty 
hard  doing  nothing,  and  that's  the  hardest  work  there  is  done.  It 
•will  make  a  feller  sleep  quicker  than  poppy  leaves.  So  it  stands 
to  reason  that  Hartley  wou"1!  naturally  be  a  very  sleepy  sort  of  a 
person.  Well  the  weather  is  sometimes  naturally  considerable 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  83 


c  warm,  and  Parson  Moody's  sarmon  is  sometimes  rather  heavy- 
like— 

"  Stop,  Stop  !  No  reflections  upon  Parson  Moody ;  that's  not 
)  what  you  were  called  for." 

"  I  don't  cast  no  reflections  upon  Parson  Moody.  I  was  only 
:)  telling  what  I  know  about  John  Hartley's  sleeping  in  meeting ; 
|  and  it's  my  opinion,  especially  in  warm  weather,  that  sarmons  that 
|  are  heavy-like,  and  two  hours  long,  naturally  have  a  tendency — 

'•'  Stop,  stop  !  I  say. — If  you  repeat  any  of  these  reflections  on 
Parson  Moody  again,  I'll  commit  you  for  contempt  of  court." 

"I  don't  cast  no  reflections  upon  Parson  Moody.     I  was  only 
telling  what  I  know  about  John  Hartley's  sleeping  in  meeting." 

"  Well,  go  on;  and  tell  us  about  that.     You  were  not  called 
here  to  testify  about  Parson  Moody." 

;;  That's  what  I'm  trying  to  do,  if  you  wouldn't  keep  putting  me 
out.     And  it's  my  opinion  in  warm  weather,  folks  is  considerable 
apt  to  sleep  in  meeting;  'specially  when  the  sarmon — I   mean, 
'specially  when  they  get  pretty  tired.     I  know  I  find  it  pietty 
hard  work  to  get  by  seventhly  and  eigthly  in  the  sarmon  myself; 
but  if  I  once  get  by  there  I  generally  get  into  a  kind  of  waking  train 
again,  and  make  out  to  weather  it.     But  it  isn't  so  with  Hartley. 
I've  generally  noticed  if  he  begins  to  gape  at  seventhly  and  eigthly, 
it's  a  gone  goose  with  him  before  he  gets  through  tenthly,  and  he  [ 
has  got  to  look  out  for  another  prop  for  his  head  somewhere,  stiff  { 
enough  to  hold  it  up.     And  from  tenthly  to  sixteenthly  he's  as . 
dead  as  a  door  nail,  till  the  amen  brings  the  people  up  to  prayers, 
and  Hartley  comes  up  with  a  jerk,  just  like  opening  a  jacknife." 


SHORT  DRESSES. — "  I  say  Ned,  what  do  you  think  of  that  girl 
with  short  dress  and  big  trousers,  over  there  ?'' 

"  Well.  Bill,  I  think  if  it  wasn't  for  the  big  trousers,  she'd  just 
show  the  knee  plus  ultra,  and  nothiii'  shorter." 


84 


MR8.    PARTINGTON    S 


JUNTOS    BRUTUS    BOOTH    JONES'    FIRST   APPEARANCE   AS    HAMLET.      "A  HIT,   A 
PALPABLE    HIT." 


S  -OTCH  GREENS. — A  sailor  who  was  in  Canton  sent  a  pound 
of  tea  to  his  mother,  in  the  Highlands  of  Scotland.  A  year  or  so 
afterwards  he  came  home  and  paid  the  old  dame  a  visit  "  Well, 
how  did  you  like  the  tea,  mother  ?"  he  said,  shortly  after  his  re- 
turn. u Heigh,  Johnnie."  she  replied,  "is  that  what  ye  ca'  the 
pesky  foreign  greens  ye  sent  me  ?  Gude  kens  if  that's  the  stuff 
you  get  to  eat  abroad,  it's  a  wonder  you're  no  starved.  I  cookit 
them  for  twa  days,  and  then  I  couldna  mak  'em  tender ;  no  I 
throwit  them  till  the  pigs,  but  even  the  dumb  beasties  would  na 
eat  em." 

THRILLING  POETRY. — Lines  on  a  lady  smothered  by  the  snow, 
which  happened  about  a  hundred  and  fifty  years  ago : — 
"  Oh !  she  was  all  friz  in  with  frost — 

Six  days  and  nights, — poor  soul ! — 
And  when  they  g'n  her  up  for  lost, 
Thev  found  her  down  in  the  hole." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     F  t  N  . 


85 


WHAT  MAKES  THE  DIFFERENCE. — Uncle  Zeke  belonged  to  the 
temperance  society  .of  the  town  in  which  he  resided.  Business 
once  called  him  to  another  town,  a  few  miles  distant,  and  while 
there  he  was  tempted,  and  indulged  in  libations  that  shocked  those 
•who  were  acquainted  with  his  abstemious  habits  while  at  home. 
"  How  is  it,"  said  they,  "  we  thought  you  belonged  to  the  temper- 
ance society  ?"  "  So  I  do,"  hic-cupped  the  backslider,  "  but  1 
don't  belong  to  yours  ;  ours  is  a  different  thing." 


RAKING  AND  SPREADING. — "  Son,"  said  a  careful  Quaker  to  a 
spendthrift,  "  thou  art  a  sad  rake."  "  Nay,  father,"  replied  the 
promising  youth,  "  thou  art  the  raker,  and  I  am  the  spreader." 

HOOSIER  COURTSHIP. — [Scene  :  A  log  cabin  boasting  a  single 
room,  one  half  of  which  is  occupied  by  two  beds,  one  containing 
the  "  old  folks"  and  baby,  the  other  whose  duty  by  day  is  to  stand 
beneath  the  shadows  of  its  loftier  mate,  laden  with  five  younger 
members.] 

Ezekiel,  (in  a  whisper).  I  swow  tew  gosh  Sary,  I  luv  ye. 

Sary,  (in  a  higher  key}.  Good  !     Zeke,  I'm  glad  on't. 

Zeke.  Will  ye  have  me  ?     That's  what  1  want  to  know. 

Sari/,  (looking  astonished).  Heve  ye?     To  be  sure,  I  cal'late  to. 

Zeke.  When  will  we  get  spliced  ?" 

Sary.  Wall,  hoss,  that's  what  I've  been  thinking  on ;  I  telled 
dad  that  ef  so  be  he'd  go  to  mill  to-morror,  we'd  get  jined  next  day. 

Zeke.     Ye  did  ?     Wall,  then,  swap  a  buss  with  me. 

Father,  (from  the  bed).  There  now,  varmints,  ef  you've  got  the 
|  bizness  settled,  dew  quit  for  the  night ;  ye  make  sich  a  rackett,  a 
I  feller  might  as  well  sleep  in  bedlam. 

AN  INDIAN'S  PREACHING. — During  the  Florida  war.  a  smart, 
fun-loving  sort  of  an  officer,  got  a  furlough  for  a  few  weeks,  and 
spent  his  time  in  "  seeing  what  he  could  see"  around  that  dismal 
place  called  Apalachicola.  Curiosities  were  rather  sparse.  So  he 


86 


unused  himself  in  smoking  Florida  tobacco,  and  in  the  fumes  of 
it  musing  how  he  could  gain 

*'  the  bubble  reputation 

Even  in  the  cannon's  mouth." 

At  last  he  fell  foul  of  a  curiosity  in  the  shape  of  an  old  tamed 
Indian  :  and  after  putting  to  him  several  questions,  asked  him  how 
he  got  a  living.  "  0."  said  he,  li  I  preach."  u  Preach."  inter- 
rogated the  officer,  "  who  pays  you — what  do  you  get  ?"  "  O.  T 
I  sometimes  get  turkey,  sometimes  potato,  and  den  hominy."  u  Is 
that  all !"  said  the  officer,  "  I  should  think  that  was  d — d  poor 
pay."  "  Yes,"  replied  the  antique  Seminole,  with  a  sly  look, 
"  but  p'raps  it  be  d — d  poor  preach." 


A  FIRST  RATE  BOARDING  SCHOOL. 


A  NEW  KIND  OF  SCHOOL. — Dobbs,  on  being  questioned  by  the 
court  as  to  whether  he  had  ever  been  extensively  engaged  in  the 
hotel  business,  answered  that  he  rather  thought  he  had,  as  he 
once  "  boarded  a  frigate  and  two  sloops-of-war." 

THE  DEVIL  — It  makes  our  heart  ache  to  see  an  advertisement 
in  the  paper,  inserted  by  a  printer,  for  a  "  moral  and  industrious 
lad,  '  when  he  wants  to  make  a  "devil"  of  him. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  87 


GOOD  FOR  JERROLD. — Douglass  Jerrold  is  sometimes  severe. 
The  author  of  a  poem  called  the  "  Descent  into  Hell,"  an  enor- 
nlously  vain  man,  one  evening  asked  Jerrold,  "  Have  you  ever  read 
my  '  Descen-  into  Hell?'  "  "  No,"  said  the  wit,  "I  would  rather 
see  it !"  On  another  occasion  he  rebuked  Albert  Smith,  the 
novelist,  who  was  boasting  of  his  intimacy  with  Lamartine,  the 
great  French  statesman.  Among  other  things,  Smith  said  that 
"  he  and  Lamartine  were  like  brothers — in  short,  that  they  rowed 
in  the  same  boat  !"  Jerrold  significantly  scratched  his  head,  say- 
ing : — "  You  may  row  in  the  same  boat,  but  with  a  very  different 
sort  of  sculls." 

SEEING  A  LIGHT. — A  sailor,  the  other  day,  in  describing  his  first 
efforts  to  become  a  waterman,  said  that  just  at  the  close  of  a  dark 
night  he  was  sent  aloft  to  see  if  he  could  see  a  light  After  a 
short  time  he  was  hailed  from  the  deck,  with  : 

"  Mast  head,  ahoy  !" 

"  Ay,  ay,  sir  ?"  was  the  answer. 

"  Do  you  see  a  light  ?" 

•"  Yes,  sir !" 

"What  light?" 

"  Daylight,  sir !" 

The  lookout  was  ordered  down  with  a  run. 

DARK  WEATHER. —  "Good  mornin',  Sambo;  bery  hot  wedder, 
Sambo.  Dey  do  say  dat  it  is  so  hot  down-east,  dat  dey  is  obliged 
to  take  off  de  tops  ob  de  houses  to  let  in  de  air."  "  Well,  Cuffy, 
it  can't  git  no  hotter  in  our  house,  anyhow,  'cause  de  frenometer's 
got  bang  up  to  de  top  ;  dat's  one  comfort,  Cuffy." 

CAN'T  BEAR  THEM. — "I  never  could  bear  children,"  said  a 
crusty  old  maid  to  Mrs.  Parti ngton.  "  Perhaps,  if  >  ju  could,  you 
would  like  them  better,"  mildly  replied  the  old  lady. 


88 


FEMALE  CURIOSITY. — Two  elderly  maiden  ladies  last  summer 
waited  on  a  neighboring  magistrate  to  complain  of  a  man  who  was 
'  in  the  habit  of  bathing  every  morning  in  a  large  piece  of  water 
overlooked  by  tLe  windows  of  their  residence.  "  But  ladies,"  said 
the  magistrate,-  ':  it  seems  that  the  water  is  at  least  half  a  mile 
wide,  and  that  you  don't  live  very  close  to  the  edge  of  it.  I  do 
not  see  how  you  could  tell  whether  it  was  a  man  at  all  in  the 
water."  "  No  more  we  could,"  replied  one  of  the  spinsters  ;  "  we 
were  in  doubt  more  than  a  week,  but  at  last  sister  happened  to 
think  of  sending  to  borrow  Captain 's  spy-glass." 


COURTING  SCENE. — "Jonathan,  do  you  lovo  boiled  beef  and 
I  dumplins  ?" 

"  Darned  if  I  don't,  Sooky — but  a  hot  dumplin  aint  nothin'  to 
your  sweet,  tarnal  nice  red  lips.  Sook." 

"  0  la,  now  Jonathan,  do  hush.  Jonathan,  did  you  read  that 
story  about  a  man  as  was  hugged  to  death  by  a  bear?" 

"  Guess  I  did.  Sooky — and  it  made  me  feel  all  overish." 

"  How  did  you  feel,  Jonathan  ?" 

"  Kinder  sorter  as  if  Fd  like  to  hug  you  e'narnost  to  death  too, 
you  tarnal  nice,  plump,  elegant  little  critter  you." 

"  0  la,  now  go  away,  you  Jonathan." 

"  Ah,  Sooky,  you  are  sich  a  slick  gal  !" 

"  La  !  aint  you  ashamed,  Jonathan  ?" 

"  I  wish  I  was  a  nice  little  ribbon,  Sook." 

"What  for?" 

"  Cos,  may  be  you'd  tie  me  round  that  nice  little  neck  of  yourn; 
and  I  should  like  to  be  tied  thar,  darned  if  I  shouldn't." 

"  0  la  !  there  comes  mother  !     Jonathan — run." 

NEW  DEFINITION. — A  lady  being  asked  to  waltz,  gave  the 
following  sensible  and  appropriate  answer  : — "  No  thank  ye,  sir, 
I  have  hugging  enough  at  home." 


CAF.rET-BAO     OP      FUN. 


89 


WHIST  !  WHIST  ! — A  gentleman  playing  whist  with  an  intimate 


friend,  who  seemed,  as  far  as  hands  were  concerned,  to  hold  the 
Mahomed  an  doctrine  of  ablution  in  supreme  contempt,  said  to  him, 
with  a  countenance  more  in  sorrow  than  in  anger,  "  My  good 
fellow,  if  dirt  were  trumps,  what  a  hand  you  would  have  !;; 


VERT  TENDER. — The  story  is  told  of  a  certain  New  Zealand 
chief,  that  a  young  missionary  landed  at  his  island,  to  succeed  a 
sacred  teacher  deceased  some  time  before.  At  an  interview  with 
the  chief,  the  young  minister  asked : — 

"Did  you  know  my  departed  brother?" 

"  Ah,  yes,  I  was  deacon  in  his  church." 

"  Ah,  then  you  know  him  well ;  and  was  he  not  a  good  and 
tender-hearted  man  ?" 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  pious  deacon,  with  much  gusto,  "  he  very 
tender;  I  eat  a  piece  of  him  !" 

Too  MODEST. — The  young  lady  who  refused  to  go  into  the  rifle 
manufactory  because  some  of  the  guns  had  no  breeches,  is  spending 
a  few  days  at  Nahant,  looking  out  for  a  ship  that  is  said  to  be  in 
stays. 


A.  POINTED  ARTICLE. — Why  is  a  fool  like  a  needle?     He  has 
an  eye,  but  he  has  got  no  head :  and  you  can't  see  his  point. 


90  MRS.      PARTINGTON8 


MRS.  PARTINGTON  DISCLAIMS  ON   PARSONS. — "  Oh,   doesn't  he 
disclaim  fluidly  !"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Partington,  delightedly,  as  she 
listened  to  the  exercises  of  the  Humtown  Intellectual  Mutual  Im- 
provement Society.     Her  admiration  knew  no  bounds  as  a  young 
i  declaimer,  with  inspiration  truly  Demosthenic,  launched  the  flash- 
!  ing  beams  of  his  eloquence  broadcast  among  his  auditors,  with 
|  thrilling,  dazzling,  burning  force :  anon  soaring  like  a  rocket  into 
•  the  "  empyrean  blue,"  dashing  helter  skelter  amidst  the  stars,  and 
|  harnessing  the  fiery  comets  to  the  car  of  his  genius  :  anon  scouring 
the  land  like  a  racer,  the  hot  sparks,  like  young  lightning,  marking 
his  Phajtonish  course :    anon    breaking    through   the  terraqueous 
shell,  and  reveling  in  Hadean  horrors  in  underground  localities, 
somewhere.     The  voice  of  Mrs.  ParLington,  whom  we  left  stand- 
ing on  the  threshold  of  her  admiration  some  way  back,  recalls  us 
to  herself.     "  How  fluidly  he  talks  !     He  ought  to  be  a  minister,  I 
declare  •  and  how  well  he  would  look  with  a  surplus  on,  to  be 
sure  !     He  stands  on  the  nostrum  as  if  he  was  born  and  bred  an 
oratorio  all  his  life.     I  wish  the  President  was  here  to-night,  I  $ 
know  he'd  see  he  was  an  extr'ord'nary  young  man,  and  like  as  not 
appint  him  minister  extra'ord'nary,  instead  of  some  that   never 
preached  any  at  all." 

TEETH  PICKING. — An  Irishman  was  saying  that  he  once  saw  a 
person  beheaded  with  his  hands  tied  behind  him,  who  immediately 
picked  up  his  head,  and  put  it  on  his  shoulders  ! 

"  Ha,"  said  a  bystander,  "  how  could  he  pick  up  his  head,  with  \ 
his  hands  tied  behind  him  ?" 

"  Oh,"  said  Paddy,  "  you  fool,  couldn't  he  have  picked  it  up 
with  his  teeth  ?" 


BIBULOUS. — A  poor  drunken  loafer  was  picked  up  in  the  street. 
There  was  no  sense  in  his  head,  no  cents  in  his  pocket,  a  powerful 
scent  in  his  breath,  and  he  was  sent  to  the  watchhouse. 


L. 


CARPET-BAG      OF     FUN.  91 


LOVE. 


CAN'T  STAND  IT. — " Young  man.  do  you  know  what  relations 
you  sustain  in  this  world  ?"  said  a  minister  of  our  acquaintance  to 
a  young  member  of  the  church.  "  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  hopeful 
convert,  "  two  cousins  and  a  grandmother  •  but  I  don't  intend  to 
sustain  them  much  longer.'7 

ROMANCE  AND  REALITY. — Antithesis. — With  a  bound,  I  cleared 
the  paling  of  the  old  park;  with  rapid  strides  I  threaded  the  path 
through  the  venerable  trees ;  with  a  spring  I  mounted  the  steps, 
and  stood  once  more  in  the  ancient  hall  of  my  fathers.  Time,  the 
remorseless,  had  crumbled  its  walls,  but  the  loving  earth  had  sent 
up  the  green  and  tender  ivy  to  conceal  the  ravages  she  could  not 
repair.  The  outlines  of  the  old  mansion  remained,  each  familiar 
room  was  there,  but  the  soul  that  once  animated  this  lifeless  body 
had  gone — the  family  which  once  tenanted  these  walls,  was  scat- 
tered and  gone  for  ever  !  In  an  agony  of  grief,  I  cried,  "  Where 
are  ye  ?  the  lo  /ed  and  the  lost !  Where  are  the  friends  of  my 
boyhood — when  ?"  Echo  answered — "  0  yeou  git  out,  now ;  I 
don't  know  any  such  persons  I" 

AUTHORS  A*  3  SOLDIERS. — Why  are  authors  who  treat  about 
physiognomy  liixe  soldiers  ?  Because  they  write  about  face. 


92  MRS.    PARTING-TON'S 


COMPLIMENTARY. — A  countryman  applied  to  a  solicitor  for  legal 
advice.      After  detailing  the  circumstances  of  the  case,  he  was  \ 
asked  if  he  had  stated  the  facts  exactly  as  they  had  occurred.     "  O, 
ay  sir,"  rejoined  he,  "I  thought  it  better  to  tell  you  the  plain 
truth ;  you  can  put  the  lies  to  it  yourself." 


A   STRING    OF    EPITAPHS. 

u  Weep,  stranger,  for  a  father  spilled 
From  a  stage-coach,  and  thereby  killed : 
His  name  was  John  Sykes,  a  maker  of  sassengers, 
Slain  with  three  other  outside  passengers." 

"  Here  lies  the  body  of  James  Monk, 
Suddenly  drowned  when  he  was  drunk  , 
He  paid  his  score,  and  cheated  no  man— 
De  mortius  nil  nisi  bonum." 

"  Hie  jacet,  Tom  and  Titus  Tressel, 
Lost  by  the  swamping  of  their  vessel. 
A  leak  she  sprung  and  settled  fast  j 
Payment  of  Nature's  debt  was  asked, 
And  it  was  paid — the  debtors  failing 
To  give  security  by  bailing. 
Full  many  a  storm  they  nobly  braved, 
And  tho'  they're  lost,  we  hope  they're  saved." 

"Here  I  lays, 
Killed  by  a  chaise." 

"  Here  I  lie, 
Killed  by  a  sky- 
Rocket  in  the^eye." 

HINT  TO  LOVERS. — Did  you  ever  enjoy  the  exquisite  bliss  of 
?  courting  !     If  you  did  not,  you  had  better  git  a  little  gal-zn-try  ! 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


93    i 


EXCHANGE,  NO  ROBBERY  — A  friend  tells  us  a  good  story  of  a 
Yankee  clock-pedlar  down  South,  which  among  other  things,  may 
perhaps  account  for  the  peculiar  favor  with  which  that  class  of 
chevaliers  are  regarded  in  that  region.  He  took  with  him,  in  a 
long  Connecticut  covered  wagon,  forty  clocks,  and  sold  and  "  put 
'em  up,'r  along  the  country,  in  one  direction,  warranting  them  to 
keep  "  first-rate  time.'''  He  exhausted  his  supply  with  hut  a  single 


94  MRS.    PARTI NGTON'S 


i  exception  ,  and  then,  with  unparalleled  assurance,  he  turned  about 
|  and  retraced  his  course.  The  last  person  to  whom  he  had  sold  a 
s  clock,  hailed  him  as  he  was  going  by  : — "  Look  'o  here,  stranger, 
|  that  clock  you  sold  me,  aint  worth  a  continental  cuss.  'Twont  go 
at  all  !"  "  You  don't  say  so  !  Then  you  must  ha'  got  it.  Square  ! 
See,  the  fact  is,  I  find  by  my  numbers  that  there  was  one  o'  my 
clocks — I  had  forty  on  ?ern  when  I  first  sot  out — that  I  am  a  lettle  j 
afraid  on :  it  was  condemned  to-hum  'for  I  come  away  j  but  some  j 
how  or  'nother  it  got  put  into  tb.3  wagon.  What's  the  number  o' 
your  clock,  Square  ?"  u  Fourteen  thousand  and  one,"  replied  his 
victim.  "  That's  jest  the  blasted  thing  !"  exclaimed  the  pedlar. 
"I'll  chang'  with  yeou;  yeou  take  my  last  one,  and  I'll  take  this 
hum.  The  works  are  good,  I  guess ;  on'y  want  fixin'  a  leetle." 
The  exchange  was  made  ;  and  all  along  the  road  the  pedlar  was 
similarly  arrested  by  his  dupes,  who  were  similarly  duped  in  return. 
He  took  every  successive  bad  clock  to  his  next  customer,  and 
received  another  bad  clock  for  the  next. 

A  COOL  PHILOSOPHER. — A  young  chap  boarded  at  one  of  the 
hotels  in  San  Francisco,  and  managed  for  a  long  time,  by  one  arti- 
fice or  another,  to  postpone  the  payment  of  his  bill.  At  last,  the 
landlord  became  quite  impatient,  and  stepping  up  to  his  boarder, 
slapped  him  gently  on  his  shoulder,  and  asked  him  for  some  money. 
"  I  have  not  a  red  cent  about  me  at  present,"  was  the  laconic 
reply.  "  But,  my  dear  sir,"  said  the  landlord,  "  I  cannot  afford 
to  keep  a  boarding-house  without  being  paid."  "  Well,  sir,"  ex- 
claimed our  young  philosopher,  "if  you  cannot  afford  it,  sell  out 
to  somebody  who  can  !" 

A  DEPUTY  WANTED. — "  I  can't  speak  in  public — never  done  such 
a  thing  in  all  my  life,"  said  a  chap  the  other  night  at  a  public 
meeting,  who  had  been  called  upon  to  hold  forth,  "  but  if  anybody 
in  the  orDwd  will  speak  for  me,  I'll  hold  his  hat.n 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  95 


LEAN  CATTLE  AND  SEVERAL  BULLS. — They  tell  a-'.^ood  story  of 
a  son  of  the  brightest  gem  of  the  sea,  who  was  a  butcher.  He 
was  asked  by  another  of  his  nation,  the  condition  of  the  cattle  he  \ 
was  called  upon  to  slaughter.  To  the  query,  he  replied : — "  Good 
condition  !  it  took  two  of  us  to  hold  one  up,  while  another  knocked 
him  down !"  "  Tut  !'1  said  the  other,  who  saw  that  there  was 
something  wrong,  "could  not  you  have  knocked  it  down  as  it  lay!1' 


TO    A    LADY. 
WHO  ASKED  PROFESSOR  WHEWELL  FOR  A  CYPHER. 

You  0  a  0,  but  I  0  thee, 
0  0  no  0,  but  0  0  me. 
0  let  them  my  0  my  0  be, 
And  give  back  0  0  I  0  tl.ee. 


ANSWER   TO   THE    OTPHEB,. 

You  sigh  for  a  cipher,  but  1  sigh  for  thee, 

0,  sigh  for  no  cypher,  but,  O,  sigh  for  me, 

0  let,  then,  my  sigh  for  my  cypher  be, 

And  give  back  sigh  for  sigh — for  I  sigh  for  thee  ! 


MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


A  CooLintPiRATiON. — "  Hello,  there,  cap  ting  !"  said  a  Brother 
Jonathan-^ to  the  captain  of  a  canal  packet  on  the  Erie  canal, 
"  what  dc  you  charge  for  a  passage  ?" 

"  Thi-ee  cents  per  mile  and  boarded,"  said  the  captain. 

"  Well,  guess  I'll  take  a  passage,  capting,  seein'  as  how  Fra 
kinder  gin  eout  walking  so  far." 

Accordingly  he  got  on  board  just  as  the  steward  was  ringing 
the  bell  for  dinner.  Jonathan  sat  down  and  began  to  demolish 
the  "  fixins"  to  the  Mtter  consternation  of  the  captain,  until  he  had 
cleared  the  table  of  ill  that  was  eatable,  when  he  got  up  and  went 
on  the  deck,  picking  his  teeth  very  comfortably. 

"  How  far  is  it,  capting,  from  here  to  where  I  came  on  board  ?" 

"  Nearly  one  and  a  half  mile,"  said  the  captain. 

"  Let's  see,"  said  Jonathan,  "  that  would  be  just  four  and  a 
[  half  cents-;  but  never  mind,  capting,  I  won't  be  small ;  here's  five 
cents,  which  pays  my  fare  to  here,  I  guess  I'll  go  ashore  now:  I'm 
kinder  rested  eout." 

The  captain  vamosed  for  the  cabin,  and  Jonathan  went  ashore. 
The  captain  did  not  take  any  more  "way  passengers"  the  remainder 
of  the  summer. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  97 


MIGHTY  CUTE  ! — Two  cotton  wagons  meeting  on  the  road  to 
Augusta,  Georgia,  the  following  dialogue  took  place  between  the 
drivers  :  "  Wat's  cotton,  in  Augusta  ?"  says  the  one  with  a  load. 

"Cotton,"  says  the  other. 

The  inquirer,  supposing  himself  not  to  be  understood,  repeats, 
u  what's  cotton  in  Augusta  ?" 

"  It's  cotton,"  says  the  other. 

"  J  know  that,"  says  the  first,  "  but  what  is  it?" 

"  Why,"  says  the  other,  "  I  tell  you  it  is  cotton !  Cotton  is 
cotton  in  Augusta,  and  everywhere  else,  that  ever  I  heard  of." 

" I  know  that  as  well  as  you,"  says  the  first,  "but  what  does 
cotton  bring  in  Augusta  ?" 

"  Why,  it  brings  nothing  there,  but  every  body  brings  cotton." 

C;  Look  here,"  says  the  first  wagoner,  with  an  oath,  "  you  had 
better  leave  the  state :  for  Fll  be  d— d  if  you  don't  know  too 
much  for  Georgia." 

A  STRIKING  LIKENESS. — "  Look  a  here,  ma !"  said  a  young  lady 
just  commencing  to  take  lessons  in  painting,  holding  up  a  sample  j 
of  her  skill  to  her  mother,  u  See  rny  painting !  can  you  tell  what 
this  is  ?"     Ma,  after  looking  at  it  sometime,  answered,  "  Well,  I 
reckon  it's  a  cow  or  a  rose,  but  I  don't  know  which." 


A  REFLECTION. — An  Irish  musician,  who  now  and  then  indulged 
in  a  glass  too  much,  was  accosted  by  a  gentleman  with — 

"  Pat,  what  makes  your  face  so  red  ?" 

"  Please  yer  honor,"  said  Pat,  "  I  always  blush  when  I  speak 
lo  a  gentleman." 

CANDID  STATEMENT. — An  honest  lady  in  the  country,  when  told 
of  her  husband's  death,  exclaimed — "  Well,  I  do  declare,  our 
troubles  never  come  alone  !  It  ain't  a  week  since  I  lost  my  best 
hen,  and  now  Mr.  Hooper  has  gone  too,  poor  mar-. !" 

5 


98  MRS.    PARTINQTON'S 


LUCRE. 

A  RYHME  FOR  THE  BLOOMERS. — Cut  off  those  ugly  skirts,  girls; 
they're  only  in  the  way  ;  and  when  you  make  a  whirl,  girls,  and 
come  the  quick  chassee ;  there'll  be  no  mud  a  flying,  girls,  or 
stockings  grimmed  with  dirt ;  then  cease  this  useless  crying,  girls, 
and.  off  at  once  the  skirt.  With  Turkish  pants  and  frock,  girls, 
you're  masters  of  the  State ;  to  skip  and  hop  and  run,  girls,  with 
joy  and  ease  elate; — then  where's  the  naughty  man,  girls,  can 
catch  you  in  a  race  ?  There's  not  one  lives  that  can,  girls,  unless 
it  is  by  "  grace."  Then  don  the  pretty  pants,  girls,  and  throw 
those  skirts  away ;  and  as  through  life  you  prance,  girh  you'll  bless 
the  changing  day.  Well  you  will." 

BUBAL   FELICITY. 

When  at  eve  thou  sit'st  reclining 

By  thy  quiet  cottage  door, 
And  the  sun's  last  rays  are  shining 

On  the  smooth  and  polished  floor, 
Then  thy  thoughts  are  blissward  tending, 

And  warm  emotions  like  a  flood, 
When  an  urchin  softly  whispers, 

li  Daddy,  Bill  won't  saw  that  wooa  /" 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


99 


t  USED  TO  HANGING. — An  Irishman  and  a  Frenchman  were  to  be 
j  hanged  together.  The  latter  was  strongly  affected  by  his  situation, 
while  Paddy  took  it  very  easy,  and  told  his  companion  to  keep  up 
his  spirits,  for  it  was  nothing  at  all  to  be  hanged.  u  Ah,  be  gar  !" 
says  the  Frenchman,  "  there  be  von  grand  difference  between  you 
and  me,  for  you  Irishman  are  used  to  it." 

SETTLING  A  JUDGE. — Said  one  of  the  judges  to  a  blunt  Quaker, 
who  was  on  the  stand,  "  Pray  sir,  do  you  know  what  we  sit  here 
for?"  "Yea,  verily  do  I,"  said  the  Quaker,  "three  of  ye  for 
four  dollars  each  day,  and  the  fat  one  in  the  middle  for  four  thou- 
sand dollars  a  year." 

HARD  TO  BEAT. — A  man  named  Stone  exclaimed  in  a  tavern, 
"  I'll  bet  a  dollar  I  have  the  hardest  name  in  the  country." 
"  Done,"  said  one  of  the  company :  "  what's  your  name  ?"  Stone 
cried  the  first.  "  Hand  me  the  money,"  said  the  other,  "  my  namt» 
is  Harder." 


MODERN  SCIENCE. — "  Do  you  think  people  are  troubled  as  mucn 
with  flea-bottomary  now,  doctor,  as  they  used  to  be  before  they 
discovered  the  anti-bug  bedstead  ?"  asked  Mrs.  Partington  of  a 
doctor  of  the  old  school,  who  attended  the  family  where  she  was 
staying.  "  Phlebotomy,  madam,"  said  the  doctor,  gravely,  "is  a 
remedy,  not  a  disease."  "  Well,  well,"  replied  she  ;  "  no  wonder 
one  gets  'em  mixed  up,  there  is  so  many  of  'em  :  we  never  heard 
in  old  times  of  trousers  in  the  throat,  or  embargoes  in  the  head,  or 
neuorology  all  over  us,  or  consternation  in  the  bowels,  as  we  do 
nowadays.  But  it's  an  ill  wind  that  don't  blow  nobody  good,  and 
\  the  doctors  flourish  on  it  like  a  green  baize  tree.  But  of  course  they 
don't  have  anything  to  do  with  it — they  can't  make  'em  come 
or  go." 


100  MRS. 

THE  SOtf  G  OF  THE  JILTED. 

A  sweeter  girl  I  never  knew 

Than  Juliana  Lownds, 
A  lump  of  loveliness  to  view, 

Who  weighed  two  hundred  pounds. 

And  every  hour  of  every  day. 

With  glances  warm  as  tinder, 
I  watched  my  charmer  o'er  the  way, 

As  she  worked  by  a  winder. 

Alas  !  how  human  hopes  decay — 
How  love's  repasts  grow  colder — 

We  dine  on  strawberries  to-day, 
To-morrow  get  cold  shoulder. 

False  Juliana  cast  me  by, 

And  wedded  with  a  baker  ; 
We  had  a  fight — I  blacked  his  eye, 

And  let  the  loafer  take  her. 

RICH  LIVING. — An  Irishman  who  lives  with  a  Grahamite  writes 
to  a  friend,  that  if  he  wants  to  know  what  illigant  living  is,  he 
must  come  to  his  house,  where  the  breakfast  consists  of  nothing, 
and  the  supper  of  what  is  left  at  breakfast. 


A  PROFESSOR  OF  THE  BLACK  ART. 


CARPET-BAG     OF      FUN.  101 


D VANTAGES  OF  Low  PRICES. — A  Gentleman  in  one  of  the 
steamboats  asked  the  steward,  when  he  came  round  to 
collect  the  passage-money  (Is,  each  for  the  best  cabin.) 
if  there  was  DO  danger  of  being  blown  up  ?  The 
steward  promptly  replied,  "  No,  sir,  not  the  least :  we 
cannot  afford  to  blow  up  at  these  low  prices." 


A  BLACK  SUBJECT- — At  a  negro  camp  meeting  held  when  such 
assemblies  were  less  rare  than  they  are  at  present,  the  speaker  in 
depicting  the  horrors  of  eternal  punishment,  reiterated  the  phrase 
— "  There  shall  be  weeping,  and  wailing,  and  gnashing  of  teeth, '' 
accompanying  the  last  expression  with  an  appropriate  movement 
of  the  lower  jaw.  It  so  happened  that  a  gray  old  sinner  had 
obtained  possession  of  one  of  the  seats  on  the  stag 5,  where  he  sat, 
at  every  recurrence  of  this  phrase,  rubbing  his  toothless  gums  with 
a  grin  of  complacent  satisfaction,  that  greatly  disturbed  the  grav- 
ity of  the  beholders.  It  was  some  time  before  the  speaker  disco- 
vered what  was  distracting  the  attention  of  his  audience,  but  when 
I  he  did  he  turned  to  the  offender,  and  with  redoubled  earnestness 
(  exclaimed,  "  and  dem  what's  got  no  teeth  '*'//  hob  to  gum  it !" 


AN  AFFECTING  APPEAL. — A  learned  counsellor,  in  the  middle 

I  of  an  affecting  appeal  in  court  on  a  slander  suit,  let  fly  the  follow- 

;  ing  flight  of  genius : — "  Slander,  gentlemen,  like  a  boa  constrictor 

|  of  gigantic  size  and  immeasurable  proponions,  wiaus  the  coil  of 

I  its  unwieldy  body  about  its  unfortunate  victim,  ir.a  r-^edlesc  of 

I  the  shrieks  of  agony  that  come  from  the  imfcMO  Icpths  of  its  victiir  V- 

.  soul,  loud  and  reverberating  as  the  migiity  thunder  tha»  i'olls  i?. 

i  the  heavens,  it  finally  breaks  its  unlucly  neck  upon  the  >ron  wheel 

of  public  opinion,  forcing  him  to  de<neration,  then  to  mauness,  and 

finally  crushing  him  in  tlie  hideous  jaws  of  moral  death.     Judge, 

give  us  a  ckiw  of  tobacco  ! 


102 


AN  ABSENT  YOUTH. — A  gentleman  dinmg  at  a  fashionable 
hotel,  whose  servants  were  "  lew  and  far  between,"  despatched  a 
lad  among  them  for  a  cut  of  beef.  After  a  long  time  the  lad  re- 
turned, and  placing  it  before  the  faint  and  hungry  gentleman,  was 
asked,  "  Are  you  the  lad  who  took  away  my  plate  for  this  beef?" 
"Yes,  sir."  "Bless  me,"  resumed  the  hungry  wit,  ''how  you 
have  grown !" 

A  NUT  FOR  THE  LADIES. — "  How,"  said  Lord  A.,  to  a  friend 
who  wished  to  convey  a  matter  of  importance  to  a  lady  wkhout 
communicating  directly  with  her,  "  how  can  you  be  certain  of  her 
reading  the  letter,  seeing  that  you  have  directed  it  to  her  husband  ?" 
— "  That  I  have  managed  without  the  possibility  of  a  failure," 
was  the  answer.  "  She'll  open  it  to  a  certainty,  for  I  have  put 
•  private'  in  the  corner." 

RISING  YOUTH. — A  gentleman  the  other  day  visiting  a  school, 
had  a  book  put  into  his  hand  for  the  purpose  of  examining  a  class. 
The  word  "  inheritance"  occurring  in  the  verse,  the  querist  inter- 

j  rogated  the  youngster  as  follows:  "What  is  inheritance?"     A. 

!"  Patrimony." — "What  is  patrimony?"     A.  "A  something  left 

!  by  a  father."—"  What  would  you  call  it  if  left  by  a  mother  ?" 

'  A.     "  Matrimony." 

j      MAKING  LIGHT  OF  LIVER. — We  remember  of  hearing  of  an  old 
\  lady  "  down  cast,"  who,  after  having  kept  a  hired  man  on  liver 
rear  am;.:!:.,  ?-:,  dcv  s<a^  to  .Vm  :  uMr.,  I  don't  know  as  you  like 
|  ]!ver.j:     ''Oh,  y?-:/'  n«»-id  h3,  "  I  like  it  very  well  for  fifty  or  sixty 
j  Meals,  -jut  I  don't  tnin>  I  should  like  it  for  a  steady  diet."     The 
parsimoniowS  old  lady  sen  :/J.  up  something  else  for  the  next  colla- 
tion. 

Why  do  people  go  to  bed  ?     Because  they  are  tired. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  103 


DICK  DALEY'S  STUMP  SPEECH. — Feller  Citizens. — This  are  a 
day  for  the  poperlation  o'  Boonville,  like  a  bob-tailed  pullet  on  a 
rickeHy  hen-roost,  to  ^e  a  lookin'  up-wp  /  A  crisis  has  arriven — 
an'  somethm's  bust !  Wl:<ire  are  we  ?  all  in  a  bunch.  Where  am 
I?  here  I  is,  an'  I'd  stand  here  an'  expliate  from  now  till  the  day 
o7  synagogues  if  you'd  whoop  for  Dailey  !  Feller  Citizens — Jeru- 
j  salem's  to  pay,  an'  we  haint  got  any  pitch.  Our  hyperbolical  an' 
majestic  canal  boat  o'  creation  has  onshipped  her  rudder,  and  the 
Captin's  broke  his  neck;  an'  the  cook's  div  to  the  depths  o'  the 
"  vasty  deep"  in  search  o'  dimuns  !  Our  wigwam's  torn  to  pieces, 
like  a  shirt  on  a  brush  fence,  an'  isty  of  the  geography  of  these  ere 
latitudes  is  a  vanishin'  in  a  blue  flame !  Are  such  things  to  be 
did  ?  I  ask  you  in  the  name  of  the  AMERICAN  EAGLE,  who  whipped 
the  shaggy-headed  Lion  o'  Great  Britain,  an  now  sits  roostin'  on 
the  magnetic  telegraph,  if  sich  doins  is  a-goin  to  be  conglomerated? 
I  repeat  it  to  you  in  the  name  o'  that  glorious  peacock  o'  liberty 
when  he's  flewing  o'er  the  cloud  capped  summits  o'  the  Rocky 
Mountains,  if  we's  goin'  to  be  extemporaneously  biogyogged  in 
this  fashion  ? 

u  Oh,  answer  me  ! 
Let  me  not  bust  in  ignorance  !" 
as  Shakespeel  says.     Shall  we  be  bamboozlefied  with  sich  unmiti- 


104  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


gated  oudaeiousness.    Methinks  I  hear  you  yelp — "  No,  air — hoss  V1 
Then  'lect  me  to  Congress  an'  there  will  be  a  revolution.     Feller 
Citizens — If  I  was  a  standin'  on  the  adamantine  throne  of  Jupiter 
an'  the  lightnin's  was  a  elashin'  arotind  me,  I'd  continue  to  spout !  \ 
I'm  full  o'  the  bilin  lather  of  Mount  Etny,  an'  1  won't  be  quench-  C 
ed  !     I've  sprung  a  leak,  an'  I  must  howl  like  a  bear  with  a  sore  \ 
head.     Flop  together  ! — -jump  into  the  ranks — an'  hear  me  thro'  !  * 
Feller  Citizens — You  know  me,  an'  rip  my  lungs  out  with  a  nail- ; 
grab  if  I  wouldn't  stick  to  yer  like  brick-dust  to  a  bar  o'  soap.  ; 
Where  is  my  opponent  ? — no  where  !     He  aint  a  cat-bird  in  a  gar-  > 
ret  to  me  !     I  was  brought  up  among  you,  feller  citizens,  an'  he  j 
was  papped  in  a  scholl  house ;  but  he  can't  git  me  with  his  high-  r 
falootin  words.     Hictum,  stictum,  albroanto,  catnip,  Brazil,  Tagla-  > 
oney,  an>  Boffins  Bay  !  !     What  do  you  think  o'  that  ? 

"  Go  it,  Porky,  root  hog.  or  d— i— e  !" 

as  Shakespeel  said   when   Cesar   stabbed  him  in  the   House  o'  j 
Representatives. 

Feller  Citizens — Elect  me  to  Congress,  an'  I'll  abolish  mad  j 
dogs,  muskeeters,  an'  bad  cents.  I'll  go  in  for  the  teetotal  annihi-  j 
l.ition  of  nigger  camp-meetins  and  jails.  I'll  repudiate  crows,  an'  \ 
ilustify  hen-hawks.  I'll  have  barn  raisin's  every  day — (Sundays  I 
excepted) — an'  liker  enough  to  swim  a  skunk.  Yes,  feller  citizens,  \ 
elect  me  to  Congress,  an'  I  shall  be  led  to  exclaim  in  the  sublime  t 
— the  terrific  language  of  Bonyparte,  when  a  preachin7  in  the  < 
wilderness — 

"  Richard's  himself  again  !" 

On,  then,  onward  to  the  polls — "  gallop  apace,  my  fiery-footed 
steeds,"  an'  make  the  welkin  tremble  with  anti-spasmodic  yells  for 
Daley  !  Cock  yer  muskits — Fm  eonr'n — 

"  Hence  ye   Brutus,  broaa-axe  an  glory." 
Letrg  licker ! 


CARPET-BAG     OP     FUN. 


105 


A  SLIGHT  MISTAKE. — "  What  carroty-headed  little  brat  IB  that, 
madam,  do  you  know  his  name?" 

"  Why,  yes,  that's  my  youngest  son  !" 

"  You  don't  say  so,  indeed  !  Why,  what  a  dear  little,  sweet, 
dove-eyed  cherub  he  is,  to  be  sure." 


STRONG  AFFECTION. — There  is  a  man  who  says  he  has  been  at 
evening  parties  out  west,  where  the  boys  and  girls  hug  so  hard 
that  their  sides  cave  in.  He  says  he  has  many  of  his  own  ribs 
broken  that  very  way. 

MURDER   IN    POETRY. 

Abel  began  to  talk  somewhat  as  follows  : — 

"  That  was,  my  dear,  a  molancholy, 

Attrocious  case  of  murder — warn't  it  Polly  ?" 

"  Murder  !"  exclaimed  the  woman  with  a  stare, 

"I  haven't  heard  of  any  I  declare  !" 

"  Well,  then,  you  know  the  butcher,  Mr.  Corning, 

Who  lives  up  town — well,  ma'am  this  very  morning    — 

("  A  most  abandoned  man — upon  my  life, 

I  thought  'twas  him  !"  observed  the  sapient  wife,) 

"  Well,  ma'am,  while  he  was  busy  at  his  trade, 

A  boy  of  five  years  old  around  him  played — 

As  harmless  and  as  beautiful  a  child 

As  ever  lived — so  innocent  and  mild" — 

("  0,  what  a  brutal  deed  !"  exclaimed  the  wife.) 

"  Well  ma'am  this  dreadful  butcher  raised  his  knife  — 

"  And  killed  the  child  /"  exclaimed  his  '<  better  half.  ' — 

"0,  no  he  didn't  ma'am— he  killed  the  calf!" 

SOMJC  WHISKERS. — "  Well,  John,  I  am  going  east,  wfc  it  ehall  I 
|  tell  your  folks  ?"     "  Oh.  nothing;  only  if  they  say  anytf  -«*H 
j  whiskers,  just  tell  them  I've  got  some." 


106  MRS.     PARTINGTOy's 

BARKING  UP  THE  WRONG  TREE. — u  Will  you  not  answer  me  ?" 
continued  Sei  h,  ;'  will  not  those  dear  lips,  like  sweet  music  mur- 
mur that  simple  word  YES,  that  shall  make  me  happy?  Still 
silent  ?  silence,  tis  said,  gives  consent,  and  so  I  shall  augur  for  my 
plea — by  this  kiss,  then,  (Seth  was  getting  on  fast,)  let  us  seal  the 
bond  whose  effect  will  be  to  make  us  companions  through  our 
earthly  pilgrimage,"  and  Seth  bent  forward  to  taste  the  honey  of 
her  dewy  lips,  when  suddenly  the  door  opened,  and  Mrs.  Ware  and 
Louise  appeared  on  the  threshold,  and  the  light  the  latter  bore 
shedding  its  rays  over  the  room,  disclosed  a  singular  scene — Seth 
leaning  over  the  grandfather's  chair,  holding  one  of  his  hands  in 
his  own,  and  in  the  act  of  tenderly  embracing  him. 


LOOK  ON  THIS  PICTURE  AND  ON  THIS  ! — Matrimony — Hot  Buck- 
wheat cake — comfortable  slippers — smoking  coffee — buttons — re- 
deemed stockings — boot  jacks — happiness.  Bachelorism — Sheet 
iron  quilts, — blue  noses — frosty  rooms — ice  in  the  pitcher — unre- 
generated  linen — heelless  stockings — coffee  sweetened  with  icicles 
— gutta  percha  biscuits — flabby  steak — dull  razors — corns — coughs 
and  colics — rhubarb— aloes — misery. 


BROADWAY RIDE   UP,    PLENTY    OF   ROOM   INSIDM. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  107 


"NOT-A  BENK." 

A  ship  once  crossing  over  the  sea, 
(I  tell  the  story  as  'twas  told  to  me.) 
Made  a  hundred  miles  or  so  from  shore, 
When  a  craft  was  one  day  seen,  that  bore 
Her  flag  reversed,  while  'gainst  the  mast 
The  torn  sails  fluttered  as  the  wind  rushed  past. 

Out  with  the  boat !  the  captain  cried. 

And  the  seamen  darted  over  the  side ; 

Their  oars  fell  in  with  a  regular  dip, 

As  they  rapidly  neared  the  silent  ship  ; 

When  they  reached  the  deck  a  sight  met  their  eyes 

Which  made  them  start  with  fearful  surprise. 

>s 

All  around  on  the  deck  the  crew  were  lying, 

And  groaning  aloud  as  though  they  were  dying ; 

The  captain  alone  on  a  hen-coop  sat, 

With  his  face  in  his  hands  and  a  weed  on  his  hat ; 

He  gazed  on  them  all  with  a  blood-shot  eye, 

And  the  crew  looked  up  with  a  heart-rending  sigh. 

"  Say,  why  do  you  raise  the  flag  of  distress, 

And  sit  around  the  deck  in  idleness  ? 

Are  you  out  of  food  ?  have  you  used  up  your  water  ? 

Have  you  got  the  plague?  or  what  is  the  matter  ?" 

"  We  come  from  Beverly,  and  the  flag  you  have  seen 

Is  because  that  for  three  days  we  haint  had  a  darned  bean  /" 

GREEN  FRUIT. — An  epitaph  in  Washington  for  a  little  boy,  who 
reil  a  victim  to  a  prevailing  disease,  reads  as  follows, 
<;  The  little  hero  who  lies  here, 
Was  conquered  by  the  diarrhoea." 


108  MRS. 

MRS.  PARTINGTON  AT  TEA. — "  Adulterated  tea  !"  said  Mrs. 
Partington,  as  she  read  an  account  of  the  adulteration  of  teas  in 
England,  at  which  she  was  much  shocked.  "  I  wonder  if  this  is 
adulterated  ?"  and  she  bowed  her  head  over  the  steaming  and  fra- 
grant decoction  in  the  cup  before  her,  whose  genial  odors  mingled 
with  the  silvery  vapor,  and  encircled  her  venerable  poll  like  a 
halo.  :'  It  smells  virtuous,"  continued  she,  smiling  with  satisfac- 
tion, "  and  I  know  this  Shoo-shon  tea  must  be  good,  because  1 
bought  it  of  Mr.  Shoo-shon  himself.  Adulterated  !"  she  meander- 
ed  on,  pensively  as  a  brook  in  June,  "  and  it's  agin  the  seventh 
commandment,  too,  which  says  don't  break  that,  Isaac  !"  as 
she  saw  that  interesting  juvenile  amusing  himself  with  making  re- 
fracted sunbeams  dance  upon  the  wall,  and  around  the  dark  pro- 
file, and  among  the  leaves  of  the  sweet  fern,  like  yellow  butterflies 
or  fugitive  chips  of  new  June  butter.  The  alarm  for  her  crockery 
dispelled  all  disquietude  about  the  tea,  and  she  sipped  her  bever- 
age, all  oblivious  of  dele-tea-rious  infusions. 

\      ON  A  "  BUST." — A  countryman  making  a  visit  to  the  city,  went 
|  to  have  his  daguerreotype  taken,  and  was  told  by  the  operator  to 

sit  perfectly  still  and  not  move  even  his  lips.  Drawing  in  a  long 
j  breath  he  closed  his  lips  tight.  After  sitting  a  minute  or  more 
<  this  way,  gradually  getting  redder  and  redder  until  he  somewhat 
j  resembled  a  beet,  he  began  to  get  impatient.  Wating  a  little 

longer,  he  burst  out — 

"  Say,  veou,  if  yeou  don't  get  through  pretty  soon  I'll  bust." 

FINISHED  HER  EDUCATION. — "Ah,"  said  old  Mrs.  Doosenbury. 
"  laming  is  a  great  thing ;  I've  often  felt  the  want  of  it.  Why, 
would  you  believe  it,  I'm  now  sixty  years  old,  and  only  know  the 
names  of  three  months  in  the  year,  and  them's  spring,  fall,  and , 
autumn;  1  larnt  the  names  of  them  when  I  was  a  leetle  bit  of 
a  gal !" 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  109 


OVELY  YOUTH. — "Poppy  the  corn's 
up." 

"  The  corn  up  ?  Why  I  only  plant- 
ed it  yesterday." 

"  I  know  that — but  the  hog&  got  M 
last  night,  and  guv  it  a  lift  you  hadn't 
counted  on." 

Scene  closes  with  a  grand  tableaux 
in  the  midst  of  which  poppy  seizes  a 
poker  and  rushes  out. 

A  DARNED  SUBJECT. — A  female 
writer  says,  "  Nothing  looks  worse  on 
a  lady  than  darned  stockings."  Allow 

us  to  observe  that  stockings  which  need  darning  look  much  worse 

than  darned  ones — Darned  if  they  don't ! 

HARD  ON  THE  DOCTORS. — ft.  doctor  who  had  just  set  up  in  busi- 
|  ness  with  no  very  flattering  success  so  far,  informed  a  friend  that 
j  "  he  had  begun  to  lose  his  patience." 
j      ':  Not  at  all  strange,"  replied  his  friend,  "  for  there  are  some  old 

]  doctors  in  this  city  doing  that  all  the  time." 

)  

j 

|      IRISH  MODERATION. — An  Irishman  left  a  demand  with  a  lawyer. 

a  friend  of  ours,  for  collection,  with  directions  te  have  a  letter  sent 

before  any  suit  was  commenced.     "  What  shall  I  write  about  it  ?" 

asked  the  lawyer.     To  which  Pat  replied,  "  why  your  honor  will 

)  plaze  begin  a  little  moderate  in  the  matter,  jest  calling  him  a 

\  devil  of  a  spalpeen  and  nigligent  puppy,  and  so  commingon  sharper 

till  ye  reach  to  the  bottom  of  the  chapter." 


ASPIRATION  OF  A  HUSBAND.— Oh.  that  the  fashions   vvould  last 
as  long  as  the  bonnets. 


110 


A  SAUCY  DOCTOR. — "  Why,  doctor,"  said  a  sick  lady,  "  you  give 
me  the  same  medicine  that  you  are  giving  my  husband.  Why  is 
that?"  "All  right,"  replied  the  doctor,  "what  is  sauce  for  the 
gnose  is  sauce  for  the  gander." 

REVOLUTIONARY  TIMES. — "Husband!  husband!  wake  up,  there's 
turble  rumpus  going  on  !"  said  an  old  lady  way  down  east, 
rousing  her  sleeping  partner,  with  divers  punches  in  the  ribs,  one 
ni^ht  in  the  "  times  that  tried  men's  souls." 

"  What  on  arth's  the  matter,  Jerushy  ?"  grunted  the  old  man,  j 
I  not  a  little   out   at   his   rest   being   broken   in   this   unexpected 


"  Wei,  I  donno  what  'tis,  but  it  was  the  most  orful  racket  I  ever 
hearn.  It  pears  to  me  its  either  the  day  of  judgement  or  the 
British." 

The  old  Continentaller  got  up,  and  taking  his  old  rifle  down 
from  the  hooks  where  she  hung,  proceeded  to  put  in  a  double  charge, 
pick  the  flint  and  prepare  for  an  emergency. 

Surveying  these  hasty  preparations  with  evident  satisfaction  he 
added, 

"  An'  so  you  think  it's  either  the  day  o'  judgment,  or  the  British  ! 
Wai'  continued  he,  in  a  tone  of  firm  decision,  "  let  'm  come  on ; 
I  bel»eve  I'm  ready  cocked  and  primed  for  either  of  them." 

A  Sr«\MER  LOST  ! — A  boy  on  board  of  one  of  the  Gulf  of  Mexico  j 
steamers,  got  up  quite  a  panic  among  the  passengers  recently.    He 
bolted  suddenly  into  the  cabin  one  morning,  before  the  passengers 
had  fairly  rubbed  their  eyes  open,  exclaiming — "  We  are  lost  /"  j 
"  Lost  /"   exclaimed  another.     "  Lost  /"   screamed  out  the  whole  j 
crew.     "  Yes,  Lost  /"  said  the  lad,  astonished  at  the  alarm  he  had  j 
created,  "  1  know  we  are  because  the  captain's  on  the  top  of  the 
ho'ise  and  another  man's  upon  the  mast,  a  looking  to  see  where 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


Ill 


N  GLUTTONY. — you  shouldn't  be 
glutinous,  Isaac,"  said  Mrs.  Par- 
tington,  as  with  an  anxious  expres- 
sion she  marked  a  strong  effort 
that  the  young  gentleman  was 
making  to  achieve  the  last  quarter 
of  a  mince  pie.  "  You  shouldn't 
be  glutinous,  dear,  you  must  be 
careful,  or  you  will  get  something 
in  your  elementary  canal  or  sarcop- 
hagus one  of  those  days,  that  will 
kill  you,  Isaac  (she  had  heard  Dr. 
Weiting)  :  and  then  you  will  have 
to  be  buried  in  the  cold  ground, 
and  nobody  wont  never  see  you  no  more  j  and  what  will  I  do, 
Isaac  ?  when  you  are  cut  down  in  your  beauty  like  a  lovely  young 
cabbage  plant  in  the  garden  that  the  grubs  have  eat  off!"  Much 
afflicted  by  the  picture  her  prolific  fancy  had  conjured  up,  she 
pensively  sweetened  her  tea,  for  the  fourth  time,  and  looked 
earnestly  upon  Isaac,  who  heeding  all  that  she  was  saying,  sat 
gazing  at  the  street  door,  revolving  in  his  mind  the  practicability 
of  his  ringing  the  door  bell  unperceived,  without  going  outside. 

GOT  HIM  AT  LAST. — Mrs.  Jemima  Jipson  never  could  go  to  bed 
withour  first  looking  underneath  to  see  if  somebody  was  not  stowed 
away  there.  But  her  search  had  always  been  bootless.  At  last, 
however,  one  night  she  spied,  (or  thought  she  did,  which  is  all  the 
same)  the  long  looked  for  boots  and  legs.  "  Oh  !  Mr.  Jipson  !  Mr 
Jipson  !"  she  screamed  out,  "  there's  a  man  under  the  bed  !"  "  T* 
there  ?"  coolly  drawled  her  husband,  "  well,  my  dear,  I  am  gnu 


you  have  found  him  at  last. 
I  twenty  years." 

*^^%  *-v 


You  have  been  looking  for  him  these 


112  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


MRS.  PARTINGTON  AT  SEA. — "  There's  poor  Hardy  Lee  called 
I  again  !"  says  Mrs.  Partington  on  a  trip  to  Boston.     The  wind  was 
j  ahead,  and  the  vessel  had  to  beat  up.  and  the  order  to  put  the  helm  ? 
j  "  hard  a  lee"  had  been  heard  through  the  night.     "  Hardy   Lee  j 
i  again  !  I  declare ;  I  should  think  the  poor  creetur  would  be  com-  j 
5  pletely  exaspirated  with  fatigue  ;  and  I'm  certain  he  hasn't  eat  a 
blessed  mouthful  of  anything  all  the  while.     Captain,  do  call  the 
poor  creetur  down,  or  human  natur  can't  stand  it." 


A  TEMPERANCE  LECTURE. — "Daddy,  I  want  to  ask  you  a 
question."  "  Well,  my  son."  "  Why  is  neighbor  Smith's  liquor 
shop  like  a  counterfeit  dollar  ?"  "  I  can't  tell,  my  son."  "  Because 
you  cant  pass  it,"  said  the  boy. 

EMBRACING  THE  WIDOWS. — At  a  recent  meeting  of  a  parish,  a 
solemn,  straight-bodied,  and  most  exemplary  deacon,  submitted  a 
report  in  writing,  of  the  destitute  widows  and  others  standing  in 
need  of  assistance,  in  the  parish.  "Are  you  sure,  deacon,"  asked 
another  solemn  brother,  "  that  you  have  embraced  all  the  widows  ?" 
He  said  he  believed  he  had  done  so ;  but  if  any  been  omitted,  the 
omission  could  be  easily  corrected. 

A  NEW  SYRUP. — Very  much  confounded  was  Dr.  Doane,  a  few 
years  since,  by  a  remark  of  one  of  his  patients.  The  day  previous, 
)  the  doctor  had  prescribed  that  safe  and  palatable  remedy,  the  syrup 
of  buckthorn,  and  left  his  prescription  duly  written  in  the  usual 
cabalistic  characters — "  Syr.  Rham.  Cath."  On  inquiring  if  the 
patient  had  taken  the  medicine,  a  thunder  cloud  darkened  her  face, 
lightning  darted  from  her  eye,  as  she  roared  out :  "  No  !  I  can  read 
your  doctor  writing,  and  ain't  a  going  to  take  the  Syrup  of  Ram 
Cats  for  any  body  under  heaven  !" 

AN  HONEST  WISH. — Whatever  trials  I  may  have  to  suffer,  1 
hope  I  shall  never  experience  trial  by  jury. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  113 


WOMAN  S    RIGHTS. 

The  Marysville  Herald,  Cal.,  contains  the  following  advertise- 
ment : — 

A  HUSBAND  WANTED. — By  a  lady  who  can  wash,  cook,  scour, 
sew,  milk,  sweep,  spin,  weave,  hoe  (can't  plough),  cut  wood,  make 
fires,  feed  the  pigs,  raise  chickens,  rock  the  cradle  (gold  rocker,  I 
thank  you,  sir),  saw  plank,  drive  nails,  &c.  These  are  a  few  of 
the  solid  branches:  now  for  the  ornamental.  "Long  time  ago" 
she  went  as  far  as  syntax,  in  Murray's  Geography,  and  through  j 
two  rules  in  Pike's  Grammar.  Could  find  six  states  on  the  Atlas.  ' 
Could  read,  and  you  see  she  can  write.  Can — no,  could  paint 
roses,  butterflies,  &c.,  but  now  she  can  paint  houses,  whitewash 
the  fences,  &c. ;  could  once  dance ;  can  ride  a  horse,  donkey,  or 
oxen ;  can  smoke,  chew,  and  swear  j  besides  a  great  many  things 
too  numerous  to  be  named  here.  Oh  !  I  hear  you  ask,  can  she 
scold  ?  No  she  can't,  you  good  for no . 

Now  for  her  terms.     Her  age  is  none  of  your  business  ;  she  is 
neither  handsome  nor  a  fright  •  yet  an  old  man  need  not  apply, 


114 


MRS.      P  ARTINGTON^S 


nor  any  who  has  not  a  littls  more  education  than  she  has,  and  a 
great  deal  more  gold — for  there  must  be  $20,000  settled  on  Ler 
before  she  will  bind  herself  to  perform  all  the  above,  for  a  good 
washer  and  ironer,  or  a  seamstress  alone  (of  another  color),  vary 
from  $1,000  to  $1,500.  Address,  with  real  name,  to  Dorothy 
Scraggs,  Post-Office,  Marysville,  post-paid. 


ENOUGH  TO  MAKE  ONE  CHOLERIC. — Carrying  politeness  to  ex- 
cess, is  said  to  be  raising  your  hat  to  a  young  lady  in  the  street 
and  allowing  a  couple  of  dirty  collars  and  a  pair  of  socks  to  fall 

out  upon  the  sidewalk. 

j  

\      FOUND  OUT. — A  wag  said  that,  in  journeying  lately,  he  was  put  j 
\  in  an  omnibus  with  a  dozen  persons,  of  whom  he  did  not  know  a  j 
!  single  one.     Turning  a  corner  shortly  after,  however,  the  omnibus 
j  was  upset.     "  And  then,"  said  he,  "  I  found  them  all  out." 


A  BARRISTER  POSED. — At  the  Limerick  Assizes,  a  witness  of 
the  "  lower  classes"  was  cross-examined  by  Mr.  Bennet,  the 
Queen's  counsel,  when  the  following  dialogue  took  place : — 

Counsel — "  Why  do  you  hesitate  to  answer  me  ?  You  look  at 
me  as  if  I  were  a  rogue." 

Witness — "  To  be  sure  I  do." 

Laughter  among  the  spectators. 

"  Upon  your  oath  you  think  me  a  rogue?" 

"  'Pon  my  oath  I  don't  think  you  an  honest  man/' 

Continued  laughter. 

"  You  swear  to  that  on  your  oath  ?" 

"  I  do,  to  be  sure ;  and  what  else  could  I  think?" 

11  Now,  why  do  you  think  so  ?" 

"Why,  because  you  are  doing  your  best  to  make  me  perjure 
myself." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


115 


OING  JOHN  BULL. — During  the  late 
excellent  sleighing  in  Boston,  a  fresh  i 
imported  John  Bull  went  to  a  livery 
stable  and  ordered  a  horse  and  sleigh. 
"Very  well,"  says  the  keeper,  "we'll 
fit  you  out  directly" — and  he  opened 
the  back  door  and  gave  orders  to 
harness.  "  Mind,  John,"  said  he, 
"  and  put  in  a  buffalo."  The  Eng- 
lishman opened  his  eyes  with  aston- 
ishment. "  A  buffalo  ?"  said  he. 
"  No  buffalo  for  me,  if  you  please.  I 
would  prefer  an  'orse." 


WEAK  VIRTUE. — "  What  brought  you  here  ?"  said  a  lone  woman 
<  who  was  quite  "  flustrated"  the  other  morning  by  an  early  call 
|  from  a  bachelor  neighbor  who  lived  opposite,  and  whom  she  re- 
\  garded  with  peculiar  favor,   although   she   had  never  dared   to 
tell  her  love,  but  "  let  concealment,  like  a  worm  in  the  bud.  hide 
in  the  furrows  of  her  unwrinkled  face  and  change  her  skin  to 
parchment."     "  I    came    to  borrow  matches,"   said  the  intruder, 
meekly.      "  Matches  !    that's   a   likely    story  !     Why   don't   you 
j  make  a  match  yourself?     I  know  what  you  come  for,"  cried  the 
exasperated  old  virgin,  as  she  backed  the  bachelor  into  a  corner. 
"  You  come  here  to  kiss  me  almost  to  death !     But  you  shan't — 
without  you're  the  strongest,  and  the  Lord  knows  you  are  /" 

PADDY  ON  APPLE  PIE. — An  Irishman  was  asked  at  dinner  one 
day,  if  he  would  take  some  apple  pie  ?  "  Is  it  houldsome,  Teddy  ?" 
"  Because,"  said  he,  "  I  once  had  an  uncle  that  was  kilt  with 
appleplexy.  and  by  my  sowl  I  thought  it  might  be  something  of 
the  same  sort." 


116  MRS.    PARTIN&TON'S 


LOOK  OUT  ! — When  cold  the  wind  blows,  take  care  of  your  nose. 
that  it  dosen't  get  froze,  and  wrap  up  your  toes,  in  warm  woollen 
hose.  The  above,  we  suppose,  was  written  in  prose,  by  some  one 
who  knows  the  effect  of  cold  snows. 

JONAH  TURNED  UP. — Not  long  since,  in  South  Carolina  a  cler- 
gyman was  preaching  on  the  disobedience  of  Jonah,  when  com- 
manded to  go  and  preach  to  the  Ninevites.  After  expatiating  for 
some  time  on  the  truly  awful  consequences  of  disobedience  to  the 
Divine  commands,  he  exclaimed  in  a  voice  of  thunder,  that  passed  \ 
through  the  congregation  like  an  electric  shock : 

"  And  are  there  any  Jonah's  here  ?"  \ 

There  was  an  old  negro  present,  whose  name  was  Jonah,  who.  \ 
thinking  himself  called  on,  immediately  rose,  with  his  broadest  I 
grin,  and  best  bow,  very  readily  answered  : 

"  Here  be  one,  massa  !" 

No  SMOKING. — "  I  wish  you  would  not  smoke  cigars,"  said  a 

plump  little  black-eyed  girl  to  her  lover. 

"  Why  may  not  I  smoke  as  well  as  your  chimney  ?" 

li  Because  chimneys  don't  smoke  when  they  are  in  good  order."  ( 

He  has  quit  smoking. 

POPPING  THE  QUESTION. — A  young  lawyer,  who  had  long  paid  I 
his  addresses  to  a  lady,  without  much  advancing  his  suit,  accused  | 
her  one  day  of  being  "  insensible  to  the  power  of  love." 
j      "  It  does  not  follow,"  she  archly  replied,  "  that  I  am  so.  because  : 
I  am  not  to  be  won  by  the  power  of  attorney." 

"  Forgive  me,"  replied  the  suitor,  "  but  you  should  remember 
that  all  the  votaries  of  Cupid  are  solicitors." 

Two  BULLS. — A  servant  girl,  writing  a  letter,  asked  her  master 
if  "  the  next  month  had  come  in  yet."  He  laughed.  "  Well."  she 
said,  "what  I  mean,  is — has  the  last  month  gone  out  yet  ?" 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


117  i 


THE  COCKNEY'S  LAMENT. 

I'm  a  flat !  I'm  a  flat !  to  have  come  out  to  sea, 
When  I  knew  very  well  how  unwell  I  should  be. 
Up  !  up  !  goes  the  boat  with  the  waves  as  they  swell — 
I'm  a  flat !  I'm  a  flat  !  I  acknowledge  the  sell ! 
For  the  boatman  assured  me  that  "  all  was  serene," 
And  the  day  seemed  so  fine,  and  the  sea  look'd  so  green. 
But  if  ever  they  catch  me  at  sea  any  more, 
May  they  paint  me  and  make  me  the  boy  at  the  Nore ! 
Quick !  quick  !  my  strength  fails,  and  my  eyesight  grows 
And  the  roll  of  the  sea  sets  my  head  in  a  swim. 
All's  up  with  me  now,  so  I  pray  let  me  be— 
I'm  a  flat !  I'm  a  flat !  to  have  come  out  to  sea. 


dim, 


118  MRS. 

POPPY-HBAD  TEA. — Some  years  ago,  a  well  known  botanical 
doctor  was  called  in  to  prescribe  for  a  man,  who  kept  for  sale  all 
i  kinds  of  dogs.  The  patient  was  a  great  believer  in  herbs  and 
botanical  productions,  and  was  indeed  very  ill.  The  doctor  felt 
his  pulse,  and  as  he  was  leaving  the  room,  said,  "Oh,  cheer  up, 
Mr.  Jones  ]  I'll  send  you  some  herb  medicine  that  will  put  you  all 
right  again.  I  want  to  find  your  wife."  To  the  latter,  who  met 
him  on  the  stairs,  he  said  :  "  Mrs.  Jones,  I'll  be  back  here  again 
very  shortly,  and  meanwhile,  make  your  husband  a  large  bowl 
full  of  poppy-head  tea."  The  wife  of  the  sick  man  was  a  Ger- 
man woman,  and  didn't  exactly  understand  what  was  ordered.  As 
soon  as  the  doctor  was  gone,  she  went  into  the  yard,  and  took  from 
a  litter  of  Newfoundland  puppies,  five  specimen?,  cut  their  heads  j 
off,  and  boiled  them  down,  and  gave  her  husband  a  part  of  the  tea.  j 
In  the  evening,  when  the  doctor  returned,  he  asked — 

"  Well.  Mrs.  Jones,  have  you  done  as  I  ordered  you  to  do  ?" 

"  To  be  sure  I  have,  doctor." 

"  Well,  and  how  does  it  operate  ?" 

"  Operate,  sir  ?  I  can't  tell :  but  I  am  sure  Sam  will  kill  me 
when  he  gets  well." 

"  How ;  kill  you  ?     What  should  he  kill  you  for,  good  woman  ?" 

"  Because,  doctor,  he's  been  offered  five  dollars  a-piece  for  them 
Newfoundland  puppies,  and  I  know  he  wants  the  money." 

"  Puppies,  woman  !"  replied  the  astonished  doctor;  "  what  have 
you  been  giving  your  husband  ?" 

u  Puppy-head  tea,"  replied  the  woman. 

li  Puppy-head  tea  !  I  told  you  poppy-head  tea"  and  the  doctor 
sloped  for  his  patient,  who  by  the  way  got  well,  and  after  a  while 
forgave  his  wife,  but  never  the  doctor,  and  has  eschewed  botanical 
medicine  ever  since. 

When  is  a  pane  of  glass  not  a  pane  of  glass  ?  When  HV  •raash- 
ed  to  pieces.  .*> 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


119 


MRS.  PARTINGTON  GETTING  WINDY. — Cease,  rude  Bolus,  bluster- 
ing railer,"  said  Mrs.  Partington  as  she  reached  out  into  the  storm  to 
secure  a  refractory  shutter,  and  the  wind  rushed  in  and  extinguished 
her  light,  and  slammed  to  the  door,  and  fanned  the  fire  in  the 
grate,  and  rustled  the  calico  flounce  upon  the  quilt,  and  peeped 
into  the  closets- and  under  the  bed,  and  contemptuously  shook  Mrs. 
Partington's  night  jacket  as  it  hung  airing  on  the  chair  at  the  fire, 
and  flirted  her  cap-border  as  she  looked  out  upon  the  night.  It 
was  a  saucy  gust.  "  How  it  blows  !"  said  she  as  she  shut  down  the 
window ;  '*  I  hope  heaven  will  keep  the  poor  sailors  safe,  who  go  down 
on  the  sea  in  vessels  ;  and  the  poor,  God  bless  'em  ! — the  poor  indig- 
nant creaturs  who  have  none  of  the  comforts  of  life  as  we  have — poor 
creeturs  who  are  forced  to  sleep  in  one  room,  and  have  a  bed  in  the 
very  place  where  they  sleep — how  I  hope  they  may  be  comforted  this 
blustering  night.  This  must  be  the  noxious  storm/7  she  continued, 
"  where  the  sun  crosses  the  Penobscot."  She  donned  her  specs  and 
sat  down  to  consult  Dudley  Lavitt  about  the  fact,  and  she  found  she 
was  right ;  while  the  wind  howled  round  the  house  most  dismally. 

BOUGHT  HIS  OWN  HOUSE. — A  gentleman  of  Boston  built  a  fine 
house,  at  great  expense,  a  short  distance  from  the  city.  It  was  a 
splendid  residence,  but  he  got  tired  of  it,  moved  back  to  the  city, 
and  went  to  an  auctioneer  to  have  it  disposed  of.  The  auctioneer 
advertised  it  in  such  glowing  terms  that  the  owner  didn't  recognise 
the  description  of  his  own  property,  and  when  the  day  of  sale 
arrived,  he  sent  a  friend  to  bid  off,  at  any  price,  a  place  that  had 
so  many  advantages  as  the  auctioneer's  advertisement  enumerated. 
The  gentleman  is  now  back  m  his  old  quarters,  and  whenever  he 
thinks  of  moving,  his  wife  reads  him  the  auctioneer's  advertise- 
ment. 


What  is  the  most  sentimental  river  ?     Ohio  (oh-high-oh). 


120 


MRS.    PARTINGTON     S 


HE  MAN  IN  THE  MIRROR. — Capt.  W.  tells  an 
amusing  occurrence  witnessed  by  him  on  board  I 
of  the  Ocean  on  her  passage  down.  An  oldish/  j 
and  somewhat  purblind  gentleman,  pacing  up 
and  down  the  upper  saloon,  stopped  in  front  of  a 
large  full  length  mirror,  and  after  gazing  at  the 
figure  presented,  inquired  in  a  very  deliberate 
tone,  "  Is-your-name-Brown  ?"  No  answer. 
Question  repeated  louder,  "is-your-name — 
Question  again  repeated  louder  still,  "Is — your — name — 
Still  no  answer.  "  Well,"  said  the  questioner,  "  you 
are  eitr/ 1  no  gentleman,  or  very  deaf!"  The  saloon  was  in  a 
roar. 


frown  V 


PORK. — A  lady,  one  night  at  a  party,  was  much  annoyed 
by  the  impertinent  remarks  of  a  coxcomb  who  sat  near  her  ;  at 
length  becoming  tired  and  vexed,  she  said,  "  Be  pleased  sir,  to 
cease  your  impertinence."  The  fellow  was  astonished  at  so  sud- 
den a  rebuke,  and  could  only  reply,  "  Pray,  Miss,  do  not  eat  me." 
(/  Be  in  no  fear."  she  replied,  l- 1  am  a  Jewess." 

THE  THREAD  OF  A  JOKE. — Old  Mrs.  Pilkins  was  reading  the 
foreign  news  by  a  late  arrival.  "  Cotton  is  .declining  !"  exclaimed 
the  old  lady.  "  Well,  I  thought  as  much — the  last  thread  I  used 
was  remarkably  feeble." 

A  CANDID  WOMAN. — A  woman,  ?harged  with  being  drunk  and 
disordeily,  denied  the  latter  offence,  saying  that  "she  was  too 
drunk  to  be  disorderly." 

SWEET  INNOCENCE. — A  lad,  delivering  his  milk,  was  asked  why 
the  milk  was  so  warm.  "  I  don't  know,"  he  replied,  with  much 
simplicity,  "  unless  they  put  in  warm  water  instead  of  cold.'1' 


WILLING   TO   BE    "  LET   ALONE. ' 

"  Are  these  rooms  to  let  ?"  said  a  polite  gentleman  to  a  hand- 
some young  lady.  "  Yes,  sir."  ';  And  are  you  to  be  let  with 
them  ?"  "  No,  sir  !  I'm  to  be  let  alone  /" 


122  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


A  NOVEL  DEPOT. — "  Look  here,  Pete,"  said  a  knowing  darkey 
to  his  companion,  "  don't  stan'  on  the  rail-road." 

"  Why,  Joe  ?" 

"  Kase,  ef  de  cars  see  dat  mouf  ob  yourn,  dey  will  tink  it  am  de 
depo7  and  run  rite  in  !" 

IRISH  ADVERTISEMENTS. — Tony  Gown  is  ad  rertised  as  having 
lost  "  A  pig  with  a  very  long  tail,  and  a  black  spot  on  the  top  of  } 
its  snout  that  curls  up  behind." 

A  cow  is  described  as  being  "  difficult  to  milk,  and  of  no  use  to  j 
any  one  but  the  owner,  who  had  one  horn  much  longer  than  the 
other." 

John  Hawkins  is  alluded  to,  as  having  "  a  pair  of  gray  eyes, 
with  little  or  no  whiskers,  and  a  Roman  nose,  that  has  a  great 
difficulty  in  looking  any  one  in  the  face." 

Betsey  Waterton  is  accused  of  having  "  absconded  with  a  chest 
of  drawers,  and  a  cock  and  hen,  has  red  hair  and  a  broken  tootl , 
none  of  which  are  her  own." 

The  Manager  of  the  Savings'  Bank,  at  Dunferry,  near  Goofow- 
ran,  is  spoken  of  in  these  terms  : — "  He  had  on  when  last  seen,  a 
pair  of  corduroy  trousers,  with  tremendous  squint  rather  the  worse 
for  wear,  besides  an  affected  lisp,  which  he  endeavored  to  conceal 
with  a  pair  of  gold  spectacles." 

A  b  a  i  ortrait  taken  in  the  following  manner : — u  He 

has  little  or  no  hair,  but  jet  black  eyes  on  a  turn  up  nose,  which  is 
lyed  black  to  conceal  his  grayness." 

SOUND  LOGIC. — Mrs.  Partington,  on  reading  an  account  of  a 
schooner  having  her  jib-boom  carried  away  in  Lc  ng  Island  Sound, 
one  night  last  week  wondered  il  why  people  would  leave  such 
things  out  o'  doors,  nights,  to  be  stolen,  when  they  was  so  many 
buglers  about,  filtering  everything  they  could  lay  their  hands  to." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


AN  INTERESTING  STORY. — u  Shon,   mine  son,"    said  a  wor    y 
German  father  to  his  hopeful  heir,  of  ten  years,  whom  he  Vad '. 
overheard  using  profane  language ;  "  Shon,  mine  son  !  come  Hrer  • 
and  I  vill  tell  you  a  little  shtory.     Now,  mine  son,  shall  it  ^e  a  i 
drue  shtory,  or  a  makes  believe  ?" 

"  Oh,  a  true  shtory,  of  course,"  answered  John. 

"  Very  veil,  den.  There  was  vonce  a  goot  nice  old  shent  Jinan, 
(shoost  like  me)  and  he  had  a  dirty  little  boy,  (shoost  lik  <  you) , 
And  von  day  he  heard  him  swearing,  like  a  young  villain  is  he 
vas.  So  he  vent  to  de  corner,  and  dock  out  a  cowhides,  slooet  as 
I  am  doing  now,  and  he  dook  ter  dirty  little  plackguard  py  de 
collar,  (dis  way,  you  see  !)  and  volloped  him  shoost  so  !  And  den, 
mine  tear  son,  he  bull  his  ears  dis  vay,  and  shmaek  his  face  dat 
very  vay,  and  dells  him  to  go  mitout  his  supper,  shoost  as  you  vill 
do  this  evening." 


CUTTING  REMARK. — "  I  say,  Jim,  what  mechanical  work  did  you 
do  first?"  asked  one  darkey  of  another.  "Why,  cut  teeth,  ob 
course,"  replied  the  other,  instantly. 

FEMALE  IGNORANCE. — It  is  a  fact,  that  some  girlu  don't  know 
kisses  are  sweet.  Kissing  a  pretty  one,  the  other  day,  she  inno- 
cently asked,  "  What  is  the  use  of  it — and  what  good  does  it  do  ?" 
"Ah,  Miss,"  said  we,  "what's  the  use  of  licking  'laises.' 


SHUTTING    HIS   EYES   TO  THE    CONSEQUENCES, 


124 


CONJUGAL  SYMPATHY. — Snooks  was  advised  ie  get  his  life  insur- 
ed. "  Won't  do  it,"  said  he,  "  it  would  be  just  my  luck  to  live 
for  ever,  if  I  should."  Mrs.  Snooks  merely  said,  "  Well,  I  would 
not,  my  dear." 

IRREPARABLE. — A  clergyman  who  was  consoling  a  young  widow 
on  the  death  of  her  husband,  spoke  in  a  very  serious  tone,  remark- 
ing that  he  was  "  one  of  the  few — such  a  j.ewel  of  a  Christian ! 
You  cannot  find  his  equal,  you  well  know."  To  which  the  sobbing 
fair  one  replied,  with  an  almost  broken  heart,  "  I'll  bet  I  will !" 

A  BARE  POSSIBILITY. — "  Jeems,  my  lad.  keep  away  from  the 
gals.  Ven  you  see  one  coming,  dodge.  Jest  such  a  critter  as  that 
young  'un  cleanin'  the  door  step  on  t'other  side  of  the  street,  fooled 
yer  poor  dad,  Jimmy.  If  it  hadn't  been  for  her,  you  and  yer  dad 
might  ha'  been  in  Californy  huntin'  dimuns,  my  son." 

I  THROUGH  BY  DAY  LIGHT. — A  man  out  West  lately  threw  eight 
constables,  sixteen  somersets,  and  two  deputy  sheriffs.  He  feeds 
on  the  celebrated  "  heave  powders"  which  we  read  of. 

ONE  OF  THE  WITNESSES. — The  late  J.S.,  a  man  of  infinite  wit  and 

humor,  and  who  had  probably  seen  as  much  of  life  in  America  as 

|  any  one,  used  to  tell  the  following  story,  which  is  too  good  to  be 

lost,  though  probably  no  one  but  he  could  do  justice  to  it.     If  we 

err  not,  it  ran  somehow  thus  : 

What  railroad  stock  is  in  the  East,  steamboat  shares  are  in  the 
West '}  and  as  almost  everybody  owns  more  or  less,  it  is  almost  an 
impossibility  to  procure    a  judgment   against   any  company  for 
injury,  carelessness,  or  even  loss  of  life.     Such  stiange  suite  are  j 
very  frequent,  and  give  rise  to  seme  strange  contretemps. 

Not  long  since,  it  seems,  a  steamboat  called  the  "  Old  Kentuck" 
blew  up,  near  the  Trinity,  at  the  mouth  of  the  Ohio,  where  it  is  a 


CARPET-BAG     OF      FUN.  125 


well  established  fact  that  a  great  many  musquitos  will  weigh  a 
pound,  by  which  accident  a  lady  rejoicing  in  the  name  of  Mrs. 
Jones,  lost  her  husband  and  her  trunk,  and  for  both  of  which  an 
action  was  brought. 

There  was,  strange  to  say,  great  difficulty  in  proving  that  Mr. 
Jones  had  been  on  the  boat  at  the  time  of  the  collapse,  that  worthy 
having  been  notoriously  drunk  on  the  wharf-boat  just  as  the 
steamer  left  Trinity. 

Many  witnesses  were  examined  to  prove  the  fact,  until  finally 
a  Mr.  Deitzmar,  a  German,  was  placed  upon  the  stand.  Our 
friend  J.  S.,  was  attorney  for  the  boat,  and  elicted  from  .Mr.  Deitz- 
mar this  testimony. 

"  Mr.  Deitzmar,  did  you  know  the  Old  Kentuck  ?" 

"  Yah,  I  was  blown  up  mit  her." 

"  Were  you  on  board  when  she  collapsed  her  flue  ?" 

"  When  she  butst  de  bile  ?  yar,  I  wash  dare." 

"  Did  you  know  Mr.  Jones  ?" 

"  To  be  sure.     Mr.  Jones  and  I  took  passenger  to-gedder." 

"  You  did  ?  When  did  you  last  see  Mr.  Jones  on  board  the 
boat?" 

"  Well  !  I  didn't  see  Mr.  Jones  aboard  de  boat  last  time." 

J.  S.  fancied  his  case  was  safe,  and  with  a  most  triumphant 
glance  at  the  jury,  said  : 

"  You  did  not  ?  Well,  Mr.  De-itzmar,  when  last  did  you  see 
Mr.  Jones  ?" 

"  Well,  when  de  schmoke  pips  and  me  was  going  up,  we  met  Mr. 
Jones  coming  down  /" 

THE  NAKED  TRUTH. — A  Boston  paper  in  its  report  of  the  great 
ball  at  Newport,  says  :  '  Miss  B.,  looked  sweetly,  in  a  plain  white 

; muslin  dress,  tucked  up  to  the  waist.''  By  Jupiter  !  if  that  don't 
out-Bloomer  Bloomer ! 


126  MRS. 

PERFECTLY  NATURAL. — Cymon  tells  a  story  of  an  old  deacon, 
\v  o  was  caught  by  his  daughter,  one  afternoon,  in  a  snug  tete-a 
teto  with  a  buxom  widow.  <  Natur,  Sally,  it's  nothing  but  natur  !' 
cried  the  old  gentleman. 

I'LL   THINK    OF   THEE. 

Though  other  voices  greet  me, 

And  other  forms  I  see, 
Though  I  may  never  meet  thee, 

Pll  think  of  thee. 

When  bitten  by  mosquitos, 

Or  tortured  by  a  flea, 
Or  plagued  by  rats  and  bedbugs, 

I'll  think  of  thee. 


MUTUAL  GRIEF. — Two  widowers  were  once  condoling  together  j 
on  the  recent  bereavement  of  their  wives ;  one  of  them  exclaimed 
with  a  sigh — "  Well  may  I  bewail  my  loss,  for  I  had  so  few  differ- 
ences with  the  dear  deceased,  that  the  last  day  of  my  marriage 
was  as  happy  as  the  first."  "  There  I  surpass  you,"  said  his  friend, 
u  for  the  last  day  of  mine  was  happier  !" 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  127 


DELIRIUMS  TREMENDOUS. 

A  negro  was  brought  up  before  the  mayor  (f  Philadelphia  a 

short  time  since,   for  stealing  chickens.     "Well,  Toby,"  said  his 

honor,  "  what  have  you  to  say  for  yourself?"     "  Nuffin  but  dis' 

boss ;  I  was  as  crazy  as  a  bed  bug  when  I  stole  dat  'ar  pullet,  coz 

!  I  might  have  stole  de  big  rooster,   and  never  done  it.     Dat  shows 

!  'clusively  to  my  mind  that  I  was  laboring  unner  the  delirium 

]  tremendous." 

i      IN  A  BAD  WAY.—"  Well,   Emeline, '  said   Dr.  W to  a  lazy 

j  gadder  of  a  wife,  "  how  do  you  feel  to-day,  Emeline  ?"     "A  great 

|  deal  worse  than  I  was,  thank' ee  ;  most  dead,  Fm  obliged  to  you ; 

i  I'm  always  worse  than  I  was.  and  don't  think  I  shall  be  any  better. 

I  I'm  very  sure,  any  how,  that  Fm  not  long  for  this  sinful  world  ; 

5  and  for  the  future,  you  may  always  know  Fm  worse  without  ask- 

j  ing  any  questions  j  for  the  questions  make  me  worse,  if  nothing 

'else  does."      "Why    Emeline,    what's   the    matter   with  you?" 

"  Nothing,  I  tell  you,  in  particular,  but  a  great  deal  is  the  matter 

with  me  in  genera'. ;  and  that's  the  danger,  because  we  don't  knew 

what  it  is.     That's  what  kills  people,   when  they  can't  tell 


128 


it  is ;  that's  what's  killing  me.  My  grandmother  died  of  it, 
I.  The  doctors  don'  know  it ;  they  can't  tell ;  they  say  I'm  well 
enough,  when  I'm  bad  enough  ;  and  so  there's  no  help.  I'm  going 
off  some  of  these  days,  right  after  my  great  grand-mother,  dying  of 
nothing  in  particular,  but  of  everything  in  general.  That's  what 
finishes  all  our  folks." 

COURTSHIP  AND   DISAPPOINTMENT. 

Miss  Sukey  Smith  had  flaxen  hair, 

Her  daddy  had  the  pewter, 
Her  eyes  were  gray,  and  looked  serenCj 

Upon  her  favorite  suitor. 

That  suitor  was  a  jolly  youth, 

So  nimble,  blithe,  and  brawny, 
The  yellow  fever  took  him  off, 

One  day,  to  California. 

And  when  I  heard  that  he  was  gone, 

"  It's  now,"  said  he,  "or  never  P 
I  shaved  myself  and  greased  my  shoes, 

And  tried  to  look  right  clever. 

I  rigged  myself  from  top  to  toe, 
And  caught  and  mounted  'Robiarj 

But  all  the  way  I  rode  along, 
My  heart  it  kept  a  throbbia'. 

And  when  I  reached  her  daddy's  door, 

It  still  kept  on  a  thumpin'  ; 
But  when  I  saw  that  heavenly  maid, 

It  kinder  stopped  a  jumpin'. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


'Twas  half  past  ten,  when  at  her  feet 

I  knelt,  and  yet,  ere  dinner, 
With  honeyed  speech  and  winnin'  ways, 

I  had  contrived  to  win  her. 

Some  months  elapsed  —  to  set  the  day 

I  now  began  to  press  her  ; 
I  urged,  entreated,  plead  in  vain— 

In  vain  did  I  caress  her. 

While  matters  thus  were  cross'd  and  pil'd, 

My  clothes  all  growin'  seedy, 
My  rival  from  the  mines  returned, 

Still  for  my  Sukey  greedy. 

I  saw  him  kinder  sidle  up, 

And  slip  his  arms  around  her, 
When  —  heavens  and  earth  she  let  him  kiss 

Those  precious  lips  !     Confound  her  ! 

I  told  her  that  I  was  surprised  — 

My  eyes  had  sure  deceived  me  — 
And  asked  her  to  renew  her  vows, 
And  from  suspense  relieve  me. 

When,  don't  you  think,  the  tarnal  gal, 

Her  thumb  upon  her  smeller  ; 
Her  fingers  wriggled  as  she  said  — 

"  Can't  come  it,  little  feller  !" 

A  HOGGISH  REMARK.  —  A  countryman  applied  to  John  Hogg,  Esq. 
to  sell  some  green  corn.  "  I  don't  want  any,"  said  Hogg.  sl  Well," 
said  the  countryman,  "  you're  the  first  hog  I  ever  saw  that  didn't 
want  corn  !" 


130 


AIMING  AT  THE  WRONG  END.  —  Teacher. — "Come  here,  you 
young  scamp,  and  get  a  sound  spanking." 

Scholar. — "  You  haint  got  no  right  to  spank  me,  and  the  copy 
you  just  set  me.  ses  so." 

Teacher. — "  I  should  like  to  hear  you  read  that  copy." 

Scholar. — "You  shil  (reads).  '  Let  all  the  ends  thou  aimest  at 
be  ^hy  country's,  and  so  forth,  and  so  forth,'  and  when  you're  a 
spankin'  me,  you  aint  aiming  at  no  such  end." 


ACUTE  OBSERVATION.  —  Brother. — "  What  did  you  have  your 
waist  made  so  big  for,  sister  Lize  ?" 

Sister. — "  It's  not  s<  large,  but  on  the  contrary,  very  small  and 
genteel." 

Brother.  "  Taint,  neither,  or  that  plaguey  fellow  Bill  Jones 
wouldn't  be  allers  squeezin'  it  to  make  it  smaller." 


EYES  IN  A  NEW  PLACI.  —  Daughter. — "Ma,  has  pa  got  eyes 

behind  ?" 

Mother. — "  Nu>  indeed.     What  do  you  ask  such  a  question  for  ?" 
Daughter. — "  Because  you're  always  telling  him  not  to  look 

stern  at  you." 

PRECOCIOUS. — In  one  of  our  city  schools,  not  many  years  ago,  a 
member  of  the  committee  asked  the  members  of  a  class  which  was 
under  examination,  "  What  was  the  cause  of  the  saltness  of  the 
ocean  ?"  Soon  one  little  girl  raised  her  hand,  flushed  with  the 
discovery  which  had  flashed  upon  her  mind.  "  You  may  tell," 
said  the  committee  man.  "  Salt  fish,  sir  !"  said  the  pupil.  The 
committee  man  immediately  proceeded  to  the  next  class. 

Goc^  FOR  INDIGESTION. — "  Astonishing  cure  for  consumption," 
as  the  old  lady  said  when  she  sprinkled  snuff  on  the  victuals  of 
her  boarders. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  131 


DEFAMATION  OF  CHARACTER. — "  Mrs.  Partington,  your  neighbor, 

Mr.  Gruff,  is  rather  irascible,  I  think,"  said  the  new  minister  on 

his  first  visit  to  the  old  lady,  as  he  heard  Gruff  scolding  Ike  for  j 

throwing  snowballs  at  his  new  martin-house.     Gruff  kept  a  grocery 

|  over  the  way.  and  was  in  a  constant  quarrel  with  every  boy  in  the 

j  neighborhood.     Mrs.  Partington  looked  at  the  minister  through  her 

j  spectacles  inquiringly,  before  she  answered.     "  Rather  a  rascal  !" 

said  she,  slightly  misapprehending  his  question,  and  patting  her 

box  affectionately,  ':  yes,  indeed,  I  think  he  is  a  great  rascal  !     He 

sold  me  burnt  peas  for  the  best  coffee,   and  it  wasn't  weight, 

nuther.     When  they  built  our  new  church,  somebody  said  there 

was  a  nave  in  it,  and  I  knowed  in  a  minute  who  they  meant. 

Why" "  I   mean,"   interrupted  the  minister,  blandly,  laying 

his  white  hand  gently  on  her  arm,  "I  mean  that  he  is  quick-tem- 
pered." "  Oh,  that's  quite  another  thing — yes,  he  is,  very,"  and 
slie  changed  the  subject.  But  that  word  "  irascible  "  ran  in  her 
head  for  an  hour  after  he  was  gone,  and  when  Ike  came  in  she  told 
him  to  take  down  the  old  Johnson's  Decency,  and  find  the  defama- 
tion of  it. 

CANINE. — A  gentleman  that  has  had  the  shine  taken  off  his 
boots  by  a  lady's  spaniel,  will  back  the  dog  to  ^k  anything. 

SPEAKING  FROM  EXPERIENCE. — "  Are  you  not  a  lined  at  the 
approach  of  the  King  of  Terrors  ?"  said  the  minister  to  sick  man. 
"  Oh,  no  !  I  have  been  living  six  and  thirty  years  with  c  te  queen 
of  terrors — the  king  cannot  be  much  worse  !" 


CATCHING    HIS    EYE. 


132  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 

Go  IT  WHILE  TOUR'E  YOUNG. — "  Sally,"  said  a  green  youth,  in 
a  venerable  white  hat  and  gray  pants,  through  which  his  legs  pro- 
jected half  a  foot,  perhaps  more — "  Sally,  before  we  go  into  this 
'ere  Museum,  to  see  the  Serenaders.,  I  want  to  ax  you  somethin'." 
"Well,  Ichabob,  what  is  it  ?"  "  Why,  you  see  this  'ere  business 
is  gwine  to  cost  a  hull  quarter  a-piece,  and  I  <r  n't  afford  to  spend 
so  much  for  nuthin'.  Now.  ef  you'll  say  you'll  hav  me,  darn'd 
ef  I  don't  pay  the  hull  on't  myself — I  will."  Sally  made  a  non- 
committal reply,  which  Ichabob  interpreted  to  suit  himself,  and  he 
strode  up  two  steps  at  a  time,  and  paid  the  whole  on't. 

A  WILL— AINOUS  PUN. — A  bank  note — an  old  dilapidated  one, 
\vas  shown  us  yesterday,  with  a  piece  of  yellow  paper  pasted  on 
the  back  of  it,  on  which  was  written  in  a  bold,  free  hand,  "  Go  it, 
Bill,  I'll  back  you  !» 

TOE-ING  THE  NAIL. — A  man  who  had  purchased  a  pair  of  new 
shoes,  finding  the  road  to  be  rather  a  rough  one,  concluded  to  put 
the  shoes  under  his  arm,  and  walk  home  barefooted.  After  a 
while  he  stubbed  his  great  toe,  taking  the  nail  off  as  "  clear  as  a 
whistle."  "How  lucky!"  he  exclaimed;  "what  a  tremendous 
lick  that  would  have  been  for  the  shoes  !" 

MAXIM. — It's  the  earl  est  riser  that  gets  the  strongest  tea. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN 


133 


STEADY    FRIEXDS. 

ISTo-O-O.  GOOD  NIGHT,  OLD  CHAP  ! BUSINESS  IS  THE  SOUL  OF  PUNC- 
TUALITY. I  MUST  GO  NOW.  I'VE  GOT  SOME  BUSI-BUSINES8  TO  ATTEND 
TO (hie) LET-TERS  TO— WRITE  1 


DIFFERENCE  OF  OPINION. — In  a  case  of  trying  to  prove  a  man 
drunk,  an  Irish  witness,  taking  the  stand  was  asked  by  the  Judge, 
if  he  thought  the  man  the  worse  for  liquor,  replied — 

"  No  !  in  faith,  he  thought  him  the  belter  for  it." 


r 

134  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 

TAK*  i  IN  AND  DONE  FOR  BY  THE  LOT. — It  is  recorded  of  a 

certain  irrepressible  genius,  whose  name  has  quietly  descended  to 
the  vale  of  oblivion,  that  he  once  affixed  a  placard  to  a  fair  and 
fertile  enclosure  of  which  according  to  the  laws  of  meum  and  tuum 
he  was  the  owner,  bearing  these  words,  "  This  field  to  be  given  to 
any  one  who  is  truly  contented."  Of  course  the  number  of  appli- 
cants was  very  considerable.  In  fact  nearly  every  one  who  saw 
the  notice  eagerly  crowded  to  pay  his  respects  to  the  generous  fel- 
low who  seemed  so  willingly  to  reward  the  puissant  practitioners 
of  a  s--emingly  commendable  virtue.  He  asked  them  all  this  ques- 
tion— "  Are  you  contented  with  your  present  condition  ?"  Any 
other  lhan  an  affirmative  answer  would  be  destructive  to  the  hopes 
of  the  expectants,  and  therefore  they  all  answered,  "  yes."  "  Then," 

rejomed  he,  with  immovable  coolness,  what  the  d 1  do  you  want 

of  my  lot  ?" 

HIT  IN  THE  RIGHT  PLACE. — A  gentleman,  taking  an  apartment, 
tsaid  to  the  lady,  "  I  assure  you,  madam.  I  never  left  a  lodging  but 
my  landlady  shed  tears.  "  I  hope  sir,"  said  she,  "  it  was  not  be- 
cause you  went  away  without  paying." 

TAKING  THE  CENSUS. — Some  rich  scenes  occur  in  taking  the 
census,  under  the  late  law  of  the  State  of  New  York  for  that  pur- 
pose. The  following,  from  an  eye-witness,  is  one : — 

"  Is  the  head  of  the  family  at  home  ?"  asks  the  inquiring 
marshal. 

"  Here's  the  devil  with  his  book  again  for  the  cFrectry"  shouts  a 
junior  of  the  family  to  the  maternal  head  above  stairs,  who  pre- 
sently appears. 

"  Is  it  the  heads  of  the  family  ye  want,  sure  ?  But  last  week 
ye  wanted  our  name  for  ye  d?rectry:  and  now  ye  want  our  heads  ! 
A  free  country  this,  sure,  when  one's  head  is  not  safe  !  Be  off! 
and  bad  luck  to  ye  and  all  like  ye  !" 

J 


r 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  135 


J  — 

|      After  some  explanations,  the  questions  in  order  are  asked 

"Who  is  the  head  of  the  family  ?" 

"  Ann  Phelim,  yer  honor  •  the  same  in  ould  Ireland  for  ever." 

"  How  many  males  in  this  family  ?" 

"  Three  males  a-day,  with  praties  for  dinner,  an " 

u  But  how  many  men  and  boys  ?" 

"  Oeh  !  Why.  there's  the  ould  man  an'  the  boy,  and  the  three 
children  who  died  five  years  ago — Heaven  rest  their  dear  souls  ! — 
the  swatest  jewils  that  iver " 

"  But  how  many  are  now  living  ?" 

{/  Meself  and  me  daughter  Judy,  ye  see  them  ;  and  a  jewil  of  a 
girl  she  is,  indeed  !" 

"  But  have  you  no  males  in  your  family  ?" 

"  Sorra  the  one.  The  ould  man  works  hard  by  the  day,  and 
Patrick  is  not  at  home  at  all  but  to  his  males  and  his  bed." 

"  How  many  are  subject  to  military  duty  !" 

"  Niver  a  one.  Patrick  and  the  ould  man  belong  to  the  Immits  ; 
and  sure,  finer  looking  soldiers  were  niver  born.  Did  ye  not  see 
them  when  the  ould  Gineral  was  buried  !  'Twcrul.d  have  made 
your  heart  beat  to  see  two  such  fine-lookin',  gintale,  well-behaved 
boys." 

"  How  many  are  entitled  to  vote  ?" 

"  Why,  the  ould  man,  and  meself.  and  Judy :  and  warn't  it  we 
that  bate  the  Natives  an'  the  Whigs  an'  all,  an  elicted  ould  Gen- 
eral Jackson  over  'im  all  ?  Sorra  the  day  when  he  died  and  dis- 
appointed us  all,  for  a  fine  man  he  was  !" 

u  How  many  colored  persons  in  your  family  ?" 

"  Nagers  !  did  you  name  nagers  ?  Out,  man,  an'  don't  be  in- 
sulting me  !  Out  wid  ye;  and  niver  ask  for  me  senses  agin.  Don't 
ask  about  me  senses — y/hethsr  I  have  nagers  in  the  family  !  Ycr 
out  of  yer  senses  yerself  !  Begone;  and  don't  bother  me  !" 

A  fop's  face  is  a  wall  of  brass. 


136  MRS.    PARTING-TON'S 


MRS.  PARTINGTON  CN  FOREIGN  AFF>IRS — "  When  will  dieten- 
tion  and  strife  cease  amorg  our  foreign  relations  ?"  said  Mrs.  Par- 
tington  with  a  sigh,  as  she  looked  abstractedly  at  the  black  profile 
on  tho  wall,  as  if  she  thought  it  could  answer  the  question ;  "  when 
will  distention  cease  ?  The  peace  congress  didn't  do  no  good's  I 
see,  for  the  Rushins  and  Austriches  are  a  carryin'  on  jest  as  bad 
as  ever  they  did,  committin'  all  sorts  of  outridges  and  wrongs  on 
the  Hung'ry.  Heaven  never  smiles  on  them  that  distresses  the 

|  poor.  We  ought  to  hold  the  Rushers  and  all  that  belongs  to  'em 
in  excrescence — I  don't  know  about  hating  the  Rushy  Salve,  though, 
because  that  ha'nt  done  us  no  ha,rm — and  the  Austriches,  too,  that 
lives  on  nails  and  gimblets,  that  the  wild  beast  man  told  us  about 

|  — the  onnateral  heathen.     Then  the  Frenchmen  are  all  in  a  com- 
motion, and  I  should  think  they  would  be,  eatin'  frogs  and  sich  j 
things,  and  the  English  ministers  are  quarrelin'  like  '  dog's  delight.' 

|  Where  it  will  end  I  can't  see." 

j  ACCURATE  DESCRIPTION. — Doctor  Duncan  received  a  severe 
injury  from  something  in  the  shape  of  cowskin,  somewhere  in  the 
neighborhood  of  Cincinatti.  "  Where  were  you  hurt,  doctor  ?"  said 
a  friend  "  Was  it  near  the  vertebra  ?v  "  No,  no. 
disciple  of  Galen ;  u  it  was  near  the  race-course." 


AN    EARLY    IMPRESSION. 


CiRPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


137 


A    CAT-ERECT. 


A  CATASTROPHE. — "  Why  does  a  cat  on  her  hind  legs  remmd 
one  of  Niagara.     Because  it  is  a  cat-erect." 


A  MIRACLE. — A  showman  holding  forth  to  his  audience  on  his 
collection  of  curiosities,  produced  a  rusty  sword,  which  he  assured 
I  them  was  the  identical  sword  with  which  Balaam  was  about  to 
{  kill  his  ass.  One  of  the  company  observed,  that  he  thought  Balaam 
(  had  no  sword,  but  only  wished  for  one.  "  You  are  right,"  said  the 
(  student,  i:  and  this  is  the  very  sword  he  wished  for  !" 

ODD  REASON. — A  celebrated  wit  was  asked  why  he  did  not 
marry  a  young  lady  to  whom  he  was  much  attached.  "  I  know 
not,"  he  replied,  "  except  the  great  regard  we  have  for  each 
other." 


138 


A  CHAPIER  ON  FLATTERY. — Flattery  is  the  confectionery  of  the 
world.  In  polite  society  it  goes  by  the  name  of  "  soap,"  and  in 
general  is  designated  "  soft  sawder."  It  prevails  over  all :  few 
are  beneath  it,  none  above  it ;  the  court,  the  camp,  the  church,  are 
the  scenes  of  its  victories. 

To  lay  it  on  is  a  sublime  science.  It  may  be  laid  on  with  the 
delicacy  of  a  camel's  hair  pencil,  or  with  the  thickness  of  a  trowel. 
Some  folks  like  it  one  way,  some  another;  glazing  and  plastering 
are  only  two  modes  of  the  same  thing. 

Fattery  is  like  tickling.     The  person  nattered  finding  himself 
gratified,  and  conscious  that  it  is  to  the  flatterer  that  he  in  indebted  I 
for  the  gratification,  feels  under  an  obligation  to  him,  without  j 
inquiring  the  reason. 

Women  are  particularly  fond  of  flattery,  and  you  may  lay  it  on 
with  a  trowel.  But  if  you  would  wish  to  be  exceedingly  delicate, 
you  may  say,  "  I  hope  you  do  not  pull  the  bed-clothes  over  your 
face  at  night,  Miss  ?"  The  lady  will  anxiously  inquire.  "  Why  ?" 
"  For  fear  thd  brightness  of  your  eyes  should  set  them  on  fire,"  is 
your  reply.  You  may  also  hint,  that  were  you  and  this  lady  united 
in  the  bonds  of  wedlock,  you  would  require  no  tinder  but  the  tender 
passion,  and  no  lucifer-match  cigar-lighting  machines,  as  her  eyes  7 
would  afford  a  light  at  all  times. 

To  pay  a  polite  compliment,  is  the  very  essence  of  gentility. 
Talk  to  a  man  whose  father  was  hanged,  of  public  executions.  To 
an  old  gentleman  with  a  red  nose,  of  the  beauty  of  Bardolph's 
character.  To  a  lady  with  false  teeth,  you  may  relate  a  story  of 
a  gentleman  who  was  choked  in  swallowing  them.  To  a  gentle- 
man with  bandy  legs,  you  may  commence  a  dissertation  on  the  ana- 
lysation  of  curves  of  double  curvature.  To  a  lady  with  a  large 
family,  you  may  eulogise  King  Herod. 

Tea  improves  by  standing :  champagne  does  not. 


»^«fc»^^^^  I 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  139 

IDE>  OF  ETERNITY. — A  clergy  man,  in  one  of  his  sermons,  exclaim- 
ed to  h  s  hearers  :  ':  Eternity  !  why,  don't  you  know  the  meaning 
of  that  word  ?  Nor  I  either,  hardly.  It  is  for  ever  and  ever,  and 
five  or  six  everlastings  a-top  of  that.  You  might  place  a  row  of 
figure?  from  here  to  sunset,  and  cipher  them  up,  and  it  wouldn't 
begin  9o  tell  how  many  ages  long  eternity  is.  Why,  my  friends, 
after  Millions  and  trillions  of  years  had  rolled  away  in  eternity,  it 
woul<?  be  a  hundred  thousand  years  to  breakfast-time." 

A  OAME  ARTICLE. — A  city  sportsman  after  tramping  a  whole 
day  in  the  country  after  game  and  having  failed  in  his  attempts  at 
higher  game,  it  struck  him  as  a  good  joke  to  ridicule  the  exploits 
of  the  day  himself,  in  order  to  prevent  any  one  else  from  doing  it 
for  him  ;  and  he  thought  that  to  carry  home  a  certain  number  of 
tbe  domestic  inhabitants  of  the  pond  and  its  vicinity,  would  serve 
the  purpose  admirably.  Accordingly,  up  he  goes  to  a  farmer,  and 
accos  ,s  him  very  civilly.  "  My  good  friend."  says  our  hero,  (whom 
we  \v  »11  call  Tom,)  "  I'll  make  you  an  offer."  "  Of  what,  sur  ?" 
says  the  farmer.  "  Why,"  replies  Tom,  "  I've  been  out  all  day 
fagging  after  birds,  and  haven't  had  a  shot.  Now,  both  my  barrels 
are  loaded — I  should  like  to  take  home  something :  what  shall  I 
give  you  to  let  me  have  a  shot  with  each  barrel  at  those  ducks  and 
fowls — I  standing  here^and  to  have  whatever  1  kill  ?"  "  What 
sort  of  a  shot  are  you  ?"  said  the  farmer.  "  Fairish  !"  said  Tom, 
"  fairish  !"  "  And  to  have  all  you  kill  ?"  said  the  farmer,  "  eh  ?" 
"  Exactly  so,"  said  Tom.  "  Five  Dollars."  said  the  farmer.  "  That's 
too  much,"  said  Tom.  "  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do— I'll  give  a 
twenty  shilling  piece,  which  happens  to  be  all  the  money  I  Lave 
in  my  pocket."  "Well,"  said  the  man,  "  hand  it  over."  The  pay- 
ment was  made.  Tom,  true  to  his  bargain,  took  his  post  by  the 
barn-deor,  and  let  fly  with  one  barrel,  and  then  with  the  other,  and 
such  quacking  and  splashing,  and  screaming  and  fluttering,  had 
never  been  seen  in  that  place  before.  Away  ran  Tom,  and,  de- 


140  MRS. 

lighted  at  his  success,  picked  up  first  a  hen,  then  a  chicken,  then 
fiihed  out  a  dying  duck  or  two,  and  so  on,  until  he  numbered  eight 
head  of  domestic  game,  with  which  his  bag  was  nobly  distended. 
"  Those  were  right  good  shots,  sur,"  said  the  farmer.  "  Yes,"  said 
Tom,  "  eight  ducks  and  fowls  were  more  than  you  bargained  for, 
old  fellow — worth  rather  more,  I  suspect,  than  twenty  shillings — 
eh  ?';  "  Why,  yes,"  said  the  man,  scratching  his  head,  "  I  think 
they  be  ;  but  what  do  I  care  for  that?  they  are  none  of  them  mine  /" 
' '  Here,"  said  Tom,  "  I  was  for  once  in  my  life  beaten,  and  made 
off  as  fast  as  I  could,  for  fear  the  right  owner  of  my  game  might 
make  his  appearance — not  but  that  I  could  have  given  the  fellow 
that  took  me  in  seven  times  as  much  as  I  did,  for  his  cunning  and 
coolness." 

LAWYERS,  ATTENTION. — At  a  small  town  up  the  river,  a  young 
lawyer,  who  thought  himself  c  some,'  made  certain  proposals  at  a 
town  meeting,  which  were  objected  to  by  a  farmer.  Highly  enraged, 
he  said  to  the  farmer,  "  Sir,  do  you  know  that  I  have  been  at  two 
universities,  ard  at  two  colleges  in  each  university  ?"  "  Well, 
sir,"  said  the  farmer,  "  what  of  that  ?  I  had  a  calf  that  sucked 
two  cows,  and  the  observation  I  made  was,  the  more  he  sucked, 
the  greater  calf  he  grew." 

A  RULE  THAT  WORKS  BOTH  WAYS. — An  old  sea  captain  used 
to  say  he  didn't  care  a  d n  how  he  dressed,  when  abroad,  "  be- 
cause nobody  knew  him."  And  he  didn't  care  a  d n  how  he 

dressed  when  at  home,  "  because  everybody  knew  him." 


STANDING  UPON  CEREMONY. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  141 


A  HARD  FEVER  AND  A  TOUGH  STORY. — An  emphatic  friend  of 
ours  in  describing  an  attack  of  fever  said : — The  cold  stage  was  so 
violent  as  to  shake  off  the  plastering  of  the  room  ;  the  hot  stage  so 
intense  that  lath  took  fire,  and  he  should  certainly  have  perished 
in  the  flames,  had  not  the  profuse  perspiration  which  followed 
extinguished  the  fire,  and  saved  himself  and  the  house  from  entire 
destruction. 

OH,  THE  BASTE. — A  rich  scene  with  a  drunken  man  was  witness- 
ed some  years  ago,  in  the  suburbs  of  Dublin.  He  was  lying  on 
his  face,  by  the  roadside,  apparently  in  a  state  of  physical  uncon- 
sciousness. "  He  is  dead,"  said  a  countryman  of  his,  who  was  looking 
at  him.  "  Dead  !"  replied  another,  who  had  turned  him  with  his 
face  uppermost ;  "  by  the  powers,  I  wish  I  had  just  half  his  disase  !" 
— in  other  words,  a  moiety  of  the  whiskey  he  had  drunk. 

NOTIONS  or  ANTIQUITIES. — An  American  traveller,  returned  from 
Europe,  was  asked  how  he  liked  Rome ;  to  which  he  replied,  that 
Rome  was  a  fine  city,  but  that  he  must  acknowledge  he  thought 
the  public  buildings  were  very  much  out  of  repair. 


TURNING   OVEB   A   NEW   PAGE. 


"Mr.  Swipes,  fve  just  kicked  your  William  out  of  doors." 
"  Well,  Mr.  Swingle,  it's  the  first  Bill  you've  footed  this  many 
*  day." 


142  MRS. 

THE  WOLVERINE  IN  OUR  "  BEST  SOCIETY." — "  Were  you  ever 
among  fine  ladies  ?"  asked  a  traveler  of  a  seven  foot  Wolverine  : 
"  yes  :  and  flummox  me  if  I  want  to  be  so  fixed  again :  for  there  I 
sat  with  my  feet  straight  down  under  my  knees,  head  up,  and 
hands  laid  close  along  my  legs,  like  a  new  recruit  on  drill,  or  a 
horse  on  the  stocks  ;  and  twist  me  if  I  didn't  think  I  was  about  to 
be  nicked.  The  whole  company  stared  at  me  as  if  I  had  come 
without  an  invite,  and  I  swear  I  thought  my  arms  had  grown  a 
foot  longer,  for  I  couldn't  get  my  hands  into  no  sort  of  a  comfort- 
able fix  :  first  I  tried  them  on  my  lap ;  there  they  looked  like  going 
to  prayers,  or  as  if  I  was  tied  in  that  way :  then  I  slung  'em  down 
by  my  side,  and  thej-  looked  like  two  weights  to  a  clock :  and  then 
I  wanted  to  cross  my  legs,  and  I  tried  that,  but  my  leg  stuck  out 
like  a  pump-handle.  Then  my  head  stuck  up  through  a  glazed 
shirt-collar,  like  a  pig  in  a  poke ;  then  I  wanted  to  spit,  but  the 
floor  looked  so  fine  that  I  would  as  soon  have  thought  of  spitting 
on  the  window ;  and  then,  to  fix  me  out  and  out,  they  asked  us 
all  to  sit  down  to  dinner !  Well,  things  went  on  smooth  enough  for 
a  while,  till  we  had  got  through  one  whet  at  it.  Then  an  imp  of  a 
nigger  came  to  me  first,  with  a  waiter  of  little  bowls  full  of  some- 
thing, and  a  parcel  of  towels  slung  over  his  arm  ;  so  I  clapped  one 
of  the  bowls  to  my  head,  and  drank  it  down  at  a  swallow.  Now, 
sir,  what  do  you  think  was  in  it?"  "Punch,  I  suppose,"  said 
< the  traveler  laughing,  or  perhaps,  apple  toddy."  "  So  I  thought, 
and  so  would  anybody,  as  dry  as  I  was,  and  that  wanted  some- 
thing to  wash  down  the  fainty  stuffs  I  had  been  laying  in  ;  but  no  ! 
it  was  water  !  Yes,  you  may  laugh ;  but  it  was  clean  warm 
water  !  The  others  dipped  their  fingers  into  the  bowls,  and  wiped 
them  on  the  towels  as  well  as  they  could  for  giggling ;  but  it  was 
all  the  fault  of  that  pampered  nigger  in  bringing  it  to  me  first. 
As  soon  as  I  catched  his  eye,  I  gin  him  a  wink,  as  much  as  to  let 
'him  know,  if  ever  I  caught  him  on  my  trail,  I  would  wipe  him 
down  with  a  hickory  towel." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


143 


A  COMMON  CASK. — "  Doctor,"  said  a  person  once  to  a  surgeon, 
my  daughter  has  had  a  terrible  fit  this  morning  :  she  continued 
j  full  half  an  hour  without  knowledge  or  understanding."  "  Oh," 
j  replied  the  doctor,  "  never  mind  that ;  many  people  continue  so 
1  all  their  lives." 


THE    EXD    OF    MAX. 

"Why,  surely  George,  you  are  not  going  back  to  California?" 
:'  Well,  I  aint  a  goin'  to  do  anything  else."     "  Just  so  •  carrying 
out  the  scriptural  injunction — '  Dust  thou  art,  and  unto  J.ust  thou 
!  shalt  return.'  " 

PRAYING  FOR  A  PARTNER. — The  Hungarian  ladies  are  passion- 
ately fond  of  dancing.     A  lady  told  Mr.  Paget  that,  in  her  dancing 
times,  she  well  remembered  that  she  never  eaid  her  prayers  for  I 
her  li  daily  bread,"  without  adding  "  and  plenty  of  partners  at  the  j 
next  ball,  I  beseech  thee." 


144  MRS.    PARTING-TON'S 


TROITT  FISHING. — We  have  a  friend  who  is  a  somewhat  practi- 
cal joker,  residing  in  a  pleasant  country  residence  near  the  ocean. 
Some  time  since  he  had  a  visit  from  Professor ,  of  poetic  mem- 
ory. The  professor  is  a  keen  trout  fisherman,  and  seeing  a  pond 
at  some  distance  from  R?s  residence,  he  inquired — 

"  Can  you  fish  for  trout  in  that  pond?" 

<•  0,  yes,"  said  R.,  "  as  well  as  not." 

"  Possible  ! — where's  your  rod  ?" 

"  I  have  none.     Pm  no  fisherman.     But  i£  you  want  to  try,  we'll 

go  over  to  S ,  and  get  tackle,  and  you  may  try  your  hand  at 

it  to-morrow." 

It  was  thereupon  agreed  to  do  so,  and  the  day  was  passed  by  the 
worthy  professor  in  preparations  for  angling. 

The  next  morning  early,  R.  drove  him  over  to  the  pond,  and  he 
whipped  it  all  around  to  windward  and  leeward,  and  finally  waded 
in  up  to  his  waist,  and  threw  his  flies  most  skillfully,  but  never 
raised  a  fin.  At  length,  as  the  sun  grew  tolerably  hot,  he  turned 
to  R.  who  lay  under  a  tree  solacing  himself  with  a  book  and  a 
cigar,  and  exclaimed  : 

li  I  don't  believe  there  is  a  trout  in  your  pond." 

"  I  don't  know  that  there  is,"  replied  R.  imperturbably. 

"  Why,  you  told  me  there  was." 

41  O,  no,"  said  R.  leisurely  turning  and  lighting  another  cigar, 
;<  you  arfrfed  me  if  you  could  fish  for  trout  here,  and  I  said  you  cou.i  j 
as  well  **  not.     I've  seen  folks  do  it  often,  but  I  never  knew  of  ore  i 
being  0-  *ght  here." 


THE    ODDS    AGAINST    HIM. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  145 


CROW  EATING. — A  worthy  old  farmer  residing  in  the  vicinity 
of  Lake  Mahopack,  was  worried  to  death  last  summer  by  board- 
ers. They  found  fault  with  his  table,  and  said  he  h.ad  nothing  fit 
to  eat. 

"  Darn  it,"  said  old  Isaac,  one  day,  "what  a  fuss  you're  making. 
I  can  eat  anything." 

<;  Can  you  eat  a  crow  ?"  said  one  of  the  boarders. 

"  Yes  I  kin  eat  a  crow  ! " 

"  Bet  you  a  hat,"  said  the  guest. 

The  bet  was  made,  the  crow  caught  and  nicely  roasted,  but,  be- 
fore serving  up,  they  contrived  to  season  it  with  a  good  dose  of 
Scotch  snuff.  Isaac  sat  down  to  the  crow.  He  took  a  good  bite, 
and  began  to  chew  away. 

"  Yes,  I  kin  eat  crow  !  (another  bite  and  an  awful  face,)  I  kin 
eat  crow  ;  but  Fll  be  darned  if  I  hanker  arter  it?* 

SOMEBODY  IN  MY  BED  ! — A  week  or  two  ago,  during  my  pere- 
grinations through  northern  Pennsylvania,  spreading  knowledge 
among  the  denizens  thereof  (I  sell  books),  I  "just  dropped  in"  at 
a  comfortable-looking  inn,  where  I  concluded  to  remain  for  a  day 
or  two.  After  a  good  substantial  supper,  I  lit  a  "York  Couuty 
Principe,"  (the  like  of  which  sell  in  these  regions  four  for  a  cent,) 
and  seated  myself  in  the  ring  formed  around  the  bar-room  stove. 
There  was  the  brawny  butcher,  the  effeminate  tailor,  a  Yankee 
fiddler,  two  horse  dealers,  a  speculator,  a  blackleg,  the  vi'lage 
Esculapius,  and  "  the  Captain,"  who,  in  conseqaence  of  being 
able  to  live  on  his  me?ns,  was  a  person  of  no  small  importance, 
and  therefore  allowed  to  sit  before  the  fire-stove  with  the  poker  to 
stir  the  flre — a  mark  of  respect  granted  on  j  to  persons  of  standing. 

Yam  after  yarn  had  been  spun,  and  the  hour  for  retiring  had 
arrived — the  landlord  was  dosing  behind  his  bar — and  the  spirit  of 
the  conversation  was  beginning  to  flag,  when  the  doctor  whispered 


146 


MRS.     PARTINGTON     8 


to  me,  that  if  I  would  pay  attention,  he  would  "  top  off"  with  a 
good  one. 

'"  I  believ  -captain,"  said  the  doctor,  "  I  never  told  you  abeut 
my  adventure  with  a  woman  at  my  boarding-house,  when  I  was 
attending  the  lecture." 

"  No,  let's  have  it,"  replied  the  individual  addressed,  who  was 
a  short  flabby,  fat  man  of  about  fifty,  with  a  highly  nervous  tem- 
perament, and  a  very  red  face. 

"  At  the  time  I  attended  the  lectures,  I  boarded  at  a  house  in 
which  there  were  no  females  but  the  landlady  and  an  old  colored  j 
cook " 

(Here  the  doctor  made  a  slight  pause ;  and  the  captain  by  way 
of  requesting  him  to  go  on,  said  "  Well.") 

"  I  often  felt  the  want  of  female  society  to  soften  the  severe  labor 
of  deep  study,  and  dispel  the  ennui  to  which  I  was  subject " 

"Well,"  said  the  captain. 

"  But  as  I  feared  that  forming  acquaintances  among  the  ladies 
might  interfere  with  my  studies,  I  avoided  them  all " 

"  Well." 

"One  evening,  after  listening  to  a  long  lecture  on  physical 
anatomy,  and  after  dissecting  a  large  negro,  fatigued  in  body  and 
mind,  I  went  to  my  lodgings  " 

"Well,"  said  the  captain. 

"  I  went  into  the  hall,  took  a  large  lamp,  and  went  directly  to 
my  room,  it  being  then  after  one  o'clock " 

"  Well  !" 

"  I  placed  the  light  upon  the  table,  and  commenced  undressing. 
I  had  hardly  got  my  coat  off  when  my  attention  was  attracted  to 
a  frock  and  a  quantity  of  petticoats,  lying  on  a  chair  neir  the 
bed " 

"  Well !"  said  the  captain,  who  began  to  show  signs  that  he  was 
deeply  interested. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  147 

'•'  And  a  pair  of  beautiful  small  shoes  and  stockings  on  the  floor. 
Of  course  I  thought  it  strange,  and  was  about  to  retire  ;  but  then 
I  thought  it  was  my  room ;  I  had  at  least  a  right  to  know  who 
was  in  my  bed." 

"Exactly/'  nodded  the  captain ;  "well." 

"  So  I  took  the  light,  went  softly  to  the  bed,  and  with  a  trembling 
hand  drew  aside  the  curtain.  Heavens  !  what  a  sight !  A  young 
girl,  I  should  say  an  angel,  of  about  eighteen,  was  in  there 
asleep " 

"  Well  !"  said  the  captain,  giving  his  chair  a  hitch. 

"  As  I  gazed  upon  her,  I  thought  that  I  never  witnessed  any- 
thing more  beautiful.  From  underneath  a  little  night  cap,  rival- 
ling the  snow  in  Whiteness,  fell  a  stray  ringlet  over  a  neck  and 
shoulders  of  alabaster " 

"  Well  !"  said  the  excited  captain,  giving  his  chair  another 
hitch. 

"  Never  did  I  look  upon  a  bust  more  perfectly  formed.  I  took 
hold  of  the  crverlid  and  softly  pulled  it  down " 

"Well!"  said  the  captain,  betraying  the  utmost  excite- 
ment. • 

"  To  her  waist " 

"  Well  /"  said  the  captain,  dropping  the  paper,  and  renewing 
the  position  of  his  legs. 

"She  had  on  a  night-dress,  buttoned  up  before,  but  softly  I 
opened  tho  two  first  buttons " 

"WELL  !"  said  the  captain, wrought  to  the  highest  pitch  of  ex- 
citement. 

"  And  then,  ye  gods  !  what  a  sight  to  gaze  upon !  A  Hebe — 
pshaw  !  words  fail.  Just  then " 

"  WELL  ! "  said  the  captain,  hitching  his  chair  right  and  left, 
and  squirting  his  tobacco-juice  against  the  stove  that  it  fairly  fizzed 
again. 


148  MRS.  PARTINGTON'S 

"  I  thought  that  I  was  taking  a  mean  advantage  of  hcr;  seized 
my  coat  and  boots,  and  went  and  slept  in  another  room  ."' 

"  IV s  a  lie  /"  shouted  the  excited  captain,  jumping  up  and  kick- 
ing over  his  chair.  " IPs  a  lie!" 

THE  SCOLD'S  VOCABULARY. — The  copiousness  of  the  English 
language,  perhaps,  was  never  more  apparent  than  in  the  following 
character,  by  a  lady,  of  her  husband :  "  He  is,"  says  she,  "  an 
abhorred,  barbarous,  capricious,  detestable,  envious,  hard-hearted, 
illiberal,  ill-natured,  jealous,  keen,  loathesome,  malevolent,  nau- 
seous, obstinate,  passionate,  quarrelsome,  raging,  saucy,  tantaliz- 
ing, uncomfortable,  vexatious,  abominable,  bitter,  captious,  disa- 
greeable, execrable,  fierce,  grating,  gross,  hasty,  malicious,  nefari- 
ous, obstreperous,  peevish,  restless,  savage,  tart,  unpleasant,  violent, 
waspish,  worrying,  acrimonious,  blustering,  careless,  discontented, 
fretful,  growling,  hateful,  inattentive,  malignant,  noisy,  odious, 
perverse,  rigid,  severe,  teasing  unsuitable,  angry,  boisterous,  chol- 
eric, disgusting,  offensive,  sneaking,  awkward,  bearish,  brutal, 
crabbed,  churlish,  outrageous,  stupid,  sulky,  sullen,  treacherous, 
tyrannical,  virulent,  yelping  dog  in  a  manger." 


KNOCK    AND    RING. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  149 


A  CANDID  OPINION. — A  country  gentleman,  after  dinner,  laid 
hard  siege  to  his  hostess'  wine,  despite  of  her  pressing  invitations  to 
taste  her  "  excellent  made  wines,  for  which  she  had  always  been 
so  famed.1'  Having  at  length  prevailed,  she  ventured  to  ask  for 
an  opinion.  "  I  always  give  a  candid  one,"  said  her  guest, 
"  where  eating  and  drinking  are  concerned.  It  is  admirable  stuff 
to  catch  flies." 

A  DARNED  SIGHT  TOO  SMALL. — "Grandfather,"  said  a  saucy 
little  imp  the  other  day  j  "  how  old  are  you  .•'" 

The  old  gentleman,  who  had  been  a  soldier  in  the  war  of  the 
Revolution,  and  was  much  under  the  ordinary  size,  took  the  child 
between  his  knees,  and  patting  him  on  th«  head  with  all  the  fond- 
ness of  a  second  child  of  life,  said  : 

"  My  dear  boy.  /  am  ninety-Jive  years  oW,"  and  then  commenced 
to  amuse  the  lad  with  some  of  the  incidents  in  the  story  of  his  life 
— at  the  conclusion  of  which  he  addressed  the  youngster. 

"  But.  my  son,  why  did  you  ask  such  a  question  ?" 

When  the  little  rascal,  with  ail  the  importance  of  a  Napoleon, 
strutted  off,  and  hitching  up  the  first  pair  of  trousers  he  ever  wore, 
after  the  approved  sailor  fashion,  replied  : 

"  Well,  it  appears  to  me  you  are  darned  small  of  your  age  /" 

There  is  none  of  the  right  kind  of  birch  that  grows  round  in 
sufficient  quantities  where  such  boys  are  raised. 


"  PICKING    UP    A    LIVING ' 


150 


MRS,  PARTINGTON  AND  SALVATION. — Mrs.  Partington  says  that  \ 
nothing  despises  her  so  much  as  to  see  people,  who  profess  to  expect  j 
salvation,  go  to  church  without  their  purses,  when  a  recollect  is  to 
be  taken. 

"  No  USE  AN  CUSSIN." — Most  persons  have  doubtless  heard  the 
anecdote  related  by  the  Temperance  lecturer,  White,  of  the  market- 
man  who  was  in  the  habit  of  swearing  his  way  through  life,  and 
making  the  most  obstinate  and  apparently  insurmountable  obstacles 
in  his  path  yield  to  his  highly  concentrated  and  all-powerful  manner 
of  employing  his  "  Maker's  name  in  vain."  They  will  remember 
his  trip  to  town  with  the  old  rickety  cart,  full  of  turnips,  drawn 
by  the  old  gray  horse,  and  that  long  red  hill,  the  top  of  which,  by 
his  never  failing  elixir,  spiced  with  a  free  use  of  the  whip  on  the 
aforesaid  grey,  he  had  nearly  reached  when  the  back  board  of  his 
cart  fell  out,  and  the  turnips  followed,  rolling,  jumping,  and 
chasing  each  other  down  the  hill,  and  into  the  ditches  by  the  road 
side. 

They  can  imagine,  too,  better  than  I  can  describe,  the  fellow's 
sudden,  "  wo-o-oo  !"  to  old  gray,  and  the  rising  up  of  his  wrath, 
which  choked  down  all  utterance — how  he  paced  the  road,  and  ran 
his  fingers  through  his  hair,  as  his  eyes  followed  the  retreating 
turnips,  frolicking  down  the  hill,  like  juveniles  turned  out  of 
school,  on  the  eve  of  a  holiday,  and  the  indignation  which  fired  his 
soul,  when  with  arms  akimbo,  he  earnestly  declared,  "  It's  no  use 
a  cussin  !  I  can't  do  the  subject  justice  !" 

DONE  BROWN. — An  Irishman  joined,  without  invitation,  a  party 

dining  at  an  inn.     After  dinner  he  boasted  so  much  of  his  abilities, 

j  that  one  of  the  party  said,  "  You  have  told  us  enough  of  what  you 

j  can  do,  tell  us  something  you  cannot  do."     "'Faith."  said  he,  •'  I 

j  cannot  pay  my  share  of  the  reckoning." 


CARPET-BAG     OF      FUN.  151 


A  PRETTY  CONSIDERABLE  SHAKE. — A  paper  out  West  says  that 
ihe  ague  has  been  so  severe  in  "  them  parts,"  that  a  person  afflict- 
ed with  it  actually  shook  the  toe-nails  off  his  finger-ends. 

LAW  ELOQUENCE  IN  KENTUCKY. — The  following  powerful,  ele- 
gant, and  classic  appeal  was  made  in  a  court  of  justice  somewhere 
in  Kentucky  by  one  of  the  "  learned  heads"  of  the  bar  : — "  Gentle- 
men of  the  jury, — Do  you  think  my  client,  who  lives  in  the  pleas- 
ant valley  of  Kentucky,  where  the  lands  is  rich,  and  soil  are  fertile, 
would  be  guilty  of  stealing  eleving  little  skains  of  cotting  ?  I  think 
not.  I  reckon  not,  I  calculate  not.  And  I  guess,  Gentlemen  of  the 
Jury,  that  you  had  better  bring  my  client  in  not  guilty,  for  if  you 
convict  him,  he  and  his  son  John  will  lick  the  whole  of  you  !" 

HOT  AND  COLD. — An  Irishman  discovered  a  part  of  Ihe  wood- 
work of  a  chimney-piece  on  fire,  that  endangered  the  whole  house. 
He  rushed  up-stairs  to- his  master,  and  announced  the  alarming  in- 
telligence. Down  he  rushed  with  him.  A  large  kettle  of  boiling 
water  was  on  the  fire.  "Well,  why  don't  you « put  out  the  fire?"- 
•i  I  can't,  surr."  "  Why,  you  fool  !  pour  the  water  upon  it." 
"  Sure,  it's  hot  water,  surr." 


TOAST  AND  SENTIMENT. 


THE  AUCTIONEER. — There  is  no  man  who  spends  so  much 
breath,  who  talks  so  fast  and  is  so  lavish  of  words,  as  the  auc- 
tioneer. He  repeats  the  same  thing  over  and  over  again,  and  never 
grudges  his  labor.  He  is  fond  of  smart  sayings  and  sudden  turns 
in  the  sense  ;  and  he  is  witty,  at  the  expense  of  his  goods  «r  the 
expense  of  his  customers.  He  can  talk  of  several  different  things 
at  once,  and  without  confusion.  But  he  sometimes  very  ludicrous- 
ly mixes  up  different  subjects  in  the  same  sentence.  For  instance, 
lately  dropping  in  at  a  book-auction,  there  happened  to  be  a  man 
who  annoyed  the  company  and  the  auctioneer  with  a  segar.  The 
book  had  gone  up  to  twenty  seven  cents  and  a  half,  and  the  auc- 
tioneer, dwelling  upon  it,  cried  "  And  a  half,  and  a  half," — when 
smelling  the  annoyance  he  shouted  out,  "  D — n  your  segar ! — and 
a  half,  and  a  half,  and  a  half, — thirty— thirty-two  and  a  half,  and 
a  half — kick  out  that  man  with  a  segar,  and  a  half,  and  a  half —  J 
f  going,  going — thirty-five,  thirty-five — thirty-seven  and  a.  half — 
curse  that  segar  smoke  ! — and  a  half,  and  a.  half — I'd  rather  have 
the  devil  about  me — and  a  half,  and  a  half,  and  a  half — it  gives 
me  the  phthisic — and  a  half,  and  a  half — going,  going — forty, 
forty  cents — forty  two  and  a  half — who's  putting  brim^one  on  the 
stove? — and  a  half,  and  a  half,  and  a  half — I  wish  I  had  hold  of 
that  boy — and  a  half,  and  a  half,  and  a  half — I'd  choke  the  rascal 
— and  a  half,  and  a  half — going,  going — who  says  forty  five — not' 
half  the  price  of  the  book — and  a  half,  and  a  half — forty  two,  and 
a  half — a  treatise  on  the  toothache,  gentlemen — who'll  give  fifty 
cents  for  the  toothache,  and  a  half,  and  a  half,  forty-seven  and  a  f 
half — look  at  that  boy  there — and  a  half,  and  a  half — pocketing  \ 
one  of  those  pen-knives  and  a  half,  and  a  half — I  can't  have  l"hy 
eyes  everywhere — and  a  half,  and  a  half— fifty — fifty  two  and  a 
half — kick  all  the  boys  out  of  the  room — and  a  half,  and  a  half — 
kick  'em  out,  I  say — and  a  half,  and  a  half — going,  going,  gone." 

In  most  quarrels  there  is  a  fault  on  both  sides." 

_ I 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN  153 


A  NEW  DISH. — A  gentleman,  whose  knowledge  of  the  French 
was  limited  to  a  few  words,  and  who  was  ignorant  of  the  meaning 
even  of  those,  called  in  at  one  of  our  French  restaurants  a  few  days 
since  for  his  dinner. 

"  Vat  vill  you  have,  sare  ?"  said  the  attentive  French  waiter. 

"  I'll  take  some  of  that — that — what  do  you  call  it  ? — same  as  I 
had  yesterday — some  French  dish  or  other." 

"  I  do  not  recollect,  sare,  vat  you  did  have  day  before  dis." 

"  Oh  !  some  fried  dish — let's  see,  a  fried  fille  de  chambre — I  be- 
lieve that's  what  they  call  it.77  % 

The  poor  waiter  shrugged  his  shoulders,  and  put  on  a  look  of 
perfect  astonishment,  when  his  customer  called  for  a  fried  chain-  \ 
bermaid  ! 

TOUCHING  His  SOFT  SPOT. — A  young  gentleman,  not  remarka- 
ble for  talent  or  experience,  was  in  the  habit  of  visiting  a  family 
in  which  there  were,  among  others,  two  ladies  and  a  little  girl. 
;  The  ladies  were  once  discussing  his  acquirements,  in  the  presence 

j  of  the  child,  and  one  of  them  observed  that  :'  Mr. had  a 

j  soft  place  in  his  head.77  This  was  treasured  up  by  the  child,  and 
at  a  subsequent  visit  the  young  phrenologist  commenced  an  exam- 
ination of  the  gentleman's  cranium,  for  the  purpose  of  ascertaining 
where  this  new  organ  was  situated.  Unfortunately,  she  imagined 
she  found  it,  and,  to  the  discomfiture  of  the  ladies,  exclaimed,  "  Oh, 

sister  !  Mr. really  has,  as  you  said,  a  soft  place  in  his  head, 

for  here  it  is  under  my  finger.7' 

A  MILLERITE  MIRACLE. — In  a  little  village,  in  the  State  of 
Hoosierana,  in  the  year  1844,  there  was  all  sorts  of  excitement 
concerning  the  doctrines  and  prophecies  of  that  arch-deceiver, 
Miller.  For  months,  the  midnight  cry  followed  by  the  morning 
howl  and  the  noonday  yell,  had  circulated  through  the  village  and 
surrounding  counties.  The  night  of  the  third  of  April,  was  the 


154  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


time  agreed  upon  out  west  here  for  the  grand  exhibition  of  "  ground 

and  lofty  tumbling ;"  and  about  ten  o'clock  of  the  said  night.  ? 

numbers  of  the  Millerites  assembled  on  the  outskirts  of  the  town.  | 

on  a  little  eminence,  upon  which  the  proprietor  had  allowed  a  few  I 

trees  to  stand.     In   the  crowd,  and  the  only  representative  of  his  J 

'  race  present,  was  a  free  negro,  by  the  name  of  Sam,  about  as  ugly,  ? 

black,  woolly,  and  rough  a  descendant  of  Ham  as  ever  baked  his 

I  shins  over  a  kitchen  fire. 

?      Sam's  head  was  small,  body  and  arms  very  long,  and  his  legs 
j  bore  a  remarkable   resemblance  to  a  pair  of  hams  :  in  fact,  put 
Sam  on  a  horse,  his  legs  clasped  round  itsrneck.  his  head  towards 
!  the  tail,  and  his  arms  clasped  around  the  animal's  hams,  and  at 
I  ten  paces  off"  you  would  swear  he  was  an  old  set  of  patent  gearing. 
\      The  leader  of  the  Millerites,  owing  to  an  "  ancient  grudge  he  \ 
bore  him,"  hated  Sam  like  smoke,  and  had  done  all  in  his  power  to  \ 
prevent  his  admittance  among  the  "  elect,"  but  all  to  no  purpose : 
Sam  would  creep  in  at  every  meeting,  and  to-night  here  he  was 
again,  dressed  in  a  white  robe  of  cheap  cotton,  secured  to  his  body 
by  a  belt,  and  shouting  and  praying  as  loud  as  the  best. 

Now,  on  the  morning  of  the  third,  a  genius  named  Cabe,  had, 
with  a  deal  of  perseverance,  and  more  trouble,  managed  to  throw 
a  half-inch  hemp  cord  over  the  branch  of  an  oak  which  stretched  ) 
its  long  arm  directly  over  the  spot  where  the  Millerites  would  [ 
assemble ;  one  end  he  had  secured  to  the  body  of  the  tree,  and  the 
other  to  a  stump  some  distance  off.     About  ten  o'clock,  when  the 
excitement  was  getting  about  "  eighty  pounds  to  the  inch,"  Cabe, 
( wrapped  in  an  old  sheet,  walked  into  the  crowd,  and  proceeded  to  | 
j  fasten,  in  as  secure  a  manner  as  possible,  the  end  of  the  rope  to  j 
I  the  back  part  of  the  belt  which  confined  Sam's  robe;  and,  having  I 
succeeded,  "sloped"  to  join  some  of  his  companions  who  had  the  $ 
other  end.     The  fe\*   stars  in  the  sky  threw  a  dim  light  over  the 
scene,  and  in  a  few  moments  the  voice  of  Sam  was  heard,  exclaim- 
ing, "0  Lor  !     Fse  a  a  goin'  up  !     Who-o-oh  !"  and,  Fiire  enough. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


155 


Sam  was  seen  mounting  into  the  "  ethereal  blue  ;"  this  was.  how- 
ever, checked  when  he  had  cleared  terra  firma  a  few  feet.  "  Glory  !" 
cried  one ;  "  Hallelujah  !"  another,  and  shrieks  and  yells  made 
night  hideous  •  some  fainted,  others  prayed,  and  not  a  few  dropped 
their  robes  and  "slid."  Now,  whether  it  was  owing  to  the  light- 
eess  of  his  head,  or  the  length  and  weight  of  his  heels,  or  both, 
Sam's  position  was  not  a  pleasant  one  :  the  belt  to  which  Cabe's 
cord  was  attached  was  bound  exactly  round  his  centre  of  gravity, 
and  Sam  swung  like  a  pair  of  scales,  head  up  and  heels  down, 
heels  up  and  head  down,  at  the  same  time  sweeping  over  the 
crowd  lil  »,  a  pendulum,  which  motion  was  accelerated  by  his 
strenuous  dapping  of  hands  and  vigorous  kicking.  At  length, 
he  became  alarmed ;  he  wouldn't  go  up  and  he  couldn't  come 
down!  "  Lor  a  massy,"  cried  he,  "jest  take  up  poor*  nigger  to 
I  um  bosom,  or  lef  him  down  again,  easy,  easy.  Lef  him  down  agin, 
/  please  um  Lor,  and  dis  nigger  will  go  straight  to  um  bed  !  Ugh-h  !"  . 
and  Sam's  teeth  chattered  with  affright,  and  he  kicked  again  more  j 
vigorously  than  before,  bringing  his  head  directly  downward  and  j 
his  heels  up,  when  a  woman,  shrieking  out,  "  0  brother  Sam,  take 
me  with  you  !"  sprung  at  his  head  as  he  swept  by  her,  and  caught 
him  by  the  wool,  bringing  him  up  "  all  standing."  ':  Gcsh,  sister  !" 
cried  Sam,  "lef  go  um  poor  nigger's  har"  Cabe  gave  another 
pull  at  the  rope,  but  the  additional  weight  was  too  much  ;  the  belt  j 
gave  way  and  down  come  Sam,  his  bullet-head  taking  the  leader 
of  the  saints  a  "  feeler  "  just  between  the  eyes.  "  Gosh  !  is  I ) 
down  agin?"  cried  the  bewildered  Sam.  gathering  himself  up.  "  I 
)  is,  bress  de  Lor  !  but  I  was  nearly  dar,  I  seed  de  gate !"  The 
j,  leader  took  Sam  by  the  nape  of  the  neck,  led  him  to  the  edge  of 
the  crowd,  and,  giving  him  a  kick,  aid,  "Leave,  you  cussed 
baboon  !  you  are  so  ugly  /  knowed  they  woCdri't  let  you  in  /" 


A  QUANDARY. — A  baker  with  both  arms  in  the  dough  up  to  his 
elbows,  and  a  flea  in  the  leg  of  his  trowsers. 


I    156  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 

< 


\  A  TOUGH  MEAL. — A  freshly  imported  Patlander,  who  had 
\  engaged  himself  as  a  waiter  at  one  of  the  hotels,  was  ordered  by 
I  one  of  the*guests  to  bring  him  a  napkin.  Now,  this  was  an  article 
5  that  Pat  had  never  heard  of  in  all  his  life,  and  to  save  his  soul  from 
]  purgatory  he  could  not  tell  what  the  gentleman  meant.  His  Irish 

blood  forbade  him  displaying  his  ignorance,  so  he  went  off  as  if  to 

comply  with  the  order.     Presently  a  thought  struck  him,  and  he 

returned  to  the  gentleman  saying — 

"  Faix,  sir.  and  will  ye  be  pleased  to  take  something  else,  the 

napkins  be  all  ate  up  !" 

"Did  you  receive  my  remittance,  Nathan,  my  son ?" 

u  Yes,  father." 

"  Then  why  did  thee  not  buy  a  new  coat ! — thy  present  one  is 
rather  fragile." 

'*  Why — the  fact  is — that — I  left  all  my  money  in  the  bank  at 
New  Orleans." 

"Ah!  thy  economy  is  certainly  commendable  —  in  what 
bank?" 

"  I  don't  exactly  remember  what  bank,  father — I  know  it  was  a 
very  good  one,  as  it  had  a  scriptural  name.  It  was — um  !  let  me 
see — it  was  the  Pharoah  bank,  I  think." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


157 


THE  DESIRED  EFFECT. — A  young  girl  from  the  country  being 
on  a  visit  to  a  Quaker,  was  prevailed  on  to  accompany  him  to 
meeting.  It  happened  to  be  a  silent  one,  none  of  the  brethren  be- 
ing moved  by  the  spirit  to  utter  a  syllable.  When  the  Quaker 
left  the  meeting-house  with  his  young  friend,  he  asked  her  '•'  How 
didst  thou  like  the  meeting  ?"  to  which  she  pettishly  replied,  "  Like 
it  ?  why  I  can  see  no  sense  in  it — to  go  and  sit  for  whole  hours  to- 
gether without  speaking  a  word;  it  is  enough  to  kill  the  devil}'1 
11  Yea,  my  dear,"  rejoined  the  Quaker,  "  that  is  just  what  we  want." 

LOST  AND  FOUND. — Some  gentlemen  of  a  Bible  Association  call- 
ing upon  an  old  woman  to  see  if  she  had  a  bible,  were  severely 
reproved  with  the  spiritual  reply,  "  Do  you  think,  gentlemen, 
that  I  am  a  heathen,  that  you  should  ask  me  such  a  question  ?" 
Then,  addressing  a  little  girl,  she  said,  "  Run  and  fetch  the  bible 
j  out  of  my  drawer,  that  I  may  show  it  to  the  gentlemen/'  The 
gentlemen  declined  giving  her  the  trouble,  but  she  insisted  on 
giving  them  ocular  demonstration.  Accordingly,  the  bible  was 
brought,  nicely  covered  ;  and.  on  opening  it,  the  old  woman  ex- 
claimed, '•'"  Well,  how  glad  I  am  you  have  come :  here  are  my 
spectacles,  that  I  have  been  looking  for  these  three  years,  and 
didn't  know  where  to  find  ;em." 


A  DISTINCTION. — A  gentleman   discharged    his    coachman   for 
overturning  him  in  his  carriage,  on  his  road  home  from  a  dinner 
party.     The  man,  the  next  morning,  craved  pardon,  by  acknow- 
-  ledging  his  fault :  "  I  had  certainly  drunk   too  much,  sir,"  said 
he ;  "  but  I  was  not  very  drunk,  and  gentlemen,  you  know,  some- 1 
times  get  drunk}''     il  Why,"  replied  the  master,  ':  I  don't  say  you  I 
were  very  drunk  for  a  gentleman,  but  you  were  d — d  drunk  for  i 
a  coachma.n.     So  get  about  your  business." 


UNBLUSHING  FACT. — "Take  care  of  the  paint,"  as  the  city  gals 
5  saj  ven  a  feller  goes  to  kiss  'em. 


158 


MRS.      PARTINGTONS 


ENDURING  GRIEF  OF  WIDOWS. — A  young  Tipperary  widow, 
Nelly  MThee,  was  courted  and  actually  had  an  offer  from  Tooley 
O'Shane,  on  her  way  to  her  husband's  funeral.  "  She  accepted, 
ot  course,"  said  Grossman.  "  No,  she  didn't, ;  said  Smith. 
<  "  Tojley,  dear,''  says  she,  "  y're  too  late ;  four  weeks  ago  it  was  I 
shook  hands  wi'  Pat  Sweeney  upon  it  that  I  would  have  him  a 
dacent  time  arter  poor  M:Phee  was  under  board."  "  Well,"  said 
Grossman,  u  widows  of  all  nations  are  much  alike.  There  was  a 
Dutch  woman  whose  husband.  Diedric  Van  Pronk,  died  and  left 
her  inconsolable.  He  was  buried  on  Cop's  Hill.  Folks  said  that 
grief  would  kill  that  widow.  She.  had  a  figure  of  wood  carved 
that  looked  very  like  her  late  husband,  and  constantly  kept  it  in 
bed  for  several  months.  In  about  half  a  year  she  became  interest- 
ed in  a  young  shoemaker,  who  took  the  length  of  her  foot,  and  finally 
married  her.  He  had  visited  the  widow  not  more  than  a  fortnight 
when  the  servants  told  her  they  were  out  of  kindling  stuffj  and 
asked  what  should  be  done.  After  a  pause,  the  widow  replied  in 
a  very  quiet  way — '  Mape  it  ish  well  enough  now  ic  shplit  up  old 
Van  Pronk  vat  is  up-stairs.'  " 

SOAPED  HER  TOO  SLICK. — •i  Wall,"  said  a  soft-hearted  blubber- 
ing Jonathan,  the  other  day,  "  Suke  has  gin  me  the  «ack.  by  gravy ! 
I've  lost  her."  "  Lost  her ;  how  ?"  inquired  his  sympathizing 
friend.  "  I  laid  the  soft  soap  on  to  her  so  thick,  ihat  the  critter 
got  so  proud  she  wouldn't  speak  to  me." 


V    P01NTKKS. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  159 

A  YOUNG  BLOOMER. — A  little  girl,  dressed  in  the  Bloomer 
costume,  who  had  been  seated  between  her  elder  sister  and  her 
bead,  during  a  drive  to  the  country,  on  her  return,  accosted  her 
mother  thus :  "  Ma,  ma,  [  wont  ride  with  sister  Jane  and  Thomas 
Smith  any  more,  for  he  keeps  a-hugging  and  a-kissing  her  all  the 
while.  Now  just  see  how  he's  mussed  my  pretty  Bloomer  hat," 
at  the  same  time  holding  up  to  the  astonished  mother's  view  a  di- 
lapidated looking  Bloomer  flat. 

"  Susan?  Susan  !  how  can  you  talk  so?"  was  the  mother's  ex- 
clamation. "  It  can't  be  possible  that  your  sister  allows  Mr.  Smith 
to  take  such  liberties." 

"  Yes,  but  it  is  possible,"  was  the  reply  of  the  mischievous 
minx  ;  "  and  mother,  I  tell  you  she  likes  it  too,  for  she  leans  up 
to  him  just  like  brother  Jack's  Guinea  pig  when  he  scratches 
him." 

The  mother  was  shocked,  and  -vowed  that  she  would  soak  the 
young  Bloomer's  head  in  ice  water. 

EARLY  GRIEF. — A  sentimental  youth,  having  seen  a  young  lady 

1  at  home,  bending  over  something  in  her  lap  and  weeping  bitterly, 

took  the  first  opportunity  of  questioning  her  as  to  tlie  cause  of  her 

sorrow,  and  was  perfectly  awe-struck  on  being  informed  that  she 

was  only  pealing  onions. 

CROSS-EXAMINATION. — "  Mr.  Smith,  you  said  you  once  officiated 
in  a  pulpit ;  do  you  mean  by  that  you  preached  ?" 

'•  No,  sir;  I  held  the  light  for  the  man  that  did." 

"  Ah  !  the  court  understood  you  differently.  They  supposed 
that  the  discourse  came  from  you." 

"  No,  sir;  I  only  throw1  d  a  little  light  on  it." 

c:  No  lei  ity,  Mr.  Smith.  Crier,  wipe  your  nose,  and  call  the 
next  witness." 


j 


160 


A  u  DOWN  EAST"  ORIGINAL. — I  was  rash  enough  on  the  first 
of  the  month  to  go  into  the  country  to  live,  seduced  by  Ralph 
Waldo  Emerson's  laudation  of  spring,  and  am  heartily  sick  of  it ; 
for  the  wind  has  been  on  a  blow  ever  since,  and,  like  a  big  baby, 
made  a  child's  rattle  of  everything  it  could  lay  its  hands  to,  from 
a  "huckleberry"  bush  up  to  an  orthodox  meeting-house.  But 
there  is  one  consolation — my  hen's  nest  ;s  so  arranged  that  the 
eggs  fall  directly  from  the  fowl  into  my  ski  llet  of  hot  water ;  con- 
sequently, I  eat  them  fresher,  perhaps,  than  they  do  at  some  board- 
ing-houses, where  the  landladies  appear  to  believe  that  they  are 
not  fit  to  cook  until  they  have  attained  the  haul  gout ;  or,  perhaps, 
they  keep  them  until  they  are  cheap  enough  to  eat,  on  the  same 

principle  that  "  Johnny  L "  (of  whom  so  many  queer  stories 

are  told)  kept  his  fish.  "Johnny"  was  seen  carrying  home  apiece 
of  fresh  salmon  at  a  time  when  it  was  a  dollar  a  pound.  He  was 
asked  why  he  didn't  wait  until  it  was  cheaper  ?  "  Aha  !"  replied 
Johnny,  "  I  know  what  I'm  about.  I  shall  put  it  in  my  ice-chest: 
and  when  it  gets  down  to  twenty-five  cents  a  pound,  I  shall  eat  it !" 

Johnny  is  the  same  "  stick"  who  set  a  light  that  the  rats  might 
see  to  go  into  his  trap ;  and  when  asked  by  the  painter  what  letter 
he  would  have  put  on  the  panel  of  his  carriage,  preferred  W.,  be- 
cause he  thought  it  the  best  looking  in  the  whole  alphabet.  He 
once  marked  up  the  prices  of  his  goods  in  a  dull  season,  and,  when 
he  had  finished  the  job.  went  home  and  told  his  wife  he  had  made 
a  thousand  dollars  by  the  operation,  forgetting  that  the  merchan- 
dise yet  remained  to  be  sold.  Told  once  that  his  store  was  on  fire, 
he  said  it  couldn't  be,  for  he  had  the  key  in  his  pocket ;  and  he  is 
said  to  have  ordered  a  huge  thermometer  to  regulate  the  weather, 
and  locked  his  door  to  keep  the  heat  out.  When  he  had  killed  his 
pig,  he  sagely  remarked  that  "  it  didn't  wrigh  as  much  as  he  ex- 
pected, and  he  never  thought  it  would."  He  sold  half  of  his  porker 
to  a  neighbor }  but  it  was  a  question  how  it  should  be  d'vided, 
after  cutting  it  across  in  the  middle.  The  neighbor  propost-d  tiw.t 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  161. 


L  should  put  his  hand,  unseen  by  him,  on  one  extremity  or 
the  other,  and  he'd  say,  without  knowing  what  it  was,  whether 
he  would  have  it  or  not.  Johnny  consented,  and,  slightly  cutting 
off  the  pig's  curly  termination,  when  his  friend's  back  was  turned, 
stuck  it  on  the  nose,  and  demanded,  k<  Who  shall  have  the  part 
with  the  tail  on  ?7'  "  I  !"  exclaimed  the  other  triumphantly. 
"  Then  you  have  got  the  fore-quarter  ."  said  Johnny.  On  an- 
other occasion,  some  waggish  butche>  in  the  market  persuaded 
him  that  it  would  improve  the  looks  f  his  favorite  dog  to  cut  his 
tail  shorter.  Johnny  assented  ;  but  /  iring  to  trust  the  operation 
to  any  of  the  wags,  he  got  them  to  ho,d  the  animal  while  he  acted 
as  surgeon,  for  he  said  he  wanted  only  a  very  little  amputated  "  to 
begin  with."  After  calculating  very  nicely  where  to  strike,  Johnny 
raised  the  cleaver,  at  the  same  moment  the  butchers  shoved  the  dog 
along  ;  so  that,  when  the  knife  had  fallen,  the  poor  man  found  that 
he  had  severed  his  cur  in  twain ;  whereupon  he  protested,  in  per- 
fect dismay,  that  "  it  was  a  little  too  short,  by  a  d sight !" 


AWFUL. — "  Henry,   dost  thou  love  me,  dearest  ?" 

"  Ask  the  stars  if  they  love  to  twinkle,  or  the  flowers  to  smell. 
Love  you  !  aye,  as  the  birds  do  love  to  warble,  or  the  breeze  to  fly. 
Why  asks  the  flannel  of  thy  heart  ?" 

"  Because  my  soul  is  grieved.  Care  has  overcast  the  joy  which 
once  spread  a  sunshine  o'er  thy  face ;  anguish  sits  on  thy  brow — 
and  yet  your  Helena  Ann  knows  not  the  cause.  Tell  me  aching 
heart,  why  droops  thy  soul — has  mutton  riz  ?" 

"  No,  my  Helena — thank  the  gods,  no,  but  my  credit  has  fell. 
Cleaver,  from  this  day  forth,  sells  meat  for  cash  !" 

Helena  screeches,  faints,  and  falls  into  her  husband's  arms,  who, 
ir.  the  anguish  of  the  moment  seizes  a  knife,  and  stabs  himself — 
ouer  the  left  shoulder — while  the  curtain  drops. 


162 


MRS.      PARTINGTONS 


V. 


THE   PURSUIT   OF   KNOWLEDGE   UNDER    DIFFICULTIES. 

Mrs.  Partington. — "  BLESS  ME  ;   THE  GARDENER   HAS   FORGOTTEN  TO 
WIND  UP  THE  SUN-DIAL." 


F.NTIRELY  TOO  GOOD. — <:Boy,  why  did  you  take  an  armful  of 
my  shingbs  on  Sunday  ?"     "  Why,  sir.  mother  wanted  some  kind- 

L'ing  wood,  and  I  didn't  want  to  split  wood  on  Sunday." 
^ 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  163 


"ALL'S  NOT  GOLD  THAT  GLITTERS." — One  day  last  week,  a 
smooth-faced  youth  from  that  neck  o'  timber,"  was  strolling  lazily 
up  the  street,  when  he  was  accosted  by  a  seedy-looking  individual 
with — 

"  I  say,  mister,  haint  you  lost  a  watch  ?" 

"How?" 

"  This  'ere  repeater,  which  I've  just  found  in  the  mud.  I  didn't 
know  but  you  lost  it;  if  you  haint,  somebody  has  ;  there'll  be  a 
big — a  very  big  reward.  I'ra  a  married  man — got  sixteen  s-m-a-11 
— very  small — children,  and  an  aged  father  and  mother  dead — 
both  dead,  sir,  very  dead,  an'  1  don't  expect  they'll  live  a  great 
while.  I've  got  to  leave  the  city  on  account  o'  debt — to-morror — 
!  so  take  the  watch  and  give  me  something.  D'ye  think  it's  gold  !" 

Kentuck  believed  the  watch  to  be  gold,  the  "  raal  Kaliforny," 
ut  he  thought  he  would  "  play"  on  the  green  'un  (?)  by  saying — 

«  Gold — thunder  !  No,  it's  brass,  an'  you  stoled  her  to  raise 
cash  with,  an7  I'm  darn  sure  you'll  be  jugged,  old  boss.  I  feel  for 
your  family — I  do — so  here's  a  V.,  the  genuine  stove-pipe." 

The  loafer  fobbed  the  money  and  dodged  up  the  street  in  a 
"  pooty  fast"  trot.  Kentuck  dropped  into  a  jeweller's  and  found 
that  the  works  of  the  watch  were  worth  about  fifty  cents.  With 
a  curse  on  his  lips  he  rushed  around  the  corner  of  the  street  and 
found  the  "  stulfer"  busily  engaged  in  fishing — in  the  sewer. 

"  Say,  you  !    No-feeling  mud-sucker,  what  you  doin'  thar  ?" 

"  Findin'  some  more  watches,  you  cursed  fool."  And  "  seedy" 
sheeted,  congratulating  himself  on  having  "  sold  a  sucker." 


LEFT  THE  PREMISES. — A  landlord,  previous  to  going  round  to 
collect  his  rents,  sent  his  servant  forward  to  prepare  the  tenant  for  j 
his  visit.  On  reaching  the  house,  and  finding  the  man  taking  a 
survey,  and  apparently  endeavoring  to  gain  admittance,  "  What's 
the  matter?"  said  he,  "is  the  door  bolted?" — "No,  master,"  was 
the  reply,  "but  tht  tenant  is." 


164 


MRS.     PARTI NGTONS 


COULDN'T  Do  IT. — A  wag  in  a  country  bar-room,  where  each 
man  was  relating  the  wonderful  tricks  they  had  seen  performed  by 
Signer  Blitz  and  the  rest  of  the  conjuring  family,  expressed  his 
contempt  for  the  whole  tribe,  declaring  that  he  could  perform  any 
of  their  tricks,  especially  that  of  beating  a  watch  in  pieces  and  re 
storing  it  whole. 

It  being  doubted,  he  demanded  a  trial.     Several  watches  wert 
at  once  produced  for  the  experiment. 
,      "There  !"  said  he,  "are  the  pieces. ' 

"Yes,"  all  exclaimed,  t:  now  let's  see  the  watch  !" 

He  used  mysterious  words,  shook  up  the  fragments,  and  at  length 
put  down  the  mortar  and  pestle,  observing. 

"  Well,  I  thought  I  could  do  it,  but  by  George,  I  can't  /" 

"  MONEY,  THE  WORST  KIND." — A  book  auctioneer,  in  Boston,  a 
few  evenings  since,  commenced  his  sale  by  offering  a  small  num- 
ber of  second-hand  books,  part  of  a  private  library.  Amongst  the 
volumes  was  a  large  octavo  copy  of  Johnson's  Dictionary.  "  Now, 
gentlemen,"  said  the  auctioneer,  *'  what's  bid  for  this  ?  it's  just  as 
good  as  new,  and  cost  five  dollars.  What's  bid  ?  Is  three  dollars 
bid?  two  fifty?  two  dollars?  Why,  gentlemen,  this  cost  two  dol- 
lars to  bind.  Will  nobody  bid  the  price  of  binding  ?  One  seventy- 
five—one  fifty  ?  one  twenty-five  ?  one  dollar  ?  Now  it's  no  use 
for  this  crowd  to  stand  with  their  mouths  open  and  no  bids  corning 
out.  You  must  bid  and  there's  no  get  off,  no  how.  Not  one  dol- 
lar ?  Well,  now  I  tell  you  right  straight  up  and  down,  that  you've 
got  to  bid  !  The  book  must  be  sold.  The  owner  wouldn't  sell  it 
for  less  than  four  dollars,  if  he  wasn't  obliged  to ;  but  the  fact  is 
he  wants  money  the  worst  kind  ;  so  it's  no  use  to  come  the  artful 
dodge  ;  you  must  bid."  This  appeal  was  followed  by  a  bid  of  one 
dollar.  "  Thank  you,"  said  the  auctioneer  ;  "  one  dollar,  one  dol- 
lar, one  dollar  •  no  advance,  gentleman  !  One  dollar,  going,  going, 
go-ing — gone  !  I  shall  sell  nothing  so  cheap  to-night,  I  tell  you. 

I 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


165 


Who's  the  bidder  ?"  "  Cash,"  said  one  of  the  crowd,  handing  up 
a  bill  on  which  the  auctioneer  gazed  for  a  moment  in  evident  dis- 
satisfaction. Then  transferring  his  gaze  to  the  bidder,  he  exclaim- 
4,  "  What  do  you  call  this  ?»  "  I  call  it  a  one  dollar  bill,"  said 
the  latter.  "  Well.  I  call  it,"  said  the  auctioneer,  "  a  worthless 
scrap  of  paper  issued  by  the  Bangor  Globe  Bank,  that  busted  all  to 
pieces  years  ago,  and  you  know  it."  "  To  be  sure  I  do,"  said  the 
bidder  coolly,  "  but  as  you  said  the  owner  of  the  book  wanted  money 
the  worst  kind,  I  thought  that  Would  suit  him  to  a  charm  !" 

A  NEW  DISEASE. — "  Warts  on  the  mind  !"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Par- 
tington  the  other  day,  as  she  glanced  into  a  library  through  her  dim 
spectacles.  "  I  have  heerd  of  warts  on  all  parts  of  the  human 
cistern,  but  never  before  on  the  mind.  Oh,  dear,  I  should  think  it 
would  defect  the  brain." 

HE  BOY'S  ANSWER. — Two  boys 
of  a  tender  age,  who  went  by  the 
names  of  Tom  and  Jack  became 
members  of  a  district  school,  in 
a  certain  New  England  town. 
On  making  their  appearance,  the 
teacher  called  them  up  before 
the  assembled  school,  and  pro- 
ceeded to  make  certain  interrog- 
atories, concerning  their  names, 
age,  &c. 

"  Well,  my  fine  lad,"  said  the 
teacher  to  the  first  one,  "  what 
is  your  name  ?" 

"  Tom,"  promptly  answered  the  juvenile. 

"  Tom  !"  said  the  teacher,  "  that  dosen't  sound  well.     Remember  J 


always  to  speak  the  full  name.     Y^ou  should  hnve  saia  Thomas. 


166 


MRS.      PARTINGTON    8 


Now  my  oon,"  (turning  to  the  other  boy,  whose  expectant  face 
suddenly  lighted  up  with  the  satisfaction  of  a  newly  comprehended 
idea.)  "  now  then,  will  you  tell  me  what  your  name  is?" 
"  Jackass,"  replied  the  lad,  in  a  tone  of  confident  decision. 

RATHER  A  BAD  PRACTICE. — A  traveler  stopped  at  a  tavern,  and 
was  much  taken  with  the  landlady,  a  neat  pretty  and  agreeable 
quakeress.  When  about  to  depart,  he  declared  he  could  not  go 
without  a  kiss.  The  pretty  quakeress  blushed,  as  she  replied 
with  great  circumspection,  "  Friend,  thee  must  not  do  so  impudent 
a  thing."  "  By  heavens,  I  will  !"  exclaimed  the  traveler.  "  Well, 
as  thee  has  sworn,  I  will  not  be  the  cause  of  thy  breaking  thine 
oath."  naively  answered  the  blushing  landlady,  "but  thee  must 
not  make  a  practice  of  it !" 

WHAT'S  THE  CAUSE? — A  husband  having  been  left  by  the 
partner  of  his  cares,  at  an  early  day  called  to  investigate  the 
matter,  and  went  at  the  business  in  a  categorical  manner,  as 
follows : — 

"  Haven't  you  always  had  good  maple  wood,  all  split  up,  in  the 
cellar?" 

"  Yes."  said  the  fugitive  lady. 

"  Haint  you  always  had,''  he  continued  rather  excited,  "  a  new 
milch  cow  and  good  carrots  ?" 

"  Yes."       * 

"  Well,  then,  what's  the  cause  ?  Did  I  ever  strike  you  with  a 
billet  of  wood,  or  knock  you  down  with  a  hoe  handle  ?" 

"  No." 

IC  Then  what  in  h—  is  the  cause  ?" 

SETTLING  WITH  A  DOCTOR. — A  young  physician  asking  permis- 
sion of  a  lass  to  kiss  her,  she  replied,  "No  sir,  I  never  like  a 
doctor's  bill  stuck  in  my  face  !" 


CARPET-BAG      OF     FUN. 


RAISING  THE  PRICE  OF  BOARD. — At  the  time  of  General  Taylors 
inauguration,  a  long,  tall,  hungry,  ungainly  fellow,  whose  hands 
hung  as  low  as  his  knees  when  he  stood  up  straight,  made  hi* 
appearance  at  Coleman's  and  took  lodgings.  He  sat  pretty  near 
the  end  of  the  table  every  day  at  dinner,  and  ate  inordinately. 
Soup,  fish,  flesh,  fowl,  desert — his  enormously  long  arms  kept 
sweeping  round  like  the  arms  of  a  huge  wind-mill,  gathering  in 
everything  that  fell  within  the  area  of  a  circle  they  described. 

His  voracity  and  beastly  gluttonness  so  disgusted  the  other 
boarders,  that  about  a  dozen  of  them  went  to  Colernan  and  told  him 
he  must  get  rid  of  the  fellow,  or  they  would  positively  quit  the 
house. 

Coleman  reflected  a  while,  and  finally  thought  he  had  hit  upon 
a  plan.  So  he  took  the  fellow  aside,  and  told  him  that,  owing  to 
the  unusual  crowd  of  people  in  the  city,  and  the  plethora  of  every 
hotel  and  boarding-house,  provision  had  become  scarce  and  high, 
and  he  found  that  he  was  losing  money,  and  should  be  compelled 
to  raise  the  price  of  board  from  two  dollars  and  a  half  to  three 
dollars  a  day. 

"  Don't,"  said  the  fellow,  "  don't  do  it !  I  shall  die  if  you  do 
It  nearly  kills  me  now  to  eat  two  dollars  and  a  half  s  worth,  and 
if  you  raise  the  price  to  three  dollars,  I  shall  die  in  two  days. 
Don't  do  it,  if  you  please  !" 

GIVING  HIM  FITS. — A  Doctor  once  returned  a  coat  to  a  tai.or, 
because  it  did  not  fit  him.  The  tailor  afterwards  seeing  ihe 
doctor  at  the  funeral  of  one  of  his  patients,  said  to  him — 

"  Ah,  doctor,  you  are  a  happy  man." 

"  Why  so  ?" 

"  Because,"  said  the  tailor,  "  you  never  have  any  of  your  bad 
work  returned  on  your  hands." 


A  HINT  TO  ALL. — Rise  early,  and  be  an  economist  of  time. 


j 


168 


ABOUT  RIGHT. — We  once  heard  of  a  preacher  who  was  call* 
upon  by  t:ome  of  his  congregation  to  pray  for  rain,   of  which  the 
crops  stood  greatly  in  need.     His  reply  was  that  he  would  if  his 
congregation  desired  it,  but  he  was  sure  it  would  not  rain  till  the 
wind  shifted. 

BASHFUL  CLERGYMAN. — The  Rev.  John  Brown,  of  Haddington, 
the  well-known  author  of  the  "  Self-Interpreting  Bible,"  was  a 
man  of  singular  bashfulness.  In  token  of  the  truth  of  this  state- 
ment, it  need  only  be  stated  that  his  courtship  lasted  seven  years. 
Six  years  and  a  half  had  passed  away,  and  the  reverend  gentleman 
had  got  no  farther  forward  than  he  had  been  the  first  six  days.  | 
This  state  of  things  became  intolerable,  a  step  in  advance  must  be 
made,  and  Mr.  Brown  summoned  all  his  courage  for  the  deed. 
"Janet,"  said  he,  as  they  sat  in  solemn  silence,  "we've  been 
acquainted  now  for  six  years  an'  mair,  and  I've  never  gotten  a 
kiss  yet.  D'ye  think  I  might  take  one,  my  bonnie  girl?"  "Just 
as  you  like,  John  ;  only  be  becoming  and  proper  wi'  it."  "  Surely, 
Janet,  we'll  ask  a  blessing."  The  blessing  was  asked — the  kiss 
was  taken  •  and  the  worthy  divine,  perfectly  overpowered  with  the 
•  blissful  sensation,  most  rapturously  exclaimed,  "  0  !  woman  !  but 
it  is  gude.  We'll  return  thanks."  Six  months  made  the  pious 
couple  man  and  wife ;  and  added  his  descendant,  who  humorously 
told  the  tale,  a  happier  couple  never  spent  a  long  and  useful  life  i 
together. 


BLOATING  GREAT  GUNS. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


169 


IKAP  WAT  TO  GO    ON  A    "  BUST,  BUT  A    COPT  OF    MRS.    PAETINGTOW  8 

CARPET  BAG  AND  GET  INTOXICATED  (WITH  JOT.) 


A  SAILOR'S  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS. — On  a  voyage  from  Liverpool 
to  New  York,  there  were  among  the  passengers  a  Scotch  clergy- 
man and  a  middle-aged  maiden  lady.  The  latter,  with  the  fore- 
sight or  rather  fussiness — of  her  class,  had  provided  herself  with 
all  manner  of  antidotes  againt  sea-sickness,  not  the  most  disagree- 
able of  which  was  a  case  of  annisette  cordial.  Now,  it  happened 
that  a  fine  active  tar,  one  of  the  crew,  had  on  several  occasions 
rendered  some  slight  service  to  this  lady,  and  being  desirous  of 
repaying  the  obligation,  she  one  afternoon  presented  Jack  with  a 
large  bottle  of  annisette.  Whether  he  was  unconscious  of  the 
strength,  or  beguiled  by  the  sweetness  of  the  liquid,  was  never  ascer- 
tained ;  certain  it  is,  that  some  half  hour  after  the  ceremony  of 

8 


170  MRS.    PARTINOTON'S 


presentation.  Jack  being  ordered  aloft,  made  a  misstep,  and  wag 
precipitated  into  the  angry  flood.  There  was  but  a  light  breeze 
stirring ;  the  cry  of  "  man  overboard  !"  brought  every  one  c  a  deck, 
and  though  the  order  to  "  back  topsails"  was  given  almost  simul- 
taneously with  Jack's  plunge,  he  was  some  half  mile  astern  before 
the  boat  could  be  lowered  and  manned.  But  he  was  a  lusty  swim- 
mer, and  bore  up  bravely,  singing  out  to  those  in  the  boat,  as  he  rose 
upon  the  surges,  "  Bear  a  hand,  d — n  your  eyes  !  don't  you  see 
I'm  swallowing  the  ocean  ?" 

With  little  difficulty  he  was  got  into  the  boat,  and  soon,  dripping 
like  a  wet  Newfoundland  dog,  was  in  safety  on  the  vessel's  deck. 
The  clergyman  naturally  supposing  that  this  would  be  a  most 
favorable  opportunity  to  impress  upon  Jack's  mind  the  importance 
of  greater  attention  to  his  religious  duties,  &c.,  advanced  and  made 
him  a  most  impressive  exhortation,  dwelt  on  the  imminent  peril 
1  from  which  he  had  just  been  providentially  rescued,  urged  him  in 
future  to  be  more  regardful  of  his  religious  duties,  to  give  up 
drinking,  profane  swearing,  &c.,  in  short,  read  him  a  proper  and 
serious  homily.  The  sailor  listened  gravely  and  attentively  to  the 
end,  then  giving  a  hitch  to  both  sides  of  his  trousers,  at  once  ex- 
claimed as  he  started  for  the  forecastle — 

»  «  D — n  my  eyes,  if  ever  I  went  to  sea  with  a  Parson  yet,  that 
gome  accident  din't  happen  !" 

A  KITCHEN  IN  HEAVEN. — A  negro  woman  was  relating  her 
experience  to  a  gaping  congregation  of  color  ;  among  other  things 
she  said  she  had  been  in  heaven.  One  of  the  servants  asked  her, 
"  Sister,  you  see  any  black  folks  in  heaven  ?"  "  Oh  !  get  out — 
'spose  I  go  in  de  kitchen  when  I  was  dar  ?" 

SETTLE  THAT  BILL. — Why  is  a  young  lady  *ike  a  due  bill  ? 
Because  she  ought  to  be  settled  as  soon  as  she  comes  to  maturity. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  171 


AUNT  KITTY'S  ADVICE. — Oh,  girls !  set  your  affections  on  cats, 
poodles,  parrots,  or  lap-dogs — but  let  matrimony  alone.  It's  the 
hardest  way  on  earth  of  getting  a  living — you  never  know  when 
your  work  is  done  up.  Think  of  carrying  eight  or  nine  children 
through  the  measles,  chicken-pox,  rash,  mumps,  and  scarlet  fever, 
some  of  'em  twice  over ;  it  makes  my  sides  ache  to  think  of  it. 
Oh,  you  may  scrimp  and  save,  and  twist  and  turn,  and  dig  and 
delve,  and  economise  and  die.  and  your  husband  will  marry  again, 
take  what  you've  saved  to  dress  his  second  wife  with,  and  she'll 
take  your  portrait  for  a  fireboard,  and — but  what's  the  use  of 
talking?  I  warrant  every  one  of  you'll  try  it,  the  first  chance 
!  you  get :  there's  a  sort  of  bewitchment  about  it,  somehow. 


A  DOCTOR  AS  is  A  DOCTOR. — A  self-sufficient  humbug  who  took 
up  the  business  of  physician  and  pretended  to  a  deep  knowledge 
of  the  healing  art,  was  once  called  upon  to  visit  a  young  man 
afflicted  with  apoplexy.  Bolus  gazed  long  and  hard,  felt  his 
pulse  and  pocket,  looked  at  his  tongue  and  his  wife,  and  finally 
gave  vent  to  the  following  sublime  opinion : 

"  I  think  he's  a  gone  fellow." 

"  No,  no  !"  exclaimed  the  sorrowing  wife,  "  do  not  say  that." 

"  Yes,"  returned  Bolus,  lifting  up  his  hat  and  eyes  heavenward 
at  the  same  time,  "  yes  I  do  say  so  :  there  arn't  any  hope,  not  the 
leastest  mite — he's  got  an  attack  of  nibil  fit  in  his  lost  frontis — " 

"  Where  ?"  cried  the  startled  wife. 

"  In  his  lost  frontis.  and  can't  be  cured  without  some  trouble 
and  a  great  deal  of  pains.  You  sec  his  whole  planetary  system  is 
deranged  ;  fustly  his  vox  populy  is  pressin'  on  his  advalorum ; 
secondly,  his  cutacarpial  cutaneous  has  swelled  considerably  if 
not  more ;  thirdly,  and  lastly,  his  solar  ribs  are  in  a  concussed  state 
and  he  ain't  got  any  money,  consequently  he's  bound  to  die." 


172  MRS. 

A  PRAYER   CUT  SHORT. — Parson  B ,  was  truty  a  pious 

man,  and  at  the  long  graces  which  usually  followed  the  meals,  he 
and  the  whole  family  reverently  knelt,  except  the  Parson's  brother, 
who,  being  o'er  much  fat,  usually  stood  with  his  back  to  the  table 
and  overlooking  the  garden.  One  day,  it  was  summer  time,  the 
parson  was  unusually  favored  j  not  appearing  to  notice  the  fidgety 
|  movements  of  his  brother,  who  kept  twisting  about  until,  finding 
j  no  ends  to  the  thanks,  he  broke  in  with — "  Cut  it  short,  Parson — 
cut  it  short ;  the  cows  are  in  the  garden  playing  h — 1  with  the 
cabbages."  The  interruption  though  irreverent,  was  well-timed, 
and  the  cows  were  driven  out. 

SEEING  DOUBLE. — A  devotee  of  Bacchus  stepped  out  of  a  hotel 
at  Elmira  the  other  evening,  and  his  perceptive  faculties  not  being 
particularly  distinct,  tumbled  unawares  into  the  lock.  After  pad- 
dling around  about  half  an  hour,  he  succeeded  in  getting  out  and 
obtaining  admittance  in  the  house.  Shaking  his  hat  by  the  stove, 
he  exclaimed  :  "  I  say.  (hie)  Mister,  this  maybe  a  darn  good  tavern, 
(hie)  but  I  think  your  house  (hie)  has  got  a  1-e-e-t-l-e  larger  cistern 
than  it  can  well  afford." 

A  MUSICAL  LECTURE. — "  What  is  a  slur?" 

u  Almost  any  remark  one  singer  makes  about  another." 

«  What  is  a  rest  ?» 

£t  Going  out  of  the  choir  for  refreshments  during  sermontime." 

"  What  is  called  singing  "  with  an  understanding?" 

"  Marking  time  on  the  floor  with  your  foot." 

"  What  is  a  staccato  movement  ?" 

"  Leaving  the  choir  in  a  huff,  because  one  is  dissatisfied  with 
the  leader. 

"What  is  a  swell?" 

c*  A  professor  of  music,  who  pretends  to  kn~w  every  thing  about 
the  so:'  ?nce.  while  he  cannot  conceal  his  ignorance." 


A    TOUNG    SOLOMON. 

"  Ma,"  said  an  intelligent,  thoughtful  boy  of  nine,  "  I  don't 
think  Solomon  was  so  rich  as  they  say  he  was.'7 

"  Why,  my  dear,  what  could  have  put  that  into  your  head  ?" 
asked  the  astonished  mother. 

"  Because  the  Bible  says  he  slept  with  his  fathers,  and  I  think 
if  he  had  been  so  rich  he  would  have  had  a  bed  of  his  own."' 

HAVING  THE  FIRST  BITE. — Said  a  country  landlord  to  an  old 
boarder — "  Mr.  Jenkins,  as  you  always  come  in  late,  have  you  any  ( 
objections  to  this  gentleman  occupying  your  bed  until  the  stage  J 
goes  out?     CiNot  the  least.     I  will  be   infinitely  obliged  to  you  if 
you  will  put  him  there,  so  that  the  bed-bugs  can  have  their  supper 
before  I  come." 


i"74  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


AN  EYE  TO  BUSINESS. — From  a  Western  paper  we  cut  the  fol- 
\  lowing  notice : — 

"  Died — After  a  short  illness  yesterday,  my  wife,  leaving  behind  j 
her  three  infant  children.  In  the  hope  that  her  poor  soul  is  with 
God,  I  beg  to  inform  my  customers  that  my  store  wJll  be  as  well 
furnished  as  formerly,  having  confided  my  business  to  my  princi- 
pal clerk — who  is  extremely  intelligent  and  as  well  versed  in  the 
business  as  the  deceased  herself. 

"N.  B.  Fresh  corned  beef  just  received." 

TAKING  IT  EASY.— Old  Roger  was  a  queer  dick,  and  in  his  own 
way  made  all  things  a  subject  of  rejoicing.  His  son  Ben  came  in 
one  day  and  said — 

"  Father,  that  old  black  sheep  has  got  two  lambs." 

"  Good,"  said  the  old  man,  "  that's  the  most  profitable  sheep  on 
the  farm." 

"  But  one  of  them  is  dead,"  said  Ben. 

"  I'm  glad  on't,"  said  the  old  man,  "  it'ill  be  better  for  the  old 
sheep." 

"  But  Mother's  dead  too,"  said  Ben. 

"  So  much  the  better,"  rejoined  Roger,  "  she'll  make  a  grand 
piece  of  mutton  in  the  fall." 

"  Yes,  but  the  old  sheep's  dead  too."  exclaimed  Ben. 

"  Dead  !  dead  !  what,  the  old  sheep  dead  ?"  cried  old  Roger, 
"  that's  good  j  she  always  was  an  ugly  old  scamp." 

ARKANSAS  BAGGAGE. — u  Boy,  run  up  stairs  to  No.          .  and 
bring  down  my  baggage — hurry,  I'm  about  moving,"  said  a  tall, 
Arkansas-meat-axe-looking  person  to  a  waiter.     "  Whar  is  your 
j  baggage,  rnassa,  and  what  is  he  ?"     u  Why,  three  pistols,  a  pack 
I  of  cards,  a  Bowie-knife,  and  one  shirt.    You'll  find  them  all  under 
j  my  pillov-  " 


|  my  i 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  175 


THE  DOCTOR'S  WELCOME. — Down  east  there  resides  a  certain 
M.  D.  One  very  cold  night  he  was  aroused  from  his  slumber  by 
a  very  loud  rapping  at  his  door.  After  some  hesitation  he  went 
to  the  window  and  asked — 

c;  Who's  there  ?" 

"  Friend  !"  was  the  answer. 

<:What  do  you  want !" 

"Want  to  stay  here  all  night." 

"  Stay  there  then  !"  was  the  benevolent  reply. 


A  DEAD  Loss. — The  other  day  I  met  one  of  my  friends,  an  ex- 
cellent man  ;  he  was  in  deep  mourning :  black  coat,  pants,  vest, 
gloves,  cravat,  and  a  crape  around  his  hat.  He  was  slowly  walk- 
ing, with  his  eyes  fixed  on  the  ground.  "  Ah,  my  friend,"  said  I, 
"  what  have  you  lost  ?"  "  I  have  lost  nothing,"  he  replied,  "  I'm 
a  w4Jower." 

A  YARD  OF  WOOD. — Hundreds  on  the  banks  of  the  Mississippi 

know  that  there  are  a  great  many  wood  yards  established  for  the 

$  purpose  of  supplying  the  numerous  steam  craft  with  fuel.     It  was 

|  on  a  fine  evening  in  the  year ,  that  the  captain  of  one  of  the 

i  immense  "floating  palaces'1''  which  adorn  the  "  king  of  rivers"  was 
quietly  seated  together  with  a  party  of  passengers  in  the  cabin 
|  playing  whist,  when  the  mate  suddenly  entered,  and  going  up  to 
the  captain,  exclaimed : 
"  Out  of  wood,  sir  !" 

"  Ring  the  bell,  and  show  a  light,  then,"  answered  the  com- 
r.ander,  as  he  shuffled  his  pack.     Soon  the  mate  appeared. 
"  Wood-yard,  sir  !" 

The  captain  went  out,  and  addressing  the  woodman,  asked : 
"  What's  the  price  of  wood  ?" 
"  Fr-dr  and  a  half." 
:'  Too  much  !  however  I'll  take  a  cord,"  and  so  saying  he  went 


1T6  MBS. 

_  :  __  1 

back  to  his  game.  He  had  not  been  long  seated  when  the  mate 
again  appeared. 

"  Out  of  wood,  sir  1" 

"  Find  a  yard  as  soon  as  possible.  My  deal  !  Ring  the  bell  ! 
Hearts  are  trumps  !" 

The  mate  soon  appeared  again. 

"  Wood-yard,  sir  !" 

The  captain  again  left  his  party,  and  went  on  deck. 

"  What's  the  price  of  wood  ?» 

"  Four  and  a  half." 

"  Too  high  !  but  as  1  can't  do  any  better,  Fll  take  a  cord." 

Half  an  hour  had  not  elapsed,  when  the  mate  again  appeared. 

"  Out  of  wood,  sir  !" 

"  Your  deal  !  Show  a  light,  and  haul  up  to  the  first  pile  !  My 
game  !" 

The  mate  soon  entered,  and  announced  another  wood  yard. 
Out  went  the  captain. 

"  What's  the  price  of  wood  ?" 

"  Four  and  a  half." 

"  Too  high  !     Can't  take  it  at  that  price." 

He  was  just  going  off,  when  the  woodman  exclaimed  : 

"  Wai,  seein'  as  this  is  the  third  time  you've  wooded  with  us  to- 
night, Fll  let  you  have  some  for  four  /" 

The  captain  was  astounded,  looked  at  the  mate,  and  vanished  ; 
having  made  up  his  mind  that  he  had  about  the  slowest  boat  on  the 
river. 


ALL  IN  THE  BOOTS.  —  tl  Aren't  you  a  little  tight,  my  friend  ?" 
asked  a  wag  of  a  person  who  found  some  difficulty  in  pursuing  an 
"  upright  course"  along  the  side  walk. 

"  No,"  was  the  reply,  "  but  my  (hie)  confounded  boots  arc  tight  ; 
|  been  growing'  tighter  ever  since  mornin'  ;  (hie)  that's  all." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  177 


THE  YANKEE  AND  THE  DOCTOR. — "  Doctor,  that  ere  ratsbane 
)  of  yours  is  first  rate,"  said  a  Yankee  to  an  apothecary. 

"  Know'd  it !  know'd  it !"   said  the  pleasant  vender  of  drugs. 
{  "  Don't  keep  nothing  but  first  rate  doctor  stuff." 

"  And  doctor,"  said  the  other  coolly,  "  I  want  to  buy  another 
pound  of  ye." 

"  Another  pound  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir.  I  gin  that  pound  I  bought  the  other  day  to  a  pesky 
mouse,  and  it  made  him  dreadful  sick,  and  I 
am  sure  that  another  pound  would  kill  him." 


GOOD  PROVISION.  —  A  New  Zealand  chief  having 
been  converted  by  the  powerful  arguments  of  a  mis- 
sionary, requested,  after  the  meeting  was  over,  to 
be  admitted  to  the  Christian  church.  After  a  short 
conversation,  the  missionary  discovered  a  serious  obstacle 
in  the  path  of  the  new  convert — he  was  encumbered  with  nine 
wives.  This  objection  was  stated  to  him,  and  he  was  advised  to 
retain  one  of  them  and  make  some  suitable  provision  for  the  others. 
Disappointed  in  his  first  effort  towards  Christianity,  the  aspirant 
for  the  church  walked  off  with  a  thoughtful  countenance,  and  was 
not  seen  again  for  a  month  or  more,  when  he  came  again  to  the 
missionary,  and,  with  a  joyful  air,  proclaimed  himself  a  suitable 
candidate  for  admission  to  the  church.  "  But  your  wives  !"  said 
the  clergyman.  "  Ah,  me  hab  only  one  wife  now."  "  What  pro- 
vision have  you  made  for  the  others  ?"  "  Ah,  me  make  berry  fine 
provision,"  said  the  convert,  smacking  his  lips  ;  "  me  eat  the  other 
eight  /"  Of  course  the  church  was  too  full  at  that  time. 


NATURAL  RESULT. — An  editor  down  South,  who  had  served  four 
days  on  the  jury,  says  he's  so  full  of  the  law  that  it  is  liard  to  \ 
keep  from  cheating  somebody. 


178 


MRS.      PARTINGTON    S 


CONFIDENTIAL. — •'•  Massa  says  you  must  sartin  pay  de  bill  to- 
day," said  a  negro  to  a  New  Orleans  shop-keeper.  "  Why.  he 
isn't  afraid  I'm  going  to  run  away,  is  he  ?"  was  the  reply.  '{  Not 
zactly  dat ;  but  look  heea,"  said  the  darkey,  slyly  and  mysteriously, 
"  he's  gwoin  to  run  away  heself,  and  darfor  wants  to  make  a  big 
raise  !» 

EXAMINATION  OF  THE  ALPHABET. — Which  are  the  most  indus- 
trious letters? — The  Bee's.  Which  are  the  most  extensive  letters? 
The  Sea's.  Which  are  the  most  masculine  letters  ?  The  He's. 
Which  are  the  egotistical  letters?  The  I's.  Which  are  the 
leguminous  letters  ?  The  Pea's.  Which  are  the  sensible  letters  ? 
The  Wise. 


EWIS    THE    PATIENT    BOY. 

"  Lewis,"  said  a  father,  the 
other  day,  to  his  delinquent 
son,  i:  I'm  busy  now,  but  as 
soon  as  I  can  get  time  I 
mean  to  give  you  a  flog- 
ging." "  Don't  hurry  your- 
self, pa."  replied  the  lad, 
"  [can wait." 


NEW   *LACE    FOR    A    HEN 

TO  LAY. — Mr.  G —  was  a 

most     inveterate     punster. 

Lying  very  ill  of  the  cholera; 

his  nurse  proposed  to  pre- 
pare a  young  and  tender  chicken.  "Hadn't  you  better  have  an 
old  hen  ?"  said  G — ,  in  a  low  whisper,  (he  was  too  Dl  to  speak 
louder),  "for  she  would  be  more  apt  to  lay  on  my  stomach  !  G — 
fell  back  exhausted,  and  the  nurse  fainted. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


A  HARD  KNOCK. — A  County  Court  was  sitting  a  while  ago,  in 

,  on  the  banks  of  the  Connecticut.  It  was — cold  weather 

anyhow — and  a  knot  of  lawyers  had  collected  around  the  old 
Franklin  in  the  bar-room.  The  fire  blazed,  and  mugs  of  flip  were 
passing  away  without  a  groan,  when  in  came  a  rough,  gaunt 
looking '%'babe  of  the  woods,"  knapsack  on  shoulder  and  staff  in 
hand.  He  looked  cold  and  half  perambulated  the  circle  which 
hemmed  in  the  fire,  as  with  a  wall  of  brass,  looking  for  a  chance 
to  warm  his  shins.  Nobody  moved,  however  j  and  unable  to  sit 
down  for  want  of  a  chair,  he  did  the  next  best  thing — leaned 
against  the  wall,  and  listened  to  a  legal  discussion  that  was  going 
on,  as  if  he  was  the  judge  to  decide  the  matter.  Soon  he  attracted 
the  attention  of  the  company,  and  a  young  sprig  spoke  to  him. 

:'  You  look  like  a  traveler." 

<:  Wall,  I  suppose  I  am — I  come  from  Wisconsin  a  foot,  at  any 
rate." 

li  From  Wisconsin?  That  is  a  distance  to  go  on  one  pair  of 
legs.  I  say,  did  you  ever  pass  through  h — 11  on  your  travels  ?" 

u  Yes,  sir,"  he  answered — a  kind  of  wicked  look  stealing  over 
his  ugly  physiognomy — "  I've  been  thiough  the  outskirts." 

"Well,  what  are  the  manners  and  customs  there?  some  of  us 
would  like  to  know." 

"  Oh,"  said  the  pilgrim  deliberately — half  shutting  his  eyes  and 

drawing  round  the  corner  of  his  mouth  till  two  rows  of  yellow 

teeth  and  a  mass  of  masticated  pigtail  appeared  though  the  slit  in 

his  cheek ;  "  you'll  find  them  much  the  same  as  in  this  region : 

>  the  lawyers  sit  nearest  to  the  fire  /" 


A  LETTER  WRITER. — "  I  say,  Pat,  what  are  you  writing  there 
in  such  a  large  hand  ?"  "  Arrah,  honey,  and  isn't  it  to  my  poor 
mother,  who  is  very  deaf,  and  sure,  man,  I'm  writing  her  a  loud 


letter. 


180 


MRS.      PARTINGTON     g 


SOMETHING  IN  THIS. — "You  labor  over-much  on  composition, 
doctor,"  said  a  young  clergyman  to  an  eminent  divine.  "  I  write 
a  sermon  in  three  hours,  and  make  nothing  of  it."  "Would  it  not 
be  as  well,  if  you  were  to  employ  a  little  more  time  and  make 
something  of  it  ?" 


A  MEETING. 

No  !     Is  it  so  ?     Can  this  be  you, 

My  first  and  fondest  fairy, 
That  floated  round  my  greener  year* 

So  zephyr-like  and  airy  ? 
I  hardly  recognized  you,  ma'1  am, — 

Your  well-known  native  kindness, 
However,  will  excuse  I  trust, 

My  blunder  and  my  blindness. 

The  hand  I  kissed  at  sweet  sixteen. 

So  soft  and  moist  and  slender, 
Has  grown  at  twenty- five,  to  be 

A  dumpy  stomach-tender : 
Fm  deeply  "in"  for  salt  and  pork, 

Molasses  and  such  staple, 
And  she's  as  full  of  romance  as 

A  four-loot  log  of  maple. 

SOME  POETRY  BUT  MORE  TRUTH. — There  is  much  truth  as  well 
as  rhyme  in  the  follow  jew  d1  esprit,  as.  those  of  our  readers  whs  go 
to  church  very  well  know  : — 

Two  lovely  ladies  dwell  at 

And  each  a  churching  goes ; 
Emma  goes  there — to  close  hct  ^yes, 

And  Jane — to  eye  her  clothes. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


181 


MR.  SLOW  OFF  SOUNDINGS. — "The  airih  is  round,  my  soil/' 
said  Mr.  Slow  impressively,  taking  an  apple  from  Abimelech's 
hand,  and  holding  it  up  between  his  thumb  and  finger,  like  an  ap- 
pie,  rt  and  revolves  on  its  own  axle-tree  round  the  sun,  jest  as  reg'- 
lar  as  any  machine  you  ever  see.  The  airth  is  made  up  of  land 
and  water  and  rocks,  besides  vegetation  and  trees,  and  things 
growing.  The  mountings  upon  the  service  of  the  earth,  are  very 
high — more'n  half  a  mile.  I  should  think  ]  some  of  'em  are  called 
white  mountings,  because  they  aint  black.  The  ocean  is  very 
deep,  and  some  folks  thinks  it  has'nt  got  no  bottom ;  this  is  all 
gammon ;  everthing  has  got  a  bottom,  my  son.  The  reason  they 
can't  find  it  is  'cause  the  world  is  round.  They  throw  their  sinker 
overboard,  and  it  goes  right  through  one  side,  and  comes  out  the 
other.'' 

NEW  READING. — "A  thundering  big  lie."  is  now  rendered  u  a 
fulminating  enlargement  of  elongated  veracity." 


182  MRS. 

TURNED  ROUND. — A  young  sprig  of  a  doctor  once  met  at  a 

i  convivial  party,  several  larks  who  were  bent  on  placing  in  his 
hat  a  very  large  brick,  or,  in  plain  language,  to  make  him  glo- 
I  riously  drunk,  which  they  accomplished  about  10  o'clock  at  night. 
The  poor  doctor  insisted  on  going,  and  the  party  accompanied  him 
to  the  stable,  to  assist  him  to  mount  his  horse,  which  they  at 
length  did  with  his  face  to  the  animal's  tail. 

"  Hallo,"  said  the  doctor,  after  feeling  for  the  reins,  "  I  am 
inside  out  on  my  horse,  or  face  behind,  I  don't  know  which — 
something  wrong,  anyhow.''' 

*'So  you  are,"  exclaimed  one  of  the  wags,  "just  ?et  off,  doctor, 
and  we  will  put  you  on  right." 

'•  Get  off!"  hiccuped  the  doctor,  "  no  you  don't.  Just  turn  the 
horse  round,  and  it  will  all  come  right — you  must  all  be  drunk." 

A  COMMENCEMENT  JOKE. — One  of  the  faculty  met  an  old  grad- 
uate, Mr.  G.  amid  a  circle  of  friends,  and  remarked,  on  shaking 
hands,  "  that  he  never  saw  him  without  being  reminded  of  the 
circumstances  of  their  first  meeting." — "  What  were  they  ?"  asked 
G.  "  Why,  you  were  in  your  room  engaged  in  Claying  with  a 
dog  you  kept  there."  li  But,"  responded  G.  putting  on  one  of  his 
solemn  looks,  "  do  you  know  why  I  kept  hirr  ?"  k'  No,"  was  the 
answer.  "  Well."  said  G.  "the  wood  which  the  faculty  furnished 
us  with  that  spring  was  green  and  wet,  and  I  kept  that  dog  in  my 
room  that  I  might  kindle  my  fires  with  his  bark."  The  professor 
vanished. 

A  VERY  PARTICULAR  MAN. — Not  long  ago,  on  the  coast  of 
Africa,  a  captain  was  going  to  throw  one  of  the  crew,  that  was 
d>;ng,  overboard,  before  he  was  dead.  So  the  man  says  a  You 
aint  a-going  to  bury  me  alive,  are  you  ?"  "  Oh,"  says  the  captain, 
"you  needn't  be  so  jolly  particular  to  a  few  minutes  r' 
\ 


CARPET-BAQ     OF     FUN.  183 


A  I  JTTLE  TOP  HEAVY. — An  individual,  a  little  sprung,  mount- 
ed ujjon  the  box  of  a  stage  coach,  but  not  being  able  to  maintain 
his  position,  fell  upon  the  pavement.  He  "  opened"  upon  Jehu  for 
upsetting  the  coach  and  endangering  the  lives  of  the  passengers. 
It  was  with  some  difficulty  that  he  could  be  persuaded  that  no  over- 
turn had  occurred.  When,  however,  he  found  that  it  was  himself, 
and  not  the  coach  that  had  sustained  the  fall,  he  observed  that 
"  had  he  known  there  was  no  accident  he  would  not  have  got  off!" 


CROSS  QUESTIONING. — The  practice  of  many  eminent  lawyers 
of  cross-questioning  honest  witnesses  in  such  a  manner  as  to  con- 
fuse them  and  make  them  contradict  themselves,  and  thereby  de- 
stroy their  testimony,  should  be  frowned  upon  by  every  presiding 
judge.  But  it  sometimes  happens  that  lawyers,  who  undertake  to 
break  down  witnesses  in  this  way,  meet  with  men  who  are  more 
I  than  their  equals  in  ready  wit,  if  they  are  not  in  legal  knowledge. 
We  know  of  an  instance  in  which  a  witness  had  given  in  his  tes- 
timony in  a  very  modest  and  quiet  manner,  and  after  he  had  con- 
cluded, the  counsel  on  the  opposite  side,  wished  to  cross-question 
him.  After  asking  a  great  many  questions  which  had  no  bearing 
upon  the  case,  and  which  were  impertinent,  to  say  the  least,  the 
counsel  asked — 

"  Do  you  know  my  client  and  the  horse  about  which  this  suit 
has  been  brought  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  You  don't  pretend  to  say  that  you  have  ever  seen  my  client 
use  the  horse,  do  you  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

li  In  what  manner  did  he  use  him  ?" 

"  Oh.  I've  seen  him  use  him  in  a  variety  of  ways." 

1  Well,  that  don't  answer  my  question.     You  will  please  state 
I  to  the  Court  how  you  have  seen  my  client  use  this  horse." 
f 


184  MRS. 

u  I  have  seen,"  said  the  witness,  feigning  embarrassment,  "  I 
have  seen  him  ride  him.  double  and  round/' 

Here  the  wary  lawyer  thought  he  had  caught  the  witness,  and 
looking  about  hint  with  an  air  of  triumph,  and  a  sarcastic  smile 
upon  his  countenance,  he  said — 

"  You  will  please  state  how  you  have  seen  my  client  ride  this 
horse  '  double  and  round.'  " 

"  Well,  sir,"  replied  the  witness,  "  I  have  seen  him  ride  the 
horse  when  he  was  so  drunk  that  he  could  not  sit  up,  and  he  bent 
himself  double  and  rode  round,  when  he  went  home,  a  distance  of  a 
mile  and  a  half  in  order  to  go  by  a  grog-shop,  when  he  might  have 
gone  home  by  riding  a  half  a  mile  !" 

That  witness  was  not  asked  to  answer  any  more  questions. 

CHOLERA  AND  MINCE  PIES. — A  gentleman  of  professional  honor, 
in  order  to  prove  that  he  could  procure  brandy  of  a  strictly  tem- 
perance landlady,  assumed  the  symptoms  of  cholera,  and  with  ex- 
pressive sighs  and  groans  called  to  her  for  brandy  !  "  Brandy  !" 
she  exclaimed,  "  I  have  none  !"  "  What  !  none  for  puddings  and 
mince  pics  ?"  exclaimed  the  honorable  sufferer.  u  None,"  replied 
the  heroine ;  "  my  puddings  and  pie*  never  have  the  cholera  !" 

UNABLE  TO  DECIDE. — A  Texas  Journal  says  that  one  of  the 
editors  interesting  female  friends  awoke  one  night  just  about  the 
witching  time,  and  in  a  state  of  dreadful  doubt  and  anxiety, 
informed  her  alarmed  sister,  that  she  did  not  know  whether  she 
was  going  to  die,  or  only  wanted  to  take  a  walk.  This  reminds  us 
of  a  very  uninteresting  old  maid  we  once  saw,  who  during  a 
religious  revival  was  induced  to  go  forward  to  be  prayed  for.  One 
of  the  ministers  asked  her  if  she  felt  her  herself  under  the  influence 
.  of  the  Holy  Spirit  Placing  her  hand  on  her  stomach,  she  replied, 
I  "  I  feel  something  here,  but  I  don't  know  whether  it  is  wind  or 
religion.' 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  185 


EXCITING  ROMANCE. — Don  Sebastian,  a  retired  nobleman,  falls 
|  in  love  with  Donna  Julia — father  of  Donna  Julia  becomes  enraged, 
j  and  threatens  "the  caitiff"  with  the  inquisition.  The  lovers 
alarmed,  appeal  to  Heaven,  and  seek  safety  in  a  schooner  bound 
to  Barbadoes.  Third  day  out,  the  schooner  is  wrecked — the  lovers 
commit  themselves  to  the  deep  on  a  dining  table.  Oyster  boat 
carries  them  to  India — Don  Sebastian  fights  four  lions  at  once — 
Donna  Julia,  overcome  by  the  dangers,  throws  herself  into  a  lotus 
and  floats  down  the  Ganges.  Don  Merander  (father  of  Julia) 
charters  a  ferry  boat,  goes  in  pursuit.  The  lovers,  alarmed  by 
the  intelligence,  quit  India  in  a  palanquin  and  fly  to  Egypt — 
where  Don  Sebastian  hires  one  of  the  steps  of  the  pyramids  and 
opens  a  mummy  stall.  Father-in-law  still  pursues — appeals  to 
the  bashaw — bashaw  breaks  up  the  stall.  Don  Sebastian  and 
Donna  Julia  once  more  commit  themselves  to  the  keeping  of  Pro- 
vidence— shortly  after  which  they  find  themselves  in  the  Mam-  j 
moth  Cave.  Father-in-law  relents — visits  Kentucky — pardons  the  ' 
"  abduction  of  his  daughter" — makes  a  will  giving  Don  Sebastian 
the  castle  of  Salamanca,  and  stabs  himself  in  the  hat.  Last  chapter 
— supernatural  lighting  up  of  the  cave — voices  in  the  distance  ex- 
claiming.  "  Beware  !;J  Mysterious  appearance  of  the  American  j 
flag.  A  thunder  bolt  falls  at  Donna  Julia's  feet,  and  runs  itself 
into  the  ground.  Blue  fire  seen  in  the  distance,  from  the  centre 
of  which  the  spirit  of  Donna  Julia's  father  rises  and  goes  to  Heaven 
on  a  phoenix.  Grand  TabJeau — Julia  and  her  lover  tied  in  a  hard 
knot. 


A    RUN    UPON    THE    BA.NK. 


186 


Go  IT,  BOB-TAIL. — A  specimen  of  the  genus  "  Hoosier,"  was 

found  by  Captain ,  of  the  steamer ,  in  the  engine  room 

of  his  boat  while  lying  at  Louisville,   one  fine  morning.     The 
captain  inquired  what  he  was  doing  there. 

"Have  you  seen  Captain  Perry?"  was  the  interrogative 
response. 

"  Don't  know  him;  and  can't  tell  what  that  has  to  do  with  your 
>  being  in  my  engine  room,"  replied  the  captain,  angrily. 

"Hold  on,  that's  just  what  I  was  getting  at.  You  see  Captain 
Perry  asked  me  to  take  a  drink,  and  so — I  did  ;  I  knew  that  I 
wanted  to  drink,  or  I  shouldn't  have  been  so  very  dry.  So  Captain 
Perry  and  I  went  to  the  ball — Captain  Perry  was  putting  in  some 
extras  on  one  toe.  I  sung  out,  'Go  it,  Captain  Perry,  if  you  bust 
yourbiler.'  With  that  a  man  steps  up  to  me,  says  he,  "  See  here, 
stranger,  you  must  leave."  Says  I,  "  what  must  I  leave  fur  ?" 
Says  he,  "  You're  making  too  much  noise."  Says  [,  '*'  I've  been  in 
bigger  crowds  than  this,  and  made  more  noise,  and  didn't  leave 
nuther."  With  that  he  tuck  me  by  the  nap  of  the  neck,  and  the 
seat  of  the  breeches — and  I  left. 

"As  I  was  shoven  down  the  street,  I  met  a  lady — I  knew  she 
was  a  lady  by  a  remark  she  made.  Says  she,  "  Young  man,  I 
reckon  you'll  go  home  with  me."  Politeness  wouldn't  let  me 
refuse,  and  so  I  went.  I'd  been  in  the  house  but  a  minute,  when 
I  heard  considerable  of  a  knocking  at  the  door.  I  know'd  the  chap 
wanted  to  get  in,  whoever  he  was,  or  he  wouldn't  have  kept  up 
such  a  tremendous  racket.  By  and  by  says  a  voice,  "Ef  you  don't 
open,  I'll  bust  in  the  door.  And  so  he  did.  I  put  on  a  bold  face, 
and  says  I,  i:  Stranger,  does  this  woman  belong  to  you  ?"  Says  he, 
"  She  does."  «  Then,"  says  I,  u  she's  a  lady,  I  think,  from  all 
that  I  have  seen  of  her." 

"  With  that  he  came  at  me  with  a  pistol  in  one  hand  and  a  \ 
bowie  knife  in  the  other,  and  being  a  little  pressed  for  room,  I  i 
jumped  through  the  window,  leaving  the  bigger  portion  of  my  coat  j 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


187 


tail.  As  I  was  streaking  it  down  town  with  the  fragment  fluttering 
to  the  breeze,  I  met  a  friend.  I  knew  he  was  a  friend,  by  a  re- 
mark he  made.  Says  he,  "Go  it,  bob  tail,  he's  gainin'  on  you.' 
And  that's  the  way  1  happened  in  your  engine  room.  I'm  a  good 
swirnmerj  captain,  but  do  excuse  me,  if  you  please,  from  taking  the 
water." 

PRUDENT  GIRL. — "  Margary,  what  did  you  do  with  that  tallow 
Mr.  Jones  greased  his  boots  with  this  morning  ?"  "  Please,  marm, 
I  baked  the  griddle  cakes  with  it."  •'  Lucky  you  did  Miss,  I 
thought  you  had  wasted  it." 

A  SMALL  ENDING. — We  once  read  an  anecdote  of  a  very  diminu- 
tive child,  which  by  the  way  made  considerable  noise.  One  day  the 
father's  patience  having  become  exhausted  with  its  crying, 
•'  Spank  it,  wife."  said  he,  "  and  make  it  be  quiet !"  "  I  would, 
my  dear,"  replied  the  considerate  lady,  "  but  really  it  is  so  small 
that  I  cannot  find  room  for 


BOUND  TO  BUST. — A  sick  man  was  told  that  nothing  could  c  ire 
him  but  a  quart  of  catnip-tea.  "  Then  I  must  die,"  said  he  :  "  I 
don't  hold  but  a  pint." 


JklAGNETISM. 


188 


MRS.      PARTINGTON    S 


A  YANKEE  ON  A  BUST. — u  Massy  saiks  alive,  Eb's  hum  agin  !" 
says  cousin  Sally,  running  into  the  kitchen  to  Marm  Green,  who. 
up  to  her  elbows  in  the  dough,  "  dropt  all"  and  came  out  to  see  her 
hopeful  son  stalk  into  the  porch  as  big  as  all  out  doors ! 

"  Wher'  on  airth,  Eb.,  hev  yeou  been?"  says  the  old  lady. 

"  Where  hev  I  been  ?     Why,  daown't  Bosting." 

'•Massy  saiks,  Eb.,  what  on  airth  did  yeou  dew — had  yeou  a 
good  time,  Ebenezer  ?" 

"  Good  time  !     Oh-o-ugh.  persimmons  !  hadn't  I  a  time !     Cute 
time,  by  golly  j  a  a  and  marm,   I  made  the  money  fly — did,  by  j 
golly." 

"  Why,  haow  yeou  talk,  Eb  !"  says  Marm  Green.  "  I  hope,  j 
son  -Ebenezer,  yeou  didn't  break  any  of  the  commandments,  or  f 
nuthin?" 

"  Break  the  commandments  ?  Wa-a-all,  neo,  didn't  break 
noth-in\  Everlastin'  salvation,  marm,  yeou  don't  s'pose  a  feller's 
goin  deown  teu  Bosting  and  not  cut  a  shine  nor  noth-in'.  Yeou 
see,  marm,  I  went  inteu  a  shaw'p  to  get  a  drink  of  that  almighty 
good  stuff,  spreuce  beer,  and — a  and  two  gals,  sleek  critters,  axed 
me  teu  treat  !" 

"  Laud  saiks  alive  I— yeou  didn't  do  it,  though,  Eb  ?" 

"  Wa  a-11,  I  did  though,  naow  !  I  was  aout  on  a  time,  marm, 
and  I  didn't  care  a  darn  wether  school  kept  or  not,  as  the  boy  told 
his  boss." 

"  Ebenezer,  don't  you  swear  /" 

"  Haint  a  gone  to,  marm ;  but,  yeou  see,  them  gals  axed  me  to 
treat,  and  I  did,  and  don't  keer  a  darn  who  knows  it !  Yeou  see  I 
paid  fur  ther  two  glasses  of  spreuce  beer  and  mine,  that  was  fo'- 
perice,  sla'p  down  :  then  I  bought  two  cents  wuth  of  ree-sins,  for 
'em,  and  by  Beunker,  I'd  rather  spent  that  hull  ninepence.  than 
gone  off  sncakiri*  /" 

A  wrinkle  is  the  line  by  which  time  generally  travels. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  189 


POOR  FELLOW. — A  young  gentleman  in  describing  the  effects  of 
his  first  waltz,  says  that  for  fifteen  minutes  he  appeared  to  be 
swimming  in  a  sea  of  rose  leaves  with  a'  blue  angel.  This  soon 
changed,  he  says,  to  a  delirium  of  peacock  feathers,  in  which  his 
brains  got  so  mixed  with  low  necked  frocks,  musk,  and  melody, 
that  he  has  fed  on  flutes  ever  since. 

ALL  THE  SAME. — A  couple  went  to  the  Rev. to  get  married. 

Mr. is  something  of.  a  wag,  and  by  an  innocent  mistake,  of 

course,  began  to  read  from  the  prayer-book  as  follows  :  "  Man  that 
is  born  of  woman,  is  full  of  trouble,  and  hath  but  a  short  time  to 
live,"  &c.  The  astonished  bridegroom  exclaimed,  u  Sir,  you  mis- 
take, we  came  to  be  married."  u  Well,  if  you  insist  I  will  marry 
you  j  but  believe  me,  my  friend,  you  had  much  better  be  buried  !" 


A  DIG  AT  THE  DOCTORS. — A  wag  said  : — "  When  my  wife  was 
very  sick  I  called  an  Allopathic  physician ;  she  got  no  better.  I 
then  called  a  Homcepath,  and  she  "  mended"  a  little.  One  day  he 
broke  his  leg,  and  couldn't  come  at  all ;  then  she  got  well !" 


190 


MRS.     PARTINGTONS 


DR.  FAUSTUS'  ART. — The  following  is  a  specimen  of  a  printer's 
technical  terms ;  it  don't  mean,  however,  as  much  as  it  would 
seem  to  the  uninitiated : — li  Jim,  put  General  Washington  on  the 
galley,  and  Ihen  finish  the  murder  of  that  young  girl  you  com- 
menced yesterday.  Set  up  the  ruins  of  Herculaneum :  distribute 
the  small  pox;  you  needn't  finish  that  runaway  match  :  have  the 
high  water  in  the  paper  this  week.  Let  the  pi  alone  till  after 
dinner  ;  put  the  barbecue  to  press  and  then  go  to  the  devil  and  he 
will  tell  you  about  the  work  for  the  morning."  Not  much  wonder 
that  Dr.  Faustus  was  burned  for  inventing  such  a  diabolical  art. 

THE  IRISH  HAVE  TO  SUFFER. — A  poor  emaciated  Irishman, 
having  called  a  physician  in  a  folorn  hope,  the  latter  spread  a  huge 
mustard  plaster  and  clapped  it  on  the  poor  fellow's  breast.  Pat, 
with  a  tearful  eye  and  sad  countenance,  looked  down  upon  it 
and  said.  "  Docther,  docther,  dear  !  it  strikes  me  that  it  is  a  deal 
of  mustard  for  so  little  mate  /" 

POLITE,  BUT  SLOW. — A  stuttering  Vermonter  was  asked  the  way 
to  Waterbury.  With  great  politeness  he  strove  to  say  it  was  right 
a  head,  but  in  vain ;  the  more  he  tried  the  more  he  could'nt.  At 
last,  red  in  the  face  and  furious  with  unavailable  exertions,  he 
burst  forth  with,  "  Gug-gug-g  along !  dam  you,  you'll  git-gi-get 
there  afore  I  can  tell  you  !" 


SUSPENDED     ANIMATION. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  191 

LIFE'S  YOUNG  DREAM. — The  person  who  has  not  been  a  grand- 
mother, knows  nothing  of  the  anxieties  of  this  life.  It  is  bad 
enough  to  have  a  drunken  husband,  but  when  you  come  to  com- 
pare that  affliction  with  two  generations  of  croup,  whooping-cough, 
measles,  prickly-heat,  and  hive  syrup,  you  elevate  a  sprained  ankle 
to  the  dignity  of  a  broken  leg,  and  class  tooth-aches  with  ''  apple- 
plexy." 


BAGGAGE  EXTRAORDINARY. — "  Captin,  or  Cap'in,  where's  my 
baggage  ?"  exclaimed  a  tall  red-faced  Virginian,  to  the  clerk  of 
the  steamer  as  the  boat  approached  her  regular  landing  place  on 
Cone  river.  "  Can't  say  exactly,  sir,"  replied  the  clerk,  "but  I'll 
hunt  it  up.  Is  this  it?"  (Pointing  to  a  large,  brass  nailed 
traveling  trunk.)  "  No,  sir."  "  Well,  is  this  it,  sir  ?"  (pointing 
to  a  capacious  and  well-filled  carpet  bag.)  "  No,  that  ain't  it 
either."  "Then,  I  presume,  this  must  be  it,  sir?"  said  the  officer, 
giving  an  old  horse-hide  box  a  slight  touch  with  his  foot.  "  No 
[  sir-ee,  I  totes  no  such  trumpery  as  that.  Ah,  here  it  is — all  right, 
two  jugs  o'  whiskey  and  a  demijohn  of  brandy." 


VERY  WILLING. — The  other  day  Mrs.  Sniflkins  being  unwell, 
sent  for  a  medical  man,  and  declared  her  belief  that  she  was  poi- 
soned, and  that  Mr.  Sniflkins  done  it.  "  I  didn't  do  it !"  shouted 
Sniflkins.  "  It's  all  gammon  ;  she  isn't  poisoned.  Prove  it,  doc- 
tor ;  open  her  on  the  spot — I  am  willing." 

A  STRONG  HINT. — "  Does  your  arm  pain  you,  sir  ?"  asked  a  lady 
of  a  gentleman  who  had  seated  himself  near  her  in  a  mixed  assem- 
bly, and  thrown  his  arm  across  the  back  of  her  chair  and  touched 
her  neck. 

u  No,  Miss,,  it  don't,  but  why  do  you  ask  ?" 

"  I  noticed  it  was  out  of  its  place,  sir,  that's  all." 

The  arm  was  removed. 


192  MRS.    PARTIN'GTON'S 


NOT  TO  BE  BJ.AT  BY  A  BRITISHER. — A  smart  Yankee  was  one 
evening  seated  in  a  bar-room  of  a  country  tavern  in  Can?-da. 
There  were  assembled  several  Englishmen,  discussing  varous 
matters  connected  with  the  pomp  and  circumstance  of  war.  In 

the  course  of  his  remarks,  one  of  them  stated  that  the  British  Gov- 

• 

ernment  possessed  the  largest  cannon  in  the  world,  and  gave  the  ( 
dimensions  of  one  he  had  seen. 

The  Yankee  would  not  Jet  such  a  base  assertion  pass  uncontra- 
dicted. 

"  Poh,  gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  I  won't  deny  that  it  is  a  fair  sized 
cannon — but  you  are  a  leetle  mistaken  in  supposing  it  is  to  be 
named  the  same  minute  with  one  of  our  Yankee  guns,  which  I  saw 
in  Charlestown  last  year.  Why,  sir,  it  was  so  large  that  the  sol- 
diers were  obliged  to  employ  a  yoke  of  oxen  to  draw  in  the  ball  /" 

"  And  pray,"  exclaimed  one  of  his  hearers,  with  a  smile  of 
triumph,  "  can  you  tell  us  how  they  got  the  oxen  out  again  ?" 

"  Of  course  I  can."  returned  the  Yankee,  "they  unyoked  }em  and 
drove  'em  through  the  touch  hole  /" 


GOOD  ADVICE. — An  aristocratic  California  adventurer  was  ex- 
hibiting his  revolver  pistol  to  a  young  lady,  and  relating  his  plans. 
He  intimated  that  instead  of  digging  for  gold  he  intended  to  blow 
out  the  brains  of  successful  miners  and  then  "  pick  up  the  dust." 
The  lady,  in  reply,  told  him  that  he  would  supply  a  far  greater 
want  by  picking  up  the  brains  ! 


OCTTINtt   A   TROUBLESOME   ACQUAINTANCE. 
I 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


193 


THE  BAVARIAN  SCHOTTISCHE. — The  style  of  the  Schottische  is 

full  of  graceful  positions,   and  has  the  combined  beauties  of  the 

1  St.  Vitus  and  Indian  war  dances,  with   a  strong  insinuation  of  an 

j  afflicted  cat  upon  hot  building  materials.       The  most  popular, 

elegant  and,  in  fact,  the  only  acknowledged  fashion  of  executing 

the  Schottische,  is  this  :    As  the  music  leads  off,  plunge  suddenly 

forward  with  four  abrupt  jerks  of  the  hand  to  keep  time,  then  as 

suddenly  dart  back  again  with  the  same  jumps  and  jerks.     Then 

stand  on  one  leg,  as  much  like  a  lame  duck  as  you  can,  change 

|  quickly  to  the  other,  and  hop  round  four  times.     In  this  you  must 

j  take  great  care  to  lift  up  your  4egs,   as  if  for  instance,  something 

heavy  had  fallen  on  your  soft  corn  at  one  time,  or  boiling  cobbler's 

wax  had  been  inserted  in  your  boots.     The  effort  is  very  pleasant 

™~™~~~. 


194 


MRS.     PARTINQTON     8 


to  look  at.  Continue  in  this  way  anywhere  in  the  room,  but  be 
certain  to  whirl  your  partner  until  you  can  see  nothing  distinctly, 
for  you  can  never  arrive  at  the  full  enjoyment  of  the  Schottische 
until  you  reach  this  crisis.  You  then  run  amuck  among  the  other 
j  Schottische  until  you  experience  a  shock,  which  will  be  caused  j 
by  a  pair  of  teetotums  }  but  never  heed  that.  If  YOU  would  by  J 
chance  see  another  couple  near  you,  which,  however,  will  rarely 
happen,  never  stop  to  try  to  get  out  of  the  way,  as  that  is  directly 
contrary  to  the  science  and  etiquette  of  the  Scohttische.  but  go  on, 
and  if  a  lady  is  floored  (elegant  and  expressive)  it  is  none  of  your 
business  ;  if  you  are  a  large  man,  the  amusement  is  much  greater, 
as  then,  instead  of  your  being  knocked  down  every  time  by  the 
concussions,  it  is  greatly  in  your  favor,  that  the  other  party  may 
be  knocked  down  instead. 


NEVER  ASK  QUESTIONS  IN  A  HURRY. — "Tom,  a  word  with 
you."  "  Be  quick,  then  •  I'm  in  a  hurry."  "  What  did  you  give 
your  sick  horse,  tother  day?"  "A  pint  of  turpentine."  John 
hurries  home,  and  administers  the  same  dose  to  a  fai^ite  charger. 
which,  strange  to  say,  drops  off  defunct  in  half  an  hour.  His 
opinion  of  Tom's  veterinary  ability  is  somewhat  staggered.  He 
meets  him  the  next  day.  "  Well,  Tom."  "  Well,  John  what  is 
it?"  "  I  gave  my  horse  a  pint  of  turpentine  and  it  killed  him, 
dead  as  Julius  Caesar."  '•'  So  it  did  with  mine  !" 


No  JOKE. — A  fashionable  doctor  lately  informed  his  friends  in 
a  large  company,  that  he  had  been  passing  eight  days  in  the 
country.  "  Yes,"  said  one  of  the  party,  "  it  has  been  announced 
in  one  of  the  journals."  li  Ah !"  said  the  doctor,  stretching  his 
neck  very  importantly,  "  pray,  in  what  terms  ?"  "  In  what  terms? 
Why,  as  well  as  I  can  remember,  in  the  following :  '  There  were 
last  week  seventy-seven  interments  less  than  the  week  before.' ' 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  195 


DOMESTIC  EPOCH. — "I  knew  an  excellent  old  lady,"  says  the 
author  of  the  "  Lift  for  the  Lazy,"  "  who  alwayr  dated  from  the 
time  u  when  their  horses  ran  away."  To  be  srre  it  was  a  re- 
j  markable  hegira,  and  she  used  to  remark,  in  describing  it,  tha' 
1  she  put  the  firmest  reliance  on  Providence  till  the  breeching  broke 
and  then  she  gave  up.'  " 

LET  HER  BE. — One  of  our  mercantile  gentlemen,  who  was 
travelling  eastward,  a  short  time  since,  went  to  tie  clerk  of  one 
of  the  Ontario  boats  to  be  shown  to  his  state  rooo.  The  clerk 
handed  the  applicant  a  key,  at  the  same  time  pointing  to  a  door  at 
some  little  distance.  Our  friend  went  in  the  direction  indicated, 
but  opened  the  door  next  to  his  own,  where  he  discovered  a  lady 
passenger  making  her  toilet,  who,  upon  the  stranger's  appearance, 
uttered  a  low  scream. 

"  Go  away  !  go  away  !"  screamed  the  lady. 

"  Letter  B,"  screamed  the  clerk. 

"  I  am  not  touching  her  at  all !"  cried  the  indignant  merchant. 

BRIGHT  BOY. — A  gentleman  sent  a  lad  with  a  letter  to  the  post 
office,  and  money  to  pay  the  postage.  Having  returned  with  the 
money,  he  said,  "  Guess  I've  done  the  thing  slick ;  I've  seen  a 
good  many  folks  puttin'  letters  in  the  post  office  through  a  hole, 
and  so  I  watched  my  chance,  and  got  mine  in  for  nothing." 

MAKING  A  MARK. — A  captain  of  a  sloop  at  one  of  our  wharves 
hired  a  Yankee,  a  "  green  hand,"  to  assist  in  loading  his  sloop 
with  corn.  Just  as  the  vessel  was  about  to  set  sail,  the  Yankee. 
who  was  jingling  the  price  of  his  day's  wages  in  his  pocket,  cried 
out  from  the  wharf — "  Say,  yeou  Capting  !  I  lost  your  shovel  over- 
board,  but  I  cut  a  big  notch  on  the  rail  fence  around  the  starn. 
right  over  the  spot  where  it  went  down,  s^  't  you'll  find  your  shovel 
when  you  come  back." 


196 


WESTERN  ETIQUETTE. — The  Yankee  traveller  who  saw  thelivo 
Hoosier  has  again  written  to  his  mother,  telling  her  his  experience 
as  follows : 

"  Western  people  are  death  on  etiquette.  You  can't  tell  a  man 
here  that  he  lies,  without  fighting.  A  few  days  ago,  a  man  was 
telling  two  of  his  neighbors  in  my  hearing  a  pretty  large  story, 
Says  I — 

"  '  Stranger,  that's  a  whopper.7 

"  Says  he,  '  lay  there,  stranger.' 

"  And  in  a  twinkling  of  an  eye  I  found  myself  in  the  ditch,  a 
perfect  quadruped.  Upon  another  occasion,  says  I  to  a  man  I 
never  saw  before,  as  a  woman  passed — 

"  '  That  isn't  a  specimen  of  your  western  women,  is  it  ?' 

"  Says  he,  '  You  are  air  aid  of  fever  and  ague,  stranger,  an't  you  ?'  > 

"  :  Very  much,'  says  I. 

" 4  Well,'  replied  he,  4  that  lady  is  my  wife,  and  if  you  don't 
apologize  in  two  minutes,  by  the  honor  of  a  gentleman,  I  swear 
that  these  two  pistols,"  which  he  held  cocked  in  his  hands,  "  shall 
cure  you  of  that  disorder,  entirely.  So  don't  fear,  stranger  !' 

"So  I  knelt  down,  and  politely  apologized.  I  ac  mire  this 
western  country  much ;  b,ut  darn  me  if  I  can  stand  so  much 
etiquette  j  it  always  takes  me  unawares." 


DOBS   TOUB    MOTHER   KNOW    YOU'RE  OUT  f 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


197 


POOR  JACK. — Professional  Pomposity  is  very  well  taken  off  in 
the  following  anecdote. — Shields,  doctor,  (looking  learned,  and 
speaking  slow) — "  Well,  mariner,  which  tooth  do  you  want  extra^t- 
ed  ?  Is  it  a  molar  or  an  incisor  ?"  Jack  (short  and  sharp) — "  It 
is  in  the  upper  tier,  on  the  larboard  side*.  Bear  a  hand,  you  swab ! 
for  it  is  nipping  my  jaw  like  a  bloody  lobster  !" 


LAVING  NOT  ALWAYS  WASHING. — A  Colonel  of  the  40th  regiment, 
was  remarkable  for  the  studied  pomposity  of  his  diption.  One  day, 
observing  that  a  careless  man  in  the  ranks  had  a  particularly  dirty 
face,  which  appeared  not  to  have  been  washed  for  a  twelvemonth, 
he  was  exceedingly  indignant  at  so  gross  a  violation  of  military 
propriety.  "  Take  him,"  said  he  to  the  corporal,  who  was  an 
Irishman,  "  take  the  man,  and  lave  him  in  the  waters  of  the 
Guadiana."  After  some  time  the  corporal  returned.  u  What  have 
you  done  with  the  man  I  sent  with  you  ?"  inquired  the  colonel.  Up 
flew  the  corporal's  right  hand  across  the  peak  of  the  cap — {t  Sure, 
an't  plaise  y'r  honor  and  did'nt  y'r  honor  tell  me  to  lave  him  in 
the  river ;  and  there  he  is  now,  according  to  y'r  honor's  orJers." 


198  MRS. 

VERY  WILLING. — "  My  dear,"  said  an  affectionate  spouse  to  her 
husband,  "  am  I  not  your  only  treasure  ?"  "  Oh,  yes,"  was  the 
cool  reply,  li  and  I  would  willingly  lay  it  up  in  heaven."  What 
an  "  insinuating"  wretch ! 

OWNING  UP. — Not  Ion?  ago,  in  a  pleasant  little  rustic  village  in  j 
the  State  of  Maine,  there  lived  an  adoring  youth,  a  young  merchant > 
of  the  place,  who  offered  homage  at  the  beauty's  shrine  of  a  comely 
demoiselle,  also  belonging  thereabouts. 

On  the  occurrence  of  one  of  his  regular  weekly  visits,  (he  some- 
times called  two  or  three  times  a  week,)  after  the  entire  vocabulary 
of  u  small  talk,"  which  none  but  lovers  know  how  to  appreciate, 
had  become  completely  exhausted,  he  brought  up  the  character  of 
a  young  female  friend  of  his,  with  whom  he,  being  the  betrothed 
husband  of  another,  was  on  terms  of  intimacy  not  exactly  accord- 
ing to  Gunter. 

He  spoke  at  some  length,  and  with  a  warmth  of  feeling  by  no 
means  pleasing  to  his  companion,  in  laudation  of  the  merits  of  his 
very  particular  friend,  and  in  conclusion  observed  : — 

"  She  is  a  noble,  generous  hearted  girl,  and  one  who  is  right 
here." 

This  remark  was  accompanied  by  a  gesture,  which  brought  his 
his  hand  into  close  proximity  with  his  heart. 

"  Fudge  !  fudge !  Mr.  Nonsense,"  ejaculated  the  young  lady, 
springing  from  her  seat  in  a  fit  of  jealous  indignation.  "  Pshaw, 
I'd  have  you  know,  sir,  that  that's  half  cotton." 

PUNGENT. — "  If  you  can't  keep  awake  without,"  said  a  preacher 
to  one  of  his  hearers,  "  when  you  feel  drowsy,  why  don't  you  take 
a  pinch  of  snuff?" 

{c  I  think,"  was  the  ?  irewd  reply,  "  the  snuff  should  be  put  into 
the  sermon  !" 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  199 


A  REPROBATE. — A  person  applying  to  the  Judge  of  Probate  for 
a  letter  of  administration,  walks  up  and  raps — the  Judge  bids  him 
"walk  in,"  when  the  stranger  inquires  :  "Does  the  Judge  of  Re- 
probates reside  here,  sir."  '•'  I  am  the  Judge  of  Pro!  ate,  sir," 
answered  the  judge.  "  Ah,  all  the  same  I  suppose,"  said  the 
stranger ;  "  my  father  lately  died  detested,  and  left  a  number  of 
fatherless  scorpions,  of  which  I  am.  chief.  As  it  is,  and  being  the 
oldest  infidel,  the  business  naturally  dissolves  on  me  ;  and  if  you 
will  grant  me  me  a  letter  of  condemnation,  I  will  see  you  hand- 
somely sacrificed." 

A  GOOD  REASON. — A  country  pedagogue  had  two  pupils,  to  one 
of  whom  he  was  very  partial,  and  to  the  other  very  severe.  One 
morning  it  happened  that  these  two  were  late  and  were  called  oiat 
to  account  for  it.  "  You  must  have  heard  the  bell,  boys  ;  why 
did  you  not  come  ?"  "  Please  sir,"  said  the  favorite.  "  I  was 
dreamin'  that  I  was  goin'  to  Californy,  and  I  thought  the  school- 
bell  was  the  steam-boat  bell  as  I  wasgoin1  in."  "  Very  well,  sir," 
said  the  master,  glad  of  any  pretext  to  excuse  his  favorite  ;  "  and 
now,  sir,  (turning  to  the  other)  what  have  you  to  say  ?"  "Please 
sir,  please  sir,"  said  the  puzzled  boy — u  I !  I!  was  a  waitirf  to 
see  Tom  off !  /"  It  was  this  same  boy  who  being  asked  the  next 
day  if  his  father  was  a  Christian,  answered,  "  No  sir,  he's  a 
Dutchman." 


FORWARD    PUPIL. 


200 


GOOD  FOR  THE  GIRLS. — The  following  is  given  as  the  new 
mode  of  parsing  down  East : — "  I  court.  Court  is  a  verb  active, 
indicative  mood,  pre^/nt  tense,  and  agrees  with  all  the  girls  in  the 
neighborhood." 

MUST  BE  LICKED. — Why  are  new  post  office  stamps  like  small 
school  boys  ?  Because  you  have  to  lick  their  backs  to  make  them 
stick  to  their  letters. 


FIT  TOR  A  LAWYER. — An  old  lady  walked  into  a  lawyer's 
office  lately,  when  the  following  conversation  took  place  : 

Lady. — Squire,  I  called  to  see  if  you  would  like  to  take  this  boy 
and  make  a  lawyer  of  him. 

Lawyer. — The  boy  appears  rather  young,  madam — how  old  is  he  ? 

Lady. — Seven  years,  sir. 

Lawyer. — He  is  too  young — decidedly  too  young.  Have  you  no 
boys  older  ? 

Lady. — O  yes,  sir,  I  have  several ;  but  we  have  concluded  to  J 
make  farmers  of  the  others.     I  told  my  old  man  I  thought  this 
litttle  feller  would  make  a  first  rate  lawyer,  and  so  I  called  to  see 
if  you  would  take  him. 

Lawyer. — No,  madam  ;  he  is  too  young  yet,  to  commence  the 
study  of  the  profession.  But  why  do  you  think  this  boy  any  better 
calculated  for  a  lawyer  than  your  other  sons  ?  • 

Lady. — Why,  you  see  sir,  he  is  just  seven  years  old  to-day. 
When  he  was  only  five,  he'd  lie  like  all  natur ;  when  he  got  to  be 
six,  he  was  as  sassy  and  impudent  as  any  critter  could  be ;  and  now 
he'll  steal  everything  he  can  lay  his  hands  on  ! 

SHORT  WOMEN. — The  reason  why  short  women  should  be  the 
»oonest  married,  is,  because  there  is  more  need  of  their  getting 
spliced. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


201 


MRS.  PARTINGTON  STOPPED  UP. — "  I  declare,  I  b'lieve  I'm  goin' 

to  have  the  influensday,"  said  Mrs.  Partington,  "  it's  a  disagreea- 

j  ble  feelin'  to  have  one's  head  as.  large  as  a  water  bucket,  with 

j  your  nose  drippin'  like  the  eaves,  and  your  flesh  all  creepy  with 

cold  pimples,  like  a  child  with  the  nuzzles.     I  knew  a  boy  once 

who  had  it  so  bad  that  they  had  to  put  cork  stoppers  in  his  nostrils 

to  keep  his  brains  from  running  out  !"     She  was  here  "  brought 

up"  suddenly  with  coughing,  the  reading  was  laid  by  for  the  night, 

and  she  went  up  stairs  with  a  hot  rock  for  her  feet,  and  a  little 

preparation  in  a  mug  of  "  sumthun"  hotter  for  her  head. 


A  NEW  SOUP. — A  dandy,  remarking  one  summer  day  that  the 
weather  was  so  excessively  hot  that  when  he  put  his  head  in  a 
basin  of  water  it  fairly  boiled,  received  for  reply — "  Then,  sir, 
you  have  a  calf  s  head  soup  at  very  little  expense." 


A  BLOWER. — An  old  lady  wishing  to  show  her  minister  how 
smart  her  son  was,  introduced  him.  "  This  is  my  son  John — John, 
blow  your  nose  /" 


9* 


AN  ILLITERATE  SCHOOLMASTER. — The  following  is  a  Verbatim 
et  literatim  copy  of  a  circular  recently  distributed  in  the  west  of 
England . 

Ci  Roger  Giles,  zuyon,  grosir,  parish  dark  and  skule-master,  re- 
forms ladies  and  gentlemans  he  draus  teeth  without  waiting  a 
moment,  blisters  on  Ihe  lowest  tarms,  and  fizicks  for  a  penny  a 
peace.  He  zells  godfathers  corgi al,  cuts  korns  and  undertakes  to 
keep  every  bodys  nayles  by  the  yere  and  zo  on.  Y\3ung  ladies  and 
gentlemans  larned  thare  grammar  language  in  the  most  purtiest 
manner  :  also  gurt  care  taken  of  thare  morals  an  spelhh.  also  zarrn 
singing,  teeching  the  base  vial,  and  all  other  zort  of  phancy  work. 

Parfumry  and  jollop,  znuff  and  ginger  and  all  other  spices,  and 
as  the  times  be  cruel  bad  he  begs  to  tell  he  is  just  begun  to  zell  all 
zorts  of  stashunary  wares,  blackin  bals.  hurd  herrings  and  coles, 
scrubbin  brishes  and  pills,  mice  znaps  and  trikel  and  other  zorts 
of  sweetmeats  inkluding  taters,  ingons,  black  led.  brick  dist,  massages 
and  other  gearden  stuff,  also  phrute,  hats,  zongs,  hoyl,  latin-buckets  I 
and  other  articles  j  korn  and  bunyan  zarve  and  all  hardwares.     He  ' 
also  parforms  fleabottomy  on  the  shortest  notice. 

And  furthermore  in  partiklar  he  has  lard  in  a  large  zortment  of 
trype,  dogs  meat,  lolipops.  and  other  pickles,  zuch  as  hoysters, 
winzur  soap  &c.  Old  raggs  bort  and  zold  here  and  no  place  helse. 
and  new  laid  eggs  every  day  by  me. 

ROGER  GILES. 

P.  S.  I  teechs  Joggrafy,  Reumaticks,  and  all  them  outlandish 
i  things,  queer  drils,  fushinabull  pokars,  and  all  oth°.r  contrary 
'  dances  tort  at  home  and  abrode  to  perfekshun. 

A  bal  on  Wensdays  when  our  Marian  parforms  on  the  git  Tar. 

JONATHAN'S  DESCRIPTION  OF  A   STEAMBOAT. — "It's  got  a  saw 
mill  on  one  side  and  a  grist  mill  on  t'other,   and  a  blacksmith's 
shop  in  the  middle ;  and  do^-'u  cellar  there's  a  tarnation  great  po^. 
boiling  all  the  time." 
i 


ALLOPATHY. 


HOMffiOFATIIY. 


HYDROPATHY. 


SHE  WOULD  NOT  DO  IT. — "What's  your  eggs  a  dozen,  marm  ?" 
said  an  old  skin-flint  one  ,day,  to  a  market  woman.     u  Twenty 
cents,  sir."     "  Aint  you  rather  high  in  your  price  ?     A  shilling  ip  • 
enough  for  eggs."     "  Perhaps  such  an  old  hunk  as  you  are  may  | 
think  so;  but,  if  I  was  a  hen,   I   wouldn't  lay  eggs  for  a  cent  a  ; 
piece.  I  know/' 


A  ROSE  BY  ANY  OTHER  NAME,  &c. — Names  do  make  a  differ- 
ence in  things,  no  doubt.  At  least  most  people  think  so,  and  act 
in  accordance  with  the  supposition.  Certain  defects  4111  d  dise-*ses 
have  been  rendered  "  quite  genteel"  for  a  time,  by  dint  of  elegant 
names.  Even  a  "  cold  in  the  head" — the  most  provoking,  vulgar, 
and  disgusting  disorder  possible  to  honest  people,  can  be  qualified 
and  palliated  a  little  by  calling  it  an  "  influerza."  We  once  called 
upon  a  g^'.i'leman  and  his  wife — the  forriy  a  plain,  blunt  man, 
the  latter  a  "  genteel"  affected  woman — both  thoroughly  s*ck 


204 


MRS.     PARTINGTON    S 


with  a  cold  in  the  head.  The  man  was  taking  it  naturally  and 
hard.  The  woman  was  dressed  in  rather  a  showy,  carefully  made 
dishabille,  and  clearly  doing  her  best  to  make  a  handsome  thing 
of  her  uncomfortable  situation.  "  And  how  is  .madame,  to-day?" 
said  we.  addressing  the  lady.  "Oh,  shockingly  ill,"  replied  the 
woman,  trying  to  look  interesting,  in  spite  of  her  swollen  eyes  and 
red  nose,  "  I  am  afflicted  with  the  prevailing  influenzah,77  and  she 
pronounced  the  last  two  words  as  if  she  were  establishing  her 
character  as  a  fashionable  woman,  by  her  elegant  mariner  of 
)  having  the  "  influenzah.7'  Ci  And  you  sick,  too,'7  said  we,  address- 
ing the  husband.  "  Yes,  sir,77  said  the  man  with  an  honest  em- 
phasis— "  Yes  sir, — Pm  having  this  d — d  horse  distemper  that's 
round  here  !7' 

GETTING  UP  AN  EXAMINATION. — "A  traveller,  who  we  after- 
wards knew,  once  arrived  at  a  village  inn,  after  a  hard  day7s 
travel,  and  being  very  tired,  requested  a  room  to  sleep  in,  but  the 
landlord  said  they  were  entirely  full,  and  it  was  utterly  impossible 
to  accommodate  him — that  his  wife  had  to  sleep  on  the  sofa,  and 
himself  on  the  floor  ;  but  that  he  would  see  what  his  wife  could 
;  do  for  him.  The  good  woman,  on  being  applied  to,  said  that  there 
i  was  one  room  which  he  might  occupy,  provided  he  would  agree  to 
t  the  conditions,  viz  :  to  enter  the  room  late,  in  the  dark,  and  leave 
it  early  in  the  morning,  to  prevent  scandal,  as  the  room  was  occu- 
pied by  a  lady.  This  he  agreed  to.  About  two  o'clock  that  night 
an  awful  noise  was  heard  in  the  house,  and  our  friend,  the  traveller, 
was  found  tumbling  heels  over  head  down  stairs.  On  our  host  and 
hostess  reaching  the  spot,  and  inquiring  what  the  matter  was,  the 
traveller  ejaculated,  as  soon  as  he  was  able  to  speak : — "  Oh,  Lord, 
the  woman's  dead  /"  "  I  know  that,'7  said  the  landlady,  "  but  koio 
did  you  find  it  out  /" 


Keep  your  countenance  open  and  your  thoughts  shut. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  205 


MRS.  PARTINGTON  ON  FUNNY-GRAPHY. — And  Ike  read,    "  Mr. 
Wightman  submitted  a  detailed  report  on  the  subject  of  introducing 
phonotopy,  as  a  study,  into  the  primary  schools."     "  Stop,  Isaac," 
said  Mrs.   Partington   threateningly   holding  up  her  finger,  and 
slightly  frowning ;  "  don't  make  light  of  anything  serious  that  you 
are  reading — it  isn't  pretty."     "But  it's  so  in  the  paper,  aunt," 
said  Ike  ]  and  he  again  read  the  sentence,  emphasising  the  word 
" phonotopy"   prodigiously.     Mrs.  Partington  adjusted  her  specs, 
and  looked  at  it,  letter  by  letter,  to  be  assured.     "  Well,  if  ever?" 
said  she,  holding  up  her  hands ;  "  I  declare  I  don't  know  what  j 
they're  gwine  to  do  next.     They're  always  organizing  or  piana-  ! 
fortin  the  schools,  and  now  this  funny  topy  comes  along  to  make  I 
7em  laugh,  I  s'pose.  when  they  ought  to  be  getting  their  lessons,  c 
Sich  levity  is  offal.     They  do  have  sich  queer  notions,  now-a-days  !  j 
I  can't  make  head  nor  tail  of  'em,  I'm  shore." 

RINGING  THE  DEVIL. — A  few  years  ago  at  a  negro  camp  meet-  > 

ing  held  near  Flushing  the  colored  preacher  said  :  "  I  tell  you,  my  I 

blubbed  bredern,  dat  de  debble  is  a  big  hog,  an'  one  of  dese  days  ; 

he'll  come  along  an'  root  you  all  out."     An  old  negro,  in  one  of  j 

I  the  anxious  pews,  hearing  this,  raised  himself  from  the  straw,  and  j 

I  clasping  his  hands  exclaimed  in  the  agony  of  his  tears — "  Ring  him,  j 

\  Lord  !  ring  him  !" 

STUFFED  GOOSE. — A  little  boy  not  over  ten  years  of  age,  was 
seen  the  other  day  cramming  his  mouth  full  of  :'  fine  cut,"  when  a 
:  gentleman  standing  by,  somewhat  amused  by  the  spectacle,  asked 
;  him  what  he  chewed  tobacco  for.  "  What  I  chaw  tobacco  fur  ?" 
:  replied  the  boy;  "  why,  sir,  I  chaw  it  to  get  the  strength  out  of  it, 
•  to  be  sure  !  what  d'ye  think  I  chaw  it  for  ?" 

I      Fish  for  no  compliments  AS  they  are  generally  caught  in  shallow 
;  water. 


206 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  207 

'TENTION  !  COMPANY  !  —  The  following  is  a  most  amusing 
description  of  a  Yankee  militia  drill,  by  the  author  of  ::  Georgia 
Scenes''  : — 

l'  Now,  gentlemen,"  said  Captain  Clodpole,  "I'm  goin'  to  put 
you  through  the  revolutions  of  the  manual  exercise.  Come,  boys, 
come,  stop  throwin'  dice  and  come  to  shoulder.  Shoulder  arms  !y) 
u  Handle,  catridge  !  Pretty  well,  considering  you  done  it  wrong 
end  foremost,  as  if  you  took  the  catridge  out  of  your  mouth,  and  j 
bit  off  the  twist  with  the  catridge-box. 

"Draw,  rammer  !     Those  who  have  no  rammers  to  their  guns 
need  not  draw,  but  only  make  the  motion ;  it  will  do  just  as  well 
•  and  save  a  great  deal  of  time. 

<      "  S-h-o-u-l — Shoulder,  arms  !     Very  handsomely  done,  indeed  ' 
Put  your  guns  on  the  other  shoulder,  gentlemen. 

"  Take  aim.  'Tention  the  hull  !  Please  to  observe,  gentlemen, 
that  at  the  word  '  fire  !'  you  must  fire  :  that  is,  if  any  of  your 
guns  are  loaded  d,  you  must  not  shoot  in  y earnest,  but  only  make 
5  pretence  like  ;  and  you,  gentlemen  fellow-soldiers,  who's  armed 
with  nothing  but  sticks,  riding-switches,  and  corn-stalks,  needn't 
go  through  the  firings,  but  stand  as  you  are,  and  keep  yourseh  es 
to  yourselves. 

"  Order,  arms  !      Handsomely  done,  gentlemen  !      Very  hand- 
somely done  !  and  altogether  too  except  that  one-half  of  you  were 
\  a  leetle  too  soon,  and  the  other  half  a  leetle  too  late. 
!      "  Now.  boys — Mention  the  hull !     To  the  left— left,  no — right — 
|  that  is,  the  left — I  mean  the  right — left,  wheel,  march  /" 
,      In  this  he  was  strictly  obeyed  ;  some  wheeling  to  the  right,  some 
t  to  the  left,  and  some  to  the  right-left,  or  both  ways. 

"  Why,  look  at  'em.  now  !"  exclaimed  the  captain,  in  extreme 
5  vexation :  ':  I'll  be  d — d  if  you  understand  a  word  I  say. 
li  'Tention  the  hull!'1  screamed  the  captain  in  despair. 
"  By   divisions   to   the   right  uiieel,  march  "'     In  doing  this,  it 


208 


MRS.      PARTINGTONS 


seemed  as  if  Bedlam  had  broke  loose  :  every  man  took  the  com- 
mand. Not  so  fast  on  the  right !  Slow  now  !  Haul  down  these 
umbrellas  !  Faster  on  the  left !  Keep  back  a  little  there  !  Don't 
scrouge  so  !  Hold  up  your  gun,  Sam  !  Go  faster  there  !  faster  !  l 

Who  trod  on  my !"     D — n  your  huffs  !     Keep  back  !     Stop 

us,  captain,  do  stop  us  ! 


CAN'T  WAIT. — It  is  said  that  ladies  who  go  to  California  fre- 
quently receive  offers  of  marriage  from  speaking  trumpets  before 
they  reach  the  wharfs. 

A    SABBATH    HYMX. 

'Tis  Sunday  morn,  the  church  bells  ring, 

Inviting  man  to  nod  or  pray, 
And  worldly  voices  soon  will  sing 

In  harmony  this  Sabba'day. 

And  Johnny  Jumps  will  there  be  found, 
(He  promised  so  to  Betsy  Wingers,) 

And  while  the  parson  talks  profound, 
He'll  look  demure  and  squeeze  her  fingers. 

He's  snugly  shaved,  his  hair's  well  'iled, 
On  shoes,  hat,  coat,  no  speck  of  dirt, 

Yet  why  does  Johnny  Jumps  seemed  riled  ? 
The  laundress  hasn't  brought  his  shirt  ! 

PROFIT  AND  Loss. — The  keeper  of  a  groggery  happened  one  day 
I  to  break  one  of  his  tumblers.     He  stood  for  a  moment  looking  at 
the  fragments,  and  reflecting  on  his  loss,  then  turning  to  his  assist- 
ant,   he   cried   out : — "  Tom,   put  a  quart  of  water  in  that  old 
Cognac !" 


CARPET-BAG     OP     FUN.  209 


INSINUATING  NIGGER, — There  was  said  to  be  a  vacant  tenement 
in  Cuffee's  upper  story  and,  as  he  chucked  his  grist  of  corn  into 
the  mill,  the  miller  said,  "  Cuff,  they  say  you  are  a  fool."  "  Wai, 
massa,"  replied  Cuff,  "  Cuff  knows  um  say  so — but  some  ting 
Cuff  kn»  w  and  some  ting  he  done  know."  "  Well,  Cuff,  what  do 
you  know  ?"  "  Wai,  massa,  Cuff  know  dat  millers  always  ha'  fat 
hog."  "  Well,  and  what  dorft  you  know  ?"  "  Wai,  massa — he  ! 
he  !  he  ! — Cuff  done  know  whose  corn  de  hog  fat  on." 


ESSONS  FOR  OLD  AND  YOUNG.  —  These  Lessons 
in  words  of  one  and  two  syllables  are  intended 
to  be  read  by  children  to  adults,  on  a  system  of 
mutual  instruction  by  which  both  parties  may 
teach  and  learn  at  the  same  time. 

The  Tip-sy  Man.  —  Look  at  that  Man.  He  can-not  walk  straight. 
See  how  he  rolls  and  tum-bles  a-bout.  He  can-not  speak  plain. 
Why  can  he  not  speak  plain,  and  why  does  he  tum-ble  and  roll 
a-bout  ?  He  has  been  drink-ing.  I  think  he  has  had  too  much 
bran-dy  and  wa-ter.  He  is  a  tip-sy  man.  His  head  will  ache  to- 
morrow. How  silly  of  him  to  drink  too  much  bran-dy  and  wa-ter, 
and  make  his  head  ache  !  Pa-pa  ne-ver  drinks  too  much  bran-dy 
and  wa-ter.  What  a  good  Pa-pa  ! 

The  Dra-per's  Shop.  —  That  is  a  dra-per's  shop.     There  is  a  la-dy. 
She  is  buy-ing  a  dress.     Where  is  her  husband  ?     He  is  at  work. 
He  does  not  know  that  she  is  buy-ing  a  dress.     She  has  more  j 
dres-ses  than  she  wants.     Her  hus-band  will  have  to  pay  for  her  j 
new  dress.     He  can-not  af-ford  the  mo-ney.     It  is  ve-ry  wrong  of 
her  to  buy  a  dress  that  she  does  not  want,  when  he  can-  not  af-ford 
to  pay  for  it.     Mam-ma  ne-ver  serves  Pa-pa  so  ;  does  she,  dear 
Mam-ma  ? 

It's  the  last  ostrich  feather  that  breaks  the  hushand's  back. 


210  MRS, 

"GOT  ANY  TEBACKER." — A  gentleman  travelling  on  an  unfre- 
quented road  in  Maine,  and  passing  a  solitary  shanty  or  shingle 
shop,  his  attention  was  arrested  by  a  cry  of  "  Hallo  there  !  I  say  ! 
Murder!  Fire!  Tongs!  ^  rid  irons  !  Hullo?"  and  a  man  was  seen 
rushing  in  great  haste,  wearing  a  leather  apron,  but  without  a  coat, 
and  approached  the  traveller.  "  What  is  the  matter  ! — what  is 
the  matter?"  inquired  the  traveller.  {;  Oh  I'm  out  o'  tebacker," 
replied  he,  "  got  any  about  yer  ?" 


BOY  CONSTRUCTOR. — "Father!  father!  have  you  got  a  quarter 
about  you  ?  The  great  zoological  avery  and  circus  is  coming  here 
to-day.  They  are  got  some  new  things,  father  ;  a  great  boy  con- 
structor •  and  an  African  lion  just  from  Asia,  with  forty  stripes  on 
his  back,  and  nary  one  alike:  all  the  monkeys  on  a  keen  jump. 
Children  under  ten  years  of  age,  half  price.  Mayn't  I  go,  father  ?" 
"  Why,  sartain  !" 


WOMEN  AND  DANCING. — The  foil-owing  humorous  yarn  was  spun 
by  Lever,  the  facetious  author  of  Chas.  O'Malley. 

14  I  believe  a  woman  would  do  a  great  deal  for  a  dance,"  said 
Dr.  Growling;  u  they  are  immensely  fond  of  saltatory  motion  I 
remember  once  in  my  life  I  used  to  flirt  with  one  who  was  a  great 
favorite  in  a  provincial  town  where  I  lived,  and  confided  to  me  she 
had  no  stockings  to  appear  in,  and  without  them  her  presence  at 
the  ball  was  out  of  the  question." 

"  That  was  a  hint  to  you  to  buy  the  stockings/'  said  Dick. 

"  No  :  you're  out,"   said   Growling.     "  She  knew  that  I  was 
as  poor  as  herself  •  but  though  she  could  not  rely  on  my  purse,  she 
had  every  confidence  in  my  taste  and  judgment,  and  consulted  me 
on  a  plan  she  formed  for  going  to  the  ball  in  proper  trig      Now  I 
what  do  you  think  it  was  !" 

"  To  go  in  cotton,  I  suppose,"  said  Dick. 

"  Out  again  sir — you'd  never  guess  it  j  and  only  a  woman  could 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  211 


have  hit  upon  the  expedient.  Et  was  the  fashion  in  those  days  for 
ladies  in  full  dress  to  wear  pink  stockings,  and  she  proposed  paint- 
ing her  legs  !" 

"  Painting  her  legs  !''  they  all  exclaimed. 

"  Fact,  sir,"  said  the  Doctor,  "  and  she  relied  upon  me  for  telling 
her  if  the  cheat  was  successful." 

"  And  was  it  ?"  asked  Durfy. 

"  Don't  be  in  a  hurry,  Tom,  I  complied  on  one  condition,  namely, 
that  I  should  be  the  painter." 

"  Oh,  you  old  rascal !"  said  Dick. 

"  A  capital  bargain,"  said  Durfy. 

"  But  not  a  safe  covenant,"  added  the  attorney. 

"Don't  interrupt  me,  gentleman."  said  the  doctor.  "  I  got  some 
rose  pink,  accordingly,  and  I  defy  all  the  hosiers  in  Nottingham  to 
make  a  tighter  fit  than  I  did  on  little  Jenny;  and  a  prettier  pair  of 
stockings  I  never  saw." 

;;  And  she  went  to  the  ball  ?"  said  Dick. 

"She  did." 

"  And  the  trick  succeeded  !"  said  Durfy. 

"  So  completely,"  said  the  Doctor,  "  that  several   ladies  asked 
her  to  recommend  her  dyer  to  them.     So.  you  see  what  a  woman  s 
will  do  to  go  to   a  dance.     Poor  little  Jenny  !  she  was   a  merry  ) 
minx  ;  by  the  by,  she  boxed  my  ears  that  night  for  a  joke  I  made 
about  the  stockings.     "  Jenny,"   said  I,  "  for  fear  your  stockings 
should  fall  down  when  you  are  dancing,  hadn't  you  better  let  me 
paint  a  pair  of  garters  on  them?" 

OH  !  CAPTING. — A  captain,  one  of  the  old  school,  being  at  a 
ball,  had  been  accepted  by  a  beautiful  partner,  a  lady  of  rank, 
who,  in  the  most  delicate  manner  possible,  hinted  to  him  the 
propriety  of  putting  on  a  pair  of  gloves.  "  Oh !"  was  the 
elegant,  reply  ;  "  never  mind  me.  ma'am;  /  shall  wash  my  hands  • 
I  ivf>  •)>  Fve  done  dancing." 


212 


SMALL  MISTAKE. — As  a  minister  and  a  lawyei  were  riding  to- 
!  gether,  says  the  minister  to  the  lawyer,  "  Sir,  do  you  ever  make 
mistakes  in  pleading  ?" 

"  I  do,"  says  the  lawyer. 

"And  what  do  you  do  with  mistakes?"  inquired  the  minister. 

"  Why,  sir,  if  large  ones^  I  mend  them ;  if  small  ones,  1  let  them 
go,"  said  the  lawyer. 

"  And  pray,  sir."  continued  he,  "  do  you  ever  make  mistakes  in 
preaching  ?" 

u  Yes  sir,  I  have." 

"  And  what  do  you  do  with  mistakes  ?"  said  the  lawyer. 

"  Why,  sir,  I  dispose  of  them  in  the  same  manner  as  you  do.  I 
rectify  the  large  and  let  the  small  ones  go.  Not  long  since."  con- 
tinued he,  "  as  I  was  preaching,  I  meant  to  observe  that  the  devil 
was  the  father  of  liars  ;  but  made  a  mistake,  and  said  the  father 
of  lawyers.  The  mistake  was  so  small  that  I  let  it  go." 

"  ENTICEMENT." — A  sailor  lately  gave  evidence  before  a  court 
of  law  in  a  case  of  assault.  He  stated  that  "  Jack"  (the  traverser) 
had  powerfully  enticed  Sam  (the  complainant.)  Jack's  counsel 
asked  him  to  explain  what  he  meant  by  the  word  entice.  li  Why, 
sir,  I  mean  this — Jack  took  a  big  handspike,  and  drove  it  plump  in 
Sam's  back.  That's  what  I  calls  enticing." 

WHISKEY  STILL. — An  Irish  friend,  speaking  of  his  native  country, 

said  it  was  an  execrable  place  ;  in  fact,  the  only  thing  in  it  worth 

owning   was   the   whiskey,    and   that   certainly    was    admirable. 

u  You  mean  to  say  then,'''  said  a  waggish  friend,  u  that  with  all 

\  her  faults,  you  love  her  still  /" 

THE  GRAMMAR  or  MATRIMONY. — If  you  are  a  very  precise  mn- 
and  wish  to  be  certain  of  what  you  get,  never  marry  a  girl  named 
Ann.  for  we  have  the  authority  of  Lindley   Murray  and  many 
others  for  the  assertion,  that  "  Ann  is  an  indefinite  article." 


CARPET-BAG     OF      FUN. 


213 


WHY'S  SAYING'S. — Why  is  the  Sun  like  a  good  loaf? — Because 
it's  light  when  it  rises.  { 

Why  is  a  bird   a  greedy  creature  ? — Because  it  never  eats  less 
than  a  peck. 

Why  isn't  a  boy  like  a  pretty  bonnet  ? — Because  one  becomes  a 
woman,  the  other  don't. 

Why  is  killing  bees  like  a  confession? — Because  you  unbuzz' em.  *( 

Why  is  a  lover  like  a  knocker  ?    Because  he  is  bound  to  ador    ? 
(a  dore.) 


APPLE  BASS. 


214 


MRS.     PARTINQTON8 


A  TIGHT  FIT. — The  editor  of  one  of  the  Maine  papers  says  that 
he  has  had  a  pair  of  boots  given  him  which  were  so  tight,  that 
they  came  very  near  making  him  a  Universalist,  because  he 
received  his  punishment  as  he  went  along. 


COURTING  TOO  STRONG. — We  have  heard  of  a  story  of  an  old 
maid  in  Vermont,  who  lately  preferred  a  complaint  to  Mr.  Attorney 
Saxe,  against  an  ardent  bachelor  of  sixty,  for  "  courting  her  too 
strong !" 

The  attorney  replied  that  it  was  difficult  to  reach  cases  of  that 
sort,  as  "  the  mean  temperature  of  courtship  was  not  set  down  in 
the  books." 

"  Why,  this  is  just  the  case,"  said  the  aggrieved  spinster,  "  itV 
the  mean  temperature  of  his  affection  that  I  don't  like  !" 

The  attorney  promised  to  "talk  to  tie  man,"  and  the  unhappy 
sufierer  from  "  strong  courtship"  retired. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  215 


No  REST  HERE. — The  manager  of  a  country  theatre,  during  the 
]  rehearsal   of  a   musical   piece,    observed   a   horn-player   in   the 
orchestra  sitting  inactive,  while  the  other  musicians  were  playing. 
"  Why  ain't  you  playing,   sir  ?"   sharply  demanded  the  manager. 
"  Why.  sir,"   said  the  performer,  who  was  busy  counting  some  » 
fifty  bars  in  his.  part,  "  I  am  resting."     "  Resting,  sir  !"  exclaimed  ) 
the  potentate,  "  Fll  have  no  resting  in  my  theatre — play  on,  sir  !"  \ 

MRS.  PARTINGTON'S  IDEA  ON  HAIR  STUFF. — :l  What  an  age  of 
improvement,"  said  Mrs.  Partington,  as  she  held  before  her  a  bottle 
of  Chlorine  Lustrale.  "  In  my  days  the  gals  and  fellers  slicked 
up  their  hair  with  hog  fat  and  candle  ends;  but  now  they  are 
crazy  about  the  Gloryhorn  Lustyrail.  Dear  me.  how  different 
things  is  on  the  outsquirts  of  society.  Wai,  I  guess  I'll  try  a  bit 
of  this  slickering  stuff  and  see.  The  worthy  lady  '*  slicked"  her 
hair  with  Chlorion  Lustrale,  went  down  stairs  and  was  ogled  by 
all  the  beaux,  as  a  fine  looking  widow  at  the  least.  Poor  soul, 
she  went  home,  u  highly  indigent,"  as  she  said,  at  such  rude 
behavior. 


OH  LARD. — A  Baptist  clergyman  was  on  the  witness  stand,  and 
Squire  C.  who  knew  his  profession,  commenced  his  cross-examina- 
tion in  the  following  manner  : 

"  What  is  your  employment  ?"  "  Oh  sir,  I  am  an  humble  candle 
of  the  Lord.  '  "  Ah,  yes,  a  dipped  one,  I  believe,"  said  the  wicked 
lawyer. 


DESPKRATE 


216 


LITERAL  CONSTRUCTION. — A  celerated  teacher  of  grammar,  snce 
on  a  time,  set  his  class  to  parsing  the  following  lines  of  Pope  ; — 
"  Heaven  from  all  creatures  hides  the  book  of  fate ; 
All  but  the  page  described',"  &c. 

The  word  "  all,"  in  the  second  line,  had  been  parsed,  when 
coming  to  the  word  "  but."  and  directing  his  eye  to  the  next  pupil, 
the  master  said — 

'-'But'— the  next."  \ 

No  sooner  was  the  word  out,  than  plump  went  the  head  of  the 
pupil  into  the  bread-basket  of  his  next  neighbor. 

"  Boo  ! — hoo  ! — hoo  !"  roared  the  latter,  most  lustily. 

"  What  are  you  about,  there  ?"  said  the  master  to  the  former. 

"  I  am  butting  the  next,  sir,  as  you  told  me,"  replied  the  lad. 


ONE  or  THE  BHOYS. — "  A  boy  is  the  spirit  of  mischief  embodied 
— a  perfect  teetotum — spinning  round  like  a  jenny,  or  tumbling 
heels  over  head.  He  must  invariably  go  through  the  process  of 
leaping  over  every  chair  in  his  reach,  makes  drum-heads  of  the  i 
1  doors,  turns  the  tin-pans  into  cymbals,  takes  the  best  knives  out  to 
dig  worms  for  bait,  and  loses  them,  hunts  up  the  molasses  cask 
and  leaves  the  molasses  running,  is  boon-companion  to  the  sugar 
barrel,  searches  up  all  the  pie  and  preserves  left  after  supper,  and 
eats  them,  goes  to  the  apples,  hides  his  old  cap  in  order  to  wear 
his  best  one,  cuts  his  boots  accidentally  if  he  wants  a  new  pair, 
tears  his  clothes  for  fun,  jumps  into  the  puddles  for  fun,  and  for 
ditto  tracks  your  carpets  and  cuts  your  furniture.  He  is  romping, 
shouting,  blustering,  and  in  all  but  his  best  estate  a  terrible  torment, 
especially  to  his  sisters.  He  don't  pretend  to  much  until  he  is 
twelve ;  then  the  rage  for  frock  coats  and  high  dickies  commences. 
At  fourteen  he  is  too  big  to  split  wood  or  go  after  water,  and  at 
the  time  these  interesting  offices  ought  to  be  performed,  contrives 
to  be  invisible ;  whether  concealed  in  the  garret  w:*h  some  old 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN 


217 


worm-eaten  novel  for  a  companion,  ensconced  in  the  wood-shed 
trying  to  learn  legerdemain  tricks,  or  bound  off  on  some  expedition  , 
that  turns  out  to  be  in  most  cases  more  deplorable  than  explorabi-5 1 
— to  coin  a  word.     At  fifteen  he  has  a  tolerable  experience  of  the  j 
world — but,  from  fifteen  to  twenty — may  we  be  clear  from  the  j 
track  when  he  is  in  sight :  he  knows  more  than  Washington  and  \ 
Benjamin  Franklin  together  j  in  other  words,  he  knows  more  then, 
than  he  ever  will  know  again. 


The  above  drawing  was  made  by  u  our  Artist,"  while  under  the 
influence  of  the  spirits,  (note  confidential — he  generally  takes  gin.) 


CHRISTIAN  RESIGNATION. — Some  years  ago,  there  lived  in  the 
interior  of  Connecticut,  an  old  farmer,  whose  name  has  since  been 
•made  familiar  to  the  nation  by  the  distinction  of  one  of  his  sons, 
and  who  was  famous,  far  and  wide,  for  his  hard  drinking  and  his 


10 


218 


MRS.    PARTING-TON'S 


wit.  On  one  occasion,  under  the  pressure  of  an  unusual  large 
brick  which  accidentally  got  into  his  hat  at  the  village  inn.  the 
old  man  strayed  into  the  graveyard  near  his  residence,  where 
he  found  the  navigation  somewhat  rougher  than  he  was  prepared 
for.  The  consequence  was,  that  before  he  got  far,  he  stumbled 
headlong  between  two  well-rounded  graves,  which  were  lying  in 
his  path,  where  he  found  that  it  was  easier  for  a  man  in  his 
situation  to  lie  down  than  it  was  to  get  up.  After  several 
ineffectual  efforts,  and  leaning  now  upon  one  of  the  graves,  and 
now  upon  the  other,  for  the  support  he  required,  he  fell  back,  and 
throwing  his  hands  out  over  the  sods  which  covered  the  remains  of 
his  nearest  neighbors,  he  exclaimed,  "  Well !  never  mind ;  I 
suppose  we  shall  all  rise  together  /" 

A  WATER  CURIOUS  ANECDOTE. — Here's  Hood's  illustration  of 
hydropathy  : — "  It  has  been  our  good  fortune,  since  reading 
'  Claridge  on  Hydropathy,'  to  see  a  sick  drake  avail  itself  of  the 
'  cold  water  cure,'  at  the  dispensary  in  St.  James  Park.  First. 
walking  in,  he  took  a  '  fuss  bad  ;'  then  he  made  a  l  sit.z  bad,'  and 
then  turning  his  curly  tail  up  in  the  air,  he  took  a  'kopfbad.' 
Lastly,  he  rose  almost  upright  on  his  latter  end,  and  made  such  a 
triumphant  napping  with  his  wings,  that  we  really  expected  he 
was  going  to  shout,  l  Priessnitz  forever  /'  But  no  such  thing  :  he 
only  said  — 


QUACK!  QUACK!  QUACK  I 
A  narrowness  of  waist  shows  a  narrowness  of  mind. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


219 


EXTREME  DELICACY. — "  Is  there  anything  the  matter?" 

"  There  is,  sir,"  was  the  host's  reply. 

"  Have  I  given  any  offence  ?" 

"  You  have,  sir." 

"  Really,  I  am  ignorant  of  it." 

"  Such  language  won't  suit  here,  sir." 

"  My  dear  sir,  what  language  ?" 

"  You  were  talking  of  soup." 

u  We  were." 

"  You  mentioned  ox-tail." 

"  I  did." 

"  That  is  it,  that  is  it,  sir.  That  cent  the  ladies  blushing  out  of 
the  room }  that  highly  improper  language  which  I  never  heard  at 
any  board  before,  and  should  not  have  expected  it  from  you." 

"  Why,  sir,  I  but  called  it  its  proper  name.  You  asked  a  ques- 
tion, and  I  replied.  I  am,  however,  sorry  that  it  has  given  offence 
— but  I  really  do  not  know  how  I  could  well  have  avoided  it." 

"  Then,  sir,  I  advise  you,  when  you  have  occasion  another  time 
to  speak  of  that  peculiar  soup,  do  not  call  it  ox  tail." 

"  No  ?" 

"  No,  sir  !" 

"But  what  shall  I  call  it?" 

"Fly-dispenser!" 


HAIE  SOUP. 


220  MRS. 

AN   INCIDENT  OF  TRAVEL. 

The  traveller  slept  with  his  arms  across, 

And  his  feet  on  the  seat  before  him, 
His  baggage  secured,  his  ticket  in  view, 
That  the  busy  conductor,  in  travelling  through, 

Might  have  no  occasion  to  bore  him. 

He  slept  as  he  rode,  and  he  rode  as  he  slept, 

Entirely  unconscious  of  motion, 

The  whistle  was  drowned  in  a  wonderful  snore,        » 
And  his  city  bought  hat,  was  rolled  on  the  floor, 

With  his  ticket  from  Piermont  to  Goshen. 

But  his  neighbors,  who  nodded  and  gaped  by  his  side, 

Observed  that  his  snoring  was  past, 
The  snore  so  expressive,  so  clear  and  so  loud, 
The  snore  that  might  make  its  progenitor  proud, 

Had  failed  in  its  strength  at  last. 

What  vision  had  crossed  the  traveller  s  sleep  ? 

Whose  breath  could  his  slumbers  unsettle  ? 
Was't  a  troublesome  dream — a  glimpse  of  the  past — 
Dark  memories  crowding,  thick,  heavy  and  fast, 

And  stinging  and  sharp  as  the  nettle  ? 

Had  he  cherished  a  hope  that  had  cheated  his  grasp  ? 

Or  his  heart  met  a  burden  of  care  ? 
VTas't  a  deed  of  unkindness  that  haunted  his  mind, 
Oh  no  !  but  a  lady  was  sitting  behind, 

And  her  baby  was  pulling  his  hair. 

EXCITING  SUBJECT.—"  What."  said  a  lady,  "  do  you  think  of 
platonic  love  ?"  "  Madam,"  replied  the  gentleman,  "  it  is  like  all 
other  tonics — very  exciting." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  221 

A  LESSON  IN  GEOGRAPHY. — From  what  is  the  word  Geography 
derived  ? 

An  old  horse  named  "  Graphy,"  who  used  to  wag  on  in  a  wagon, 
to  different  places ;  being  quickened  in  his  paces  by  the  well-known 
word,  Gee  ho — or  Ge-oh  Graphy. 

What  does  Geography  describe  ? 

The  earth ;  on  which  some  Itve,  some  exist,  and  others  starve. 

What  is  the  figure  of  the  earth  ? 

It  more  resembles  a  cypher  than  a  figure,  being  of  the  form  of  a 
naught  (0.)  which  accounts  for  the  naughty  people  in  it,  at  the  same 
time  it  shows  that  it  was  made  from  0 — nothing. 

What  is  a  strait  ? 

A  jackass  between  two  bundles  of  hay. 

How  is  China  divided  ? 

Generally  by  a  tumble  down  stairs,  or  a  want  of  keeping  uj  the 
equilibrium  of  forces ;  and  generally  laid  to  the  cat. 

For  what  is  Scotland  celebrated  ? 

Oatmeal,  bannocks,  haggis  and 


SCOTCH    FIDDLES. 


222 


MRS.     P  ARTINGTON    8 


What  is  Lapland  ? 

The  first  seat  of  babyhood,  and  close  to  Brest. 

What  ocean  is  the  best  for  quarrelsome  people  ? 

The  Pacific  ocean. 

From  what  is  the  term  America  derived  ? 

From  "  a  merry  key,"  in  which  the  Yan-Jbys  dance  to  the  tone 
of  Yanfcey  doodle. 

For  what  is  America  famous? 

For  "  going-a-head,"  taking  the  sharpness  out  of  the  lightning, 
the  growls  from  thunder,  fury  from  tempepts,  and  a  tarnation  deal 
of  impudence  from  gunpowder. 

What  is  the  character  of  the  free-born  American  citizen  ? 

Two-thirds  sea  serpent,  four  tifths  alligator,  three  fourths  torpedo, 
and  the  rest  steam. 

What  are  the  principal  characteristics  of  Ireland  ? 

Big  bouncible  bullyism  "  the  rint,"  "  repale,"  big  beggar  men 
and 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  223 


PATHETIC. 

Long  is  the  morn 

That  brings  no  eve ; 
Tall  is  the  corn 

That  no  cobs  have ; 
Hard  is  the  apple, 
Blue  is  the  sky, 
That  never  gets  yellow ; 
But  longer,  and  bluer,  and  harder  than  all, 
Is  my  own  lady-love — my  adorable  Poll. 

IRISH  EVIDENCE. — "  Pray,  my  good  man,"  said  a  Judge  to  an 
Irishman,  who  was  witness  on  a  trial,  ''what  did  pass  between 
you  and  the  prisoner  ?"  u  Och  !  thin,  plase  your  Lordship,"  said 
Pat,  "  sure  I  sees  Phelim  a  top  of  the  wall,  '  Paddy,'  says  he  ; 
'What?'  says  I;  'Here,'  says  he;  '  Where  ?'  says  I;  'Whisht!' 
says  he  ;  '  Hush !'  says  I  j  and  that's  all,  plase  your  lordship." 


LITERARY  CURIOSITY. — The  following,  is  a  copy  of  an  excuse 
recently  handed  in  to  a  schoolmaster  for  the  non-attendance  of  one 
of  his  scholars. 

"  cepatomtogoataturing." 

If  our  readers  can  make  out  to  solve  the  above  without  having 

it  labelled,  we  give  up  at  once  that  they  are  more  apt  at  such 

things  than  our  humble  selves — and  for  fear  that  there  may  be 

some  who  would  not  understand  it  without  an  explanation  we  sub- 

|  join  the  following : — "  Kept  at  home  to  go  a  taturing  /" 


GRIN  AND  BEAR  IT. — "Oh  Dear,  I  can't  bear  to  have  this  great 
ugly  tooth  pulled,"  said  a  lady  to  a  dentist  who  was  preparing  to 
extract  one  of  her  molars  "  What  shall  I  do,  doctor  ?" 

"  Do  nothing  but  grin  and  bare  it,"  replied  the  dentist. 


THREE  DATS  AFTER  SIGHT. — A  Frenchman,  unacquainted  with 

business,  once  received  a  draft,  payable  in  three  days  sight  at  a 

certain  bank.     The  first  day  he  presented  himself  at  the  counter, 

and  taking  the  draft  from  his  pocket-book,  extended  it  towards  the 

I  eyes  of  the  paying  teller,  and  to  his  astonishment  said:  "  you  see 

I  that  once,"   and  folding  the  draft  he  walked  away.     The  next 

i  morning  he  appeared  again,  and  going  through  the  same  form, 

)  said,  ll  you  see  that  twice." — The  third  day  he  appeared  again, 

and  aaid,  "  you  see  him  three  time.     By  gar  you  will  pay  him." 

AFFECTING   POEM. 

I  deerly  luv  the  singing  birdr 

And  little  buzzin'  B : 
But  deerer  far  than  all  the  world, 

Is  thy  sweet  voice  to  me. 

0  !  very  deep  is  daddy's  well, 

And  deeper  is  the  see — 
But  deepest  in  my  busum  is 

The  luv  I  bare  for  thee. 

Then  smile  on  me  dear  Angyline, 

To  make  my  heart  feel  light, 
Chain  the  big  dog  and  I  will  cum, 

A  cortin  Sunday  nite. 

OLD   LADY   ON  A  STRING. — An  old   lady   who  did  not  know 

whether  her  plantation  was  in  Virginia  or  North  Carolina,  found, 

when  the  line  was  run,  that  she  was  a  resident  of  the  former. 

"  Well,"  said  she,  "  I  am  glad  I  don't  live  in  North  Carolina  !     It 

i  was  always  such  a  sickly  State." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


225 


SCENE    IN    A    CLOAK    ROOM. 

Stout  Gentleman. — "  That  MY  COAT  ?" 
Attendant. — "  IT  is  THE  ONLY  ONE  LEFT,  siu." 

ONE  or  THE  WITNESSES. — Lawyers  allege  that  there  are  fouk- 
classes  of  witnesses — those  who  prove  too  much,  those  who  prove 
too  little,  those  of  a  totally  negative  character,  and  those  of  no 
character  at  all,  who  will  prove  anything.  We  have  a  case  in 
point. 

Far,  very  far  away  from  the  tall  Blue  Mountains,  at  a  little 
place  called  Sodom,  there  were  upon  a  time  three  neighbors  called 
in  as  arbitrators  to  settle  a  point  relative  to  some  stolen  chickens, 
in  dispute  between  one  Lot  Corson  and  a  '•  hard  case"  called 


226 


MRS.      PARTI NGTON8 


Emanuel  Allen,  better  known  thereabout  as  King  of  the  Marsh. 
li  Mister  Constable,"  said  one  of  the  dcmi-judicials,  "  now  call 
the  principal  witness." 

"Lanty  Oliphant !  Lanty  O-li-phant !"  bawled  Dogberry. 
':  Mosey  in  and  be  swore." 

In  obedience  to  this  summons,  little  Lanty,  in  whom  the  bottle 
had  usurped  the  place  in  the  affections  commonly  assigned  to  soap 
and  water,  waddled  up,  and  was  qualified,  deprecating  by  a  look  ( 
the  necessity  of  such  a  useless  ceremony  among  gentlemen. 

"  Mister  Oliphant,  you  are  now  swore.  Do  you  know  the  value 
of  an  oath  ?"  asked  the  senior  of  the  board. 

"  Doesn't  I !"  rejoined  Lanty,  with  a  wink  at  a  by-stander. 
"Four  bushel  of  weight  wheat,  the  old  score  wiped  off,  and  licker 
for  the  hull  day  throwed  in." 

This  matter-of-fact  answer  met  a  severe  frown  from  the  man 
with  the  red  ribbon  around  his  hat. 

"Well,  Mister  Oliphant,"  continued  the  senior,  "tell  all  you 
know  about  this  here  case.  Bill  Morse,  shoo  your  dog  off  that  old 
sow." 

Lanty  here  testified.  "  Feeling  a  sort  of  outish  t'other  day,  ses 
I  to  the  old  woman,  ses  I,  '  I'll  jist  walk  over  to  Lot's,  and  take  a 
nipper  or  two  this  mornin,'  ses  I.  '  It'll  take  the  wind  off  my 
stomach  sorter.'  ses  I.  Then  the  old  woman's  feathers  riz,  they 
did,  like  a  porkypine's  bristles ;  and,  ses  she,  '  if  you'd  on'y  aim 
more  bread  and  i^eat,  and  drink  less  whisky,  you  wouldn't  have 
wind  on  your  stomach.'  '  Suse,'  ses  I,  '  this  is  one  of  my  resarved 
rights,  and  I  goes  agin  home  industry,'  ses  I.  sort  o'  laughin  out  o' 
the  wrong  side  o;  my  mouth.  '  Resarved  rights  or  desarved  wrongs,' 
ses  she,  'you'r  always  adrinkin  and  talkin  politics  when  you  orter 
be  at  work,  and  there's  never  nothin  to  eat  in  the  house.'  Well, 
as  I  was  agoin  over  to  Lot's  jist  fernent  where  the  fence  ica.v,  ses 
I  to  myself,  ses  I,  if  there  isn't  the  old  King's  critters  in  my  corn- 
field ;  so  I'll  jist  go  and  tell  him  on't.  When  I  gets  there,  '  Good 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  227 


morn'n  Lanty,'  ses  he.  '  Good  mornin  old  hoss,'  ses  I ;  and  when 
1  went  in,  there  was  a  pot  on  the  fire  a  cookin,  with  a  great  big 
speckled  rooster  in  it. 

"  Mister  Oliphant !"  here  interposed  one  of  the  arbitrators. 
•'  Remember  that  you  are  on  oath.  How  dor  you  know  that  the 
chicken  in  the  pot  was  '  a  big  speckled  rooster  ?" 

"  'Kase  I  seed  the  feathers  at  the  woodpile  /"  promptly  responded 
Lanty,  who  then  continued — 

"  Well,  when  I  gets  to  Lot's,  c  Good  mornin,  Lot,'  ses  I.  'Good 
mornin,  Lanty,'  ses  he.  l  You  didn't  see  nothin  no  where  of  nar' 
a  big  speckled  rooster  that  didn't  belong  to  nobody,  did  you  ?'  ses 
he.  :  Didn't  I  ?'  ses  I.  '  Come,  Lanty,'  ses  he,  l  let's  take  a  nip- 
per,' ses  he  ;  and  then  I  up  and  tells  him  all  about  it." 

"Had  Mr.  Allen  no  chickens  of  his  own?'7  asked  the  senior. 

"  Sartin,"  rejoined  Lanty  j  "  but  there  warn't  a  rooster  in  the 
crowd.  They  was  all  layin1  hens!'1 

"  Well,"  inquired  another  of  the  referees,  "  how  many  of  these 
hens  had  Mr.  Allen?" 

This  question  fairly  "stumped"  Lanty  for  a  moment;  but  he 
quickly  answered — 

"  Why,  with  what  was  there,  and  what  wasn't  there,  counting 
little  and  big,  spring  chickens  and  all,  there  was  forty  odd  EXACTLY  !" 

No  further  questions  were  put  to  this  witness. 

VERDANCY. — In  a  case  where  a  mother  was  to  swear  to  the 
paternity  of  her  babe,  one  of  the  sapient  Ten  Governors,  or  a 
deputy,  asked  her,  with  apparent  force,  "  Will  you  swear,  woman 
that  you  were  present  at  the  birth  of  this  child  ?" 

"  Ye*,  sir  ;  I  rayther  think  I  was!"  was  the  innocent  reply. 

AN  ASTONISHED  MAN. — When  David  slew  Goliah  with  a  sling, 
the  latter  fell  stone  dead,  and  of  course  was  quite  astonished,  as 
such  a  thing  had  never  entered  his  heed  before. 


228 


HAIL  COLUMBY. — "  There  is  that  in  the  ensuing  effusion  which 
cannot  fail  to  rouse  the  slumbering  patriotism  of  every  American 
heart.  It  was  composed  by  a  western  poet,  in  '  one  hour3  by  a 
Connecticut  clock :' 

"  '  What !  tfust  this  glorious  Union  up, 

An'  go  to  drawin'  triggers. 
Just  for  a  thunderin7  passel  of 

Emancipated  niggers  ? 
The  eagle  of  Ammeriky, 

That  flue  across  the  sees, 
An'  throw'd  the  bluddy  British  lion 

Ker-slump  upon  his  knees  : 
Say ! — shall  we  rend  him  lim  from  lim, 

Wun  wing  wun  way,  and  wun  t'other, 
And  every  sepperit  pin-fether 

A  fly  in  at  the  other  ?'  " 

"  This  is  the  kind  of  spirit  that  is  going  to  preserve  our  l  great 
and  gel-lorious  ked'ntry'  from  premature  dissolution. 

HE  UGLY  MAN. — The  west  is  a  great  country.  Tall  things 
happen  there  now  and  then.  Here  is  a  specimen. 
Having  occasion  to  pass  through  the  upper  lakes  last 
June.  I  was  so  happy  as  to  find  myself  a  passenger  on  > 
board  that  palace  of  a  boat,  the  "  Empire,"  Emperor 
Howe,  commanding.  My  travelling  companion  for 
the  time  happened  to  be  a  thorough-bred  "  Hoosier," 
a  prince  of  a  fellow,  one  who  feared  God  and  loved 
fun  and  the  ladies,  but  who  was,  withal,  a  most 
abominable  stammerer.  We  had  not  been  long 
aboard,  when  the  captain  called  our  attention  to  a 
J  most  remarkable  looking  individual  seated  at  the  end  of  the  cabin. 
J I  am  not  myself  particularly  handsome,  and  have  seen  some  ill- 
j  looking  fellows  in  my  day,  but,  so  ugly  a  man  as  this  had 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  229 

never  crossed  the  scope  of  my  vision.  Howe  declared  him  emphati- 
cally the  "ugliest  man  that  ever  lived,"  whereupon  my  friend 
Tom  offered  to  wager  half  a  dozen  that  he  had  seen  a  worse  one 
in  the  steerage.  The  bet  was  at  once  accepted,  and  Tom  started 
off  for  the  man,  who  was  to  be  brought  up  for  comparison.  He 
found  the  fellow  a  bit  of  a  wag,  as  an  intolerably  ugly  man  is  apt 
to  be,  and,  after  the  promise  of  a  "  nip,"  nothing  loth  to  exhibit 
himself.  As  they  entered  the  cabin  door,  my  friend,  with  an  air 
of  conscious  triumph,  turned  to  direct  our  attention  to  his  champion, 
when  he  discovered  the  fellow  trying  to  insure  success  by  making 
up  faces. 

"  St — st — st — stop!"  said  he,  uno — no — no — none  of  that! 
You  st — st — stay  just  as  God  Almighty  made  you.  You  ca — ca — 
ca — can't  be  beat  /" 

And  he  wasn't. 


ABSENCE  OF  MIND. — The  first  Lord  Lyttleton  was  very  absent 
in  company.  One  day  at  dinner,  his  lordship  pointed  to  a  particu- 
lar dish,  and  asked  to  be  helped  of  it,  calling  it,  however,  by  a 
name  very  different  from  that  which  the  dish  contained.  A  gentle- 
man was  *bout  to  tell  him  of  his  mistake, — "  Never  mind," 
whispered  another  of  the  party,  "  help  him  to  what  he  asked  for, 
and  he  will  suppose  it  is  what  he  wanted." 

TOM  DIBDIN  AND  THE  LozENG.F    — Tom  Dibdin  had  a  cottage  j 
near  Box-hill,  to  which,  after  his  theatrical  labors,  he  was  delight- 
ed to  retire.     One  stormy  night,  after   Mr.  and  Mrs.   Dibdin  had 
been  in  bed  some  time,  Mrs.  D.  being  kept  awake  by  the  violence 
of  the  weather,  aroused  her  husband,  exclaiming,  ''  Tom  !  Tom  ! 
get  up  !"     "  What  for  ?"  said  he.     "  Don't  you  hear  how  very  bad 
the  wind  is?"     "  Is  it  ?"  replied  Dibdin,  half  asleep,  but  could  not  j 
help  punning  :  "  Put  a  peppermint  lozenge  out  of  the  window,  my  ) 
dear ;  it  is  the  best  thing  in  the  world  for  the  wind."  I 


230 


MRS.      PARTINGTONS 


PAUL  PAHTINGTON  NEGLECTED  TO  OFFICE. — ''  Was  Paul  in- 
clined to  politics  ?"  we  asked  of  Mrs.  Partington,  as  we  saw  the 
old  dame  reading  a  "grand  rally"  hand-bill  at  the  corner  of  the 
grocery  store  She  asked  us  to  wait  a  moment  till  she  digested 
her  specs.  "  Inclined  to  politics  !"  said  she,  and  her  eyes  rested 
upon  the  peri  3d  at  the  end  of  the  last  line,  till  she  seemed  to  be 
meditating  a  full  stop.  "  He  was,  but  he  wasn't  a  propergander, 
nor  an  oilygarchist,  or  an  avaritionist,  nor  a  demigod,  as  some  of 
'em  are,  all  he  wanted  was  an  exercise  of  his  sufferings  and  the 
use  of  his  elective  French  eyes  as  he  used  to  say.  Ah,  Heaven 
rest  him  !"  exclaimed  she,  as  her  eyes  rose  from  the  period  at  the 
bottom  of  the  bill  and  rested  on  the  top  of  the  fence.  "  But, did  he 
never  get  an  office,  Mrs.  P  ?"  we  asked.  '•  Yes,"  '-eplied  she,  and 
we  fancied  the  tone  of  her  voice  had  an  expression  of  triumph  in 
it — enough  to  be  perceptible,  like  three  drops  of  paregoric  in  a 
teaspoonful  of  water, — "  Yes,  he  was  put  one  year  for  a  hogreefer 
and  got  neglected."  As  we  were  about  asking  her  opinion  of  the 
new  constitution,  Ike  came  along  whistling  "  Jordan,"  and  swinging 
i  pint  of  milk  in  a  tin  pail,  around  his  head,  and  the  old  lady  forgot 
her  politics  in  her  solicitude  about  Ike's  soiling  his  new  cap. 

A  POSER. — Foote  was  once  met  by  a  friend  in  town,  with  a 
young  man  who  was  flashing  away  very  brilliantly,  while  Foote 
seemed  grave  : — "  Why,  Foote,"  said  his  friend,  "  you  are  flat  to- 
day j  you  don't  seem  to  relish  wit  /"  "  D — n  it,"  said  Foote, 
**  you  have  not  tried  me  yet,  sir." 


TURNING  THE  TABLES. — A  young  lady,  a  native  of  Sydney, 
being  asked  if  she  should  like  to  go  to  Britain:  answered,  that  she 
should  like  to  see  it.  but  not  to  live  in  it.  On  being  pressed  for 
her  reason,  she  replied,  that,  from  the  great  number  of  bad  people 
sent  out  from  thence,  it  must,  surely,  be  a  very  wicked  place  to 
live  in  ! 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


231 


"Loa!     WHAT  A  MOST  ABOMINABLE  GLASS — I  DECLARE  IT  MAKES  ONE 
LOOK  A  PERFECT  FRIGHT!" 


THE  Two  LEGS. — An  inexperienced  young  bride  being  asked  by 
her  cook  to  choose  her  dinners  during  the  honeymoon,  was  anxious 
that  her  ignorance  should  not  peep  out.  She  called  to  mind  one 
dish,  and  one  dish  only,  and  that  she  knew  by  name  ;  it  was  a  safe 
one,  and  substantial  too—"  a  leg  of  mutton."  So,  several  days 
the  leg  of  mutton  came  obedient  to  the  mistress's  order.  Perhaps, 
the  cook  was  weary  of  it ;  at  last  she  ventured  to  inquire,  "  Should 
you  not  like  some  other  thing  to-day,  ma'am  ?"  £:  Yes,  let  us  have 
a  leg  of  beef,  for  change." 


232  MRS.    PARTING-TON'S 


HAVING  A  PERFECT  UNDERSTANDING. — An  English  lady  resident; 
at  Coblentz,  one  day  wishing  to  order  of  her  German  servant  (who 
did  not  understand  English)  a  boiled  fowl  for  dinner,  Grettel  was 
summoned,  and  that  experiment  began.  It  was  one  of  the  lady's 
fancies,  that  the  less  her  words  resembled  her  native  tongue,  the 
more  they  must  be  like  German.  So  her  first  attempt  was  to  tell 
the  maid  that  she  wanted  a  cheeking  or  keeking.  The  maid 
opened  her  eyes  and  mouth,  and  shook  her  head.  "  It's  to  cook," 
said  the  mistress,  "to  cook,  to  put  in  an  iron  thing,  in  a  pit,  pat, 
pot."  "  Ish  understand  risht,"  said  the  maid,  in  Her  Coblentz 
patois.  "  It's  a  thing  to  eat,"  said  her  mistress,  "  for  dinner — for 
deenor — with  sauce,  soace,  sowose.  What  on  earth  am  I  to  do  ?'"' 
exclaimed  the  lady  in  despair,  but  still  made  another  attempt. 
"  It's  a  little  creature — a  bird — a  bard — a  beard — a  hen  —  a  hone — 
a  fowl — a  fool ;  it's  all  covered  with  feathers — fathers — feeders  !'' 
"  Ha.  ha,"  cried  the  delighted  German,  at  last  getting  hold  of  a 
catchword,  a  Ja,  ja  !  fedders — ja  wohl !"  and  away  went  Grettel, 
and  in  half  an  hour  returned,  triumphantly,  with  a  bundle  of 
stationer's  quills. 

CONSULTATION  OF  PHYSICIANS. — A  man  addicted  to  drnking, 
being  extremely  ill  with  a  fever,  a  consultation  was  held  in  his 
bed-chamber,  by  three  physicians,  how  to  "cure  the  fever  and 
abate  the  thirst."  "  Gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  I  will  take  half  the 


trouble  off  your  hands :  you  cure  the  fever,  and  I  will  abate  the 
thirst  myself." 


A  WOMAN  FLATTENED  OUT. — When  Clarke,  the  traveller,  asked, 
in  Sweden,  what  became  of  a  woman  who  fell  into  the  shaft  of  an  j 
iron  mine  that  he  visited,  "  Became  of  her  !"  said  the  man  to  whom 
he  put  the  question,  striking  his  hand  forcibly  upon  his  thigh  j 
u  she  became  a  pancake  !" 
I 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


233 


BECOMING  A  MEDIUM. — The  fascinating  spiritual  rapping  is 
without  a  doubt  gaining  strength  among  us,  and  some  very  ludi- 
crous incidents  often  grow  out  of  it  at  times,  as  well  as  more  seri- 
ous and  deplorable  ones. 

A  few  nights  since,  within  this  week,  a  young  male  friend  of 
ours,  who  from  a  sneering  skeptic  had  become  a  devout  believer, 
retired  to  rest,  after  having  his  nervous  system  partially  destroyed 
by  the  information,  through  the  spirit  of  his  grandfather,  that  he 
would  very  soon  become  a  powerful  medium.  He  was  in  his  first 
comfortable  snooze  when  a  clicking  noise  in  the  direction  of  the 
door  awoke  him.  He  listened  intently ;  the  noise  was  still  going 
on — very  like  the  raps  of  the  spirits  on  the  table,  indeed  ! 

"  Who  is  there  ?" 

There  was  no  answer,  and  the  queer  noise  stopped. 

"  Anybody  there  ?;J 

No  answer. 

"  It  must  have  been  a  spirit,77  he  said  to  himself.     ;<  I  must  be  f 
a  medium.     I'll  try.     (Aloud.)     If  there  is  a  spirit  in  the  room  it 
will  signify  the  same  by  saying   '  aye' — no,   that's   not  what  1 
mean.     If  there  is  a  spirit  in  the  room,  will  it  please  rap  three 
times  ?" 

Three  very  distinct  raps  were  given  in  the  direction  of  the 
bureau. 

"  Is  it  the  spirit  of  my  sister  ?" 

No  answer. 

"  Is  it  the  spirit  of  my  mother  ?" 

Three  taps. 

':  Are  you  happy  ?" 

Nine  taps. 

"  Shall  I  hear  from  you  to  morrow?" 

Raps  very  loud  again  ;  this  time  in  the  direction  of  the  door. 

':  Shall  I  ever  see  you  ?" 

The  laps  then  came  from  the  outside  of  the  door.     He  waited 


234  MRS.    PARTINOTON'S 


long  for  an  answer  to  his  last  question,  but  none  came.  The  spirit 
had  gone  ;  and  after  thinking  on  the  extraordinary  visit,  he  turned 
over  and  fell  asleep. 

On  getting  up  in  the  morning,  he  found  that  the  spirit  of  his 
mother  had  carried  off  his  watch  and  purse,  his  pants  down  stairs 
into  the  hall,  and  his  great  coat  altogether. 


OLD  JESTS. — Persons  who  gloat  over  dust  and  black-letter  need 
scarcely  be  told  that  the  best  of  "modern"  jests  are  almost  literally 
from  the  antique  :  in  short,  that  what  we  employ  to  "  set  the 
table  in  a  roar"  were  employed  by  the  wise  men  of  old  to  enliven 
their  cups,  deep  and  strong  ;  that  to  jest  was  a  part  ?f  the  Platonic 
philosophy ;  and  that  the  excellent  fancies,  the  flashes  of  merri- 
ment, of  our  forefathers,  are  nightly,  nay,  hourly  re-echoed  for  our 
amusement.  Yet  such  is  the  whole  art  of  pleasing :  what  has 
pleased  will,  with  certain  modifications,  continue  to  please  again 
\  and  again,  until  the  end  of  time. 

A  speculative  gentleman,  wishing  to  teach  his  horse  to  do  with- 
out food,  starved  him  to  death.  "  I  had  a  great  loss,"  said  he  • 
11  for,  just  as  he  learned  to  live  without  eating,  he  died." 

A  curious  inquirer,  desirious  to  know  how  he  looked  when 
asleep,  sat  writh  closed  eyes  before  a  mirror. 

A  young  man  told  his  friend  that  he  dreamed  thai  he  had  struck 
his  foot  against  a  sharp  nail.  "  Why  then  do  you  sleep  without 
your  shoes  ?"  was  the  reply. 

A  robustious  countryman  meeting  a  physician,  ran  to  hide  be- 
hind a  wall ;  being  asked  the  cause,  he  replied,  "  It  is  so  long  since 
I  have  been  sick,  that  I  am  ashamed  to  look  a  physician  in  the 
|  face." 

A  gentleman  had  a  cask  of  Aminean  wine,  from  which  his 
j  servant  stole  a  large  quantity.  When  the  master  perceived  the 
(  deficiency,  he  diligently  inspected  the  top  of  the  cask,  but  could 


CARPET-BAG     OF      FUN.  235 


find  no  traces  of  an  opening.  "  Look  if  there  be  not  a  hole  in  the 
bottom,"  said  a  bystander.  "Blockhead!"  he  replied,  "do  you 
not  see  that  the  deficiency  is  at  the  top,  and  not  at  the  bottom  ?" 

A  young  man  meeting  an  acquaintance,  said,  "  I  heard  that  you 
were  d3ad."  "  But,"  says  the  other,  "  you  see  me  alive."  <:  I  do 
not  k  -yvv  how  that  may  be,"  replied  he:  "you  are  a  notorious 
liar  •  but  my  informant  was  a  person  of  credit." 

A  man  hearing  that  a  raven  would  live  two  hundred  years, 
bought  one  to  try. 

A  man  wrote  to  his  friend  in  Greece,  begging  him  to  purchase 
books.  From  negligence  or  avarice,  he  neglected  to  execute  the 
commission  :  but  fearing  that  his  correspondent  might  be  offended, 
he  exclaimed,  when  next  they  met,  "  My  dear  friend,  I  never  got 
the  letter  you  wrote  to  me  about  the  books." 

A  wittol,  a  barber,  and  a  bald-headed  man  travelled  together. 
Loosing  their  way,  they  were  forced  to  sleep  in  the  open  air;  and, 
to  avert  danger,  it  was  agreed  to  keep  watch  by  turns.     The  lot 
first  fell  on  the  barber,  who  for  amusement,  shaved  the  fool's  head 
while  he  slept ;  he  then  woke  him,  and  the  fool,  raising  his  hand  j 
to  scratch  his  head,  exclaimed,  "  Here's  a  pretty  mistake ;  rascal  !  j 
you  have  waked  the  bald-headed  man  instead  of  me." 

A  man  that  had  nearly  been  drowned  while  bathing,  declared 
that  he  would  not  again  go  into  the  water  until  he  had  learned  to 
swim. 

A  fellow  had  to  cross  a  river,  and  entered  a  boat  on  horseback  ; 
being  asked  the  cause,  he  replied,  "  I  must  ride,  because  I  am  in 
a  hurry." 

A  student  in  want  of  money  sold  his  books,  and  wrote  home, 
"  Father,  rejoice,  for  I  now  derive  my  support  from  literature." 

Written  agreements  should  be  drawn  up  as  shortly  as  possible  : 
for  parties  are  sure  to  agree  best  between  whom  there  are  the 
fewest  words. 


236 


.    PARTINGTONS 


AS   WELL    AS    CAN    BE    EXPECTED," 


A  GOOD  WISH. — Sir  Walter  Scott  once  gav/?  an  Irishman  a 
shilling,  when  sixpence  would  have  been  sufficient  "Remember, 
Pat,"  said  Sir  Walter,  "you  owe  me  sixpence/"  "May  your 
honor  live  till  I  pay  you  !"  was  the  reply. 


QUIET  THEFT. — A  saddle  being  missing  at  a  /une^al,  it  was 
observed,  no  wonder  that  nothing  was  heard  of  it,  for  it  is  bf»L:eved 
to  have  been  stolen  by  a  mute. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  237 


SPIRITED  REPLY. — "  Doctor,"  said  a  hard-looking, brandy-faced 
customer,  the  other  day,  to  a  physician — '-Doctor,  I'm  troubled 
with  an  oppression,  an  uneasiness  about  the  breast.  What  do  you 
suppose  the  matter  is?"  "All  very  easily  accounted  for,"  said 
the  physician ;  "  you  have  water  on  the^iest."  "Water  !  Come, 
that'll  do  well  enough  for  a  joke  •  but  how  could  I  get  water  on 
my  chest,  when  I  havn't  touched  a  drop  in  fifteen  years  !  If  you 
had  said  brandy,  you  might  have  hit  it." 

A  REGULAR  CUSTOMER. — A  runaway  couple  were  married  at 
Gretna  Green.  The  smith  demanded  five  guineas  for  his  services. 
"How  is  this?"  said  the  bridegroom,  "the  gentleman  you  last 
married  assured  me  that  he  only  gave  you  a  guinea."  "  True," 
said  the  smith,  "  but  he  was  an  Irishman.  I  have  married  him 
six  times.  He  is  a  customer.  You  I  may  never  see  again." 

NEGRO  FUNERAL. — A  preacher  when  in  the  West  Indies,  one 
day  undertook  to  read-the  burial  service  over  a  Negro,  which  was 
listened  to  with  great  attention.  But  when  the  Doctor  came  to 
the  part  "  Dust  to  dust,  and  ashes  to  ashes,"  the  Negro  who  offici- 
ated as  sexton,  and  was  prepared  with  a  spade  of  earth  for  the 
usual  ceremony,  interrupted  him  with  an  intimation  that  he  had 
neglected  to  order  the  coffin  to  be  put  down  first :  "  Put  him  in  de 
hole  first,  Massa — always  put  him  in  de  hole  first." 

SECOND  THOUGHTS. — A  landlady  who  exhibited  an  inordinate 
love  for  the  vulgar  fluid  gin,  would  order  her  servant  to  get  the 
supplies  after  the  following  fashion :  "  Betty,  go  and  get  a  quartern 
loaf,  and  half  a  quartern  of  gin."  Off  started  Betty.  She  was 
speedily  recalled :  "  Betty  make  it  half  a  quartern  loaf,  and  a 
quartern  of  gin."  But  Betty  had  never  fairly  got  across  the  thresh- 
hold  on  the  mission  ere  the  voice  was  again  heard :  "  Betty,  on  j 
second  thoughts,  you  may  as  well  make  it  all  gin." 

I 


238 


MRS.    PARTING-TON'S 


MILESIAN  ADVICE. — "  Never  be  critical  upon  the  ladies."  was 
the  maxim  of  an  old  Irish  peer,  remarkable  for  his  homage  to  the 
sex ;  "  the  only  way  in  the  world  that  a  true  gentleman  ever  will 
attempt  to  look  at  the  faults  of  a  pretty  woman,  is  to  shut  his  eyes}1 

MERE  AMUSEMENT  FOR  A  DYING  MAN. — A  physician  having 
finished  the  amputation  of  the  leg  of  one  of  his  patients,  a  near 
relative  of  the  fetter  took  him  aside,  and  said  anxiously  to  him  : 
"  Doctor,  do  you  think  your  patient  will  recover  ?" 
"  Recover !  there  has  never  been  the  least  shadow  of  a  hope 
for  him." 

"  Then  what  was  the  use  of  making  him  suffer  ?" 
"  Why,  my  dear  fellow,  you   astonish   me  !     Could  you  say, 
brutally  to  a  sick  man,  "  you  are  dying  !'     He  must  be  amused 
a  little."       . 

PATHRICKTOO  MUCH  FOR  THE  BISHOP. — Bishop  Hedding  speaking 
of  the  muddy  travelling  at  the  West,  mentioned  a  case  of  Irish 
wit.  The  bishop  was  moving  along  in  a  gig,  his  horse  in  a  slow 
walk,  when  an  Irishman  on  foot  overtook  him. 

"Good  morning,"  said  the  Bishop. 

"  Good  morning,  yer  honor,"  replied  Pat. 

"  You  seem  to  have  the  advantage  of  me  in  your  mode  of 
travelling,  my  Mend,"  continued  the  bishop. 

"  An  I'll  swap  with  yer,  if  ye  plaze,  sir,"  was  the  quick  reply. 

The  bishop  thought  he  was  caught  for  that  time,  and  concluded 
not  to  swap  with  Pat. 

GOOD  ADVICE. — A  young  Irishman  (placed  by  his  friends  as 
student  at  a  Veterinary  College)  being  in  company  with  some  of 
his  colleagues,  was  asked,  "  If  a  broken- winded  horse  were  brought 
to  him  for  cure,  what  he  would  advise  ?"  After  considering  for  a 
moment,  "  By  the  powers,"  said  he,  "I  should  advise  the  owner 
to  sell  as  soon  as  possible." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FU-N.  239 

THE  LADY  AND  A  NAKED  SUBJECT. — A  young  lady  called  at  the 
•hop  of  a  cabinet  maker  in  this  village  to  leave  directions  with  him 
about  making  a  table  which  she  had  previously  ordered.  Among 
other  particulars,  she  enjoined  it  upon  him  to  make  the  "  limbs" 
small ;  adding,  after  some  hesitation,  "  You  know  what  I  mean,  1 
suppose  ?" 

With  a  very  vacant  look,  the  Cabinet-maker  replied:  "You 
mean  legs,  don't  you  ?" 

This  disregard  of  the  lady's  modesty  was  altogether  too  much  : 
the  bare  idea  so  suddenly  presented,  almost  overcame  her  ! 

FATTENING  A  QUEEN. — Mr.  Holman,  in  his  "  Voyage  round  the 
World,"  says  : — "  The  favorite  Queen  of  Duke  Ephraim,  of  old 
Calabar,  was  so  large,  that  she  could  scarcely  walk,  or  even  move; 
indeed,  they  were  all  prodigiously  large,  their  beauty  consisting 
more  in  the  mass  of  physique  than  in  the  symmetry  of  face  or 
figure.  This  uniform  tendency  to  embonpoint,  on  an  unusual  scale, 
was  accounted  for  by  the  singular  fact,  that  the  female  on  whom 
his  Majesty  fixes  his  regard  is  regularly  fattened  up  to  a  certain 
standard,  previously  to  the  nuptial  ceremony,  it  appearing  to  be 
essential  to  the  queenly  dignity  that  the  lady  should  be  fat.  We 
saw  a  very  fine  young  woman  undergoing  this  ordeal.  She  was 
sitting  at  a  table  with  a  large  bowl  of  farinaceous  food,  which  she 
was  swallowing  as  fast  as  she  could  pass  the  spoon  to  and  from  the 
bowl  and  her  mouth." 

PICKPOCKETING. — The  Baron  de  Beranger  relates,  that,  having 
secured  a  pickpocket  in  the  very  act  of  irregular  abstraction,  he 
|  took  the  liberty  of  inquiring  whether  there  was  anything  in  his 
face  that  had  procured  him  the  honor  of  being  singled  out  for  such 
an  attempt .  — "  Why,  sir,"  said  the  fel?.ow,  "  your  face  is  well 
enough,  but  you  had  on  thin  shoes  and  white  stockings  in  dirty 
weather,  and  so  1  made  fire  you  were  o.flat.1J 


240  MRS. 

I 

)•     A  NIGGER'S  IDEA  OF  THE  TELEGRAPH. — At  the  railway  depot  in 

Lowell,  not  long  since,  u  Look  a  hea,  Jake,"  said  Sambo,  his  eyes 
dilating,  and  his  rows  of  shining  teeth  protruding  like  a  regiment 
of  pearls,  u  Look  a  hea,  Jake;  what  you  call  dem  ar?"  l'  What 
ar  ?"  rejoined  Jake.  "  Dem  ar  I  is  pint  in  to."  "  Dem  ar  is 
postes,"  said  Jake.  "  What  !"  said  Sambo,  scratching  his  head  ; 
"  dem  are  postes  wid  de  glass  ?"  "  Yes,  de  same  identical,"  re- 
turned Jake.  "  Ah,  but  you  sees  dem  are  horzontal  wires." 
'•'•  Well,"  observed  Jake,  u  de  posts  supports  de  wires."  "  Gosh  ! 
I  takes  you,  nigger,"  ejaculated  Sambo,  clapping  his  sides,  and 
both  setting  up  a  loud  yah  yah.  "  But  what's  de  wires  for  ?"  said 
Sambo,  after  a  pause.  "  De  wires."  replied  Jake,  completely 
staggered  for  a  moment,  and  at  a  nonplus  for  a  reply  to  the  philo- 
sophic curiosity  of  brother  Sambo:  but,  suddenly  lighting  up  with 
more  than  nigger  fire,  he  said  li  De  wires  is  for  to  keep  de  postes  up  /" 

SAILOR  AND  BULL. — As  a  party  of  seamen  were  walking  up 
Point-street,  Portsmouth,  rather  elated  with  li  quor,  a  bull,  which 
had  escaped  from  the  King's  slaughter-house,  came  running  to- 
wards the  jolly  tars,  with  his  tail  erect  in  the  air,  when  all  men 
jumped  out  of  his  way,  except  one,  and  he,  being  an  immense, 
sturdy  fellow,  stood  in  the  street  directly  in  the  way  of  the  bull, 
and  hailed  him  in  the  following  words  :  "  Bull  ahoy  !  bull  ahoy  ! 
I  cry.  Drop  your  peak,  and  put  your  helm  a-starboard,  or  you'll 
run  aboard  of  me."  The  bull  continuing  his  course,  came  in  con- 
tact with  Jack,  and  capsized  him  ;  but  the  sailoi  nowise  intimi- 
dated, sprang  from  the  ground,  and,  shaking  his  clothes,  very  good- 
naturedly  observed  to  the  bull,  "  Oh,  you  lubberly  heast,  I  told 
you  how  it  would  be." 

CONTRADICTORY  CREATURES. — We  all  admire  retiring  Modesty 
in  the  softer  sex  :  and  yet  are  captivated  by  woman's  Cheek. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  241 


A  NIGGER  AT  A  DANCE. — The  happiest  man  in  the  worM  is 

supposed  to  be  <:  a  nigger  at  a  dance."     Iifour  opinion  this  rule  is 

too  limited.     A  "  nigger"  is  not  only  happy  at  a  dance,  but  in 

every  position.     A  darkey  may  be   poor,  but   he  is  never  low 

spirited.     Whatever  he  earns   he   invests   in   fun   and   deviltry. 

Give  him   a  dollar,  and  in   less  than   hour   he  will   lay   seven 

shillings  of  it  out  in  yellow  neck-ties  or  a  cracked  violin.     There  is 

something  in  an  African  that  sheds  trouble  as  a  duck  will  water. 

Who  ever  knew  a  a  cullud  pussun"  to  commit  suicide  ?     The 

negro  is  strongly  given  to  love  and  jealousy;  but  he  has  no  taste 

for  arsenic.     He  may  lose  his  all  by  betting  against  a  roulette,  but, 

he  don't  find  relief  for  his  despair  as  white  folks  do,  by  resorting 

]  to  charcoal  fumes,  or  a  new  bed-cord,  but  by  visiting  "  de  fair 

j  sex."  and  participating  in  the  mazy  influence  of  "  de  occiputal 

'  comvolutions  of  der  clarinett." 


THE  CAPTAIN'S  STORY. — Some  twenty  years  ago,  I  was  coming 
from  Calcutta,  in  a  good  ship  I  then  commanded  ]  I  had  been 
away  from  home  eleven  months,  during  which  time  I  had  heard  no 
news  thence,  either  private  or  public.  Off  Barnegat,  we  fell  in 
with  a  fishing  smack,  having  on  board  a  man  and  a  boy,  father  and 
son.  We  wanted  some  fresh  fish,  and  the  father  coming  on  board, 
we  soon  made  a  bargain  with  him,  receiving  in  exchange  for  a 
real  Indian  bandanna  handkerchief,  a  plentiful  supply. 

"  Well,  skipper,"  said  I,  a  ter  the  barter  was  overy  "  what's  the 
news?" 

He  nodded  his  head  thoughtfully  for  a  moment,  and  said, 
*'  Potatoes  is  twenty-five  cents  a  bushel  !" 

"  Is  it  possible  ?"  I  asked,  "  but  the  news,  what  is  the  news!" 

"  Wai,"  said  he,  "  there  was  a  great  crop  on  'em  last  fall !" 

"  Never  mind  the  potatoes,"  said  I,  "  tell  us  the  news — what's 
going  on  in  the  political  world  ?" 

"  Politikal !"  said  the  fisherman,  standing  silently  for  a  few 


242 


minutes.  "  Political  ?  d'ye  see  that  feller  in  my  boat  yo  ader  ?" 
pointing  to  his  son,  a  mop-headed  fellow  of  eighteen,  '' wal.  captin, 
that  are  chap  made  two  hundred  dollars  last  winter  !" 

There  was  no  use  in  trying  to  make  anything  out  of  him,  so  we 
parted.  Three  or  four  years  after,  on  my  return  from  another 
voyage,  coming  on  the  same  coast,  I  again  met  this  fisherman.  He 
remembered  me,  took  the  identical  bandanna  I  had  given  him. 
•waved  it,  with  a  cheer,  above  his  head,  and  swore  I  should  have 
the  best  and  biggest  fish  he  had.  I  made  another  purchase  of 
him.  and  was  again  anxious  for  the  news. 

"  What's  the  news ?"  I  inquired,  "who's  president ?"— it  was 
just  after  a  general  election. 

Said  the  fisherman,  "  D'ye  recollect  my  boy  that  I  had  in  the 
smack  with  me — the  one  who  made  two  hundred  dollars  ?" 

"Yes,"  said  I. 

"  Wai,"  he  replied,  his  hard  eyes  beaming  watery,  "  the  little  j 
cus  is  dead." 

"  And  that,"  said  the  captain  in  conclusion,  "  is  all  I  ever  got 
out  of  the  fisherman  of  Barnegat." 

NEW  SASS  FOR  DUMPLINGS. — A  Yankee  wishing  for  some  sauce  t 
for  his  dumplings,  forgot  the  name  of  it.  and  said, 

"  Here,  waiter,  fetch  me  some  of  that  gravy  that  you  wallow 
your  dumplins  in  !" 


DEATH  ON  PALE  BRANDT. — "  Yoi  look  like  death  on  a  pale 
horse,"  said  Harry  to  a  toper,  who  was  pale  and  emaciated. 

"  I  don't  know  anything  about  that,"  said  the  toper,  "  but  I  a*n 
death  on  pale  brandy  /" 

WIT  AND  HUMOR  ABROAD. — The  light  literature  of  foreign 
nations  is  not  much  relished  in  this  country :  perhaps,  because  all 
the  jokei  are  far-fetched. 


CARPET-BAG     OF      FUN.  243 


HATS  AND  DIVINITY. — One  day  a  doctor  of  divinity  chanced  into 
a  hat  store  in  this  city,  and,  after  rummaging  over  the  wares, 
selected  an  ordinary  looking  hat,  put  it  on  his  reverend  head, 
ogled  himself  in  the  glass,  then  asked  the  very  lowest  price  of  it, 
telling  the  vendor,  that,  if  he  could  give  it  cheap  enough,  he 
thought  he  might  buy  it.  "  But,"  said  the  hatter,  "  that  hat  is 
not  good  enough  for  you  to  wear — here  is  what  you  want,"  showing 
one  of  his  best  beavers.  "  'Tis  the  best  I  can  afford,  tho',"  returned 
the  theologian.  il  Well,  there,  doctor,  I'll  make  you  a  present  of 
that  best  beaver,  if  you'll  wear  it,  and  tell  your  friends  whose 
store  it  came  from  j  I'll  warrant  you'll  send  me  customers  enough 
|  to  get  my  money  back  with  interest :  you  are  pretty  extensively 
acquainted."  "  Thank  you — thank  you  !"  said  the  doctor,  his  eyes 
gleaming  with  pleasure  at  raising  a  castor  so  cheaply :  "  how  much 
may  this  beaver  be  worth  ?"  "  We  sell  that  kind  for  eight  dollars," 
replied  the  man  of  nap.  "  And  the  other  ?"  continued  the  reverend 
gentleman.  "  Three."  The  man  of  sermons  put  on  the  beaver, 
looked  in  the  glass,  then  at  the  three-dollar  hat.  "  I  think,  sir," 
said  he,  taking  off  the  beaver,  and  holding  it  in  one  hand,  as  he 
donned  the  cheap  "  tile,"  "  I  think,  sir,  that  this  hat  will  answer 
my  pupose  full  as  well  as  the  best."  u  But  you'd  better  take  the 
best  one,  sir,  it  costs  you  no  more."  ."  Bu-t — bu-t,"  replied  the 
parson  hesitatingly,  li  I  didn't  know — but — per-haps — you  would 
as  lief  I  would  take  the  cheap  one,  and  leave  the  other — and  per- 
haps you  would  not  mind  giving  me  the  difference  in  a.  Jive-dollar 


ABERNETHIANA. — Abernethy's  mind  disqualified  him  from  adopt- 
ing that  affected  interest  which  distinguishes  many  of  the  well- 
1  bred  physicians,  and  he  heartily  despised  their  little  arts  to  acquire 
popularity.     He  seemed  to  feel  as  if  he  mentally  expressed  himself 
thus : — "  Here  I  am,  ready  to  give  my  advice  if  you  want  it ;  but 


244  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


you  must  take  it  as  you  find  it,  and  if  you  don't  like  it,  egad  (his 
favorite  word,)  you  may  go  about  your  business — I  don't  want  to 
have  anything  to  do  with  you ;  hold  your  tongue  and  be  off."  In 
some  such  mood  as  this  he  received  a  visit  from  a  lady  one  day 
who  was  well  acquainted  with  his  invincible  repugnance  to  her 
sex's  predominant  disposition,  and  who  therefore  forbore  speaking 
but  simply  in  reply  to  his  laconic  queries.  The  consultation  was 
conducted  during  three  visits  in  the  following  manner: — First 
Day. — Lady  enters  and  holds  out  her  finger.— Abernethy  :  £:  Cut  ?" 
—Lady  :  "  Bite."  A. :  "  Dog  ?"— L  :  "  Parrot."  A. :  "  Go  home 
and  poultice  it."  Second  day. — Finger  held  out  again. — A. : 
"  Better  ?" — L :  "  Worse."  A . :  "  Go  home  and  poultice  it  again." 
Third  Day. — Finger  held  out  as  before.— A. :  "  Better  ?" — L.: 
"  Well."  A. :  "  Vou're  the  most  sensible  worn  an  lever  met  with. 
Good  bye.  Get  out." 

Another  lady,  having  scalded  hei  vrm,  called  at  the  usual  hour 
to  show  it  three,  successive  days,  when  similar  laconic  conversations 
took  place.  First  day — Patient  exposing  the  arm,  says — "  Burnt." 
— A. :  <:  I  see  it,"  and  having  prescribed  a  lotion,  she  departs. 
Second  day — Patient  shows  the  arm,  and  says — "  Better." — A. : 
"  1  know  it."  Third  Day — again  showing  the  arm.  Patient :  j 
"Well,"— A.:  u  Any  fool  can  tell  that.  What  d'ye  come  again 
for  ?  Get  away." 

A  loquacious  lady,  ill  of  a  complaint  of  forty  years'  standing, 
applied  to  him  for  advice,  and  had  begun  to  describe  its  progress 
from  the  first,  when  Mr.  A.  interrupted  her,  saying  he  wanted  to 
go  into  the  next  street,  to  see  a  patient  ;  he  begged  the  lady  to 
inform  him  how  long  it  would  take  her  to  tell  her  story.  The 
answer  was,  twenty  minutes.  He  asked  her  to  proceed,  and  hoped 
she  would  endeavor  to  finish  by  the  time  he  returned. 

The  hand  that  can  make  pie  is  a  continual  feast  tc  the  husband 
that  marries  it. 


IRISH    NATURAL    HISTORY. 

An  Irishman  ruminating  in  his  bliss  upon  the  banks  of  a  South- 
ern creek,  espied  a  terrapin  pluming  himself. 

"  Och  hone  !"  exclaimed  he,  solemnly,  "  that  ever  I  should  come 
to  Ameriky  to  see  a  snuff-box  walk  !" 

"  Whist  !  Pat,"  said  his  wife,  "  don't  be  afther  makin'  fun  of 
the  bird." 

MRS.  PARTINGTON  AND  UNCLE  TOM. — Mrs.  Partington  is  said 
to  have  anxiously  asked  if  Uncle  Torn  is  a  better  man  than  Enoch, 
of  Biblical  memory.  She  grounds  her  reasons  for  making  this 
inquiry,  upon  the  fact  that  she  heard  that  Uncle  Tom  has  been 
translated  seven  times,  while  Enoch  was  translated  but  once. 


246  MRS. 

SNORING. — Old  Hicks  was  an  awful  snorer.  He  could  be  heard 
farther  than  a  blacksmith's  forge;  but  his  wife  became  so  accus- 
tomed to  it  that  it  soothed  her  repose.  They  were  a  very  domestic 
eouple — never  slept  apart  for  many  years.  At  length,  the  old  man 
was  required  to  attend  assizes  at  some  distance.  The  first  night 
after  his  departure,  his  wife  never  slept  a  wink;  she  missed  the 
snoring.  The  second  night  passed  away  in  the  same  manner,  with- 
out  sleep.-  She  was  getting  into  a  very  bad  way,  and  probably 
would  have  died,  had  it  not  been  for  the  ingenuity  of  a  servant-girl. 
She  took  the  coffee-mill  into  her  mistress'  chamber,  and-ground  her 
to  sleep  at  once  ! 


OFF  WITH  HIS  HEAD,  so  MUCH  FOR  GAMMON. — Heggiages,  an 
j  Arab  general,  under  the  Caliph  Valid,  consulted,  in  his  last  illness, 
|  an  astrologer,  who  predicted  to  him  his  approaching  death.     *'  I 
I  rely  so  completely  on  your  knowledge,"  replied  Heggiages  to  him, 
"  that  I  wish  to  have  you  with  me  in  the  other  world ;  and  I  shall, 
therefore,  send  you  thither  before  me,  in  order  that  I  may  be  able 
to  emproy  your  services  from  the  time  of  my  arrival ;"  and  he 
ordered  the  head  of  the  astrologer  to  be  struck  off,  although  the 
time  fixed  by  the  planets  had  not  yet  arrived. 


MRS.  PARTINGTON'S  FIZZIN  ON  SODA. — "  There  it  goes  again  !" 

said  Mrs.  Partington,  as  she  became  conscious  of  the  sublimity  of  a 

soda  fountain  one  warm  day.     "  There  it  goes  again,  I  declare. 

fizzin'  away  like  a  blessed  old  locornoco  on  the  railroad.     Don't 

say  anything  about  Nigary  now — that  isn't  nothin'  in  comparison 

I  to  this — and  it  aint  bad  beer  nuther  ;  but  how  in  natur  they  can 

\  draw  so  many  kinds  out  of  one  fassit,  that's  the  wonderment  to 

j-me  !"  and  she  readjusted  her  specs  and  took  a  new  survey  of  the 

mystery,  while  Ike.  unwatched.  was  weighing  his  knife  and  five 

jackstones  in  the  bright  brass  scale  on  the  other  counter. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


247 


DRY  HUMOR. — An  Irish  post-boy  having  driven  a  gentleman  a 
ion«  stage  during  torrents  of  rain,  the  gentleman  civilly  said  to 
him.  "Paddy,  are  you  not  very  wet?"  "Arrah!  I  don't  care 
about  being  very  wet,  but,  plase  your  honor,  I'm  very  dry." 

FLEAS  AND  ARISTOCRACY. — An  English  lady,  who  lived  in  the 
country,  and  was  about  to  have  a  large  dinner  party,  was  ambitious 
of  making  as  great  a  display  as  her  husband's  establishment,  a 
tolerably  large  one,  could  furnish.  So  that  there  might  seem  to  be 
no  lack  of  servants,  a  great  lad,  who  had  been  employed  only  in 
farm  work,  was  trimmed  and  dressed  for  the  occasion,  and  ordered 
to  take  his  stand  at  the  back  of  his  mistress'  chair,  with  strict  in- 
junctions not  to  stir  from  the  place,  nor  do  anything,  unless  she 
directed  him ;  the  lady  well  knowing,  that,  although  no  footman 
could  make  a  better  appearance  as  a  piece  of  still-life,  some  awk- 
wardness would  be  inevitable  if  he  were  put  in  motion.  Accord- 
ingly, Thomas  having  thus  been  duly  drilled  and  repeatedly 
enjoined,  took  his  post  at  the  head  of  the  table,  behind  his  mistress, 
and  for  a  while  he  .found  sufficient  amusement  in  looking  at  the 
grand  set-out,  and  staring  at  the  guests  ;  when  he  was  weary  of 
this,  and  of  an  inaction  to  which  he  was  so  little  used,  his  eyes 
began  to  pry  about  nearer  objects.  It  was  at  a  time  when  our 
ladies  followed  the  French  fashion  of  having  the  back  and  shoulders 
under  the  name  of  the  neck,  uncovered  much  lower  than  accords 
either  with  the  English  climate,  or  with  old  English  notions ;  a 
time  when,  as  Landor  expresses  it,  the  usurped  dominion  of  neck 
had  extended  from  the  ear  downwards  almost  to  where  mermaids 
become  fish.  This  lady  was  in  the  height,  or  lowness  of  that 
\  fashion ;  and  between  her  shoulder-blades,  in  the  hollow  of  the 
>  back,  not  far  from  the  confines  where  nakedness  and  clothing  met, 
Thomas  espied  what  Pasquier  had  seen  upon  the  neck  of  Made- 
moiselle des  Roches.  The  guests  were  too  much  engaged  with 


248 


the  business  and  the  courtesies  of  the  table  to  see  what  must  have  been 
worth  seeing,  the  transfiguration  produced  in  Thomas-' s  countenance 
by  delight,  when  he  saw  so  fine  an  opportunity  of  showing  himself 
attentive,  and  making  himself  useful.  The  lady  was  too  much 
occupied  with  her  company  to  feel  the  flea ;  but,  to  her  horror,  she 
felt  the  great  finger  and  thumb  of  Thomas  upon  her  back,  and, 
to  her  greater  horror,  heard  him  exclaim  in  exultation,  to  the  still 
greater  amusement  of  the  party,  "  A  vlea  !  a  vlea  !  my  lady. 
Ecod  I've  caught  'en  !" 

GROWTH  OF  FELICITY. — A  poor  gardener,  on  being  asked  what 
felicity  meant,  said  he  did  not  know,  but  he  believed  it  was  a 
bulbous  root ! 

AN  ECSTATIC  LOVER  down  east,  thus  appeals  to  his  tender-hearted 
Dulcinea  for  a  parting  smack :  Terribly  tragical,  and  sublimely 
retributive  will  be  the  course  pursued  by  me,  if  you  do  not  instan- 
taneously place  thine  alabaster  lips  to  mine  and  enrapture  my  im- 
mortal soul  by  imprinting  angelic  sensations  of  divine  bliss  upon 
indispensable  members  of  the  human  physiognomy,  and  then  kindly 
condescend  to  allow  me  to  take  my  departure  from  the  everlasting 
sublimity  of  thy  thrice  glorious  presence  !  Nancy  fainted. 

CONNUBIAL. — "  Mrs.  Dobson,  where's  your  husband  ?"  "  He's 
dying,  marm,  and  I  don't  wish  anybody  to  disturb  him."  Considerate 
woman,  that. 

HINTS  ON  KEEPING  THE  SABBATH. — Some  cats  are  in  the  habit 
of  mewing  when  there  are  birds  in  the  room.  This  may  be 
tolerated  on  the  ordinary  week-days,  but  must  not  be  permitted  on  the 
Sabbath.  If  the  cat  be  placed  in  the  water-butt  on  Saturday  night, 
it  will  be  seldom  found  to  disturb  a  serious  family's  peace  of  mind 
on  the  Sunday. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


249 


Having  placed  your  cat  in  the  water-butt,  do  not  forget  that  the 

(  bird  will  not  be  prevented  by  such  an  incident  from  singing.   This 

must  not  be  suffered,  if  you  wish  to  keep  the  Sabbath  in  a  proper 

spirit.     Place,  therefore,  your  Swedish  Nightingale,  or  Cockney 

chaffinch,  or  whatever  the  bird  you  possess  may  be,  in  the  coal 


cellar 


where  its  singing  will  not  have  the  effect  of  disturbing  your  utten- 
» tion  from  melancholy  subjects.     Some  birds  sing  better  from  being 
I  kept  in  the  dark ;  but  as  long  as  the  bird's  notes  do  not  reach  your 
ears  on  the  Sabbath,  you  may  balance  accounts  with  your  con- 
science in  the  most  satisfactory  manner. 

When  you  have  disposed  of  the  dumb  animals  of  your  estab- 
lishment, attend  to  your  children,  who  must  occupy  the  next  place 
in  the  minds  of  virtuous  Sabbatarians.  It  would  be  a  very  horrible 


11* 


250 


MRS.     PARTINGTON;8 


thing  to  have  a  naughty  toy  in  the  house  on  Sunday — -crimes  being 
more,  especially  crimes  (in  the  proportion  of  about  20.017  to  1,) 
when  perpetrated  on  the  seventh  day.  Thrash  your  son,  then,  on 
Saturday  night :  and  whatever  evil  actions  he  may  perpetrate  the 
next  day,  at  all  events  he  will  have  been  prepared  for  the  worst, 
Any  brother  Sabbatarian  will  be  kind  enough  to  spare  you  a  rod, 
if  you  assure  him  that  your  object  is  to  spoil  your  child. 


Some  Sabbatarians — though  their  numbers  are  certainly  few — 
derive  pleasure  from  looking  at  pictures.  If  you  happen  to  h*ve 
any  in  your  house,  you  must  carefully  turn  their  faces  against  the 
wall  (we  were  alluding,  in  the  first  instance,  to  the  pictures,  and 
our  remarks  will  not  apply  equally  well  to  the  men.)  Remember, 
that  the  sight  of  a  picture  frequently  induces  thought ;  and  the 
Sabbath  is  not  the  day  for  your  mird  to  be  set  working. 


CARFET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


251 


Shut  the  shutters  carefully  on  Saturday  night,  and  do  not  re- 
open them  until  Monday  morning.  It  is  unbecoming  to  have  the 
light  making  a  shine  in  the  house  of  a  religious  man  on  the 
Sabbath. 


Stop  your  clocks  and  watches  at  twelve  on  Saturday  night. 
These  are  sinful  inventions:  and,  if  wound  up  in  the  usual 
manner,  would  pay  no  more  respect  to  one  day  than  to  another. 
Remember,  however,  that  no  hands  were  ever  intended  to  do  work ; 
on  the  Sabbath. 


It  will  not  be  essential  to  lie  in  bed  throughout  the  whole 
Sunday;  but  if  you  get  up,  you  mu&t  not.  under  any  pretext 
ever,  have  the  bed  made.     Of  course  you  will  not  think  of  putting 
your  clothes  on,  even  if  you  rise ;  not,  however,  that  the  spirit  of  j 

5 


252 


MRS.     PARTI NGTONS 


true  religion  woald  prevent  you  from  wfapping  the  blankets  round 
you.  If  any  one  should  presume  to  doubt  the  correctness  of  class- 
ing the  process  of  getting  out  of  bed,  and  putting  one's  clothes  011, 
under  the  head  of  "  labor."  we  can  adduce  the  celebrated  cases  of 
numerous  children,  of  whom  it  is  stated  that  there  is  "  the  greatest 
possible  work"  to  get  them  down  in  time  for  breakfast. 

If  the  shutters  do  not  entirely  exclude  light  from  the  interior  of 
your  house  (which,  if  you  are  a  very  serious  person,  you  will  take 
care  shall  be  the  case)  it  may  be  permitted  to  indulge  in  a  little 
light  reading.  Our  artist  suggests  some  appropr  ate  works. 


Attend  carefully  to  all  the  above  advice,  and,  in  time  we  have 
no  doubt  you  will  come  to  look  like 


THAT  1 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  253 


A  NEW  CURE. — A  negro  had  a  severe  attack  of  rheumatism, 
which  finally  settled  in  his  foot.  He  bathed  it,  and  rubbed  it,  and 
swathed  it,  but  all  to  no  purpose.  Finally  tearing  away  the 
bandages,  he  stuck  it  out.  and  with  a  shake  of  his  fist  over  it, 
exclaimed :  "  Ache  away,  den  ole  feller ;  ache  away.  I  shan't  do 
nuffin  more  fer  yer;  dis  chile  ken  stan'  it  as  long  as  you  ken  ;  so, 
ache  away  !" 


A  HEN  THAT  COULD' NT  LAY. — "  Oh,  doctor,"  said  an  elderly 

lady  recently  to  Dr.  H ,  the  celebrated  bone-setter,  in  describing 

the  effects  of  a  diseased  spine,  "  I  can  neither  lay  nor  set."  "  I 
should  recommendj  then,"  said  the  doctor,  "  the  propriety  of 
roosting  /" 

CUTTING  IT  SHORT. — A  certain  barber  of  our  town,  having 
great  gift  of  gab,  used  to  amuse  his  customers  with  his  long 
yarns,  while  he  went  through  his  functions  on  their  heads  and 
faces.  One  day  an  old  codger  came  in,  took  his  seat,  orders  a 
shave  and  hair  cut.  The  barber  went  to  work  and  began  at  the 
same  time  one  of  his  long  stories,  to  the  no  little  dissatisfaction  of 
3  the  old  gentleman,  who  becoming  irritated  at  the  barber,  said — 
"  Cut  it  short."  "  Yes,  Sir,"  said  the  barber,  continuing  the  yarn, 
until  the  old  gent  again  ordered, — "  cut  it  short,  I  say,  cut  it  short  !" 
"  Yes,  Sir,"  clipping  away,  and  gabbling  the  faster.  u  Cut  it  short, 
cut  it  short,  I  say  !"  says  the  gent.  "  Yes,  Sir,"  says  the  barber, 
going  on  with  his  story.  "Will  you  cut  it  short,  blast  you!" 
bawls  the  old  gent  in  a  rage.  "  Can't,  Sir,"  says  the  barber,  "  for 
if  you  look  in  the  glass,  you'll  see  I've  cut  it  all  off." 


ROMANTIC  TRUTH. — A  young  poet  out  west,  in  describing  heaven, 
says  il  it's  a  world  of  bliss,  fenced  in  with  girls."  Where's  the 
man  that  won't  repent  now  ? 


254 


MRS.      PARTINGTON8 


THREE  SEVENTEENS. — We  heard  a  good  story  the  other  day,  of 
an  ancient  joker  (now  dead)  who  is  the  father  of  a  great  broud  of 
fast  boys. 

The  old  gentleman  was  rather  a  strict  governor,   though  when 
outside  he  would  occasionally   "  let  up,"  drink,  tall  house,  and  go 
in  for  chances.      The  boys  knew  this — boys  generally  do  :  and 
while  they  respected  the  "  governor,'-'  on  account  of  his  age,  they 
positively  objected  to  his  propensities  for  humbug.     One  Sunday 
the  governor  was  reading  the  Bible,  when  Ez  the  oldest  boy,  pro-  j 
cured  a  set  of  dice,  and  having  spotted  all  the  low  sides,  so  that  he 
could  not  get  less  than  fifteen,  commenced  throwing  them  on  a 
chair.     The  governor  came  to  a  hard  word,  looked  up  and  saw  I 
the  game.     Then  came  the  following  conversation. 

Governor:  Ez,  you  boy — Ezeriah!  Do  you  know  what  day 
it  is? 

Ez  :  Yes,  fifteen— Sunday.     Seventeen 

Governor  :  Well,  then  you  go  and  put  them  things  away ;  throw 
them  in  the  stove  :  no.  put  them  on  the  shelf.  Get  a  book,  sit 
down  and  read. 

Ez.  put  the  "  bones"  in  his  pocket,  and  got  a  book  :  but,  some- 
how or  other,  out  came  the  dice  again. 

Ez  :  Seventeen  !  seventeen  !  !  seventeen  !  !  ! 

\  Governor  :  (Springing  from  his  chair,  and  allowing  the  Bible  to 
drop  on  the  floor.)  What  !  not  three  seventeens  !  Good  Gracious, 
them  would  have  won  the  hoss  last  night. 

"  ATTACKING  HIS  REAR." — li  Old  age  is  coming  upon  me  rapidly," 
as  the  urchin  said  when  he  was  stealing  apples  from  an  old  man's 
garden,  aud  saw  the  owner  coming,  cowhide  in  hand. 

THE  S-SENTIALS. — The  essentials  of  a  watering  place  may  be 
literally  summed  up  thus  :  sea,  salt,  sand,  shrimps,  shells,  steamers, 
ships,  and  sailors. 


snips 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


255 


AINTING     AND     POETRY. A 

lad  stood  on  a  ladder 
tall,  a-painting  of  a  sign 
— a  new.  short  sign; 
and  Lang  Syne  Auld  he 
whistled  j  the  sun  did 
shine.  And  tune  or  sun 
moved  snow  on  roof, 
unused  to  melting  mood : 
it  slid,  and  peeped  o'er 
eaves  above,  eaves-drop- 
ping where  he  stood .  He, 
gazing  down  on  a  miss 
beneath,  dreaming  not 
mischance  was  near,  but 
held  his  bucket  in  his 
hand,  and  brushed  a 
silent  T.  R.  He  was  a 
painter's  'prentice  boy,  I 
need  not  paint  his  name ; 
He  came  from  high  de- 
scent indeed,  but  now  'tis  all  the  same.  But.  ah  !  the  snow,  too 
soon  it  fell,  as  if  with  fell  design  :  he  kicked  the  bucket — down  he 
dropped — he  died  and  made  no  sign  ! 


A  HARD  CASE. — "  Sammy;  my  boy,  what  are  you  crying  for  !" 
"  Bill  hove  the  Bible  at  me,  and  hit  me  on  my  head." 
"  Well,  you  are  the  first  person  in  my  family  on  whom  the  Bible 
ever  made  the  least  impression." 


DON'T  BELIEVE  IT. — It  is  said  that  the  difference  between  eating 
j  strawberries  and  kissing  a  pretty  girl,  is  so  small  that  it  cannot  be 
•  appreciated. 


256 


MRS.     PARTINGTON    8 


DEFINING  HIS  POSITION. — "Get  up;  get  up,"  said  a  watchman 
the  other  night  to  a  chap  who  had  fallen  a  grade  below  the  door- 
step sleepers,  and  who  had  taken  lodgment  in  the  gutter.  "  You 
must  not  lie  here." 

"  Lie  !  you're  another  !  y-you  lie  yourself !  not  lie  here !  I 
tell  you  wh-what,  old  fellow,  that  may  do  to  t-t-ell  in  them  slave 
States,  but  I'll  let  you  know,"  said  the  agrarian,  sputtering  a 
mouthful  of  mud  into  the  watchman's  face,  "  that  this  is  free  sile  /" 

CLASSICAL  NAMES. — "  Cesar  !  go  catch  my  big  horse  there." 
"  Yes,  sar  ?     What  you  call  he  name,  sir  ?" 
"Olympus,  don't  you  know  what  the  poet  says  about  'high 
Olympus  ?'  " 

1 1  don't  know  about  Hio  ;  but  he  limpus  nuf,  dat's  for  certain." 

TRUE  SATING. — The  saying  that  "  there  is  more  pleasure  in 
giving  than  receiving,"  is  supposed  chiefly  to  relate  to  medicine, 
kicks,  and  advice. 

A  TEN  STRIKE. — A  good  story  is  told  of  a  Yankee  who  went 
for  the  first  time  to  a  bowling  alley,  and  kept  firing  away  at  the 
pins  to  the  imminent  peril  of  the  boy  who,  so  far  from  having  any- 
thing to  do  in  "  setting  up"  the  pins,  was  actively  at  work  in  en- 
deavoring to  avoid  the  ball  of  the  player,  which  rattled  on  all  sides 
of  the  pins  without  touching  them.  At  length  the  fellow  seeing 
the  predicament  the  boy  was  in,  yelled  out,  as  he  let  drive  another 
ball,  Cv  stand  in  amongst  the  pins,  if  ye  don't  want  to  get  hit." 

INFORMATION  WANTED. — One  little  "  garden  patch"  of  ours  has 
been  profitable,  very — this  season.  The  bugs  ate  up  the  cucum- 
bers, and  ti,b  ch.Ckt-ns  ate  up  the  bugs,  the  neighbors'  cats  ate  up 
me  chickens — awct  we  are  now  in  search  of  something  that  will 
eat  the  cats.  Can  any  of  our  agricultural  friends  aid  us  ? 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN  257 


A  STRIKING  ILLUSTRATION. — Many  years  ago  an  "  assault  and 
battery"  case  came  up  before  a  magistrate  in   western  Ohio,  in 
which  a  lawyer  named  Ellis  was  the  defendant's  counsellor,  and 
(  Elder  Gilruth,  a  Methodist  preacher,  was  the  plaintiff's  most  im- 
portant witness. 

"  Did  I  understand  you  to  state,  Mr.  Gilruth,  that  you  saw  the 
defendant  strike  the  plaintiff?" 

"I  know  not  what  you  may  have  understood,"  replied  the 
witness,  "  but  if  my  eyes  serve  me  properly,  I  certainly  did 
witness  a  manoeuvre  that  would  warrant  that  description." 

"  Ah,  you  saw  him  strike,  then,;  will  you  please  inform  the 
5  court  how  hard  a  blow  was  inflicted  ?" 

The  witness  looked  at  the  counsel  and  seemed  hesitating.  The 
complacent  pettifogger  insisted  upon  a  statement. 

"  As  nearly  as  I  can  remember,"  replied  the  witness,  "  the  blow 
was  sufficient  to  knock  the  plaintiff  down  !" 

"  That  is  not  an  explicit  answer,"  said  the  counsel,  somewhat 
nonplussed  by  the  preacher's  coolness.  "  I  wish  you  to  explain 
to  the  court,  how  hard  a  blow  was  inflicted  by  the  defendant  upon 
the  person  of  the  plaintiff  as  set  forth  in  the  indictment." 

"Shall  I  answer  the  gentleman's  question?"  said  Gilruth,  turn- 
ing to  the  magistrate. 

"  As  you  please,"  replied  the  justice. 

"  You  wish  me  to  give  a  satisfactory  demonstration  of  the 
velocity  of  the  blow,  which  brought  the  plaintiff  to  the  ground  ?" 

"I  do,"  said  Ellis. 

"  Well,  then."  continued  Gilruth,  advancing  a  few  steps  toward 
the  counsel,  "  as  nearly  as  my  judgment  serves  me,  the  blow  was 
about  equal  to  that  /"  at  the  same  instant  planting  his  enormous 
handful  of  bones  directly  between  the  lawyer's  eyes,  smashing  his  i 
spectacles,  and  prostrating  the  "  unlucky  limb  of  the  law"  upon 
the  tioor. 


<    258  MRS. 


LOVE. — A  sweet  contagion,  which  attacks  people  with  great 
severity  between  eighteen  and  twenty-two.  Its  promonitory 
symptoms  are  sighs,  ruffle-shirts,  ringlets,  bear's  grease,  and 
whiskers.  It  feeds  on  moonlight  and  flutes,  and  looks  with  horror 
on  '  biled  pork'  or  baked  beans. 


IRISH  FLAVOR. — Alemonless  Irishman  was  observed  one  evening 
slicing  a  potato  into  his  hot  whiskey  toddy. 

"  Why,  what  are  you  about  ?"  inquired  Charley. 

"  It's  a  punch  I'm  making,'  dear,"  quietly  replied  Pat. 

"  But  what  are  you  slicing  that  in  for  ?" 

"  To  give  it  a  flavor  !" 

"  What !  a  potato  flavor  V' 

"  Sure,  and  isn't  a  flavor  a  flavor,  whether  it's  a  lemon  or  pitaty  ?" 

A  COMICAL  MISTAKE. — A  good  story  is  told  of  a  verdant  daughter 
of  Erin,  a  servant  in  one  of  our  city  families.  The  first  day  she 
made  her  appearance  in  the  kitchen  the  lady  of  the  house  was 
present  to  initiate  the  unsophisticated  daughter  of  Erin  in  the 
mystery  of  cooking.  In  preparing  foi  dinner,  she  desired  the  girl 
to  bring  her  a  "  spider." 

"  The  what,  ma'am  ?"  inquired  Biddy,  with  great  astonishment. 

"  Why,  the  spider,"  replied  the  lady  of  the  house. 

"  The  spidher,  is  it  ?  Och  !  howly  Moses  !  and  do  ye  ate  spidhers 
in  this  country  ?" 

A  KNEEDLESS  JOKE. — A  man  in  getting  out  of  an  omnibus  a 

few  days  ago,  made  use  of  the  two  rows  of  knees  as  bannisters  to 

j  steady  himself,  at  which  the  ladies  took  offence,  and  one  of  them 

*  said  aloud.  "  A  perfect  savage  /"     "  True,"  said  a  wag  inside,  "  he 

j  belongs  to  the  Paw-nee  tribe." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


259 


CHINESE  WAR  SONG. 

March,  brave  Chinese  ! — twingle  twangle — 
To  victory,  or,  winki  dinki,  to  your  graves. 

Chick-chock — Kuf- Fee's  sold  his  mangle  : 
Chinamen  never  will  be  slaves  ! 

Ching-a-ring  a  chopstick — crinkum  crankum ! 

Mourir  pour  la  patrie — hongs  and  gongs ! 
Death  to  the  tyrants — winkum  wankum ! 

Twang  twiddle,  victory,  and  ding  dongs  ! 


PROVOKING. — To  dream  you  are  hugging  an  angel,  and  wake  up 
with  the  bolster  in  your  arms. 


MRS.     PARTINGTON8 


PERFECT  LIKENESS. — "What's  the  matter,  my 
dear  ?"  said  a  wife  to  her  husband,  who  had  sat 
half  an  hour  with  his  face  buried  in  his  hands, 
and  apparently  in  great  tribulation.  ll  O,  I 
don't  know,"  said  he,  "  I've  felt  like  a  fool  all 
day."  "  Well,"  returned  the  wife,  consolingly, 
"  I'm  afraid  you'll  never  feel  any  better ;  you 
look  the  very  picture  of  what  you  feel." 

A  MODEL  CLERK. — A  beautiful  girl  was  out  shopping  a  few 
days  since,  and  entered  a  store,  where  she  found  a  fresh  looking, 
rosy  cheeked,  young  clerk  ;  and  stepping  up  to  the  place  where  he 
was  located,  asked  if  he  had  any  nice  silk  hose. 

'•  Certainly,  Miss,"  replied  he,  and  forthwith  the  counter  was 
strewn  with  the  delicate  articles. 

"  How  high  do  they  come  ?"  asked  the  young  Miss,  in  a  very 
low  tone  of  voice. 

The  modest  clerk  looked  at  his  customer,  blushed,  turned  all 
sorts  of  colors,  but  did  not  answer  the  question.  She  gave  him  a 
surprised  look,  and  repeated  it : 

l-  How  high  do  they  come  ?" 

Again  the  clerk  blushed  at  such  an  immodest  question:  but 
managed  to  stammer  out : 

"  Really,  Miss — that  is  to  say — I  don't  know — I  think — but  I 
am  not  positive — my  impression  is  that  they  come  just  above  the 
knee  !" 

CAN'T  AFFORD  MORE. — "  So,  here  T  am,  between  two  tailors," 
said  a  fop  at  a  public  table,  where  a  couple  of  young  tailors  were 
seated,  who  had  just  begun  business  for  themselves. 

"  True."  was  the  reply,  "  we  are  new  beginners,  and  can  only 
afford  to  keep  one  goose  between  us." 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


261  ; 


LOVE  ONE  ANOTHER. — A  Welsh  parson  preaching  from  this 
text,  "  Love  one  another."  told  h's  congregation  that  in  kind  and 
respectful  treatment  to  our  fellow  creatures,  we  were  inferior  to 
the  brute  creation.  As  an  illustration  of  the  truth  of  his  remark, 
he  quoted  an  instance  of  two  goats  in  his  own  parish  that  once 
met  upon  a  bridge  so  very  narrow,  that  they  could  not  pass  by 
without  one  thrusting  the  other  off  into  the  river  ;  and,  continued 
he,  "  how  do  you  think  they  acted  ?  why,  I  will  tell  you — one 
goat  laid  himself  down  and  let  the  other  leap  over  him — Ah,  be- 
loved, let  us  live  like  goats." 


so,  till  I 


N  IRISHMAN'S  ANSWER. — A  lawyer  built  him  an  j 
office  in  the  form  of  a  hexagon,  or  six  square. 
The  novelty  of  the  structure  attracted  the  atten- 
tion of  some  Irishmen  who  were  passing  by ;  they 
made  a  full  stop  and  viewed  the  building  very 
critically.  The  lawyer,  somewhat  disgusted  at 
their  curiosity,  lifted  up  the  window,  put  his 
head  out  and  addressed  them  : 

"  What  do  you  stand  there  for  like  a  pack  of 
blockheads,  gazing  at  my  office— do  you  take  it 
for  a  church  ?" 

"  Faix,"  answered  one  of  them,  "  I  was  thinkin' 
saw  the  divil  poke  his  head  out  of  the  windy." 


WOMAN'S  RIGHTS. — Some  western  villain  has  concocted  the  fol- 
lowing conundrum  : — Why  are  certain  ladies  of  the  present  day 
like  the  "forlorn  hope"  of  a  beseiging  army?  Because  they  are 
about  to  throw  themselves  into  the  breeches. 

MERCANTILE  MARINE. — Captains  of  merchant-ships  will  never 
be  well  informed  even  if  they  becoirie  readers,  so  long  as  they  are 
skippers. 


262  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


A  SMACKING  ARTICLE. — If  girls  will  kiss,  let  them,  perform  the 
ceremony  as  if  they  loved  it.  Don't  let  them  sneak  about  the 
thing  as  if  they  were  purloining  cheese,  nor  drop  their  heads, 
u  like  lilies  o'erspread  with  rain.1'  On  the  contrary,  they  should 
do  it  with  an  appetite,  and  when  they  let  go,  give  rise  to  a  report ; 
that  will  make  the  old  folks  think  somebody  is  firing  a  pistol  about 
the  house. 


RED-DY  WIT. — An  Indian  complained  to  a  rumseller  that  the 
price  of  his  liquor  was  too  high.  The  latter  in  justification  said 
that  it  cost  as  much  to  keep  a  hogshead  of  brandy  as  to  keep  a  cow. 
"  May  be  he  drink  as  much  water,"  replied  the  Indian,  "  but  he  no 
eat  so  much  hay." 

JUST  ARRIVED. — A  countryman  was  standing  on  one  of  the 
wharves  the  other  day,  watching  the  progress  of  hoisting  an 
anchor  of  a  ship  which  was  getting  under  weigh,  and  as  he  saw 
the  huge  iron  rise  from  the  water  to  the  "  Yo.  heave  O"  of  the 
sailors,  he  remarked  :  "You  may  heave  high  and  heave  low,  but 
you  will  never  get  that  great  crooked  thing  through  that  little  hole  ! 
I  know  better." 

MRS.  PARTINGTON'S  MARRIAGE. — "  I  never  knowed  anything 
gained  on  being  in  too  much  of  a  hurry,"  said  Mrs.  Partington. 
"  When  me  and  my  dear  Paul  was  married,  he  was  in  such  a 
terpidation  that  he  came  near  marrying  one  of  the  bridesmaids 
instead  of  me,  by  mistake.  He  was  such  a  queer  man !"  she 
continued  ;  "  why  he  joined  the  fire  department;  and  one  night  in 
his  hurry  he  put  his  boots  on  hind  part  afore,  and  as  he  ran  along 
everybody  behind  him  got  tipped  up.  The  papers  was  full  of 
crowner's  quests  on  broken  "limbs  for  a  week  arterwards" — and 
she  relapsed  into  an  abstraction  on  the  ups  and  downs  of  Life. 


ARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  263 


A  DEVIL  OF  A  MISTAKE. — A  good  story  is  told  of  an  old  gentle- 
man in  a  Southern  State,  who,  being  very  ill,  and  supposing  that 
his  end  was  approaching,  gave  direction  that  an  old  slave,  who 
had  been  very  faithful  to  him,  should  be  called  into*  his  room. 
Sam  made  his  appearance,  and  with  a  joyful  face  drew  near  his 
master,  expecting  that  he  was  about  to  announce  to  him  his  purpose 
of  leaving  him  tree. 

"  You  know,"  said  the  master,  "you  have  been  a  faithful  ser- 
vant to  me,  Sam." 

"  Yes,  massa,"  he  replied. 

Poor  Sam  expected  the  next  sentence  to  contain  his  freedom. 
But  said  the  massa  kindly  : 

"  You  know,  Sam,  I  always  treated  you  kindly.'7 

"  Yes.  massa,  you  did." 

Sam  was  now  all  anxiety  to  hear,  and  looked  gratefully  into  the 
face  of  his  dying  master,  and  waited  to  hear  the  charming  word 
"  Freedom  !"  But  what  was  Sam's  disappointment  when  his 
master  said  : 

"  In  consideration  of  your  long  and  faithful  service,  I  have  direct- 
ed in  my  Will  that  when  you  die  you  shall  be  buried  by  my  side." 

After  a  long  pause,  Sam  replied, 

"  Me  no  like  it  indeed,  massa,  for  some  dark  night  Debel  come, 
look  for  massa,  and  make  mistake,  and  take  poor  Sam." 


SPEAKING  HIS  MIND.  —  A  pedagogue  threatened  to  punish  a  pupil  ^ 
who  had  called  him  a  fool  behind  his  back.  | 

"  Don't,  don't  !"  begged  the  boy.     "I  won't  do  so  again,  never  ! 
I  never  will  speak  what  I  think  again  in  my  life  !" 


DADDY'S  CROSS.  —  "  What's  that  ?"   asked  a  schoolmaster  point- 
ing to  the  letter  X.     "  It's  daddy's  name."     "  No.  you  blockhead,  j 
it's  X."     "  'Taint  X  neither,   it's  daddy's  name,   for  I  seed  him  j 
write  it  many  a  time." 


264 


MRS.     PARTINGTON    8 


HE   SONG   OF   THE    CHINESE   LADY. 

Ohc  o  metoth  etc  asho  pwit  hme. 

^ndb  uya  po  undo  fthe  be  st. 
Twi  llpr  oveam  ostex  celle 
ntt  ea. 

Itsq  ua  lit  yal  Iwil  lla  tte  st. 

Tiso  nlyf  oursh  illi  ngsapo  und. 
Soc  omet  othet  eama   rtan 

dtry. 
Nob    etterc    anel   sewh    ereb 

efou  nd. 
Ohs  ayth  eny  ou'rer  eadyto 
buy. 

RUM  vs  SLEIGHING. — On  a  wintry  night,  a  few  years  since,  I 
was  riding  through  the  little  town  of  Lowell,  Maine.  My  route 
lay  along  upon  a  high  ridge  of  land  between  the  Cold  Stream  Pond 
and  the  Passadumkeag  stream.  The  large  full  moon  was  just 
rising  in  the  horizon,  looking  larger  than  ever.  The  sleighing 
was  excellent,  and  my  horse,  as  if  charmed  by  the  scene,  was  trot- 
ting off  at  a  brisk  rate,  when  from  some  cause  he  suddenly  stopped. 
On  looking  for  it,  I  discovered  a  horse  and  sleigh,  driverless.  In 
the  sleigh  was  a  mysterious  looking  keg,  sole  master  of  the  premises, 
and  upon  looking  for  the  driver,  I  found  that  individual  by  tho 
road  side — the  keg  was  evidently  master  of  him  as  of  the  sleigh. 
He  was  muttering  something  to  himself  about  a  ll  thundering  cold 
fire,"  and  blaming  an  imaginary  John  for  not  "  putting  on  more } 
wood  !'?  Coming  nearer  to  him,  I  found  that  he  was  sitting  upon 
the  snow,  his  feet  through  the  fence,  warming  them  at  the  moon  ! 

No  DOUBT  or  IT. — And  old  maid  was  once  asked  to  subscribe 
for  a  newspaper.     She  answered  no — she  always  made  her  own  news. 


C  A  It  P  E  T  •  D  A  G     OF     F  V  N  . 


265 


FAMILY  DIGNITY. — A  farmer  was  elected  to  a  corporalsbip  in  a 
militia  company,  and  returned  from  training  full  of  rum  and  glory. 
His  wife,  after  discoursing  with  him  for  some  time  on  the  advantage 


266  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


which  the  family  would  derive  from  his  exaltation,  inquired  in  a 
doubting  tone : 

"  Husband,  will  it  be  proper  for  us  to  let  our  children  play  with 
the  neighbor's  now  ?" 

"  Certainly,  my  dear,  we  must  not  be  proud  if  we  are  exalted.7' 

One  of  the  little  urchins  eagerly  asked,  "  Are  we  not  all  corpo- 
rals ?" 

"  Tut,"  said  the  mother,  "  hold  your  tongue ;  there  is  no  one 
corporal,  but  ynur  father  and  myself.'7 


DYING  PEACEFULLY. — "  My  dear  Mrs.  Jones,"  said  Mrs.  Brown, 
"  come  near  to  my  bed  side,  I'm  dying,  and  wish  to  say  a  few 
words  to  you." 

"  Yes,  marm,"  sighed  Mrs.  Tones. 

"  Well,  Mrs.  Jones,"  ejaculated  Mrs.  B.,  "  you  and  I  have  had 
a  good  many  tiffs  in  our  day,  and  I  would  now  part  with  you  in 
peace.  Can  you  forgive  me  ?" 

"  Yes,  marm,"  sobbed  Mrs.  Jones,  >l  indeed,  1  can !" 

:c  Am  I  forgiven  ?"  ejaculated  Mrs.  Brown. 

"  Yes,  marm,"  responded  Mrs.  Jones,  with  difficulty,  in  conse- 1 
I  quence  of  the  intensity  of  her  anguish,  and  then  she  attempted  to 
j  weep  her  way  out  of  the  dying  woman's  room. 

"  Stop  a  moment,  my  dear  Mrs.  Jones,"  said  the  expiring  Mrs. 
Brown,  "  I've  another  word  to  say.     1  wish  to  have  it  understood 
that  if  I  get  well,  everything  goes  back,  and  we  stand  on  the  same  j 
old  ground  !" 


A  FALSE  ALLIGATOR. — At  a  late  trial,  somewhere  in  Vermont, 
the  defendant,  who  was  not  familiar  with  the  multitude  of  words 
which  the  law  employs  to  make  a  very  trifling  charge,  after  listen- 
ing a  while  to  the  reading  of  the  indictment,  jumped  up  and  said  : 
"Them  'ere  allegations  is  false,  and  that  'ere  alligator  knows  it !"  ' 

I 


CARPET-BAG     OF     PUN.  267 


KNEW  ALL  ABOUT  IT. — A  little  boy,  nine  or  ten  years  of  age, 
wa.<;  called  as  a  witness  at  a  late  trial  at  Cambridge.  After  the 
oath  was  administered,  the  Chief  Justice,  with  a  view  of  ascertain- 
ing whether  the  boy  was  sensible  of  the  nature  and  importance  of 
an  oath,  addressed  him,  "  Little  boy,  do  you  know  what  you  have 
been  doing  ?" — "  Yes,  sir,"  the  boy  replied,  "  I  have  been  keeping  \ 
pigs  for  Mr.  Buynard." 

A  Kiss  IN  THE  DARK. — The  editor  of  the  Cincinnati  Nonpareil 
recently  had  occasion  to  pay  a  visit  to  Dayton  in  the  cars.  He 
says  he  noticed  a  gentleman  and  a  lady  seated  in  close  juxtaposition, 
and  judging  from  their  conduct,  one  could  well  imagine  that  they 
were  exceedingly  intimate.  In  front  of  the  comfortable  pair  sat 
two  gentlemen,  editors  of  the  two  German  papers  in  this  city. 
When  near  Dayton,  the  train  passed  through  a  long  dark  bridge. 
Amidst  the  thundering  and  rattling  of  the  cars,  a  very  suspicious 
concussion  was  heard  by  those  nearest  the  lady  and  gentleman  alluded 
to.  As  we  emerged  into  the  daylight,  one  of  the  German  editors 
slowly  drew  his  spectacles  down  over  his  nose  and  exclaimed — 

"  Veil,  I  tinks  dat  ish  a  tarn  bad  bridge.  /  hears  him  crack  one, 
fico,  tree,  four  times  /" 

The  lady  drew  down  her  veil,  and  for  the  remainder  of  the 
trip  the  pair  looked  mute  and  quiet. 

No  DIFFERENCE. — The  following  advertisement  was  posted 
up  in  a  tavern  in  Newbern,  while  ths  Legislature  was  in  session 
at  that  place. 

"  Look  here  !  The  following  rules  of  order  will  hereafter  be 
observed  in  this  hotel :  Members  of  the  Assembly  will  go  to  the 
table  first,  and  the  gentleman  aiterwards." 

"  Note  Bena,  rowdies  and  blackguards  will  please  not  mix  with 
|  the  members,  as  it  is  hard  to  tell  one  from  the  other." 


268 


MRS.     PARTINOTON    8 


SERENADING  A  SENTIMENTAL  YOUNG  LADY. — In  my  young  days, 
I  was  extravagantly  fond  of  attending  parties,  and  was  somewhat 
celebrated  for  playing  the  flute  ;  hence  it  was  generally  expected, 
when  an  invitation  was  extended,  that  my  flute  would  accompany 
me.  I  visited  a  splendid  party  one  evening,  and  was  called  upon 
to  favor  the  company  with  a  tune  on  the  flute.  I,  of  course,  imme- 
diately complied  with  the  request.  The  company  appeared  to  be 
delighted,  but  more  particularly  so,  was  a  beautiful  young  lady, 
who  raised  her  hands  and  exclaimed  that  it  was  beautiful,  delight- 
ful, &c.  t,  of  course,  was  highly  flattered,  and  immediately  formed 
a  resolution  to  serenade  the  young  lady  on  the  following  night. 
Previous  to  leaving  the  party,  I  made  inquiry  respecting  her  resi- 
dence. I  started  the  next  night,  in  company  with  several  young 
friends,  and  arrived,  as  I  supposed,  at  the  lady's  residence,  but 
made  a  most  glorious  mistake,  by  getting  under  the  window  of  an 
old  Quaker.  "  Now,  boys,"  said  I,  "  behold  the  sentimentality  of 
this  young  lady  the  moment  I  strike  up  The  Last  Rose  of  Summer." 
I  struck  up,  but  the  window  remained  closed.  The  boys  smiled. — 
"  Oh,"  said  I,  "  that  is  nothing  j  it  would  not  be  in  good  taste  to 
raise  the  window  on  the  first  air."  I  next  struck  up  on  Old  Rob- 
bin  Gray.  Still  the  window  remained  closed.  The  boys  snickered, 
and  I  felt  somewhat  flat.  "  Once  more,  boys,"  said  I ;  "  and  she 
must  come."  I  struck  up  again — My  Love  is  like  the  Red,  Red 
Rose.  Still  there  was  no  demonstration.  "Boys,"  said  1  ;  <;  she's 
a  humbug.  Let  us  sing  Home,  Sweet  Home,  and  if  that  don't 
bring  her,  we  will  give  her  up."  We  struck  up,  and  as  we  finished 
the  last  line,  the  window  was  raised.  t:  That's  the  ticket,  boys," 
said  I;  "  I  knew  we  would  fetch  her."  But  instead  of  the  beauti- 
ful young  lady,  it  turned  out  to  be  the  old  Quaker  in  his  nightcap 
and  dressing-gown.  "  Friend,"  said  he,  "  thee  was  singing  of  thy 
home — I  think  thee  said  thy  sweet  home — and  if  I  recollect  right, 
thee  said  there  was  no  place  like  home ;  now,  if  there  is  no  place 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUX. 


2G9 


like  home,  why  don't  thcc  go  to  thy  home  ?  Thee  is  not  wanted 
here — thee;  nor  none  of  thy  party.  Farewell."  We  and  our  hata 
went  home  ! 

DOG  CHEAP. — While  looking  out  of  our  sanctum  window  last 
evening,  at  the  busy  throng  crowding  about  the  "  Carding  Sass," 
as  the  Yankees  say,  an  old  joke  which  a  Frenchman  once  told  us, 
forced  itself  upon  our  memory. 

u  Ah,  Monsieur."  said  he,  "  de  Yankee  is  a  curious  man.  Ven 
I  rorne  to  dis  countrie.  ma  foi,  I  take  my  basket,  and  I  go  to  the 
marquet.  I  see  some  fine  pomme  de  terre  :  Veil  how  you  sell 
dis  ?" 

"  Twenty  cents  a  pack — Dog-sheep,"  say  de  old  woman. 

"  Den  I  see  some  of  de  vat  you  call  Grass-sparrow  :  Veil,  how 
you  sell  dis  ?" 

'•'  Three  cent  a  bunch — Dog-sheep." 

And  so,  mon  ami,  every  sing  was  dog-sheep.  At  last  I  went  to 
ze  butchaire,  vere  I  see  beautiful  sausage.  "  Ha,  my  friend,"  said 
I,  "is  dis  dog — dog — dog — "  but  before  I  could  recollect  ze  sheep, 
de  butchaire  charge  on  me  vis  beef  shin,  and  I  was  vera  glad  to 
make  my  escape  vis  a  whole  head  !  Begar  since  den  I  buy  nosing 
dat  is  dog-sheep  1 


A  BACHELORS'  SONG. 
wish  I  had  a  little  wife, 

A  little  stove  and  fire, 
I'd  hug  her  like  a  lump  of  gold, 

And  let  no  one  come  nigh  her; 
I'd  spend  my  days  in  happiness, 

I'd  vegetate  in  clover, 
And  when  I  died,  I'd  shut  my  eys. 

Lay  down  and  roll  right  over. 


270 


MRS.     PARTINQTOtfS 


FANCIES  IN  AN  OMNIBUS. — The  man  who  brings  a  dog  into  an 
omnibus  deserves  to  be  bitten  to  atoms  by  wild  fleas,  and  scattered 
to  the  blankets  ! 

What  a  beautiful  rose  in  the  hand  of  that  virgin  (she  wears 
no  ring.)  Sweet  maid  !  We  could  hold  you  in  our  heart,  even 
as  we  would  bear  that  rose  in  our  button-hole,  but  that  we  already 
have  a  wife  and  eight  children. 

Interesting  and  significant  is  woman  with  a  bundle,  a  bag. 
and  a  bonnet-box  !  It  touchingly  preaches  to  thoughtless  man 
what  the  dear  creatures  have  to  bear  in  this  life  ! 

Sweeter  still  is  woman  with  a  little  boy  and  a  big  hoop. 
Beautifully  suggestive  of  wedlock,  pledge  of  love,  and  a  whole 
round  of  happiness. 

Of  two  evils  there  is  always  the  lesser.  And  turn  it  as 
we  may,  a  child  with  the  small-pox  in  an  omnibus  is  a  trifle  worse 
than  a  wet  umbrella. 


"WHERE  D'YE  DIG  YER  BAIT?" — In  one  of  my  solitary  piscatorial 
wanderings,  last  week,  I  passed  through  a  meadow  in  which  a 
couple  of  juveniles  were  making  hay.  One  of  them  left  his  occupa- 
tion and  cami  towards  the  brook  where  I  was  fishing.  The  fol- 
lowing remarkably  interesting  conversation  ensued — 

Boy.  Fishing;  aint  ye? 

Snooks.  Ya-a-a-s,  something  of  that  sort. 

Boy.  Got  many  ?  (he  lifts  the  lid  of  the  basket) — Oh  Creation  ? 
*  what  a  lot !  Where  did  ye  get  all  them  ? 

Snooks.  All  up  and  down  the  lot. 

Boy.  Guess  ye  know  heow !  What  kind  o'  pole's  that :  power- 
ful han'som'  one,  aint  it?  Whats't  made  of? 

Snooks.  (Finding  he  had  awakened  an  inquisitor.)  Very  haiT- 
som'.  indeed — made  of  ash-wood — twelve  feet  in  length — in  three 
pieces — mounted  with  brass — four  inches  round  the  butt  at  bottom 


CARPET-BAG     OP     FUN.  271 


tapers  gradually  to  half  an  inch  in  circumference  at  the  top  — 
seventeen  ounces  in  weight  —  cost  five  dollars  and  cheap  at  that  ! 
—  this  straw  hat  cost  me  two  dollars  three  years  ago  —  this  old  coat, 
twelve,  about  the  same  time  —  can't  say  what  t'hese  ventilating 
pants  cost  —  have  forgotten  what  the  vest  came  to  —  boots  made  for 
fishing,  and  cost  tive  dollars  —  got  an  old  wallet  in  my  pocket  to 
keep  spare  hooks  and  lines  in  —  have  a  jack-knife  also  in  my 
pocket,  and  a  purse  with  half  a  dollar,  a  niriepence  and  two  cents 
in  it  —  there  was  once  half  a  pint  of  good  brandy  in  that  bottle  — 
paid  thirty  two  and  a  half  cents  for  that  pipe  —  that  handkerchief 
I  got  t  can't  tell  where  —  have  been  there  some  two  months  —  intend 
to  be  two  months  longer  there  —  is  there  anything  more  in  par- 
ticular you  have  to  ask? 

Rusticus,  junior,  looked  amazed  the  while  I  rattled  off  the  above 
inventory  of  facts  and   recollections  ;  and,   to  my  great  surprise, 
|  seemed  to   take   the  hint  that    I    would   deem  further  enquiries 
|  superfluous.     Scarcely  had  I  inserted  my  fishing-lines  in  the  brook, 
when  this  vision  was  broken  up  by  my  rustic  friend  asking  :  — 
'•  Say,  stranger  :  where  d'ye  dig  yer  bait?" 


_ 

RESOLVING  A  DIFFICULTY.  —  As  the  chambermaid  of  a  steam- 
<  boat  upon  the  Ohio  was  passing  out  of  the  ladies'  cabin,  an  old 
lady,  in  a  plaintively  husky  tone,  requested  her  to  shut  the  door, 
}  as  she  had  caught  such  a  bad  cold  at  Detroit  that  she  was  almost 
'  dead.  At  this  moment  a  very  phthsis  old  lady,  occupying  a  berth 
J  near  the  door,  forbade  the  girl  to  shut  it  on  account  of  her  shortness 
•  of  breath. 

44  Shut  it,  or  I'll  die,"  squeaked  the  Detroit  lady. 
"  Leave  it  open,  or  I'll  smother  to  death."  gasped  the  other. 
As  the  war  waxed  warm,  a  wag  in  the  adjoining  cabin,  thrust-  1 
;  ing  his*  head  from  his  berth,  decided  the  chambermaid's  quandary,  { 
by  ordering  her  to  u  open  the  door  until  the   Detroit  lady  dies  of 
her  cold  —  and  then  close  it  until  the  other  one  smothers  to  death."  j 


272 


MRS.     PARTI NGTONS 


PORTRAIT  OF   THI   GREAT    AMERICAN    AUTHOR,     G.    PUFFBR    HOPKINS. 

EXTRACT  FROM  PUFFER'S  LAST  WORK  IN  ADVANCE  or  PUBLICA- 
TION.— Last  Friday  night — I  am  not  superstitious,  but  I  never  met 
with  a  misfortune  on  any  other  day — I  invited  Ariminta  to  accom- 
pany me  to  Christy's;  the  dear  girl  is  fond  of  listening  to  Christy's 
band ;  but,  for  myself,  her  voice  was  all  the  music  I  eared  to 
listen  to — and  she  of  course  accepted.  When  I  called  at  her  resi- 
dence in  the  upper  part  of  the  city,  at  half-past  seven,  1  found  her 
all  ready,  and  off  we  started. 

It  was  a  beautiful  night,  and  with  the  singfo  exception  that  it 
was  rather  warm,  would  have  been  just  the  one  of  all  others  for 
lovers  to  promenade  in.  I  never  shall  forget  my  feelings  as  we 
leisurely  walked  along  towards  Mechanic's  Hall — how  1  did  revel 
in  all  the  delights  of  the  first  dream  of  pure  love  I  had  ever  known  ! 
— there  was  to  me  but  one  being  in  this  extens've  world,  and  that 
being  was  Ariminta  !  How  I  did  talk  ! — I,  that  on  ordinary 


CARFET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


273 


occasions  have  not  a  word  to  say  for  myself !  t  quoted  to  her 
some  of  the  most  exquisite  of  Moore's  love  passages  which  I  had 
committed  to  memory — went  slightly  into  the  merits  of  Shak-  \ 
speare's  "  Romeo  and  Juliet"  and  by  the  time  we  reached  Broad- 
way  I  was  getting  rhapsodically  frantic  about  the  pseudo  Prince's 
description  of  his  palace  by  the  Lake  of  Como — I  had  got  so  far  as 
to  pour  a  few  lines  of  it,  uttered  in  the  softest  tones  imaginable, 
into  her  ear 

"  And  when  night  came  amidst  the  breathless  heavens, 

We'd  watch  the  stars,  and  guess  which  one  should  be  our  home 

When  love  becomes  immortal  !" 

I  say  I  had  got  thus  far,  when — I  heard  something  drop  !  I  looked 
around,  and  reader,  what  do  you  think  it  was? — by  all  that's  dis*~- 
greeable,  it  was  Ariminta's  bustle  ! 

THE  SWOOP  OF  THE  NIGHT  HAWK. — It  was  the  gentle  hour  of 
gloaming.  The  beautiful  Isabel  had  left  the  parental  cot  for  an 
evening  ramble.  Through  a  green  lane,  redolent  of  honeysuckle, 
she  bent  her  way  to  an  antique  wooden  bridge,  crossing  a  rivulet 
that  murmured  beneath  the  baronial  towers,  distant  some  half  a 
mile  from  her  humbler,  but  not  less  happy  dwelling. 

A  mendicant  who  was  leaning  over  the  bridge,  rose  as  she  ap- 
proached, and  in  a  hoarse  voice  solicited  an  alms.  Isabel  had  left 
her  purse  at  home,  or  the  appeal  to  her  gentle  bosom  would  not 
perhaps  have  been  made  in  vain.  There  was  truth,  then,  in  her 
protestation  that  she  had  nothing  for  the  man ;  but  he  would  not 
believe  it,  and  she  hurried  on  to  escape  his  importunity,  he  followed 
her  with  the  accelerated  step  and  heightened  voice  so  charateristic 
of  the  determined  and  professional  beggar. 

At  this  juncture  a  youth,  emerging  from  behind  a  gnarled  oak, 
and  armed  with  a  substantial  walking  cane,  suddenly  placed  him- 
self between  the  maiden  and  the  vagabond,  and  authoritatively 


274 


MRS.     PARTINGTON     S 


ordered  him  to  go  about  his  business.  The  fellow,  grumbling, 
sulkily  obeyed. 

The  young  man.  taking  off  his  hat,  respectfully  made  an  offer  to 
escort  Isabel  home,  and  his  services  were  gratefully  accepted.  He 
was  tall  and  dark,  wearing  a  profusion  of  sable  ringlets,  with  mus- 
tachios  and  a  tuft.  The  moon,  which  was  just  then  rising  over 
the  neighboring  castle  wwer,  beamed  fufl  upon  his  acquiline  nose, 
and  was  reflected  in  the  lustre  of  his  black  eye. 

"  Beautiful  moon  !"  he  exclaimed,  addressing  the  planet.  "  For 
ages  of  ages,  on  this  turbulent  world,  hast  thou  shone  down,  tranquil 
and  serene  as  now.  And  thou  wilt  still  shine  on.  in  thine  unchange- 
able calmness,  on  hopes  as  yet  unformed,  on  griefs  unfelt,  on  un- 
imagined  fears.  Thou,  oh  moon,  that  srnilest  on  the  quiet  graves, 
thou  wilt  one  day  smile  as  peacefully  on  us,  when  we  are  laid  in 
earth,  and  all  our  cares  forgotten  !  Is  it  not  so  ?JJ 

iL  Oh,  yes  !"  answered  Isabel,  with  emotion. 

The  youth  heaved  a  long-drawn  sigh.  "  This  is  a  strange  meet- 
ing," he  observed,  after  a  pause.  "  A  few  minutes  more,  and  we 
part — perchance  for  ever.  In  the  meanwhile,  might  I  entreat  a 
trifling  favor,  which  would  render  me  supremely  happy  ?JI 

'•Really,  sir,  I — that  is — pray,  excuse — I  could  not,  indeed  V 
stammered  Isabel,  blushing  with  an  intensity  actually  visible  in 
the  moonlight. 

"  Suffer  me  to  imprint  but  one  kiss" — the  maiden  shrank  back 
— "  on  that  delicate  hand,"  said  the  stranger. 

"  This  is  indeed  a  strange  request,"  she  replied. 

"  It  is  perhaps  romantic.  But  of  late  years,"  he  continued.  "  I 
have  resided  in  Germany,  where  the  boon  which  I  now  venture  to 
crave  would  be  esteemed  a  life-long  happiness.  Would  you  deny 
so  rich  a  blessing,  granted  so  easily.?" 

aTo  rny  preserver? — that  were  indeed  ungrateful,"  Isabel 
answered  And  divesting  her  little  hand  of  its  neat  kid  gbve,  she 


CARPET-BAG     OF      FUN. 


275 


presented  it  to  the  stranger,  who,  kneeling,  respectfully  raised  it  to 
his  lips. 

At  this  moment  a  wild  cry  for  help  proceeded  from  a  coppice 
not  far  distant.  The  stranger  started  to  his  feet,  holding  the  hand 
of  Isabel  in  his  own,  and  clutching  it  convulsively  as  he  listened 
to  the  heart  piercing  shriek.  "  Await  me  for  a  moment !"  he  ex- 
claimed :  "  A  fellow-creature  in  distress  !  'Tis  the  call  of  duty  ! 
1  will  return  immediately  !  Farewell,  beautiful  being,  for  one  in- 
stant— farewell — farewell  !"  And  bounding  over  a  gate  into  the 
adjoining  field,  he  disappeared. 

So  had  a  diamond  ring,  from  Isabel's  forefinger.     It  was  the  gift ) 
of  a  generous  uncle,  and  worth  at  least  thirty  pounds.     She  never 
again  saw  either  the  stranger  or  the  ring.     It  is  but  too  probable 
that  the  latter  was  stolen,  and  that  the  former  was  a  member  of 
the  swell  mob. 

SHARP    WITNESS. — A   witness  was   examined    in   a 
case   of  slander  before  a  judge,    who  required  him 
to   repeat    the    precise    words    spoken.      The   wit- 
ness hesitated   until  he  riveted  the  attention  of  the 
whole  court  upon  him ;  then  fixing  his  eyes  earnest- 
ly upon  the  judge,  he  began,  "  May  it  please  your 
honor,  you  lie.  you  steal,  and  you  get  your   living  by  stealing  !"  j 
The  face  of  the  judge  reddened,  and  he  immediately  exclaimed/ 
"  Turn  to  the  jury,  sir." 

LUCKY  EDITOR. — A  western  editor,  in  announcing  that  he  had 
seen  a  "  Bloomer,';  says  she  "  looked  remarkably  well,  as  far  as  he 
could  see."     The  impudence  of  some  of  the  editorial  fraternity  is  ! 
past  comprehension. 

INDUSTRY.—"  Sarn,"  said  a  mother  to  one  of  her £:  wery  obedient" 
!  sons  one  day.  "  how  many  logs  have  you  sa\v'd;eh  9"     "  Why  marm, 
when  I  got  this  and  three  other  ones  done  I'll  have  four." 


276 


MRS.      PARTINGTON    8 


INGENIOUS  EXPEDIENT. — Old  Lady.  "  Why,  yon  horrid,  barba- 
rous, murderous  little  wretches !    What  have  you  been  and  killed 
j  my  poor  cat  for?" 

Slightly  alarmed  Juvenile.  — " Wh-why  Ch-Charley's  fiddle's! 
I  broke,  and  we  wanted  to  get  some  cat-gut,  for  fiddle-strings7  out  of  j 
I  pussy  !" 


RINGING  HIM  IN. — A  few  weeks  since  a  tall,  awkward  looking  j 
chap,  just  from  the  green  mountains  of  Vermont,  came  on  board 
one  of  the  North  River  boats  at  Albany.  His  curiosity  was 
amazingly  excited  at  once,  and  he  commenced  "  pecking"  as  he 
called  it  into  every  nook  and  corner  of  the  boat.  The  captain's 
office,  the  engine-room,  the  water  closets,  the  barber's  shop,  all 
underwent  his  inspection ;  and  the'h  he  went  on  deck  and  stood  in 
amazement  at  the  lever  beam,  the  chimneys  and  various  u  fixins," 
till  at  last  he  caught  sight  of  the  bell.  This  was  the  crowning 
wonder,  and  he  viewed  it  from  every  position,  walked  around  it, 
got  down  on  his  knees  and  looked  up  into  it,  and  exclaimed — 

"  Wall,  raly,  this  beats  the  bell  on  our  meetin*  house  a  darned 
sight." 

By  this  time  the  attention  of  the  captain  and  several  of  the  pas- 
sengers were  attracted  to  this  genius. 

uHow  much  would  you  ask  to  let  a  feller  ring  this  bell  ?v 

"  You  may  ring  it  for  a  dollar,  sir."  said  the  captain. 

"  Wall,  it's  a  bargain,  all  fair  and  agreed,  and  no  backing  out." 

"It's  a  bargain,  sir,"  said  the  captain. 

Our  hero  went  deliberately  and  brought  a  seat  and  took  hold  of 
the  bell-rope,  and  having  arranged  everything  to  his  satisfaction, 
commenced  ringing  slowly  at  first,  and  gradually  faster  and  faster, 
till  everybody  on  board  thought  the  boat  on  fire,  and  rushed  or 
deck  screaming  with  alarm. 

There  * tood  the  captain,  and  there  stood  the  "  Monster,"  ringing 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  277 

away  first  slow  and  then  fast,  and  then  two  or  three  taps  at  a 
time. 

The  passengers  began  to  expostulate;  the  captain  said  it  was  a 
bargain.  But  the  passengers  became  urgent  that  the  eternal 
clangor  should  be  stopped. 

All  the  while  there  sat  our  hero  undisturbed  ringing  away  more 
ways  than  a  cockney  chime-ringer  ever  dreamt  of. 

At  last  the  captain  began  to  think  it  time  to  stop  the  simpleton ; 
but  his  answer  was  : 

"  A  fair  bargain  and  no  backing  out." 

And  he  rang  away  for  dear  life. 

"  Well,"  says  the  captain,  li  what  will  you  take  to  stop  ?' 

"  Wall,  cap'n,  I  gesa  I  sheant  lose  nothing  if  I  take  five  dollars 
and  a.  free  passage  to  New  York,  but  not  a  darned  cent  less." 

"Well,  walk  down  to  the  office  and  get  your  money  and  passage 
ticket,"  said  the  captain. 

MRS.  PARTINGTON'S  JOCULAR  VEIN. — ''Diseases  is  very  various," 
said  Mrs.  Partington.  as  she  returned  from  a  street  door  conversa- 
tion with  Dr.  Bolus,     "  The  Dr.  tells  me  that  poor  old  Mrs.  Haze 
has  got  two  buckles  on  her  lungs  !     It  is  dreadful  to  think  of,  I 
declare.     The  diseases  is  so  various  !  one  way  we  hear  of  people's 
dying  of  hermitage  of  the  lungs,    another  way  of  the  brown  crea- 
tures ;  here  they  tell  us  of  the  elementary  canal  being  out  of  order, 
and  there  about  tonsors  of  the  throat ;  here  w»  hear  of  neurology 
in  the  head,  there  of  an  embargo;  one  side  of  us  we  hear  of  men  ; 
being  killed  by  getting  a  pound  of  tough  beef  in  the  sarcofagus,  and  > 
there  another  kills  himself  by  discovering  his  jocular  vein.     Things  j 
change  so,  that  I  declare  I  don't  know  how  to  subscribe  for  any  ] 
disease  now-a-days.     New  names  and  new  nostrils  takes  the  place 
of  the  old,  and  1  might  as  well  throw  my  old    herb  bag  away." 
Fifteen  minutes  afterwards  Isaac  had  that  herb  bag  full  of  Fire 


278 


MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


Crackers,  and  was  keeping  the  fourth  of  July  in  a  patriotic  manner 
by  suddenly  introducing  a  lighted  pack  of  those  quiet  articles,  on 
the  table  of  Dr.  Bolus,  producing  greal  delight  to  Isaac,  and  great 
consternation  to  the  young  Bolusses. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  279 


GRACE  AND  THE  SEA-CAPTAIN. — A  good  story  is  told  of  an 
eccentric  old  gentleman,  who,  although  occasionally  addicted  to 
the  hab't  of  s%ATearing,  was  still  punctilious  in  regard  to  saying 
grace  at  his  table,  and  this  duty  he  never  omitted  on  any  occasion. 

The  story  runs  that  on  a  certain  occasion,  the  old  gentleman 
invited  a  sea-captain,  a  jolly  old  weather-beaten  tar  of  his  acquaint- 
ance, to  dine  with  him.  They  sat  down  to  dinner,  and  the  old 
gentleman,  according  to  custom,  commenced  saying  grace  ;  but  the 
captain,  whose  attention  had  been  diverted  for  the  moment,  hear- 
ing the  old  gentleman  speak,  thought  he  was  addressing  him,  and 
turning  to  him,  said — 

"  What  did  you  say,  squire  ?77 

li  Why,  d — n  «Y,  wan,  I'm  saying  grace  /" 

DELICACY. — A  young  lady  (a  weekly  newspaper  having  been 
left  on  her  toilet  table.)  refused  to  dress  herself  because  there  was 
an  Observer  in  the  room. 


THE  MINISTER   WHO   HAD  WORMS.  —  The   following   incident 
kl  came  off"  in  a  certain  poor-house  in  New  Hampshire.    A  young 
clergyman  visiting  the  establishment,  seated  himself  by  the  side 
j  of  a  deaf  woman,  when  this  conversation  ensued  : — 

Clergyman  [shouting].  "How  old  are  you,  my  good  madam?" 
Woman.  "  Eight-eight  year  old,  come  last  May  !" 
Clergyman  [in   a   sad   tone].  "Eight-eight   year   eld?     Before  | 
eight-eight  years  shall  have  passed   over  me,  I  shall  be  food  for 
worms  !7' 

Old  Woman  [horrified].  "  Worms  did  you  say  ?    Are  you  troubled 
with  'em  ?     I  never  know' d  grow'd-up-men-folks  to  have  ?em  bad  !" 
The  clergyman  was  observed  to  come  away  very  suddenly  after 
(hat  question  and  answer. 


MISSIONARY  PERILS. — There  are  some  natives  that  won't  believe  t 
a  word  of  the  sermon,  but  will  swallow  the  preacher. 


280  MRS. 

THAT  GUTTA  PERCHA  STEAK. — A  genius  with  his  castor  know- 
ingly cocked  on  one  side  of  his  bullet-head,  a  leer  in  his  eye.  and 
a  devil-rnay-care  contour  generally,  came  into  a  cheap  eating- 
house,  down  town,  the  other  day,  and  bawled  out — 

*'  Sa-a-ay,  look  a-here." 

"  What'll  you  have,  sir?"  quoth  a  white-aproned  chap,  rushing 
at  the  customer. 

"  What  yer  got  ?" 

"  Most  everything,  sir ;  ham,  eggs,  codfish,  chicken,  goose,  tur 
key,  roast  beef,  and — " 

"  Well,  look  a-here,  old  feller—" 

"Sir?" 

"  Look  a-here  ;  you  got  any  pork  steak  and  fried  taters  ?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  Fried  oysters  and  lobster  salad  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Roast  goose  and  apple  sass  ?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"Well,  look  a-here;  how  about  the  steaks,  eh?" 

u  Good  beef  steaks,  sir." 

"Good?" 

"  First  rate." 

"Well,  look  a-here,  old  feller,  you  jis  go  bring  that  steak  I  had 
here  last  week — rale  gutta  percha  ;  broke  two  front  teeth  on  ir 
first  bite  ;  but  I've  got  my  old  molars  all  steel  set  and  sharpened, 
now,  and  I'm  jiss  goin'  to  walk  into  that  old  steak  like  a  saw-mill. 
Fetch  it  on  now,  why  don't  yer,  sa-a-y  ?" 

TONGUE  AND  MATRIMONY. — A  lady,  who  was  very  modest  and 
submissive  before  marriage,  was  observed  by  her  friend  to  use  her 
tongue  pretty  freely  after. 

"  There  was  a  time  when  I  almost  imagined  she  had  none." 
"  Yes,"  said  her  husband  with  a  sigh,  "  but  it's  very  long  since  " 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


281 


ANIMAL   MAGNETISM. 


GOOD  NEWS. — Somebody  down  east  has  invented  a  new  plan 
for  cheap  boarding.  One  of  the  boarders  mesmerises  the  rest,  then 
eats  a  hearty  meal — the  mesmerised  being  satisfied  from  sympathy. 

SHORT-SIGHTED. — On  the  day  of  an  eclipse,  when  all  the  inhab- 
itants of  Paris  were  out  of  doors,  provided  with  telescopes  and 
pieces  of  smoked  glass,  an  Englishman  was  seen  driving  furiously 
along  one  of  the  principal  streets. 

"  Where  does  my  lord  wish  to  go  ?"  asked  the  driver. 

"  To  see  the  eclipse,"  answered  the  Englishman,  poking  his 
Lead  out  of  the  coach  window,  "  only  drive  up  as  near  to  it  as 
possible,  for  I  am  short-sighted." 


282  MRS. 

Thr:   LOVE    SICK   GARDENER. — The  following  amusing  letter 
i  has  accidentally  fallen,  says  the  Birmingham  Mercury,  in  our  way. 
We  give  it  insertion,  believing  it  will  interest  and  amuse  some  of 
our  readers — particularly  our  horticultural  friends  : 

"  1,  Suu-flower-terrace,  Primrose-hill.     My  Rose-Mary — As  you 
are  the  Pink  of  perfection  and  the  Blossom  of  May.  I  wish  to  tell 
Yew  that  my  Hearts-ease  has  been  torn  up  by  the  Roots,  and  the 
Peas  of  my  Holm  entirely  destroyed  since  I  began  to  Pine  after 
Yew.     Yew  will  perceive  that  I  am  a  gardener.     My  name  is 
William  Bud.     At  first  I  was  poor,  but  by  Shooting  in  the  Spring. 
and  driving  a  Car-nation  fast,  I  obtained  a  Celery,  and  by  a  little 
Cabbaging,  &c.,  I  Rose  to  be  master  (though  something  like  a 
Creeper)  of  the  whole  garden.     I  have  now  the  full  command  of 
the  Stocks,  and  the  Mint ;  I  can  raise  Ane-Mone  from  a  Penny- 
Royal  to  a  Plum,  and  what  my  expenditure  Leaves  I  put  in  a  Box 
for  Yew.     If  [  may  as  a  Cock's-comb,  speak  of  myself,  I  should  I 
say  that  I  was  in  the  Flower  of  manhood — that  1  was  neither  a 
Standard  nor  a  Dwarf,  a  Mushroom  nor  a  May-pole :  my  nose  is 
of  the  Turnup- Reddish  kind,  and  my  locks  hang  in  clusters  about 
my  Ears.     I  am  often  in  the  company  of  Rakes,  and  rather  fond  j 
of  Vine  and  Shmb — which  my  Elders  reprove  me  for ;  so  I  had 
better  Berry  all  this,  and  as  I  am  a  Branch  of  a  good  Stock,  with  , 
a  portly  Bearing,  I  well  know  when  and  where  to  make  my  Bough.  I 
So  Lett-uce  act  for  ourselves,  and  fix  an  early  day  for  grafting 
your  fate  with  mine — which  might  be  made  a  Pop-lar  measure  j 
but  I  think  it  had  better  be  Privet,  for  Jon-quil  the  lawyer  says 
that  your  old  crab  of  a  father,  who  did  never  a  Li-lack  when  he 
wanted  to  part  us,  means  to  take  the  Elm  in  his  own  hands  in 
this  matter  ;  but  if  he  does  and  Buttice  me  at  all,  I  will  not  be 
Slow  in  settling  his  Ash,  and  I  will  be  such  a  Thorn  in  his  side  | 
( that  the  day  he  does  it  shall  be  one  of  the  worst  Days-he  ever  saw.  t 
I  But  I  must  sow  no  seeds  of  discord ;  for  I  am  certain  that  we  t 
|  should  make  a  very  nice  Pear,  and  never  repent  even  when  we ! 


-BAG     OF     FUN.  283 


became  Sage  by  Thyme.  You  would  be  the  Balm  of  my  Life,  and 
I  should  be  the  Balsam  of  yours  ;  so  that  people  who  might  call 
us  Green  now  would  call  us  Evergreen  hereafter.  And  now  Sweet 
Peas  be  with  you  ;  and  if  he  who  tries  at  it,  Tares  me  from  Yew, 
I  shall  become  a  M?lon-  Cauliflower,  and  wither  away.  My  tongue  i 
will  always  be  a  Scar  let-  Runner  in  your  praise  ;  for  I  have  planted 
my  Hope  in  Yew,  and  now  I  only  live  for  the  Thyme  when  I  may 
hear  from  your  own  Tu-lips  that  I  am  your  Sweet  William,  and  not 
your—  Weeping  Will-O.—Uih  February,  1851. 

u  Too  Miss  Mary  Gold 
Who  in  prospect  I  hold, 
To  make  my  new  garden 
Like  Eden  of  old.'7 

UNCLE  BILL'S  FIRST  LOVE.  —  My  Uncle  Bill  and  my  Aunt  Airy 
reside  on  Long  Island,  and  not  far  from  the  far-famed  resort. 
Rockaway.  One  evening  last  week,  as  Aunt  Airy  was  boiling 
chestnuts  for  us  "  Yorkers"  to  eat,  and  as  Uncle  Bill  sat  smoking 
a  good  Havana  we  had  brought  down  with  us,  we  persuaded  him 
to  tell  us  a  story.  Uncle  Bill  tells  a  good  one  when  he  chooses, 
and  being  a  man  that  loves  to  please,  he  dipped  deeply  very  quickly, 
into  the  merits  of  the  one  he  proposed  telling,  somewhat  thus  :  — 

"  When  I  was  a  slip  of  a  chap,  I  had  occasion  to  travel  some 
distance  in  a  stage-coach,  as  steamboats  and  rail-cars  were  not  so 
plenty  in  those  days.  Now  I  had  heard  tell  often  of  fellers  fallin' 
in  love  at  first  sight,  but  I  never  much  believed  it  till  that  stage 
made  me  kinder  think  so.  I  had  the  luck  of  sitting  along  side  of 
one  of  the  prettiest  women  I  have  ever  seen.  (Uncle  Bill  looked 
slily  at  Aunt  Airy.) 

1  soon  fell  in  love  up  to  the  brim,  chuck,  with  the  gal.  As  it  j 
was  growin'  dark,  the  stage  was  passin'  through  a  thick  wood,  j 
then  1  thought  my  time  was  come  surely.  As  I  felt  my  strength  j 


284 


MRS.     PARTINGTON-S 


goin  quickly,  I  kinder  gently  lifted  up  my  arm  and  drew  it  lound 
the  fair  one's  waist ;  she  moved  not,  but  only  made  a  slight  noise, 
which  I  supposed  was  a  love  sigh  :  says  I,  dear  one.  sweet  one,  I 
love  yer,  will  yer  love  me  ?  The  girl  said  nothin',  but  made  what 
I  supposed  was  a  love  sigh  agin'.  I  ther  pressed  her  to  me,  her 
head  fell  on  my  shoulder,  and  I  began  to  tremble  all  over ;  but 
still  I  kept  my  tongue  a  goin',  and  says  I,  dear  little  one,  won't  yer 
love  me,  can't  yer  love  me,  will  yer  love  me,  will  yer  marry  me  ? 
The  stage  then  drove  out  of  the  woods,  and  the  moon  shone  on  her 
face,  and  I  looked  on  it — and — and — " 

"  And  what  ?"  we  all  exclaimed. 

':  And,"  says  Uncle  Bill,  "  she  was  sleeping  and  snorir."1  in  my 
arms  S" 

When  our  roars  of  laughter  had  somewhat  subsided,  Uncle  Bill 
said — u  There  she  sits,  bilin'  chestnuts." 

HE  OUGHT  TO  BE  WHALED. — Kow  did  the  whale  that  swallow- 
ed  Jonah  obey  the  Divine  law  ?  Jonah  was  "  a  stranger  and  he 
took  Lim  in." 

Black  VERSUS    WJi>te. 


ENGLANDS  PRIDE  AND  ENGLAND  S  AVERSION. 


CARPET-BAG     OP     FUN. 


285 


AW   EVENING    WITH    THE    GREAT  "  JEW-LION." 


PENSEEOSO,  THE    OVERTURE. 


FURIOSO,   THE    AMERICAN    QUADRILLE. 


ALLEGRO,  THE   SYMPHONY. 


REPOSE,   THE  FINALE. 


PRACTICAL  LACONICS. — uHillo,  master,"  said  a  Yankee  to  a 
teamster,  who  appeared  in  something  of  a  hurry,  <:  What  time  is 
it  ?  Where  are  you  going  ?  How  deep  is  the  creek  ?  And  what 
is  the  price  of  butter  ?"  "  Past  one,  almost  two — home — waist 
deep — and  elevenpence,"  was  the  reply. 


286  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 

PRACTICAL  JOKERS. — We  remember  hearing  a  story  or  a  fellow 
who  roused  a  venerable  doctor,  about  twelve  o'clock  one  winter's 
night,  and,  on  his  coming  to  the  door,  coolly  inquired,  "  Have  you 
lost  a  knife,  Mr.  Brown  ?"  "  No,"  growled  the  victim.  "  Well, 
never  mind,"  said  the  wag,  "  I  thought  I'd  just  call  and  inquire, 
for  I  found  one  yesterday."  We  thought  that  rather  cool ;  but  the 
following  story  of  Neil  M'Kinnon,  a  New- York  wag,  surpasses  in 
impudence  anything  within  recollection.  Read  and  ispeak  for 
yourself,  gentle  reader : — When  the  celebrated  "  Copenhagen 
Jackson"  was  British  Minister  in  America,  he  resided  in  New- York, 
and  occupied  a  house  in  Broadway,  Neil,  one  night  at  a  late  hour, 
in  company  with  a  bevy  of  rough-riders,  while  passing  the  house, 
noticed  that  it  was  brillantly  illuminated,  and  that  several  carria- 
ges were  waiting  at  the  door.  u  Holloa  !"  said  our  wag,  "  what's 
going  on  at  Jackson's?"  One  of  the  party  remarked  that  Jackson 
had  a  party  that  evening.  "  What !"  exclaimed  Neil,  "  Jackson 
have  a  party,  and  I  not  invited  ?  I  must  see  to  that !"  So,  step- 
ping up  to  the  door,  he  gave  a  ring,  which  soon  brought  the  servant 
to  the  door.  "  I  want  to  see  the  British  Minister,"  said  Neil. 
" You  must  call  some  other  time,"  said  the  servant,  "for  he  is 
now  engaged  at  a  game  of  whist,  and  must  not  be  disturbed." 
"  Don't  talk  to  me  that  way,"  said  M'Kinnon,  "  but  go  directly, 
and  ;,ell  the  British  Minister  that  I  must  see  him  immediately  on 
special  business/'  The  servant  obeyed,  and  delivered  his  message 
in  so  impressive  a  style  as  to  bring  Mr.  Jackson  to  the  door  forth- 
with "  Well,"  said  Mr.  Jackson,  "  what  can  be  your  business  at 
this  time  ot  night,  which  is  so  very  urgent  ?"  "  Are  you  Mr. 
Jackson  ?"  "  Yes,  sir,  I  am  Mr.  Jackson."  '•'  The  British  Min- 
ister ?;;  "  Yes,  sir."  "  You  have  a  party  here  to-night,  I  perceive. 
Mr.  Jackson  ?"  "  Yes,  sir,  I  have  a  party."  "  A  large  party,  I 
presume?"  "  Ye*,  sir,  a  large  party."  "  Playing  cards,  I  under- 
stand ?"  "  Yes,  sir,  playing  cards."  •'  Oh.  well,"  said  Neil,  if  as 
I  was  passing,  I  merely  called  to  inquire  what's  trumps  ?" 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  287 

TONEY  SUBJECT. — The  following  whimsical  cir- 
cumstance and  peculiar  coincidence,  it  is  said, 
actually  took  place  some  time"  since  : — A  boat 
ascending  the  Ohio  river  was  hailed  by  another 
boat,  when  the  following  conversation  ensued  : — 
''What  boat  is  that?"  "The  Cherrystone." 
"  Whence  came  you  ?"  "  From  Redstone." 
"  Where  are  you  bound  to  ?"  "  Limestone." 
"Who  is  your  captain?"  "Thomas  Stone}1 
"  What  are  you  loaded  with  ?"  "  Millstone.? 
and  grindstones."  "  You  are  a  hard  set  to  be 
sure  ;  take  care  you  don't  go  to  the  bottom." 

NIGGER  ON  A  BUST. — A  gentleman  finding  his  servant  intoxicated, 
said,  "  What,  drunk  again,  Sam  ?  I  scolded  you  for  being  drunk 
last  night,  and  here  you  are  drunk  again.'7  "Nomassa;  same 
drunk,  massa  ;  same  drunk,"  replied  Sambo. 

AN  OLD  STORY  REVIVED. — There  lived  some  years  ago.  in  Wes- 
tern Virginia,  many  Dutchmen,  and  among  them  one  named  Henry 
Snyder  •  and  there  were  likewise  two  brothers  called  George  and 
Jake  Fulwiler ;  they  were  all  rich,  and  each  owned  a  mill. 
Henry  Snyder  was  subject  to  fits  of  derangement,  but  they  were 
not  of  such  a  nature  as  to  render  him  dangerous  to  any  one.  He 
merely  conceived  himself  to  be  the  Supreme  Ruler  of  the  Universe, 
and  while  under  the  infatuation,  had  himself  a  throne  built,  on 
which  he  sat  to  try  the  cause  of  all  who  offended  him  ;  and  pass- 
ed them  off  to  heaven  or  hell,  as  his  humor  prompted — he  person- 
ating both  judge  and  culprit. 

It  happened  one  day  that  some  difficulty  occurred  between 
Henry  Snyder  and  the  Fulwilers,  on  account  of  their  mills  ;  when 
to  be  avenged,  Henry  Snyder  took  along  with  him  a  book  in  which 
he  recorded  his  judgment,  and  mounted  his  throne  to  try  their 


288  MRS. 


causes.  He  was  he  aid  to  pass  the  following  judgment.  Having 
prepared  himself,  (actiag  as  judge,  and  yet  responding  for  the 
accused,}  he  called  George  Fulwiler. 

*tf  Shorge  Fulwiler,  stand  up.  What  hash  you  been  doing  in  this 
world  ?» 

"  Ah  !  Lort,  T  does  not  know." 

"  Well,  Shorge  Fulwiler,  has'nt  you  got  a  mill  ?" 

"  Yes,  Lort,  I  hash." 

"  Well,  Shorge  Fulwiler,  didn't  you  never  take  too  much  toll  ?" 

u  Yes,  Lort.  I  hash,  when  der  water  was  low,  and  mine  stones 
was  dull,  I  take  too  much  toll." 

"  Well,  den,  Shorge  Fulwiler,  you  must  go  to  der  left,  mit  der 
goats." 

"  Well,  Shake  Fulwiler,  now  stand  up.     What  have  you  been 
j  doin'  in  die  lower  world  ?" 

[The  trial  proceeded  precisely    like  the  former,  and  with  the 
same  result.] 

''•  Now,  I  tries  mineself.     Henry  Shnyder,  stand  up.     What  hash 
you  been  doing  in  dis  lower  world  ?" 

"  Ah  !  Lort,  1  does  not  know." 

"  Well,  Henry  Shnyder,  hasn't  you  got  a  mill?" 

"  Yes,  Lord,  I  hash." 

"  Well,  Henry  Shnyder,  didn't  you  never  take  too  much  toll  ?" 

"  Yes,  Lort.  I  hash,  when  der  water  was  low,  and  mine  stones 
was  dull,  I  hash  taken  a  leelle  too  much  toll." 

"But,  Henry  Shnyder,  vat  did  you  do  mit  der  toll?" 

u  Ah  !  Lort,  I  gives  it  to  the  poor." 

[Pausing.]     "  Well,   Henry  Shnyder,  you  must  go  to  der  right, 
mid  der  sheep ;  but  it  ish  a  tarn  tight  squeeze." 

HARD  TO  SWALLOW. — An  oyster  was  opened  at  point  Comfort 
lately,  which  was  so  large  that  it  took  three  men  to  swallow  it 
S  whole! 


J 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN. 


289 


SCRIPTURAL   HISTORY. 

A  showman  exhibiting  a  picture,  said : — "  Ladies  and  gentlemen, 
there  is  Daniel  in  the  den  of  lions.  These  are  the  lions  and  that 
is  Daniel,  whom  you  will  easily  distinguish  from  the  lions,  by  his 
having  a  blue  cotton  umbrella  under  his  arm." 

THE  FAMILY  OPPOSED  TO  TAKING  NEWSPAPERS. — The  man 
that  don't  take  a  city  paper  was  in  town  yesterday.  He  brought 
his  whole  family  in  a  two  horse  wagon.  He  still  believed  that 
General  Taylor  was  President,  and  wanted  to  know  if  the  "  Kam- 
schatkians"  had  taken  Cuba,  and  if  so,  where  they  had  taken  it. 
He  had  sold  his  corn  for  twenty-five  cents — the  price  being  thirty- 
one — upon  going  to  deposite  the  money,  they  told  him  it  was  mostly 
counterfeit.  The  only  hard  money  he  had  was  some  three  cent 
pieces,  and  those  some  sharpers  had  "  run  on  him"  for  half  dimes  ! 
His  old  lady  smoked  a  "  cob  pipe,"  and  would  not  believe  that 
anything  else  could  be  used.  One  of  the  boys  went  to  a  black- 
smith's shop  to  be  measured  for  a  pair  of  shoes,  another  mistook 
the  market  house  for  a  church.  After  hanging  his  hat  on  a  meat 

J 

13 


290  MRS. 

hook,  he  piously  took  a  seat  on  a  butcher's  stall,  and  listened  to 
an  auctioneer,  whom  he  took  to  be  the  preacher.  He  left  before 
'•meetin'  was  out"  and  had  no  great  opinion  of  the  sarmint. 
One  of  the  girls  took  a  *  -t  of  "  seed  onions"  to  the  post  office  to 
trade  them  for  a  letter.  She  had  a  baby,  which  she  carried  in  a  j 
"  sugar  trough,"  stopping  at  times  to  rock  it  on  the  side  v  Jk —  j 
when  it  cried,  she  stuffed  its  mouth  with  an  old  stocking,  ai  d  sang  \ 
"  Barbara  Allen."  The  oldest  boy  had  sold  two  "  coon  skins,"  j 
and  was  on  a  "  bust."  When  last  seen,  he  had  called  for  a  glass  | 
of  "  sody  and  water,"  and  stood  soaking  gingerbread  and  making  ; 
wry  faces.  The  shop  keeper,  mistaking  his  meaning,  had  given  \ 
him  a  mixture  of  sal  soda  and  water,  and  it  tasted  strongly  of  soap,  j 
But  "  he'd  hearn  tell  of  sody  and  water,  and  was  bound  to  give  it  j 
a  fair  trial,  puke  or  no  puke."  Some  "city  feller"  came  in  and  j 
5  called  for  lemonade  with  a  "  fly  in  it,"  whereupon  our  "  soaped"  ( 
friend  turned  his  back  and  quietly  wiped  several  flies  into  his  drink. ' 
We  approached  the  old  gentleman  and  tried  to  get  him  to  "  sub- 1 
scribe,"  but  he  would  not  listen  to  it.  He  was  opposed  to  "  inter-  ( 
nal  improvements,"  and  he  thought  "  larnin'  was  a  wicked  mven-  < 
tion,  and  culterwaten'  nothin'  but  wanity  and  wexation."  None  \ 
of  his  family  ever  learned  to  read,  but  one  boy,  and  he  "  leached  j 
school  awhile  and  then  went  to  studying  diwinity." 


THE    WIND    BLOWS,   IT    SNOWS. 


«  CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  291 

A  SCHOOLMASTER  "  BOARDING  ROUND." — Extract  from  the  j 
Journal  of  a  Vermont  Schoolmaster. — Monday. — Went  to  board  at  > 
Mr.  Banks  j  had  a  baked  goose  for  dinner ;  supposed  from  its  size, 
the  thickness  of  its  skin,  and  other  venerable  appearances,  to  have 
been  one  of  the  first  settlers  of  Vermont — made  a  slight  impression 
on  the  patriarch's  breast.  Supper. — Cold  goose  and  potatoes  : 
family  consisting  of  the  man,  good  wife,  daughter  Peggy,  four 
boys,  Pompey  the  dog,  and  a  brace  of  cats — fire  built  in  the  square 
room  about  nine  o'clock,  and  a  pile  of  wood  lay  by  the  fire-place ; 
saw  Peggy  scratch  her  fingers,  and  couldn't  take  the  hint — felt 
I  squeamish  about  the  stomach,  and  talked  about  going  to  bed ;  Peggy 
j  looked  sullen;  and  put  out  the  fire  in  the  square  room ;  went  to 
bed,  and  dreamed  of  having  eaten  a  quantity  of  stone  wall. 

Tuesday. — Cold  gander  for  breakfast,  swamp  tea,  and  some  nut- 
cakes  :  the  latter  some  consolation.  Dinner. — The  legs,  &c.,  of 
\  the  gander  done  up  warm — one  neatly  despatched.  Supper. — The 
j  other  leg,  &c.,  cold  :  went  to  bed  as  Peggy  was  carying  the  fire  to 
|  the  square  room — dreamed  I  was  a  mud  turtle,  had  got  on  my 
;  back,  and  could  not  get  over  again. 

Wednesday. — Cold  gander  for  breakfast  ;  complained  of  sickness, 
\  and  could  eat  nothing.     Dinner. — Wings,  &c.,  of  the  gander  warmed 
\  up ;  did  my  best  to  destroy  them,  for  fear  they  should  be  left  for 
(  supper  ;  did  not  succeed  ;  dreaded  supper  all  the  afternoon.    Supper. 
|  — Hot  Indian  Johnny  cakes,  and  no  goose ;  felt  greatly  relieved.  ) 
thought  I  had  got  clear  of  the  gander,  and  went  to  bed  for  a  good  > 
night's  rest ;   disappointed ;  very   cold  night,  and  couldn't  keep  > 
warm  in  bed  :  got  up,  and  stopped  the  broken  window  with  my  j 
coat  and  vest ;  no  use ;  froze  the  tip  of  rny  nose  before  morning. 

Thursday. — Breakfast;  cold  gander  again;  felt  very  much  dis-  I 
couraged  to  see  the  cold  gander  but  half  gone  ;  went  a  visiting  for  \ 
dinner  and  supper ;  slept  abroad,  and  had  pleasant  dreams. 

Friday.— Breakfast  abroad.     Dinner  at  Mr.  Banks  ;  cold  gander 
and  hot  potatoes ;  last  very  good    ate  three,  iu;d  went  to  school 


292  MBS. 

quite  contented.  Supper. — Cold  gander,  no  potatoes ;  bread  heavy 
and  dry ;  had  the  headache,  and  couldn't  eat ;  Peggy  much  con- 
cerned •  had  a  fire  huilt  in  the  open  square  room,  and  thought  she 
and  I  had  better  sit  there  out  of  the  noise ;  went  to  bed  early  ] 
Peggy  thought  too  much  sleep  bad  for  the  headache. 

Saturday. — Breakfast  j  cold  gander  and  hot  Indian  Johnny  cake  ; 
did  very  well  ;  glad  to  come  off  so.  Dinner. — Cold  gander  again; 
didn't  keep  school  this  afternoon;  weighed,  and  found  I  had  lost 
six  pounds  the  past  week  ;  grew  alarmed ;  had  a  talk  with  Mr.  B., 
and  concluded  I  had  boarded  out  his  share. 

THE  HIT  PALPABLE. — Some  time  since,  a  traveller  stepped  into 

a  bank  located  in  a  village  in  the  neighborhood  of  this  city,  and, 

immediately  after  his  entrance,  pulled  off  his  hat,  coat,  and  cravat ; 

this  done,  he  east  a  look  at  the  cashier,  who  was  seated  in  a 

corner,  "  calm  as  a  summers  morning,"  and,  with  a  commanding 

shake  of  his  head,   said,  "  Sir,  hadn't  you  better  be  gettin'  that 

rere  water  heated  ?"     The  teller  informed  him  that  he  was  in  the 

\  wrong  u  shop."     "  You  are  in  a  bank,  sir,  not  in  a  barber's  shop." 

I  "  A  bank,  eh  !"  ejaculated  the  stranger,  "  dang  me,. they  told  me 

\  it  was  a  shaving  shop." 

MRS.  PARTINGTON  ON  VENTILATION. — "  We  have  got  a  new 
venerator  on  our  meeting-house,"  said  Mrs.  Partington,  "  but  how 
on  airth  they  can  contrive  to  climb  up  there  to  let  the  execrations  ) 
go  out  is  more  than  I  can  see  into.  But  it  is  sich  a  nice  interven- 
tion for  keeping  a  house  warm  !"  "  What  sort  of  a  ventilator  is 
it?"  asked  we,  anxious  to  get  an  inkling  of  the  old  lady's  philo- 
sophy. "  It  is  one  of  the  Emissary's,"  replied  she,  sagely,  "  and 
it  is  ever  so  much  better  than  Professor  Epsom's,  because  a  room 
is  kept  so  warm  and  comfortable  by  it — not  the  'east  danger  of 
taking  cold  from  draughts  of  too  fresh  ur.  It  wiJ  b?  '  r-«at  ac- 
cusation in  cold  weather." 


CARPET-BA6      OF      FUN. 


HEZEKIAH    SPEWKINS    AT    THE    OPERA. 

"  Well,  I'm  darned  if  you  ever  catch  me  at  another  Opperer,  or 
Uproar,  where  that  All-boncy,  (all  fat,  they  ought  to  call  her.) 
sings  to  fellers  in  bob-tailed  coats  and  their  younger  brothers7 
breeches. 

•'  Ye  see,  I  went  down  to  town  to  attend  some  chores,  when  I 
seen  a  whole  regiment  of  fellers,  with  big  paddles  on  their  shoul- 
ders, with  '  Opperer  and  All-boney  to-night.'  Now,  I'd  heard  a 
great  deal  about  the  singin  and  fiddlin,  so  I  thought  I'd  go.  Well, 
I  was  a  walkin  along  into  the  Opperer,  when  a  feller  sung  out, 
'  This  way,  sir — your  ticket,  sir.' 

"  Well,  I  give  him  a  little  bit  of  paper  the  chap  at  the  front  doo. 


294  MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


Bald  to  keep  till  called  for,  when  he  hussled  me  along  through  a 
crowd  of  the  all-firedest  putty  gals  I  ever  see,  all  covered  with 
nosegays  and  ribbins,  and  says  he — '  Make  way  there  fur  560.' 

"  Says  I,  { Hello,  waiter,  that  an't  my  name,  its  Hezekiah 
Spewkins.' 

Well,  the  people  snickered,  and  the  feller  never  said  a  word,  but 
got  hold  of  another  chap  and  stuck  him  into  700.  Byme-by  the 
big  fiddle  went  ahead  like  sawin  boards,  and  a  feller  got  hold  of 
.something  like  the  old  dinner-horn  at  home  and  then  another  little 
teller  with  a  stick,  commenced  to  cut  flab-dabs  in  the  air,  jest  as 
if  he  was  keepin  a  swarm  of  bees  off  him — then  I  heard  a  bell 
ring,  and  all  at  once  the  big  painting  commenced  to  go  up.  Well, 
I  seen  that  much,  when  I'm  darned  if  I  didn't  think  I  was  a  goner, 
for  there  sot  one  of  the  puttiest  gals  I  ever  did  see,  right  back  of 
me  lookin  through  one  of  them  young  double  barreled  spy-glasses 
right  into  my  face.  I'm  conflusticated  if  I  wasn't  skeered,  for  every- 
body was  takin  aim  at  each  other,  and  [  was  in  range  of  every  one 
— the  darned  pokerish  lookin  things,  I  didn't  know  anythin  about 
em — they  might  have  gone  off!  Well,  the  consequence  was,  I 
didn't  see  anythin  of  All-boney,  but  heard  a  devil  of  a  rumpus  in 
the  back  room  of  the  theatre,  and  then  the  people  cheered  and  I 
sloped." 

MRS.  PARTINGTON'S  CONCLUSION. — We  were  once  asked,  "  What 
|  would  be  the  consequence  if  an  irresistible  force  should  come  in 
contact  with  an  immovable  body  ?"  We  handed  the  problem  to 
Mrs.  Partington,  who  took  several  pinches  of  snuff  before  she  gave 
lier  opinion.  "  My  idee  about  it  is,"  said  the  old  lady,  and  there 
was  an  expression  as  profound  as  could  be  worn  by  the  whole 
faculty  of  Harvard  College,  li  my  idee  about  it  is,  that  one  or  t'other 
of  'em  must  get  hurt !" 

Dreams  are  the  novels  we  read  when  -we  are  fast  asloep. 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  295 


MRS.    PARTINGTON    GETTING    LUMINOUS. 

"  What  kind  is  these  new  patterned  lamps  ;"  asked  Mrs.  Part- 
mgton  of  a  Washington-street  dealer.  i:  They  are  for  burning 
spirit  gas,  marra."  "  Well/'  said  the  old  lady,  "  if  they  aint  reli- 
able to  bust.  I'll  take  a  pair.  Oh,  I  never  got  over  the  fright  I 
had  when  Isaac  sot  the  spirit  of  turpitude  afire.  We  came  very 
near  having  a  serious  congregation,  and  I  have  never  dared  to  let 
him  go  by  the  oil-feeder  after  lamplight  sence,  for  fear  he'd  get 
burnt.  Now  this  is  a  great  blessedness — this  what's-its-name 
patterned  to  prevent  bustin — and  everybody  that  is  in  danger  of 
bustin  should  buy  one."  She  here  went  out,  like  an  exhausted 
lamp,  and  the  dealer  sent  her  home  a  pair  of  'em,  and  visitors 
were  long  pleased  to  hear  the  expositions  of  Mrs.  P.  of  the  merit* 


of  the  new  invention. 

ISAAC  "  KETCHED." — "  Your  plants  are  most  flagrantly  odious," 
gaid  Mrs.  Partington,  as  she  stooped  over  a  small  oval  red  table 
in  a  neighbor's  house,  which  table  w^s  covered  with  cracked  pot* 
filled  with  luxuriant  geraniums,  and  a  monthly  rose,  and  a  cactus, 
and  other  bright  creations  that  shed  their  sweetness  upon  the  al- 
'  naoet  tropical  atmosphere  of  a  southerly  room  in  April,  while  a 


296 


MRS.    PARTINGTON'S 


fragrant  vine  hung  in  chains  graced  the  window  with  a  curtain 
more  gorgeous  than  any  other  not  exactly  like  it.     Mrs.  Parti ngton 
stood  gazing  upon  them  in  admiration.     "  How  beautiful  they  are," 
she  continued  ;  u  do  you  profligate  your  plants  by  slips,  mem  ?:J  \ 
She  was  told  that  such  was  the  case ;  they  were  propagated  by  J 
slips.     "  So  was  mine,"  said  Mrs.  P.,  '-  I  was  always  more  lucky  { 
with  my  slips  than  with  anything  else."     At  that  moment  a  loud 
scream  was  heard  in  the  adjoining  Piazza — it  comes  from  the  inno- 
cent boy  Isaac  :  he  had  been  playing  with  the  Parrot  with  a  bunch  j 
of  cherries,  the  game  of  "don't  you  wish  you  might  get  them." 
Poll  missed  the  cherries  but  caught  Ike's  knuckles — "that  boy  al- 
ways was  in  diffenculties." 


L 


r 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN 


297 


ISSING  PHILOSOPHY. — The  Naturalist — 
A  kiss  is  the  bringing  into  juxtaposition 
two  contrarily  charged  poles  by  which 
it,  like  an  electric  spark,  is  elicited. 

The  Moralist — A  kiss  is  a  token  of 
most  intimate  communion  of  love,  and 
is  therefore  only  to  be  permitted  in  the 
married. 

The  Physician — A  kiss  is  the  art  of 
moving   the   labial  muscles   when  the 
lips  are  first  brought  suddenly  together, 
and  then  explosively  separated  :  so  that 
after  all  a  kiss  is  only  an  artificial  spaam. 

The  Philologist. — Kiss  is  an  anatomo-poetic  word  in  which  the 
curtness  of  the  thing  is  represented  by  the  brief  sound  of  the  word. 
The  Antiquarian. — Kissing  is  a  custom  handed  down  to  us  from 
the  Greeks  and  Romans,  as  to  the  true  signification  of  .which  we 
are  not  perfectly  clear.  Probably  it  is  a  symbol  of  the  sun's  rays 
greeting  the  earth  ;  and  if  so,  doubtless  was  received  with  all  the 
other  lore  of  sun  worship  from  the  orientals. 

The  Philosopher. — A  kiss  is  that  protruding  the  circle  of  the  lips, 
whereby  the  quantitive  difference  of  the  sine  of  another,  and  thereby 
the  identity  of  the  subject  abject  with  the  ideal  real,  is  proved. 

The  Punster- — A  kiss  [kuss]  is  the  gush  [guss]  of  one  soul  to 
another.  The  pressure  of  the  lamon  into  the  insipid  beverage  of 
life.  This  pressure  is  the  expression  of  the  impression  with  which 
no  censorship  can  interfere.  We  will  still  have  "  freedom  of  the 
press." 

The  Lawyer — The  kiss  is  a  nullity  in  law,  being  neither  a  right 
»;j  posse  nor  a  right  in  essse.  Some,  however,  have  considered  it 
as  a  family  right,  and  would  treat  it  after  the  analogy  of  the  dcs. 


2D8  MRS.    PARTING-TON'S 

But,  "  L.  74  D.    de  dot  constit."  does  not  treat  of  the  kiss  a*  a.rj  ' 

length.     Still,  in  the  married  state,  we  may  venture  to  consider  9  « 

kiss  in  the  lights  of  a  donatio  inter  vivos. 

The  Lovers — A  kiss  is — heaven. 


FASTIDIOUS  TASTE. — An  amusing  little  incident  occurred  at  a 
city  hotel  a  few  days  ago.  A  verdant  looking  chap  sat  down  to 
take  "  some  fillin,"  as  the  immortal  Joe  Lawson  would  say,  and  in 
due  time  a  waiter  presented  himself  at  the  back  of  our  hero's  chair 
and  inquired  : 

"  Tea  or  coffee,  sir  ?" 

"  Tea,"  he  answered. 

"  What  kind  of  tea.  sir  ?" 

Greeny  looked  up  in  the  waiter's  face,  and,  with  considerable 
emphasis,  said : 

"  Why,  store  tea,  of  course  j  I  don't  want  none*  of  your  blamed 
sassafrac  stuff." 


YOUNG  LOVE. — A  young  woman  on  alighting  from  a  stage 
dropped  a  ribbon  from  her  bonnet  in  the  bottom  of  the  coach. — 
"  You  have  left  your  bow  behind,"  said  a  lady  passenger.  "  No  I 
havn't — he's  gone  a  fishing,"  innocently  replied  th<^  damsel. 

MRS.  PARTINGTON  IN  A  NEW-YORK  THEATRE. — "  How  d'ye  do, 
I'm  so  glad  to  see  you."  said  Mrs.  Partington  as  she  stopped  at 
Mrs.  Peabodie's  on  her  way  from  the  depot.  "  I've  just  come  from 
New-York,  and  I've  seen  twice  as  much  as  ever  I  saw  in  Bosting. 
I  saw  the  Rochester  rappins  at  a  hotel  there.  The  man  was 
a  rappin  away  at  the  bar  and  there  was  all  sorts  of  spirits  behind 
the  counter.  But  Mn  Jones  and  I  went  to  the  Theatre,  and  that 
beat  all.  We  saw  them  performerate  a  moral  brama ;  Mr.  Jones, 
said  ii  was  called  "Just  as  you  like  it." — One  part  of  it  they 
called  "  Spoke-shave  seven  edges,"  and  it  was  the  best  part  of  the 


CARPET-BAG     OF     FUN.  299 

; — 

A  hole  brama,  I  think.  A  man  they  called  Jake  spoke  it,  and  I'll 
tell  you  all  about  it,  for  it  made  such  an  expression  upon  rne  that 
I  learned  it  all  by  heart. 

"All  the  -world's  a  stage, 

And  all  the  men  and  women  merely  passengers ; 
They  have  their  axes  and  their  entry  ways, 
And  one  man  keeps  time  and  plays  his  part, 
And  all  the  axes  have  seven  edges.     First  the  baby, 
Meweing,  &c,  in  its  nurse's  arms  : 
And  then  the  winning  school-boy  with  his  scratchawl, 
And  shiny  mourning  face,  running  like  a  snail 
Unwittingly  to  school ;  then  the  lover, 
Sighing  like  a  foundery  with  an  awful  bandage 
Made  for  his  mistress's  eyebrows  ;  then  the  soldier, 
Full  of  strangle  oaths,  and  bearded  like  a  pardner, 
Zealous  in  horror,  scrubbing  a  stick  in  quarrel, 
Seeking  the  blubber  refutation 
Into  the  cannon  mouth ;  then  a  justice  of  the  peace 
In  fair  round  belly,  with  good  apron  lined  ; 
His  eyes  so  sore  and  beard  of  normal  cut, 
Full  of  old  handsaws  and  modern  mischances ; 
And  so  he  brays  his  part  j  the  sixth  edge  shimmies 
Into  the  lean  and  slippery  pair  of  pantaloons 
With  youthful  hoes,  well  shaved,  a  world  too  wida 
For  his  crook  shank  ;  and  his  big  homely  voice, 
Turnins  a  grain  toward  nardish  pebble,  pipes 
And  mizzles  in  his  sound  ;  and  last  of  all 
That  ends  this  straired  repentful  history, 
Is  second  childishness  and  mere  pavilion — 
Sands'   teeth,    Sands'    eyes,    Sands'    tasting,    Sands'   Sarsa- 
parilla  ! 

Never  open  your  mind  till  you  know  what  there's  in  it. 


300 


MRS.   PARTINGTONS  CARPET-BAG. 


A  GOOD  HINT. — A  "  notion  seller"  was  offering  Yankee  cLo«!lr*, 
finely  varnished  and  colored,  and  with  a  looking-glass  in  front,  to 
Mrs.  Partington's  friend  the  <k  widow  Bedott."  "  Why,  it's  beauti- 
ful." said  the  vender.  "  Beautiful,  indeed  !  a  look  at  it  almost 
frightens  me  !"  said  the  widow.  "  Then,  marm."  replied  Jonathan, 
[  "  I  guess  you'd  better  buy  one  that  han't  got  no  lookin-glass." 


MRS.  PARTINGTON  IN  THE  ::  BIGAMIES"  OF  DEATH. — "  La  me  !" 
sighed  Mrs.  Partington,  "  here  I  have  been  suffering  the  bigamies 
of  death  for  three  mortal  weeks.     First  I  was  seized  with  a  bleed- 
ing phrenology  in  the  left  hamshire  of  the  brain,  which  was  ex- 
ceeded by  a  stoppage  of  the  left  ventilator  of  the  heaA\..     This 
1  gave  me  an  inflammation  in  the  borax,  and  now  I'm  sick  with  the 
f  chloroform  morbus.     There  is  no  blessin's  like  that  of  health,  par-  1 
ticularly  when  you're  sick.     My  wind's  gin  out  and  I  ain't  got  no 
'  more  to  say." 


MRS.    PARTINGTOX'S    CARPET-BAG   IS    EMPTY. 


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series  of  Dr.  Valentine's  Lectures,  with  characters  as  given  by  the  late  Yankee 

Hill.    Embellished  with  numerous  portraits.    Cloth,  gilt.    Price $1   OO 

Ornamental  paper  cover.    Price 5O  c$s. 

Mrs.  Partington's  Carpet  Bag  of  Fun.    illustrated  \\\\\\ 

over  IcO  of  tlie  most  laughable  Engravings  ever  designed,  from  Drawings  1  y 
Dawlcy,  McLennan,  Leach,  Phiz,  llcnning,  Hine,  Tenniel,  Crowquill,  Cruik- 
shank,  Meadows,  Doyle,  Grpdcr,  and  others,  and  a  collection  of  over  1000  of  tho 
most  Comical  Stories,  Amusing  Adventures,  Side-Splitting  Jokes,  Check-Extend- 
ing Poetry,  Funny  Conundrums,  QTJEER  SAYINGS  or  MRS.  PARTIXGTON,  Heart- 
rending Puns,  "Witty  Repartees,  etc.,  etc.  The  -whole  Illustrated  by  about  150 
Comic  Wood  Outs.  12mo.  This  entertaining  book  is  well  printed  on  fiiio 
•white  paper,  and  contains  300  pages,  with  tinted  frontispiece  by  Darley.  Over 
20,000  copies  of  this  work  have  already  been  sold.  Cloth,  gilt,  with  tinted 

frontispiece  by  Darley.     Price $1    OO 

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The  Book  of  1,000  Comical  Stories;  or,  Endless  Repast  of 

Fun.  A  rich  lanquct  for  every  day  in  the  year,  with  several  courses  and  a 
dessert  BILL  OF  FART:  :  Comprising  Tales  of  Humor,  Laughable  Anecdotes, 
Irresistible  Drolleries,  Jovial  Jokes,  Comical  Conceits,  Puns  and  Pickings,  Quib- 
bles and  Queries,  Bon  Mots  and  Broad-grins,  Oddities.  Epigrams,  &c.,  &c.;  Merry 
Songs  for  Merry  Moments  ;  Conundrums  for  the  Million. ;  an  Inexhaustible  Store 
of  Nut* to  Crack,  and  Sports  and  Pastimes  for  all  Seasons  ;  forming  a  Welcome 
Guest  for  Spring,  a  Cheerful  Friend  for  Summer,  a  Jovial  Host  for  Autumn,  a 
Pleasant  Companion  for  Winter,  and  a  Varied  Feast  of  Mirth  for  Everybody's 
Enjoyment.  Appropriately  Illustrated  with  300  Comic  Engravings.  By  the 
author  of  "Mrs.  Partington's  Carpet  Bag  of  Fun.  Large  12mo,  cloth. 
Price. ,...„ $1  25 

The  Comical  Adventures  of  David  Dufficks.    illustrated 

with  over  100  Fu  any  Engravings.    Large  octavo.    Price -...35  cts. 


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HOW  to  Dress  With  Taste.      Containing   hints  on  the   Har- 
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Mind  Y"OU1"  Stops.  Punctuation  'made  plain,  and  Composition 
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Hard  Words  Made  Easy.     Rules  for  Pronunciation  and  Accent, 
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Blunders  in  Behavior  Corrected.  A  concise  code  of  deport- 
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"  It  will  polish  and  refine  either  sex,  and  is  Chesterfield  superseded."— Home 
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Five  Hundred  French  Phrases.    Adapted  for  those  v.-ho 

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How  to  Detect  Adulteration  in  our  Daily  Food  and 

Drink.  A  complete  analysis  of  the  frauds  and  deceptions  practised  upon  articles 
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The  Young  Housekeeper's  Book ;  or,  How  to  have  a  Good 

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How  to  Cut  and  Contrive  Children's  Clothes  at  a 

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HOW  to  Talk  and  Debate  ;  or,  fluency  of  Speech  Attained  without 
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How  to  Manage  Children. 

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The   Great  Wizard  of   the  North's  Hand-Bock  of 

Natural  Magic.  Being  a  series  of  the  newest  Tricks  of  Deception,  arranged 
for  Amateurs  and  Lovers  of  the  Art.  By  Professor  J.  II.  ANDEHSON,  the  Great 
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Broad  Grins  of  the  Laughing  Philosopher.    Being  a 

Collection  of  Funny  Jokes,  Droll  Incidents,  and  Ludicrous  Pictures,  that  will 
make"  you  laugh  out  loud  1  By  PICKLE  THE  YOUNGER,  otherwise  called  "Little 
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The  Plate  Of  ChOWder  ;  A  Dish  for  Funny  Fellows.  Appro- 
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tington's  Carpet-Bag  of  Fun."  12  mo.  Paper  cover.  Price 35  cts. 

The  Laughable  Adventures  of  Messrs.  Brown,  Jones, 

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Chesterfield's   Letter-Writer  and  Complete  Book  of 

Etiquette ;  or,  Concise,  Systematic  Directions  for  Arranging  and  "Writing  Let- 
ters. Also,  Model  Correspondence  in  Friendship  and  Business,  and  a  great 
variety  of  Model  Love  Letters.  If  any  lady  or  gentleman  desires  to  know  how  to 
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speak  their  minds  to  a  tardy,  a  bashful,  or  a  careless  or  incliffjrent  lover,  or 
sweetheart,  this  book  tells  exactly  how  it  should  ba  done.  This  work  is  also  a 
Complete  Book  of  Etiquette.  You  will  find  more  real  information  in  this  bock 
than  in  half-a-dozen  volumes  of  the  more  expensive  ones.  It  is  emphatically  a 
book  fur  tho  million,  and  one  which  every  young  person  should  have,  as  it  con- 
tains the  Etiquette  for  Ladies,  as  well  as  for 'Gentlemen— Etiquette  of  Courtship 
and  Marriage— Etiquette  for  writing  Love  Letters,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing.  It 
is  an  appropriate  book  to  present  to  a  lady.  This  book  contains  13G  pages,  and 
is  bo  und  iu  pasteboard  sides,  with  cloth  back.  Price 30  c ;  s . 

The  Perfect  Gentleman.  A  Book  of  Etiquette  and  Eloquence 
Containing  Information  and  Instruction  for  those  who  desire  1o  become  Bril- 
liant or  conspicuous  in  General  Society,  or  at  Parties,  Dinners,  or  Popular 
Gatherings,  &e.  It  is  not  only  a  valuable  book  of  reference,  but  it  contains  min- 
ute Instructions  for  Gentlemen  in  all  those  modern  accomplishments  which  have 
become  almost  a  necessity  in  this  age  of  refinement.  It  gi.ves  directions  how  to 
use  wine  at  table,  with  Rules  for  judging  the  quality  thereof— Rules  for  Carving 
and  a  complete  Etiquette  of  the  Dinner  Table,  including  Dinner  Speeches, 
Toasts  and  Sentiments,  Wit  and  Conversation  at  Table,  &c.  It  lias  also  an 
American  Code  of  Etiquette  and  Politeness  for  all  oaeasions — Model  Speeches, 
with  Directions  how  to  deliver  them — Duties  of  the  Chairman  at  Public  Meet- 
ings, Forms  of  Preambles  and  Resolutions,  &c.  In  short,  this  book  will  give  a 
man  every  possible  information  he  may  desire  to  enable  him  to  appear  to  good 
advantage,  either  in  public  or  private  life.  It  is  a  handsome  bound  and  gilt  vol- 
ume of  3.5  pages.  Price $1  25 

Richardson's  Monitor    of   Free-Masonry.    A  complete 

Guide  to  the  various  Ceremonies,  and  Routine  in  Free-Masons'  Lodges,  Chapters, 
Encampments,  Hierarchies,  &c.,  Arc.,  in  all  the  Degrees,  whether  Modern,  An- 
cient, Ini'ifable,  or  Historical ;  containing  engravings  of  the  Signs,  Tokens  and 
Grips,  and  descriptions  of  the  Regalia  and  Jewels,  and  likewise  the  Passwords 
and  other  Secrot  Words  in  each  Degree.  Profusely  illustrated  with  Explanatory 
Engravings  and  IMates  of  the  Interior  of  Lodges,  Symbols,  &c.  By  JABEZ  Itien- 
AUDSOX,  A.  M.  Any  Society  of  Masons  who  wish  to  work  in  the  higher  Degrees, 
or  in  any  Degree  whatever,  will  find  this  book  an  invaluable  aid  to  thorn. 

A  book  of  1(JJ  pages,  bound  in  gilt  cloth.    Price. 75  cts. 

If  sealed  up  with  sealing- wax,  and  letter  postage  paid $1.00 

The  Book  Of  500  CurioilS  Puzzles.  Containing  a  large  coi 
lection  of  Entertaining  Paradoxes,  Perplexing  Deception  in  numbers,  and 
Amusing  Tricks  in  Geometry.  By  the  Author  of  "The  Sociable,"  "The  Se- 
cret Out,"  "The  Masican's  Own  Book."  Illustrated  with  a  Great  Variety  of  En- 
gravings. This  Book  will  have  a  largo  sale.  It  will  furnish  Fun  and  Amusement 
fora  whole  winter;  it  is  a  very  cheap  book.  Price 25  cts. 

The  Book  of  Fireside  Games.  Containing  an  Explanation  of 
the  most  Entertaining  Games  suited  to  the  Family  Circle  as  a  Recreation,  such 
as— Games  of  Action,  Games  which  merely  require  Attention,  Games  which  re- 
quire Memory,  Catch  Games,  which  have  for  their  objects  Tricks  or  Mystification, 
Games  in  which  an  opportunity  is  afforded  to  display  Gallantry,  Wit,  or  s :..ino 
slight  knowledge  of  certain  Sciences,  Amusing  Forfeits,  Fireside  Games  for  Win- 
ter Evening  Amusement,  etc.  B}r  the  Author  of  "  The  Sociable,"  "The  Secret 
Out."  etc.  Beautifully  Illustrated.  Price 25  cts. 

Morgan's  Free-Masonry  Exposed    and    Explained. 

Showing  the  Origin,  History,  and  Nature  of  Masonry  ;  it?  eifects  on  the  Govern- 
ment and  tho  Christian  Religion  ;  and  containing  :i  Key  to  all  the    Degrees  of 
Free-Masonry,  giving  a  clear  and  correct  view  of  the  matter  of  Conferring  the 
Different  Degrees,  as  practised  in  all  Lodges  throughout  the  globe. 
Price '25  cis. 


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Thf?  Art  Of  Conversation.  With  remarks  on  Fashion  and 
Address.  By  MRS.  MABERLY.  This  is  the  best  book  on  the  subject  ever  pub- 
lished. It  contains  nothing  that  is  verbose  or  difficult  to  understand,  but  all  the 
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manner,  so  that  any  one,  however  dull,  can  easily  comprehend  them.  Gi  pages 
ootavo,  large.  Price -.25  cts, 

Horr-e-Taming  by  a  New  Method.    As  practiced  by  J.  s. 

HA  KEY.  A  new  and  improved  edition,  containing  Mr.  Rarey's  whole  Secret  of 
Subduing  and  Breaking  Vicious  Horses,  together  with  his  Improved  Plan  of 
Managing  Young  Colts,  and  Breaking  them  to  the  Saddle,  the  Harness,  and  the 
Sulkey  ;  with  ten  engravings  illustrating  the  process.  Every  person  who  keeps  a 
hoi-.se  should  buy  this  book.  It  costs  but  a  trine  and  you  will  positively  find  it  an 
excellent  guide  in  the  management  of  that  noble  animal.  This  is  a  very  hand- 
some book  of  G4  pages.  Price 12  cts. 

Etiquette  and  the  Usages  of  Society.     Containing  the 

most  Approved  Rules  for  Correct  Conduct  in  Social  and  Fashionable  Life  ;  with 
Hints  to  both  Gentlemen  and  Ladies  on  Awkward  and  Vulgar  Habits.  Also, 
the  Etiquette  of  Love  and  Courtship,  Marriage  Etiquette,  &c~,  &c.  By  II.  P. 

Wii/us.    A  book  of  64  pages.    Price 1O  cts. 

Bound  in  cloth  with  gilt  side,  and  printed  on  fine  paper,  suitable  for 

a  present  to  a  lady 25  cts. 

The  Games  of  Euchre,  Whist,  Loo,  and  Poker.    With 

Rules,  Directions  and  Maxims  to  be  observed,  in  playing.  Containing  also  Pri- 
mary Rules  for  Beginners,  Explanations  and  Directions  for  Old  Players,  and  the 
Laws  of  the  Games.  Compiled  from  Hoyle  and  Matthews,  with  an  explanation 
of  Marked  Cards,  &c.,  &c.  Price 12  cts. 

The  Young  Bride's  Book.  An  Epitome  of  the  Social  and 
Domstic  Duties  of  WoT-an,  as  the  Wife  and  the  Mother.  By  ARTHUR  FREEING. 
This  is  one  of  the  best  and  most  useful  books  ever  issued  in  the  cheap  form.  It 
is  printed  in  clear  aud  beautiful  type,  and  on  fine  paper.  Price 1 3  c  t  s . 

100  Tricks  with  Cards.  J-  H.  Green,  the  Reformed  Gambler, 
has  just  authorized  the  publication  of  a  new  edition  of  his  book  entitled  '«  Gam- 
blers' Tricks  with  Cards  Exposed  and  Explained."  This  is  a  bo.  Jt  of  96  pages, 
and  it  exposes  and  explains  all  the  mysteries  of  the  Gambling  Tables.  It  is  inter- 
esting not  only  to  those  who  play,  but  to  those  who  do  not.  Ol  ~  Players  will  get 
some  new  ideas  from  this  curious  book.  Price 25  cts. 

The  Game  of  Draughts  or  Checkers  Simplified  and 

Explained.  "With  Practical  Diagrams  and  Illustrations,  together  with  a 
Checker- board,  numbered  and  printed  in  red.  Containing  the  Eighteen  Standard 
Games,  with  over  200  of  the  best  variations  selected  from  the  various  authors, 
together  with  many  original  ones  never  before  published. .  By  D.  SCAITERGOOD. 
Bound  in  cloth,  with  flexible  cover.  Price 38  cts. 

The  American  Home  Cook  Book.  Containing  several  hun- 
dred excellent  Recipes.  The  whole  based  on  many  years'  experience  of  an 
American  Housewife.  Illustrated  with  Engravings.  All  the  Recipes  in  this 
book  are  written  from  actual  experiments  in  cooking.  There  are  no  copyings 
from  theoretical  cooking  recipes.  It  is  a  book  of  128  pages,  and  is  very  cheap. 
Price 25  cts. 

The  Laws  Of  Love.  A  Complete  Code  of  Gallantry.  Contain- 
ing concise  rules  for  the  conduct  of  Courtship  through  its  entire  progress,  aphor- 
isms of  love,  rules  tor  telling  the  characters  and  dispositions  of  women,  remedies 
for  love,  and  on  Epistolary  Code.  12  mo.  Paper.  Price &5  cts. 

HOW  tO  Win  and  HOW  to  "Wop.     Containing  Rules  for  the 
Etiquette  of  Courtship,  with  directions  showing  how  to  win  the  favor  of  Ladies, 
how  to  begin  and  end  a  courtship,  and  how  Love  Letters  should  be  written. 
Price lJ8el«. 


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The  Finger-Post  tO  Public  Business.  Containing  the  mode 
of  forming  and  conducting  Societies,  Clubs,  and  other  Organized  Associations  ;  full 
Rules  of  Order  for  the  Government  of  their  Debates  and  Business ;  complete  direc- 
tion* how  to  Compose  resolutions,  R-eports  and  Petitions  ;  and  the  manner  of  mnn- 
aging  Conventions.  Public  Meetings,  Celebrations,  Dinner.?,  Barbecues,  and  Pic- 
nics; Models  of  Constitutions  for  Lyceums,  Institutes,  Military,  E.rc  Compa- 
nies* etc. ;  With  Huk  s  of  Cricket,  Base  Ball,  Shinny,  Quoits,  Yachting,  and  Rowing, 
and  instructions  concerning  Incorporations ;  Hints  about  Libraries&n  1  Museum^  ; 
with  a  Catalogue  of  Desirable  Books,  and  a  List  of  American  Coins ;  and  Rules  lor 
the  Collection  and  Preservation  of  Books,  MSS.,  and  objects  of  Cur;osiiy;  Rules 
for  Debating,  nnd  the  Composition  and  Delivery  of  Public  Addresses,  with  Exam- 
ples of  Figures  of  Speech,  and  a  Selection  of  Specimens  of  Style  from  various 
Americnn  Orators;  together  with  an  appendix,  containing  original  Articles  of 
Confederation  of  the  United  States,  the  Constitution,  the  Celebrated  Virginia  and 
Kentucky  Resolutions,  and  other  Documents  of  reference.  To  which,  is  prefixed  a 
copious  Index.  By  an  Ex-Member  of  the  Philadelphia  Bar. 
12  mo.,  cloth - $1,35. 

The  Ladies'  Own  Pattern  Book  ;  or  Treasures  in  Needlework. 
Comprising  Instructions  in  Knitting,  Netting,  Crochet.  Point  Lace,  Tutting,  Braid- 
ing, Embroidery,  A:c.  Illustrated  with  over  500  useful  and  ornamental  Designs, 
Patterns,  &c.  By  MRS.  PULI.EN  and  MRS.  WARREN.  Large  12mo.,  Gilt  side  and 
back.  This  work,  which  is  superbly  gotten  up,  so  as  to  fit  it  lor  Holiday  Souvenirs, 
contains  over  Five  Hundred  Engravings,  Pattern  Plates,  &c.,  and,  besides,  embra- 
ces minute  instructions  for  the  execution  of  every  known  species  of  Needlework, 
Lace-work,  Embroidery,  Wire-work,  Crochet,  Knitting,  Knotting,  letting.  Tape- 
work,  Transferring,  Bead-work,  Berlin-work,  Braiding,  Applique,  and  we  know 
not  how  many  more  wonderful,  pretty,  useful,  profitable,  and  entertaining  kinds  of 
light  industry,  adapted  to  the  feminme  taste  and  feminine  fingers.  It  is  precisely 
the  sort  of  a  volume  that  every  lady,  rich  or  poor,  would  accept  with  delight  and 
esteem  beyond  conception.  No  family  should  be  without  it.  Price $1,35. 

Hillgrove's  Ball  Room  Guide,  and  Complete  Practical 

Dancing1  Master.  Containing  a  Plain  Treatise  on  Etiquette  and  Deportment 
at  Balls  and  Parties,  with  Valuable  Hints  in  Dress  and  the  Toilet,  together 
with  full  explanations  and  descriptions  of  the  Rudiments,  Terms,  Figures,  and 
Stops  used  in  Dancing,  including  Clear  nnd  Precise  Instructions  how  to  Dnnee 
all  kinds  of  Quadr.lles,  Waltzes,  Polkas,  Redowas,  Reels,  Round,  Plain  and  l-'un- 
cy  Dances,  so  that  any  person  may  learn  them  without  the  aid  of  a  Teacher  ;  to 
M'hich  is  added  Easy  Directions  for  Calling  out  the  Figures  of  every  Dance,  and 
the  amount  of  Music  required  for  each.  The  whole  illustrated  with  one  hundred 
and  sevc.nty-.six  descriptive  engravings  and  diagrams,  by  THOMAS  HILLGEOVE,  Iro- 

fessor  of  Dancing.    Bound  in  cloth,  with  gilt  side  and  back 75  cts. 

Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back 50  cts. 

The  Youilg  Reporter  ;  or,  How  to  Write  Short  Hand.  A  complete 
Phonographic  TTeacher,  intended  as  a  School  Book,  to  afford  thorough  instruction 
to  those  who  have  not  the  assistance  of  an  Oral  Teacher.  By  the  aid  of  this  work, 
nny  person  of  the  most  ordinary  intelligence  may  learn  to  Write  Short  Hand,  and 
Report  Speeches  and  Sermons  in  a  short  time.  Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back, 
price. 30  cts. 

The  French  Wine  and  Liquor  Manufacturer,  a  Practical 

Guide  and  Private  Receipt  Book  for  the  American  Liquor  Merchant.  By  JOHN 
RACK.  Practical  Wine  and  Liquor  Manufacturer.  Illustrated  with  descriptive  Dia- 
grams, Tables,  and  Engravings.  This  is  by  far  the  most  complete  and  reliable  Book 
on  the  Manufacture  of  Liquor,  ever  published.  Cloth,  price $3,OO. 

The  Fortunes  of  Hector  O'Halloran ;   and,  His  Man  Mark 

Anthony  G'Toole.  By  W.  H.  MAXWELL,  author  of  "Stories  of  Waterloo,"  etc. 
2  vols.  octavo.  This  is  a  Book  to  make  you  Laugh.  The  Blunders  of  Mark  Antho- 
ny O'Toole  are  even  moro  funny  than  those  of  "Handy  Andy."  Price.. .$  l,OO. 

The  Nightingale  Songster  ;  or,  Lyrics  of  Lore.  Containing  164 
Choice  Sentimental  Songs.  Bound  in  boards,  with  cloth  back,  and  illustrated 
cover,  price . 30  cts. 

The  Emerald  ;  or,  Book  of  Irish  Melodies.  Containing  a  Choice  Col- 
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The  Poet's  Companion ;  A.  Dictionary  of  all  Allowable  Rhymes  in 
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'"  1 


Live  and  L,eam  ;  A  Guide  for  all  who  wish  to  Speak  and  Write  Cor- 
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The  Biblical  Reason  Why:    A  HAND-BOOIC  FOR  BIBLICAL 

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The   Reasc 

A  carui'ul  i 
reasons,  for 
known,  are 

of  COIlde-nso 

lion.  By  t 
It  is  a  han< 
printed  on 
an. I  oinbcll. 
cuts,  illust 
of.  This  v 
sands  of  t) 
of  the  int 
.seeks  a  sir 
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The  Bibl:' 

BOOK  rot 
to  Famil; 
thor  of  '•' 
illustrate, 
back.    Ti 
upon  tli 
cfnluciit 
for  the  gi 
ed  in  the 
Saviour, 
volume  ; 
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• — — _  ^^     ~'t*  -*4>  I  ,_  _ 


;rospect 
urgery, 

t'  the  most 
t  and  all 
itters  em- 
:he  whole 
f  "WALTKK 
jxrge  8vo., 
)  pages  ot' 
illy  bound 
*«  00 


Amus- 
ing   over    300 
his  is  a  mag- 
full  of  the 
travelers,  the 
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s    and    games, 
e  price  we  ask 
$1   35 

By  Mrs.  ANN 
lustrated    with 
?ns  in  Crochet, 
to  from  the  let- 
Also  with  mini- 
thc  letter  press, 
Oblong,  pp.  117, 
:loth,  gilt.    This 
et  so  clearly  cx- 
:>attern,  however 
li  case. 
SI   00 


ures  of  Trav- 
ated   with  num- 
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T  T)  9i    inn                   tes  of  Dr.  Living- 
LD  2l-100m-8,'34     iccurately  traced, 
ice fil  85 


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